Epilogue
There's more to say, there always is. Remarking on my own occupying forces and the direction my life is heading, I think this is the place to stop. My impulses in writing have either been met or fallen into the ashen past without much outcry. It's time to put down the pen and pick up the sword, charge into the fray which is my sorry life, and champion myself or slay the dragon, or else cut myself to the quick.
A few parting words in these last paragraphs of the last pages. Over the course of my journal, the aspect of myself I've been wrestling with and trying to understand ultimately boils down to the fact that I'm alone, don't particularly like it, but cannot order my life any other way. In the tradition of the trickster, my life and circumstances seem to be focused on stirring up people and events like silt on a riverbed - mostly for my own amusement, to see what'll happen, how people will react, or for some latent goodness. From Wicked, we learn that it is the nature of evil to be secret. But there is something redeeming in the subtlties of good. And even though I hate to ally myself with one extreme, as is seen in my political independence, humanistic philosophy of religion, and bisexuality, I find myself working toward some positive end, though my devices aren't always above board and even less frequently, popular or endearing. I do the things that need to be done, or I think need to be done, that in some way, some twisted aspect of my personality, cannot be let go. It makes me a champion of the crestfallen and cynical - but a very lonely man.
My greatest fear, like many people, is solitude. And as many men, solitude is my favorite retreat. The worst part about my social relationships is how fleeting they are. I meet people, get close, but then for my reasons or theirs, disconnect happens. They pull away. I'm consistently invested, but I lose people. I can never be certain if it's them or me, but I have a lingering suspicion that the blame is mine, at least most of the time.
I've lost the Star, all of them I fear. What's worse - they hurt me and I tend to get very self-destructive when hurt.
The summer is on the horizon and while I can see the valley of my senior year just beyond. There are many battles left, crusades against the inequity of the past, and rocky roads I've travelled and will travel again. My master plan has changed, shifted its focus really, but the endgame is still the same - graduate in May 2007. I can. And I will. The right to vengeance is mine. I shall be repaid. Vengeance unlimited is the essence of justice in a dark heart - and whose heart is more shaded than mine.
Here's to getting everything I want, everything I need, all that I desire, and all that I deserve.
A few parting words in these last paragraphs of the last pages. Over the course of my journal, the aspect of myself I've been wrestling with and trying to understand ultimately boils down to the fact that I'm alone, don't particularly like it, but cannot order my life any other way. In the tradition of the trickster, my life and circumstances seem to be focused on stirring up people and events like silt on a riverbed - mostly for my own amusement, to see what'll happen, how people will react, or for some latent goodness. From Wicked, we learn that it is the nature of evil to be secret. But there is something redeeming in the subtlties of good. And even though I hate to ally myself with one extreme, as is seen in my political independence, humanistic philosophy of religion, and bisexuality, I find myself working toward some positive end, though my devices aren't always above board and even less frequently, popular or endearing. I do the things that need to be done, or I think need to be done, that in some way, some twisted aspect of my personality, cannot be let go. It makes me a champion of the crestfallen and cynical - but a very lonely man.
My greatest fear, like many people, is solitude. And as many men, solitude is my favorite retreat. The worst part about my social relationships is how fleeting they are. I meet people, get close, but then for my reasons or theirs, disconnect happens. They pull away. I'm consistently invested, but I lose people. I can never be certain if it's them or me, but I have a lingering suspicion that the blame is mine, at least most of the time.
I've lost the Star, all of them I fear. What's worse - they hurt me and I tend to get very self-destructive when hurt.
The summer is on the horizon and while I can see the valley of my senior year just beyond. There are many battles left, crusades against the inequity of the past, and rocky roads I've travelled and will travel again. My master plan has changed, shifted its focus really, but the endgame is still the same - graduate in May 2007. I can. And I will. The right to vengeance is mine. I shall be repaid. Vengeance unlimited is the essence of justice in a dark heart - and whose heart is more shaded than mine.
Here's to getting everything I want, everything I need, all that I desire, and all that I deserve.