I don't want to do this fucking assignment
It's been a damn long time since I put an update in here that was of any real importance. Kinda writing this out as a mass bulletin for the peeps in my life who I haven't been keeping up with. Doubt many of you will read much of it but I figured I might as well check in.
It's April 21st at 2:30 in the morning. I have a take-home test due in Research II tomorrow that I haven't started and I really just don't want to do it but I must. Eventually. I haven't gotten any normal amounts of sleep in a long long time.
Life hasn't been the greatest lately. I've done a lot of reflecting and realize that there are many aspects of who I am that I'm not happy with. I kinda just want to go on sabbatical and wipe my life clean, reset if you will, but since that's not possible I'm trying to smudge away the uglier parts and draw over them again. Amongst other more minor changes, I broke up with Wes a week ago (Please don't leave me comments of sympathy. As much as it sucks it was something I chose to do for myself and I don't want people feeling bad for me because of that). He didn't do anything wrong; I've just grown discontent with my unintended co-dependence on him and there are a lot of things I need to do that I won't if I have him to fall back on; i.e. I'm almost 20 and I still don't have my license. That's just one of a few issues. I'm being torn into a bunch of different pieces by different paths my life can take and the uncertainty sucks not only because of how sensitive it is, but that since I don't even know what the fuck my brain is doing half the time I can't even vent to people because my status could change by the second. I've been under a lot of stress and have taken up smoking a little from time to time again and I know that makes me the biggest douchebag hypocrite in the world (all my buddies at work will not stop razzing me about it) but it's not a habit I plan on keeping. I'd just rather smoke and stay straight whilst risking nicotine addiction than turn to alcohol that can really fuck me up especially if I start getting addicted...
Outside of my Wes issues, I've been getting very close to Mike Fisher. He and I started becoming really good friends last summer and some mutual feelings have developed recently. Wes knows this. I'm in no state to start a new relationship right now but I honestly don't have any fucking idea what I'm going to do once I get my life in order. I've been very frustrated lately because Wes and I have had minor sporadic problems for a while now and in my mind I've been preparing for a potential split whilst he hasn't; most of the time I can handle it well (even though I miss him like hell) but he's still wounded fresh and bleeding. I know it's normal for him to get so upset when he sees me but I've grown mentally used to the pain now so it's kind of annoying to me that he gets sad. Again with the douchebag state of being. I know folks, I know.
Along with that shit, I have no bloody idea if I want to stay in psychology or if I even want to stay at UML. I love it there but I don't know if it will give me what I need to prepare for where I want to go in the world (wherever in the hell that may be). I'm kinda thinking interior design or something artistic like graphics and/or ad design but those jobs are the kind you either do really well in or you totally fail in. I'm so unsure about everything right now. I've kinda just been wanting to pack up and disapear for a little while to find myself; a craving I've had on and off since October. I think I might have seasonal affective disorder, too.
So yeah, I'm in a big pile of shit right now. Dammit, I don't want to do this test.
I hope everyone else has been doing well. Here's to our impending summer vacation!
[EDIT at 3:48am] Okay, I give up. After trying to understand this stupid data for like a half hour, the program tells me I don't have a license to create any output because it's past the expiration date. But, I bought a new copy and reinstalled it in September, and I just un- and reinstalled it again with no luck. I'm not understanding this class at all and I don't think I'm going to get any better. We only have 5 test grades to go by and my average for the two we've had so far is a 55 and not having this test tomorrow will bring it even further down, so I think I'm just going to accept a failing grade this semester and stop trying (the withdrawl dealine was last week) and just take it over again next semester with a different professor. All I ever do in that class is doodle and space out, anyway. I'm in such a shit mood right now. The birds are awake and I've yet to sleep; passing out now will only grant me four and a half hours. Guess I'll have to take what I can get and then take a nap after class.
This week has been teh SUCK.
It's April 21st at 2:30 in the morning. I have a take-home test due in Research II tomorrow that I haven't started and I really just don't want to do it but I must. Eventually. I haven't gotten any normal amounts of sleep in a long long time.
Life hasn't been the greatest lately. I've done a lot of reflecting and realize that there are many aspects of who I am that I'm not happy with. I kinda just want to go on sabbatical and wipe my life clean, reset if you will, but since that's not possible I'm trying to smudge away the uglier parts and draw over them again. Amongst other more minor changes, I broke up with Wes a week ago (Please don't leave me comments of sympathy. As much as it sucks it was something I chose to do for myself and I don't want people feeling bad for me because of that). He didn't do anything wrong; I've just grown discontent with my unintended co-dependence on him and there are a lot of things I need to do that I won't if I have him to fall back on; i.e. I'm almost 20 and I still don't have my license. That's just one of a few issues. I'm being torn into a bunch of different pieces by different paths my life can take and the uncertainty sucks not only because of how sensitive it is, but that since I don't even know what the fuck my brain is doing half the time I can't even vent to people because my status could change by the second. I've been under a lot of stress and have taken up smoking a little from time to time again and I know that makes me the biggest douchebag hypocrite in the world (all my buddies at work will not stop razzing me about it) but it's not a habit I plan on keeping. I'd just rather smoke and stay straight whilst risking nicotine addiction than turn to alcohol that can really fuck me up especially if I start getting addicted...
Outside of my Wes issues, I've been getting very close to Mike Fisher. He and I started becoming really good friends last summer and some mutual feelings have developed recently. Wes knows this. I'm in no state to start a new relationship right now but I honestly don't have any fucking idea what I'm going to do once I get my life in order. I've been very frustrated lately because Wes and I have had minor sporadic problems for a while now and in my mind I've been preparing for a potential split whilst he hasn't; most of the time I can handle it well (even though I miss him like hell) but he's still wounded fresh and bleeding. I know it's normal for him to get so upset when he sees me but I've grown mentally used to the pain now so it's kind of annoying to me that he gets sad. Again with the douchebag state of being. I know folks, I know.
Along with that shit, I have no bloody idea if I want to stay in psychology or if I even want to stay at UML. I love it there but I don't know if it will give me what I need to prepare for where I want to go in the world (wherever in the hell that may be). I'm kinda thinking interior design or something artistic like graphics and/or ad design but those jobs are the kind you either do really well in or you totally fail in. I'm so unsure about everything right now. I've kinda just been wanting to pack up and disapear for a little while to find myself; a craving I've had on and off since October. I think I might have seasonal affective disorder, too.
So yeah, I'm in a big pile of shit right now. Dammit, I don't want to do this test.
I hope everyone else has been doing well. Here's to our impending summer vacation!
[EDIT at 3:48am] Okay, I give up. After trying to understand this stupid data for like a half hour, the program tells me I don't have a license to create any output because it's past the expiration date. But, I bought a new copy and reinstalled it in September, and I just un- and reinstalled it again with no luck. I'm not understanding this class at all and I don't think I'm going to get any better. We only have 5 test grades to go by and my average for the two we've had so far is a 55 and not having this test tomorrow will bring it even further down, so I think I'm just going to accept a failing grade this semester and stop trying (the withdrawl dealine was last week) and just take it over again next semester with a different professor. All I ever do in that class is doodle and space out, anyway. I'm in such a shit mood right now. The birds are awake and I've yet to sleep; passing out now will only grant me four and a half hours. Guess I'll have to take what I can get and then take a nap after class.
This week has been teh SUCK.