The Case of the Reluctant Sophomore
Fatigued and lowly frustrated, I'm cleaning my apartment at 1:00am. This semester did not turn out the way I expected, wanted, or in any way desired. The more I think about it, I'm wondering if perhaps there isn't an element of psychopathology to my malaise over the last few months. My parental trust issues are salient once again, my relationship difficulties with both sexes have become more apparant, isolationistic depression, withdrawal from two courses (albeit stupid ones I don't care about)...there's a compounding amount of evidence that perhaps I need to take some time to work out my issues. DeLamarter, while not a clinician by trade, was astute in identifying that I tend to overinvolve myself as a sort of personality compensation. It's a mechanism I learned from my parents, a habit I would very much like to break but have yet to address.
Later today I'm going back to Carlisle for a few weeks. It'll give me time to rest up, shop for those things I lack, and get ready to leap off the high dive once more. The downside of course is ample time with my family, which is a coin toss in itself. It's fifty-fifty that I'll actually relax or I could just as easily be pushed to the brink of rationality. Whatever. I'm looking forward to seeing my favorite people. Sadly, I won't be seeing Maritza - she's stuck in Ohio. James is heading south for the holiday, though I might catch him after the new year. Maritza and I are working to schedule a visit here, she can come spend a few days at the Tower and we can catch up. I'd like a few days with My Darling Girl. Which reminds me, I was recently criticized for my use of nicknames. It wasn't negative, more of a note that I give a special name to the special people in my life. So I thought for a lark, I'd provide a quick key for future reference.
Drew B. = Hero (He's my beer pong hero)
Matt M. = Idol (He's my beer pong idol, not to be confused with the hero)
Jess C. = Blondie (Due to her goldilocks)
James F.P. = Grasshopper (His nickname, but I use it too)
Annie B. = The Girl (Generic identification because she was "the" girl of my high school years)
Diana W. = Dixie (I got drunk one night and though I'd be fun to call her Dixie)
Susan B. = Karen Walker (After one stay in NYC, when we got into a Jack and Karen a la Will & Grace, I'm her poodle, she's my Karen)
Ryan K. = ?/Agent/Mi Amigo (Initially he was the Agent of the Brain, but after the Brain's death, we didn't really get him a new one. I have him listed as Mi Amigo in my phone)
Maritza = My Darling Girl (Because she is)
I'm forever adding people to the list, sometimes they're people in my life, sometimes they're one-time acquaintances.
Anyway, back from the ramble a bit, I'm trying to visualize how I'm going to improve next semester. I need to start taking care of my body, soul, and heart.
I'm going to start going to the gym. I know, it's everyone's New Year's Resolution. Mine is to call the important people in my life once every other week at minimum (Gram & Pap, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Carol, Jessi, Tina & Keith etc.) I've begun to think that this sense of loneliness is because I'm not used to reaching out to people. I haven't had much experience with people reaching back, but having had some success in that area, I think it's worth trying again. Back to the gym, my semester goal is going to be running five miles three times a week, lift my own body weight, and be able to swim a mile twice a week. I'll start slow, condition in January, then start building up come February.
As for my soul, that's very much up in the air and coming at me fast. I've been toying with the idea of going to Second Pres for Christmas Eve. I don't have much use for religion, but there's something about the spirit of the season that draws me there. I can't put a word to it, but perhaps that's what Kirk was talking about when he told me about his spirituality. Also, the SYI reunion is right after the New Year. January 5. I still haven't made up my mind if I'm attending. I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of people who're "Crazy for Jesus" but by the same token, we're friends in a genuine sense. Now that finals are over, I think I can finally devote attention to figuring it out.
As for my heart, that's simple enough. Next semester, my goal is to have one relationship. Length, type, nature - all miniscule variables. I just want to demonstrate to myself that I am at least capable of forging some sort of romantic liaison. If by next May I have not, I'm going to get some serious help.
I think I need a car. More and more each day. It's rapidly become a problem here in winter and I don't know if I can handle another year and a half here without one.
At the crest of the nightspan, I marvel at just how dark this semester has been in retrospection. I showed some serious growth socially, began a bit of an academic renaissance, but have been further disillusioned and disheartened by the clime of this place. I'm curious as to what the future holds, but true hope is hard to sustain in the cold, nocturnal hours - too many before dawn.
Later today I'm going back to Carlisle for a few weeks. It'll give me time to rest up, shop for those things I lack, and get ready to leap off the high dive once more. The downside of course is ample time with my family, which is a coin toss in itself. It's fifty-fifty that I'll actually relax or I could just as easily be pushed to the brink of rationality. Whatever. I'm looking forward to seeing my favorite people. Sadly, I won't be seeing Maritza - she's stuck in Ohio. James is heading south for the holiday, though I might catch him after the new year. Maritza and I are working to schedule a visit here, she can come spend a few days at the Tower and we can catch up. I'd like a few days with My Darling Girl. Which reminds me, I was recently criticized for my use of nicknames. It wasn't negative, more of a note that I give a special name to the special people in my life. So I thought for a lark, I'd provide a quick key for future reference.
Drew B. = Hero (He's my beer pong hero)
Matt M. = Idol (He's my beer pong idol, not to be confused with the hero)
Jess C. = Blondie (Due to her goldilocks)
James F.P. = Grasshopper (His nickname, but I use it too)
Annie B. = The Girl (Generic identification because she was "the" girl of my high school years)
Diana W. = Dixie (I got drunk one night and though I'd be fun to call her Dixie)
Susan B. = Karen Walker (After one stay in NYC, when we got into a Jack and Karen a la Will & Grace, I'm her poodle, she's my Karen)
Ryan K. = ?/Agent/Mi Amigo (Initially he was the Agent of the Brain, but after the Brain's death, we didn't really get him a new one. I have him listed as Mi Amigo in my phone)
Maritza = My Darling Girl (Because she is)
I'm forever adding people to the list, sometimes they're people in my life, sometimes they're one-time acquaintances.
Anyway, back from the ramble a bit, I'm trying to visualize how I'm going to improve next semester. I need to start taking care of my body, soul, and heart.
I'm going to start going to the gym. I know, it's everyone's New Year's Resolution. Mine is to call the important people in my life once every other week at minimum (Gram & Pap, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Carol, Jessi, Tina & Keith etc.) I've begun to think that this sense of loneliness is because I'm not used to reaching out to people. I haven't had much experience with people reaching back, but having had some success in that area, I think it's worth trying again. Back to the gym, my semester goal is going to be running five miles three times a week, lift my own body weight, and be able to swim a mile twice a week. I'll start slow, condition in January, then start building up come February.
As for my soul, that's very much up in the air and coming at me fast. I've been toying with the idea of going to Second Pres for Christmas Eve. I don't have much use for religion, but there's something about the spirit of the season that draws me there. I can't put a word to it, but perhaps that's what Kirk was talking about when he told me about his spirituality. Also, the SYI reunion is right after the New Year. January 5. I still haven't made up my mind if I'm attending. I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of people who're "Crazy for Jesus" but by the same token, we're friends in a genuine sense. Now that finals are over, I think I can finally devote attention to figuring it out.
As for my heart, that's simple enough. Next semester, my goal is to have one relationship. Length, type, nature - all miniscule variables. I just want to demonstrate to myself that I am at least capable of forging some sort of romantic liaison. If by next May I have not, I'm going to get some serious help.
I think I need a car. More and more each day. It's rapidly become a problem here in winter and I don't know if I can handle another year and a half here without one.
At the crest of the nightspan, I marvel at just how dark this semester has been in retrospection. I showed some serious growth socially, began a bit of an academic renaissance, but have been further disillusioned and disheartened by the clime of this place. I'm curious as to what the future holds, but true hope is hard to sustain in the cold, nocturnal hours - too many before dawn.