082. (fic) soulxsoul, ch.7
title: soulxsoul, ch.7
rating/genre: pg-13; au, drama, romance
pairing(s): ohmiya, sakuraiba
words: 5,255
summary: nino doesn't think he's crazy, but he doesn't tell anyone about satoshi anymore. because how could you tell anyone that you have another person living in your body?
disclaimer: FICTION.
notes: longest chapter everrr (~_~) so, we're finally back to nino POV, and this is pretty much all flashbacks, takes place during the last chapter. angst to the max. character death...sort of? at any rate, sad things happen :/
Chapter 1| Chapter 2| Chapter 3| Chapter 4| Chapter 5| Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Nino wakes to a dream. At least, he was sure he was sleeping, and he is sure that he isn’t sleeping now, but he is most definitely not awake. Everything is foggy awareness, and all he can think is that it is a dream.
A memory, comes Satoshi’s voice nearby. Nino turns toward it without moving, because he can’t move, because he’s not really here.
With that thought comes the realization that he is somewhere-a dusty riverbank under an orange sky. There are figures by the bank, silhouetted against the flashing water.
We’re remembering, Satoshi says, closer now, closer, until they’re wrapped up together and Nino can feel the shame and sorrow Satoshi is radiating.
I messed up, Kazu, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
In flashes, Nino sees what Satoshi saw, what Satoshi did, in his body. Sees the anger and disbelief in Jun’s face. He thinks maybe he should be mad, but all Nino feels is a dull resignation. It was bound to happen, sooner or later.
Never mind, he tells Satoshi gently, it’s fine. We’re fine. Where are we?
Remembering, Satoshi replies vaguely, and Nino feels the other man’s focus shift to the figures by the river. Masaki helped us remember.
Masaki…?
Confusion curls through Nino’s consciousness, but now he’s watching the boys by the river, too, and seeing them.
Us.
Kazu, and Satoshi, crouched down by the water, skipping stones. They are not so different, but for dirty knees, strange old fashioned clothes and sandals that don’t fit well. As Nino watches, he sees the scene from the outside, and through the eyes of the young man on the riverbank. For the first time, and all over again.
“I saw Masaki today,” Kazu says, tossing a stone for five quick skips.
Satoshi glances over at him, asking without asking.
“He said Sho-chan is getting worse,” Kazu says, hurling his next stone so that it just sinks with a big splash.
Satoshi sighs, and after a moment, slides an arm around Kazu’s shoulders. The other boy stiffens a little before leaning into the touch.
“We’ll figure something out,” Satoshi says quietly. “We’ll help him.”
“How?” Kazu wants to know. “The doctors don’t even know what’s wrong with him, he just keeps getting sicker-”
“We’ll help him,” Satoshi says again. “Somehow.”
Kazu takes a breath like he might argue, but then just lets it out on a long sigh.
The sunlight off the water seems to grow brighter, flashing faster and faster, flashing, flashing-
Flash.
Kazu crouches outside the door, outside the circle of light from Sho’s little bedside lamp, hidden in the shadows. Everyone else is still in the room, but Kazu just can’t do it any more. He can’t look down into Sho’s face and see how he’s dying. He can hear Sho start to cough again, hear Masaki murmuring soothing words, and he wants to plug his ears.
After a time, Jun joins him in the hall, sitting down close but not touching. Kazu knows that Jun is the same-he doesn’t like not being able to fix things, he doesn’t like everyone telling him “there’s nothing you can do”.
“Hey,” Jun says after a long stretch of silence. “There’s something…do you want to hear something crazy?”
Kazu just shrugs, but apparently this is encouragement enough.
“The other day,” Jun continues, “I was waiting for the bus, and this man came up to me. I’ve never seen this guy before in my life, but he looks at me and says ‘I can help you’. I asked him what he was talking about and he said he knew about my friend. He said he could see that someone close to me was dying.”
Jun shudders a bit at the memory. Kazu just watches him intently.
“He gave me this,” Jun says, pulling out a business card. “Told me to come to his place if I wanted his help.”
Kazu takes the little piece of stiff paper, reading it quickly. There’s a name in kanji, and a telephone number and address for someplace called “Kitagawa Clinic”.
“A doctor?” Kazu asks.
Jun gives a little shrug. “I guess.”
“We’ve tried doctors,” Kazu reminds him. “Lots of doctors.”
“Wouldn’t hurt to try one more,” Jun says. He’s staring contemplatively at his hands, twisting and untwisting his fingers. “There was something…I don’t think this guy was a regular doctor. I just thought that maybe…”
Kazu is not especially surprised when Satoshi is suddenly kneeling down behind him, reaching around for the card. Jun jumps a little at the intrusion, but both the younger boys wait in expectant silence.
“We should try it,” he says softly. He looks up, straight at Kazu, with the kind of focus he reserves for very important occasions.
And Kazu finds himself nodding slowly, keeping his eyes locked on Satoshi’s.
“Yeah. Let’s try it.”
Flash.
It is pouring down rain. They’ve got Sho under an umbrella, bundled up as best they could manage, while the rest of them form a human barrier around him to keep out as much of the damp as possible.
“You know,” Sho says irritably, muffled by his many layers, “I’m not made of sugar, I’m pretty sure a little rain wouldn’t kill me.”
“It wouldn’t help you, either,” Kazu snaps back.
“Sho’s parents are only going to be gone a couple of hours,” Masaki cuts in. “Jun, where is this place?”
“It should be right around here,” Jun reassures him, scanning the shop fronts through the downpour. “It’s this street, I’m sure-there!”
He points ahead, to a three-story brick building with the words “Kitagawa Clinic” painted on a large sign over the entrance. They hurry across the street and push their way inside, shaking off the rain and looking around as the front doors close behind them.
The waiting room is fairly small and nondescript, white and beige with some watercolor paintings on the walls. The strangest thing is that it is completely empty, but for a receptionist and a man standing by the front desk. He turns to look at them as they enter, and Kazu notes his very nice three-piece suit and the little grin that seems to be a permanent fixture at the corner of his mouth. His eyes fix on Jun with a light of recognition.
“Hello,” Jun says, stepping forward a bit awkwardly. “I, uh. We met the other day, you gave me your card…”
“Yes, I remember,” the man says-Nakai, if Kazu read the name on the card right. He looks them over with that same little smile. “This is a few more visitors than I was expecting.”
“Um. Sorry,” Jun mutters. “Well. This is-this is my friend, the one who-”
Jun cuts himself off, but Nakai doesn’t seem to notice, just watches Sho step forward on weak and unsteady legs. He doesn’t need to say anymore, really. The deep circles under Sho’s eyes, the pale skin, the skeletal limbs tell it well enough. Nakai takes a few steps forward and reaches out to catch Sho’s chin in his hand, staring at him hard. Sho jerks a little at the touch, but clenches his jaw, determined not to look away.
Everyone seems to be holding their breath, filling the cramped space with expectant silence. Kazu feels Satoshi’s hand slide into his own, and he grips back, perhaps a little harder than he needs to. Nakai is still staring and staring at Sho. Then, he tilts his head and his little smile turns to a frown.
“Interesting,” he murmurs. He drops his hand back to his side and, as he does, starts to look over all of them with a new curiosity in his eyes.
“Can you help him?” Masaki says urgently. He reaches out instinctively when Sho wobbles, supporting him.
Nakai’s gaze settles on Masaki, and his mouth twitches back to a grin. “I’ll have to consult with my colleagues,” he says. After another pause he asks: “Would you mind if I ran a few tests?”
Flash.
“We can’t save his body,” Nakai says, and the atmosphere in the room darkens immediately. Masaki, who had gotten his hopes up despite knowing he shouldn’t, gives a strangled little hiccup, but swallows it while blinking rapidly to clear his watery eyes. Sho just gives a kind of resigned sigh. Kazu can hear Jun cursing softly, and beside him, Satoshi stays quiet.
“However,” Nakai continues, “we can save his soul.”
The only response to this statement is dead silence.
“What?” Sho finally says.
“Your soul,” Nakai says again. “As you know very well by now, we do not use traditional medical practices here at the ASD. We have been working on a technology to aid in the transfer of a soul from one body to another. Using it, we can move your soul into a Carrier until we find another body for you.”
“A Carrier…?” Sho echoes faintly.
“Until we find you another body, someone else will have to carry your soul alongside their own. As this can be dangerous for someone without the proper experience, we have a specially trained agent who can assist you.”
After another round of stunned silence, Satoshi speaks up softly.
“Could we have a moment, please?”
Nakai nods and leaves the room.
“This is insane,” Jun says as soon as the door is closed. “I’m sorry, Sho-chan, I really just thought this would be some kind of new-age, homeopathic thing, I didn’t think they would actually talk about removing your soul-”
“What if they can?” Sho interrupts. Everyone is shocked into silence, watching Sho staring at his hands.
“You can’t really believe-” Kazu starts, but Sho cuts him off.
“But what if they can?” he says again. “I mean, probably nothing will come of it. Worst case scenario: I die. And that’s going to happen anyway.”
“Don’t say that,” Jun pleads, but Sho’s eyes catch his, and hold.
“It’s true,” he says quietly. “It’s true. And I’m terrified. If there’s anything, any way…”
“I’ll do it,” Masaki says suddenly, gripping Sho’s arm and turning to look at him. “The Carrier, or whatever it is-I’ll carry you, until…”
Kazu sees the way Sho is looking at Masaki, the way they are looking at each other, and drops his own gaze to the floor. He listens to the rest of the conversation with his eyes on his shoes.
“It could be dangerous,” Sho murmurs. “Nakai-sensei said-”
“I don’t care,” Masaki answers, determined. “I don’t care.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Kazu sees Masaki lean forward, hears the quick intake of breath and the sound of meeting lips, and Jun’s little startled squawk.
He turns away, feeling his own cheeks coloring, to find himself facing Satoshi, who is watching the other two with sharp eyes and a look of intense concentration.
Flash.
The contraption Nakai has prepared for them looks something like a computer, the big processors that Kazu has seen pictures of-ugly and boxy, with lots of odd knobs and lights, and a clunky keyboard on top next to a small, grainy screen. It’s only about the size of a low chest of drawers, and there are two rings on the top that almost look like they came off of an electric stove.
“You’ve arranged everything at home?” Nakai asks Sho again. “Remember, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, you will be dead.”
“I know,” Sho replies with a jerky wave of his hand. “I have. I’m ready.”
Nakai then turns to Masaki. “And you’re sure about this?”
Masaki just nods, gripping Sho’s hand and staring hard at the machine in front of them.
Finally, Nakai turns to Kazu, Satoshi, and Jun, lined up against the wall near the door. “And you three-you’re sure you want to be here for this?”
“Yes,” Kazu snaps, and Jun gives him a quelling look. “Yes,” he says again, softer.
Nakai just shrugs and turns back to the machine.
“I still think this thing is butt-ugly,” says Katori, one of the other four doctors-or agents, as Kazu supposes is the correct term-who has joined them for the transfer. Katori is currently staring at the machine, which Nakai called “The Reader”, with his hands on his hips. The other three agents are spread out around the room in varying states of attentiveness.
“Helpful, Shingo-kun, really,” Nakai says distractedly, from where he is punching buttons on the machine. “Next time I’ll let you paint flowers on it or something.”
“Or I could just-” Kimura begins, but Kusanagi shoots him a warning glance. Kimura snaps his mouth shut and wanders over to where Inagaki is making a detailed inspection of his fingernails.
“I don’t like this,” Jun says, low.
Kazu blows an irritated sigh out through his nose. “It’s a little late for that.”
Jun just shakes his head, and Kazu turns to his other side, to Satoshi. The other boy looks up when he feels Kazu’s gaze on him. He doesn’t speak, but Kazu can see all the nerves, hesitation, and most of all, the hope in his troubled expression. Kazu nods to Satoshi’s unspoken question.
It’ll be all right. It has to be all right.
“Okay,” Nakai says at last, “Sho-kun, here, and Masaki-kun, here, and then your hands on these rings.”
Sho and Masaki both sit, each in a chair next to the Reader, facing each other, expressions tight and backs stiff. Nakai fiddles with some buttons and dials before saying “You may feel a little tingle.”
Almost at the same time, both boys shudder, but keep their hands where they are. Kimura joins Nakai at the Reader, watching over his shoulder. The low rumbling hum that the machine has been emitting goes up an octave, and a light on the console starts blinking.
“Now,” Nakai says urgently, “the transfer is going to start in just a moment. It takes a few minutes for the whole process to finish, but whatever happens, do not take your hands off the rings. In fact, Tsuyoshi-kun, can you stand here with Sho-”
“I’ll do it,” Jun says, stepping forward quickly. He moves around behind Sho, placing his hands on the other boy’s shoulders with a reassuring squeeze. Nakai just nods, and presses one more button with an air of finality.
It is distressingly anticlimactic. There is silence in the room except for the whir of the Reader, and it stretches and stretches, until Kazu feels ready to break. Eventually, he just can’t stand still any longer. He marches forward, pulling Satoshi along with him, and places himself behind Masaki. It’s been all of them in this together from the beginning, and he wants Sho to know that, to see it. Kazu fixes his eyes on Sho’s, and receives a tiny, tense smile in return.
It’s not going to work, Kazu thinks. Nothing’s going to happen.
And then something does.
All of a sudden, Sho’s eyes flutter shut and he slumps over, Jun’s grip on him the only thing keeping him from sliding to the floor. He is completely limp and still, a puppet with its strings cut, and for a moment, they all just stare at each other. Then it hits-Kazu feels it like a punch to the stomach, sickening and painful and startling.
Sho is dead.
Aiba lets out a low, choked cry and lurches forward a bit in his seat, but doesn’t leave it. Kazu and Satoshi both have their hands at his shoulders. They are all waiting, and Nakai must feel the tension in the air.
“Almost,” he murmurs, staring hard at the monitor on the Reader. “Almost, just wait, wait, just-”
The flashing light on the console suddenly stops, and the machine starts emitting a shrill beep. Nakai stares incredulous at the screen.
“No!” he yells at it, giving the box a hard slap. He begins frantically punching something into the keyboard, as he yells to Kusanagi. “Tsuyoshi, get over here-”
But Kusanagi is already there, standing by Sho’s end of the Reader, one hand holding Sho’s wrist and keeping it in place, the other hand poised as if preparing to place it on the ring.
“What? What is it?” Masaki asks, frantic. “What happened to Sho, where is he?”
“It’s fine,” Nakai says, and Kazu gets the distinct impression it is a bold-faced lie. Nakai is sweating visibly, and there is a deep panicked line between his brows.
“It’s fine,” he says again, “I’ve just…Got him!”
The light on the Reader starts flashing again, but only for a moment before Masaki suddenly gasps and jerks upright in his seat.
“Sho-chan,” he murmurs, and then in a very different voice: “Where am I? What-Masaki, what’s happening-” He cuts himself off again, with a pained sound. “Nng, Sho-chan, don’t-I’m right here, you’re fine, you’re fine-”
Before the other boys can do much more than stare, Inagaki is suddenly at Masaki’s side, pulling him gently from his seat and towards the door. Masaki is groaning and holding his head now, still talking in two different voices, and then they’re gone.
“It worked?” Satoshi says hesitantly. Kazu blinks, dazed, and turns to him, but away again almost immediately because there is a clatter and he looks over to see Jun on the floor, cradling Sho’s body. He is silent, rocking a little, and there are tears on his face.
“Dead,” Jun whispers when Kazu and Satoshi crouch down next to him. “After everything, he’s still-”
He cuts himself off when Nakai and Kimura come to stand over them. Nakai’s face is carefully schooled to blankness, but there is a trace of sympathy around Kimura’s eyes.
“Take him home,” Nakai says.
Flash.
It is utterly, utterly bizarre to be at Sho’s funeral, in front of the black draped photo of Sho’s smiling face and the casket holding Sho’s body, when Kazu knows that, for all intents and purposes, Sho is standing right next to him, in Masaki’s body.
They bow to Sho’s parents, murmur their condolences, then escape out the back door as soon as is politely possible. Sho’s house is big enough to have a sizeable garden out back, and Masaki wanders over to the bench under the plum tree to sit down. Kazu follows him but remains standing, staring up at the murky grey sky. He knows Jun and Satoshi are here somewhere, but Jun has been taking the whole thing very hard and Satoshi was always the best at handling him.
“How are you doing?” Kazu asks finally.
Masaki makes a noncommittal grunt, then sighs, running a hand across his forehead. After the transfer, Inagaki helped him, and Sho, to adjust to the whole sharing-a-body thing, so at least they’re not always talking over each other. But the headaches, the dizziness, won’t seem to let up. Kazu sits himself down next to Masaki on the bench.
“Your appetite back yet?”
Masaki shrugs. “A little. I’ve been eating,” he adds defensively, at Kazu’s pointed stare. Then, for a moment, his eyes lose their focus, go distant. “It is enough,” he says, seemingly to himself, but Kazu knows who he’s really talking to.
“Sho-chan?” Kazu asks, feeling a little guilty, knowing it’s hard for them to switch, but he just. He misses Sho, so much. He watches Masaki’s face as it changes-the way he holds his head, just a little different, the set of his jaw, and his eyes. Sho’s eyes, now.
“Nakai said it wouldn’t be long,” Sho says immediately. “He says they’re working on-on building me a new body.”
“Building? Like a robot or something?”
“No-well, I don’t know, really. He didn’t…really say.”
“Be kind of cool, though,” Kazu ventures, earning himself a tiny smile from Sho.
As they lapse back into silence, Kazu looks up to see Jun and Satoshi approaching from around the side of the house, and finds himself really looking at them, for the first time, maybe.
Jun, the youngest, but so much older now. Somehow, in the short time since the transfer, age has settled into the lines of his face, his shoulders, and there is a burning, desperate determination in his eyes that Kazu is a little afraid of.
And Satoshi. Always right there, at Kazu’s side, always within reach. Kazu realizes, suddenly, that he takes this for granted. What would it be like if something happened, like with Sho, what if Satoshi suddenly wasn’t there where Kazu could reach out and touch him? He pushes the thought away, because the yawning void left by that question is too much, too big, to think about.
Flash.
“It’s taking too long,” Kazu says. “Masaki can’t handle it, he’s…I don’t know, it’s like he’s just falling apart.”
“They warned him,” Satoshi points out, but he sounds worried, too. “They said it could be difficult.”
They keep their voices low, secretive, because even up on the roof, even with everyone else asleep, they can’t risk being overheard. It’s been almost two months since the transfer. The summer heat is finally setting in, making the night air heavy and damp. Satoshi shifts a little closer on the tiles, and Kazu notices. He always notices, now.
“Jun wants to Carry him,” Satoshi says after a few moments of silence. “Sho, I mean. He’s afraid something bad will happen to Masaki, and…well, you know Jun. He feels guilty, like it should have been him.”
“Stupid,” Kazu scoffs, but there’s a part of him that feels the same. Guilt, that none of the rest of them even volunteered, that he didn’t do something. “What can he do except fall apart, too? We’ll just have to talk to Nakai and…we’ll figure something out.”
They fall quiet again, listening to the little nighttime sounds-an animal scuttling through the alley, footsteps and laughter a few streets over by the bar, and over all of it the drone of cicadas, so loud Kazu thinks he can feel it in his bones. Like he feels the warmth of Satoshi’s body, only a hairsbreadth away. It’s such a careful distance between them now, ever since Kazu starting thinking about what it would mean to lose it.
“Kazu,” Satoshi says eventually, careful like the space between them. “If something ever happened to you, you know I would-I’d do anything. I’d Carry you, if-”
“Shut up,” Kazu says. He has his knees drawn up to his chest, and he hides his face there. He knows what Satoshi is trying to do, and he wants it, but…But if they close this last bit of distance, if they make that change, it will just be harder, won’t it? If something ever happened to Satoshi, it would be so much harder if Kazu let himself admit how much he cares.
“Kazu,” Satoshi says again, more firmly. He reaches out, tugging at Kazu’s arm, easing him out of his defensive curl, until he has a hand on either side of Kazu’s face. “You have to know this. If something happened and I never told you-”
“It’s better, if you don’t,” Kazu interrupts a little desperately, even though he knows they’ve waded into the deepest part of this already, and going back will be just as hard as going forward. “It won’t hurt as much if you don’t.”
“It would,” Satoshi counters, voice even, inexorable. Kazu reaches up to grasp Satoshi’s wrists, but doesn’t quite get around to pulling him away.
“It won’t help anything.”
Satoshi smiles, a little sadly. “It doesn’t have to.”
“But-”
“I love you,” Satoshi says, before Kazu can protest any further.
Kazu lets out a shaking breath, lets Satoshi pull him in, and gives up that last little distance.
Flash.
Masaki comes to them in tears, shaking and ashen. He feels paper-thin in Kazu’s arms.
“I told him not to, we told him it was too dangerous,” Masaki is babbling, eyes and nose running, making a dark spot on Kazu’s shirt. “And I had to-to leave him there, I didn’t know what to do, the agents are taking care of-of him-but they’re going to-”
“Slow down, slow down,” Kazu tells him, taking the dishcloth Satoshi just handed him and trying to clean up Masaki’s face. “Left who where? What happened? Is it Sho-chan?”
“Jun!” Masaki sobs, gripping Kazu’s shirt as hard as he can. “He took us back to the clinic, made them try another transfer, but something-I don’t know what happened, the machine malfunctioned, or-and then, Jun, he just…”
“What?” Satoshi pushes when Masaki stops, frozen and staring. “What happened to him?”
Masaki turns to Satoshi in a kind of horrified daze. “He’s…gone.”
Flash.
Jun dead, Masaki dying, and Sho stuck somewhere in between unless the Host body Nakai has been promising them is finished soon. Kazu feels like he is wandering through his own life, empty and useless.
People are starting to look at them funny, rumors are popping up, now that two of their friends are gone and the third is mysteriously fading away. Kazu has no answers to their suspicious looks, their veiled questions. Always, now, he feels a boiling helpless rage just under his skin, he doesn’t know how to let it out. And then they are alone, and Satoshi touches him, and he snaps.
He has Satoshi against the wall, devouring his mouth, tearing at his clothes, trying to get closer, closer-he needs to, needs this, something to hold onto.
Kazu doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but Satoshi lets him push and fumble, until they are both sweating and trembling and close to the edge.
“Stay with me,” Kazu begs, without meaning to speak.
“Always,” Satoshi promises. He pulls Kazu even closer. “Always.”
They reach the precipice and fall together.
Flash.
For almost a week, the agents have been keeping Masaki at the clinic. To monitor his condition, they said. Kazu and Satoshi don’t find out that the Host transfer was successful, that it even happened, until they come in to visit Masaki and find Sho waiting for them in the lobby.
At first, Kazu just stares, gripping Satoshi’s arm hard enough to leave bruises. His heart is in his throat, and he knows this can’t be real.
“I see him, too,” Satoshi reassures him, though Kazu hasn’t spoken. That is all the encouragement Kazu needs, and he crosses the rest of the lobby at a dash.
But before Kazu can throw his arms around the other boy, Sho has his hands up, steps back warily, and Kazu halts in confusion.
“Sho-chan, what-you’re here, how…?”
Sho hesitates, his brows furrow. “The Host,” he begins, but can’t seem to find the words. Instead, he holds out a hand for Kazu to take. Kazu does so, gripping it with both his own.
He stares down, sees Sho’s hand in his, the longer, knobby fingers under his own blunt digits. He can see it, but…
“I can’t touch you,” Kazu whispers. Satoshi is beside him now, and glances at him, confused. He reaches out to pick up Sho’s other hand, then gives a little gasp. Like holding air, like holding nothing at all.
“Masaki doesn’t know,” Sho says, with a deep pain in his voice. “He’s still asleep, the transfer was too much, and he-I don’t know what to do.”
Flash.
“It-it must have been the shock,” Kimura says faintly. “He should have started recovering, once the…transfer…” He trails off, just staring down at the hospital bed, at the still form lying in it.
Kazu can’t look away from Masaki’s face. He could be sleeping, really. He looks so much more peaceful now, the pain gone from his face, he almost looks like he did before. Kazu knows there are deep, racking sobs waiting in the pit of his stomach, he can feel them like a weight there, but he holds them in. Not here. Satoshi is crying freely, silent tears that roll endlessly down his cheeks.
Sho is standing across the room, by the window. He keeps pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, hard, then pulling them away to stare at them. In a flash of insight, Kazu understands something-the Host body cannot cry.
Instead, Sho screams.
Flash.
None of them are there when Masaki’s parents come to collect his body. They have already said their goodbyes.
Later, after the funeral, after everything is taken care of, Kazu comes home and sees a policeman on the stoop talking to his mother.
He turns and walks away before anyone can see him approaching.
Flash.
“Run,” Sho says, pleading. “Just get out, before-”
“We won’t leave you here!” Kazu hisses. They shouldn’t even be here, but Sho can’t leave the clinic and risk someone seeing him. “I can Carry you this time, I bet I could figure out how that machine-”
“NO,” Sho almost yells. The anger that is wound up tight with his grief springs to the surface. “No more fucking transfers-no one else is going to die because I was too afraid to!”
Before Kazu can say anything else, there are sounds from upstairs-a door opening, footsteps moving along the hall towards the stairwell.
“Just get out of here,” Sho says again, herding them towards the door. “Get out of town, stay away until everything blows over. The agents, they’ll try and make you stay here, and I just don’t know-”
“We’ll come back for you,” Satoshi promises.
“Don’t,” Sho counters. “Just-I’m going to stay here, as long as it takes, until I can figure out what they do, how they do it. Until I can make sure we’re all together again. All five of us.”
Kazu’s brow knits in confusion. “But how-”
“Go!” Sho says, pushing them through the door. The footsteps are on the stairs now.
They run.
Flash.
Years pass, and they live like shadows, learning to get what they need without leaving any traces. They work odd-jobs for cash, live out of an old car for a while, until it gets towed, then in a tent near a homeless village. Sometimes they send postcards to their families, just to let them know they’re okay, but they always have to move on quickly afterwards, just in case.
Belatedly, Kazu realizes that running just made them look more guilty, but he doesn’t really regret it. Even if he could have managed to keep his head through all the interrogations, to not give anything away, he knows everyone in town would go on thinking he and Satoshi had something to do with the strange deaths of their friends.
Even so, Kazu wants to go back. He knows Satoshi would go with him as soon as he said the word, but he’s afraid, too. Afraid of police waiting for him in his living room, of the agents finding them, of anything that will take away the last piece of his old life that he has to hold onto.
“Right here,” Satoshi whispers to him at night. “I’m right here with you.”
Eventually, enough time goes by that they feel safe returning-quietly, carefully. They visit the local graveyard, only long enough to leave small bundles of flowers by three of the grave-markers.
But when they go to find Sho, there is a flower shop where the clinic used to be.
“Kitagawa Clinic?” says the young shop-keeper. “Never heard of it. You boys not from around here?”
Flash.
Chapter 8
Author's Note: .............um. i just. i don't even. this chapter XD; i don't even know what i think about it anymore, but yeah. the past, revealed! sort of! now i just need to figure out how to transition from this to the ending i have :D;;; anyway, yeah. enjoy?
rating/genre: pg-13; au, drama, romance
pairing(s): ohmiya, sakuraiba
words: 5,255
summary: nino doesn't think he's crazy, but he doesn't tell anyone about satoshi anymore. because how could you tell anyone that you have another person living in your body?
disclaimer: FICTION.
notes: longest chapter everrr (~_~) so, we're finally back to nino POV, and this is pretty much all flashbacks, takes place during the last chapter. angst to the max. character death...sort of? at any rate, sad things happen :/
Chapter 1| Chapter 2| Chapter 3| Chapter 4| Chapter 5| Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Nino wakes to a dream. At least, he was sure he was sleeping, and he is sure that he isn’t sleeping now, but he is most definitely not awake. Everything is foggy awareness, and all he can think is that it is a dream.
A memory, comes Satoshi’s voice nearby. Nino turns toward it without moving, because he can’t move, because he’s not really here.
With that thought comes the realization that he is somewhere-a dusty riverbank under an orange sky. There are figures by the bank, silhouetted against the flashing water.
We’re remembering, Satoshi says, closer now, closer, until they’re wrapped up together and Nino can feel the shame and sorrow Satoshi is radiating.
I messed up, Kazu, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
In flashes, Nino sees what Satoshi saw, what Satoshi did, in his body. Sees the anger and disbelief in Jun’s face. He thinks maybe he should be mad, but all Nino feels is a dull resignation. It was bound to happen, sooner or later.
Never mind, he tells Satoshi gently, it’s fine. We’re fine. Where are we?
Remembering, Satoshi replies vaguely, and Nino feels the other man’s focus shift to the figures by the river. Masaki helped us remember.
Masaki…?
Confusion curls through Nino’s consciousness, but now he’s watching the boys by the river, too, and seeing them.
Us.
Kazu, and Satoshi, crouched down by the water, skipping stones. They are not so different, but for dirty knees, strange old fashioned clothes and sandals that don’t fit well. As Nino watches, he sees the scene from the outside, and through the eyes of the young man on the riverbank. For the first time, and all over again.
“I saw Masaki today,” Kazu says, tossing a stone for five quick skips.
Satoshi glances over at him, asking without asking.
“He said Sho-chan is getting worse,” Kazu says, hurling his next stone so that it just sinks with a big splash.
Satoshi sighs, and after a moment, slides an arm around Kazu’s shoulders. The other boy stiffens a little before leaning into the touch.
“We’ll figure something out,” Satoshi says quietly. “We’ll help him.”
“How?” Kazu wants to know. “The doctors don’t even know what’s wrong with him, he just keeps getting sicker-”
“We’ll help him,” Satoshi says again. “Somehow.”
Kazu takes a breath like he might argue, but then just lets it out on a long sigh.
The sunlight off the water seems to grow brighter, flashing faster and faster, flashing, flashing-
Flash.
Kazu crouches outside the door, outside the circle of light from Sho’s little bedside lamp, hidden in the shadows. Everyone else is still in the room, but Kazu just can’t do it any more. He can’t look down into Sho’s face and see how he’s dying. He can hear Sho start to cough again, hear Masaki murmuring soothing words, and he wants to plug his ears.
After a time, Jun joins him in the hall, sitting down close but not touching. Kazu knows that Jun is the same-he doesn’t like not being able to fix things, he doesn’t like everyone telling him “there’s nothing you can do”.
“Hey,” Jun says after a long stretch of silence. “There’s something…do you want to hear something crazy?”
Kazu just shrugs, but apparently this is encouragement enough.
“The other day,” Jun continues, “I was waiting for the bus, and this man came up to me. I’ve never seen this guy before in my life, but he looks at me and says ‘I can help you’. I asked him what he was talking about and he said he knew about my friend. He said he could see that someone close to me was dying.”
Jun shudders a bit at the memory. Kazu just watches him intently.
“He gave me this,” Jun says, pulling out a business card. “Told me to come to his place if I wanted his help.”
Kazu takes the little piece of stiff paper, reading it quickly. There’s a name in kanji, and a telephone number and address for someplace called “Kitagawa Clinic”.
“A doctor?” Kazu asks.
Jun gives a little shrug. “I guess.”
“We’ve tried doctors,” Kazu reminds him. “Lots of doctors.”
“Wouldn’t hurt to try one more,” Jun says. He’s staring contemplatively at his hands, twisting and untwisting his fingers. “There was something…I don’t think this guy was a regular doctor. I just thought that maybe…”
Kazu is not especially surprised when Satoshi is suddenly kneeling down behind him, reaching around for the card. Jun jumps a little at the intrusion, but both the younger boys wait in expectant silence.
“We should try it,” he says softly. He looks up, straight at Kazu, with the kind of focus he reserves for very important occasions.
And Kazu finds himself nodding slowly, keeping his eyes locked on Satoshi’s.
“Yeah. Let’s try it.”
Flash.
It is pouring down rain. They’ve got Sho under an umbrella, bundled up as best they could manage, while the rest of them form a human barrier around him to keep out as much of the damp as possible.
“You know,” Sho says irritably, muffled by his many layers, “I’m not made of sugar, I’m pretty sure a little rain wouldn’t kill me.”
“It wouldn’t help you, either,” Kazu snaps back.
“Sho’s parents are only going to be gone a couple of hours,” Masaki cuts in. “Jun, where is this place?”
“It should be right around here,” Jun reassures him, scanning the shop fronts through the downpour. “It’s this street, I’m sure-there!”
He points ahead, to a three-story brick building with the words “Kitagawa Clinic” painted on a large sign over the entrance. They hurry across the street and push their way inside, shaking off the rain and looking around as the front doors close behind them.
The waiting room is fairly small and nondescript, white and beige with some watercolor paintings on the walls. The strangest thing is that it is completely empty, but for a receptionist and a man standing by the front desk. He turns to look at them as they enter, and Kazu notes his very nice three-piece suit and the little grin that seems to be a permanent fixture at the corner of his mouth. His eyes fix on Jun with a light of recognition.
“Hello,” Jun says, stepping forward a bit awkwardly. “I, uh. We met the other day, you gave me your card…”
“Yes, I remember,” the man says-Nakai, if Kazu read the name on the card right. He looks them over with that same little smile. “This is a few more visitors than I was expecting.”
“Um. Sorry,” Jun mutters. “Well. This is-this is my friend, the one who-”
Jun cuts himself off, but Nakai doesn’t seem to notice, just watches Sho step forward on weak and unsteady legs. He doesn’t need to say anymore, really. The deep circles under Sho’s eyes, the pale skin, the skeletal limbs tell it well enough. Nakai takes a few steps forward and reaches out to catch Sho’s chin in his hand, staring at him hard. Sho jerks a little at the touch, but clenches his jaw, determined not to look away.
Everyone seems to be holding their breath, filling the cramped space with expectant silence. Kazu feels Satoshi’s hand slide into his own, and he grips back, perhaps a little harder than he needs to. Nakai is still staring and staring at Sho. Then, he tilts his head and his little smile turns to a frown.
“Interesting,” he murmurs. He drops his hand back to his side and, as he does, starts to look over all of them with a new curiosity in his eyes.
“Can you help him?” Masaki says urgently. He reaches out instinctively when Sho wobbles, supporting him.
Nakai’s gaze settles on Masaki, and his mouth twitches back to a grin. “I’ll have to consult with my colleagues,” he says. After another pause he asks: “Would you mind if I ran a few tests?”
Flash.
“We can’t save his body,” Nakai says, and the atmosphere in the room darkens immediately. Masaki, who had gotten his hopes up despite knowing he shouldn’t, gives a strangled little hiccup, but swallows it while blinking rapidly to clear his watery eyes. Sho just gives a kind of resigned sigh. Kazu can hear Jun cursing softly, and beside him, Satoshi stays quiet.
“However,” Nakai continues, “we can save his soul.”
The only response to this statement is dead silence.
“What?” Sho finally says.
“Your soul,” Nakai says again. “As you know very well by now, we do not use traditional medical practices here at the ASD. We have been working on a technology to aid in the transfer of a soul from one body to another. Using it, we can move your soul into a Carrier until we find another body for you.”
“A Carrier…?” Sho echoes faintly.
“Until we find you another body, someone else will have to carry your soul alongside their own. As this can be dangerous for someone without the proper experience, we have a specially trained agent who can assist you.”
After another round of stunned silence, Satoshi speaks up softly.
“Could we have a moment, please?”
Nakai nods and leaves the room.
“This is insane,” Jun says as soon as the door is closed. “I’m sorry, Sho-chan, I really just thought this would be some kind of new-age, homeopathic thing, I didn’t think they would actually talk about removing your soul-”
“What if they can?” Sho interrupts. Everyone is shocked into silence, watching Sho staring at his hands.
“You can’t really believe-” Kazu starts, but Sho cuts him off.
“But what if they can?” he says again. “I mean, probably nothing will come of it. Worst case scenario: I die. And that’s going to happen anyway.”
“Don’t say that,” Jun pleads, but Sho’s eyes catch his, and hold.
“It’s true,” he says quietly. “It’s true. And I’m terrified. If there’s anything, any way…”
“I’ll do it,” Masaki says suddenly, gripping Sho’s arm and turning to look at him. “The Carrier, or whatever it is-I’ll carry you, until…”
Kazu sees the way Sho is looking at Masaki, the way they are looking at each other, and drops his own gaze to the floor. He listens to the rest of the conversation with his eyes on his shoes.
“It could be dangerous,” Sho murmurs. “Nakai-sensei said-”
“I don’t care,” Masaki answers, determined. “I don’t care.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Kazu sees Masaki lean forward, hears the quick intake of breath and the sound of meeting lips, and Jun’s little startled squawk.
He turns away, feeling his own cheeks coloring, to find himself facing Satoshi, who is watching the other two with sharp eyes and a look of intense concentration.
Flash.
The contraption Nakai has prepared for them looks something like a computer, the big processors that Kazu has seen pictures of-ugly and boxy, with lots of odd knobs and lights, and a clunky keyboard on top next to a small, grainy screen. It’s only about the size of a low chest of drawers, and there are two rings on the top that almost look like they came off of an electric stove.
“You’ve arranged everything at home?” Nakai asks Sho again. “Remember, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, you will be dead.”
“I know,” Sho replies with a jerky wave of his hand. “I have. I’m ready.”
Nakai then turns to Masaki. “And you’re sure about this?”
Masaki just nods, gripping Sho’s hand and staring hard at the machine in front of them.
Finally, Nakai turns to Kazu, Satoshi, and Jun, lined up against the wall near the door. “And you three-you’re sure you want to be here for this?”
“Yes,” Kazu snaps, and Jun gives him a quelling look. “Yes,” he says again, softer.
Nakai just shrugs and turns back to the machine.
“I still think this thing is butt-ugly,” says Katori, one of the other four doctors-or agents, as Kazu supposes is the correct term-who has joined them for the transfer. Katori is currently staring at the machine, which Nakai called “The Reader”, with his hands on his hips. The other three agents are spread out around the room in varying states of attentiveness.
“Helpful, Shingo-kun, really,” Nakai says distractedly, from where he is punching buttons on the machine. “Next time I’ll let you paint flowers on it or something.”
“Or I could just-” Kimura begins, but Kusanagi shoots him a warning glance. Kimura snaps his mouth shut and wanders over to where Inagaki is making a detailed inspection of his fingernails.
“I don’t like this,” Jun says, low.
Kazu blows an irritated sigh out through his nose. “It’s a little late for that.”
Jun just shakes his head, and Kazu turns to his other side, to Satoshi. The other boy looks up when he feels Kazu’s gaze on him. He doesn’t speak, but Kazu can see all the nerves, hesitation, and most of all, the hope in his troubled expression. Kazu nods to Satoshi’s unspoken question.
It’ll be all right. It has to be all right.
“Okay,” Nakai says at last, “Sho-kun, here, and Masaki-kun, here, and then your hands on these rings.”
Sho and Masaki both sit, each in a chair next to the Reader, facing each other, expressions tight and backs stiff. Nakai fiddles with some buttons and dials before saying “You may feel a little tingle.”
Almost at the same time, both boys shudder, but keep their hands where they are. Kimura joins Nakai at the Reader, watching over his shoulder. The low rumbling hum that the machine has been emitting goes up an octave, and a light on the console starts blinking.
“Now,” Nakai says urgently, “the transfer is going to start in just a moment. It takes a few minutes for the whole process to finish, but whatever happens, do not take your hands off the rings. In fact, Tsuyoshi-kun, can you stand here with Sho-”
“I’ll do it,” Jun says, stepping forward quickly. He moves around behind Sho, placing his hands on the other boy’s shoulders with a reassuring squeeze. Nakai just nods, and presses one more button with an air of finality.
It is distressingly anticlimactic. There is silence in the room except for the whir of the Reader, and it stretches and stretches, until Kazu feels ready to break. Eventually, he just can’t stand still any longer. He marches forward, pulling Satoshi along with him, and places himself behind Masaki. It’s been all of them in this together from the beginning, and he wants Sho to know that, to see it. Kazu fixes his eyes on Sho’s, and receives a tiny, tense smile in return.
It’s not going to work, Kazu thinks. Nothing’s going to happen.
And then something does.
All of a sudden, Sho’s eyes flutter shut and he slumps over, Jun’s grip on him the only thing keeping him from sliding to the floor. He is completely limp and still, a puppet with its strings cut, and for a moment, they all just stare at each other. Then it hits-Kazu feels it like a punch to the stomach, sickening and painful and startling.
Sho is dead.
Aiba lets out a low, choked cry and lurches forward a bit in his seat, but doesn’t leave it. Kazu and Satoshi both have their hands at his shoulders. They are all waiting, and Nakai must feel the tension in the air.
“Almost,” he murmurs, staring hard at the monitor on the Reader. “Almost, just wait, wait, just-”
The flashing light on the console suddenly stops, and the machine starts emitting a shrill beep. Nakai stares incredulous at the screen.
“No!” he yells at it, giving the box a hard slap. He begins frantically punching something into the keyboard, as he yells to Kusanagi. “Tsuyoshi, get over here-”
But Kusanagi is already there, standing by Sho’s end of the Reader, one hand holding Sho’s wrist and keeping it in place, the other hand poised as if preparing to place it on the ring.
“What? What is it?” Masaki asks, frantic. “What happened to Sho, where is he?”
“It’s fine,” Nakai says, and Kazu gets the distinct impression it is a bold-faced lie. Nakai is sweating visibly, and there is a deep panicked line between his brows.
“It’s fine,” he says again, “I’ve just…Got him!”
The light on the Reader starts flashing again, but only for a moment before Masaki suddenly gasps and jerks upright in his seat.
“Sho-chan,” he murmurs, and then in a very different voice: “Where am I? What-Masaki, what’s happening-” He cuts himself off again, with a pained sound. “Nng, Sho-chan, don’t-I’m right here, you’re fine, you’re fine-”
Before the other boys can do much more than stare, Inagaki is suddenly at Masaki’s side, pulling him gently from his seat and towards the door. Masaki is groaning and holding his head now, still talking in two different voices, and then they’re gone.
“It worked?” Satoshi says hesitantly. Kazu blinks, dazed, and turns to him, but away again almost immediately because there is a clatter and he looks over to see Jun on the floor, cradling Sho’s body. He is silent, rocking a little, and there are tears on his face.
“Dead,” Jun whispers when Kazu and Satoshi crouch down next to him. “After everything, he’s still-”
He cuts himself off when Nakai and Kimura come to stand over them. Nakai’s face is carefully schooled to blankness, but there is a trace of sympathy around Kimura’s eyes.
“Take him home,” Nakai says.
Flash.
It is utterly, utterly bizarre to be at Sho’s funeral, in front of the black draped photo of Sho’s smiling face and the casket holding Sho’s body, when Kazu knows that, for all intents and purposes, Sho is standing right next to him, in Masaki’s body.
They bow to Sho’s parents, murmur their condolences, then escape out the back door as soon as is politely possible. Sho’s house is big enough to have a sizeable garden out back, and Masaki wanders over to the bench under the plum tree to sit down. Kazu follows him but remains standing, staring up at the murky grey sky. He knows Jun and Satoshi are here somewhere, but Jun has been taking the whole thing very hard and Satoshi was always the best at handling him.
“How are you doing?” Kazu asks finally.
Masaki makes a noncommittal grunt, then sighs, running a hand across his forehead. After the transfer, Inagaki helped him, and Sho, to adjust to the whole sharing-a-body thing, so at least they’re not always talking over each other. But the headaches, the dizziness, won’t seem to let up. Kazu sits himself down next to Masaki on the bench.
“Your appetite back yet?”
Masaki shrugs. “A little. I’ve been eating,” he adds defensively, at Kazu’s pointed stare. Then, for a moment, his eyes lose their focus, go distant. “It is enough,” he says, seemingly to himself, but Kazu knows who he’s really talking to.
“Sho-chan?” Kazu asks, feeling a little guilty, knowing it’s hard for them to switch, but he just. He misses Sho, so much. He watches Masaki’s face as it changes-the way he holds his head, just a little different, the set of his jaw, and his eyes. Sho’s eyes, now.
“Nakai said it wouldn’t be long,” Sho says immediately. “He says they’re working on-on building me a new body.”
“Building? Like a robot or something?”
“No-well, I don’t know, really. He didn’t…really say.”
“Be kind of cool, though,” Kazu ventures, earning himself a tiny smile from Sho.
As they lapse back into silence, Kazu looks up to see Jun and Satoshi approaching from around the side of the house, and finds himself really looking at them, for the first time, maybe.
Jun, the youngest, but so much older now. Somehow, in the short time since the transfer, age has settled into the lines of his face, his shoulders, and there is a burning, desperate determination in his eyes that Kazu is a little afraid of.
And Satoshi. Always right there, at Kazu’s side, always within reach. Kazu realizes, suddenly, that he takes this for granted. What would it be like if something happened, like with Sho, what if Satoshi suddenly wasn’t there where Kazu could reach out and touch him? He pushes the thought away, because the yawning void left by that question is too much, too big, to think about.
Flash.
“It’s taking too long,” Kazu says. “Masaki can’t handle it, he’s…I don’t know, it’s like he’s just falling apart.”
“They warned him,” Satoshi points out, but he sounds worried, too. “They said it could be difficult.”
They keep their voices low, secretive, because even up on the roof, even with everyone else asleep, they can’t risk being overheard. It’s been almost two months since the transfer. The summer heat is finally setting in, making the night air heavy and damp. Satoshi shifts a little closer on the tiles, and Kazu notices. He always notices, now.
“Jun wants to Carry him,” Satoshi says after a few moments of silence. “Sho, I mean. He’s afraid something bad will happen to Masaki, and…well, you know Jun. He feels guilty, like it should have been him.”
“Stupid,” Kazu scoffs, but there’s a part of him that feels the same. Guilt, that none of the rest of them even volunteered, that he didn’t do something. “What can he do except fall apart, too? We’ll just have to talk to Nakai and…we’ll figure something out.”
They fall quiet again, listening to the little nighttime sounds-an animal scuttling through the alley, footsteps and laughter a few streets over by the bar, and over all of it the drone of cicadas, so loud Kazu thinks he can feel it in his bones. Like he feels the warmth of Satoshi’s body, only a hairsbreadth away. It’s such a careful distance between them now, ever since Kazu starting thinking about what it would mean to lose it.
“Kazu,” Satoshi says eventually, careful like the space between them. “If something ever happened to you, you know I would-I’d do anything. I’d Carry you, if-”
“Shut up,” Kazu says. He has his knees drawn up to his chest, and he hides his face there. He knows what Satoshi is trying to do, and he wants it, but…But if they close this last bit of distance, if they make that change, it will just be harder, won’t it? If something ever happened to Satoshi, it would be so much harder if Kazu let himself admit how much he cares.
“Kazu,” Satoshi says again, more firmly. He reaches out, tugging at Kazu’s arm, easing him out of his defensive curl, until he has a hand on either side of Kazu’s face. “You have to know this. If something happened and I never told you-”
“It’s better, if you don’t,” Kazu interrupts a little desperately, even though he knows they’ve waded into the deepest part of this already, and going back will be just as hard as going forward. “It won’t hurt as much if you don’t.”
“It would,” Satoshi counters, voice even, inexorable. Kazu reaches up to grasp Satoshi’s wrists, but doesn’t quite get around to pulling him away.
“It won’t help anything.”
Satoshi smiles, a little sadly. “It doesn’t have to.”
“But-”
“I love you,” Satoshi says, before Kazu can protest any further.
Kazu lets out a shaking breath, lets Satoshi pull him in, and gives up that last little distance.
Flash.
Masaki comes to them in tears, shaking and ashen. He feels paper-thin in Kazu’s arms.
“I told him not to, we told him it was too dangerous,” Masaki is babbling, eyes and nose running, making a dark spot on Kazu’s shirt. “And I had to-to leave him there, I didn’t know what to do, the agents are taking care of-of him-but they’re going to-”
“Slow down, slow down,” Kazu tells him, taking the dishcloth Satoshi just handed him and trying to clean up Masaki’s face. “Left who where? What happened? Is it Sho-chan?”
“Jun!” Masaki sobs, gripping Kazu’s shirt as hard as he can. “He took us back to the clinic, made them try another transfer, but something-I don’t know what happened, the machine malfunctioned, or-and then, Jun, he just…”
“What?” Satoshi pushes when Masaki stops, frozen and staring. “What happened to him?”
Masaki turns to Satoshi in a kind of horrified daze. “He’s…gone.”
Flash.
Jun dead, Masaki dying, and Sho stuck somewhere in between unless the Host body Nakai has been promising them is finished soon. Kazu feels like he is wandering through his own life, empty and useless.
People are starting to look at them funny, rumors are popping up, now that two of their friends are gone and the third is mysteriously fading away. Kazu has no answers to their suspicious looks, their veiled questions. Always, now, he feels a boiling helpless rage just under his skin, he doesn’t know how to let it out. And then they are alone, and Satoshi touches him, and he snaps.
He has Satoshi against the wall, devouring his mouth, tearing at his clothes, trying to get closer, closer-he needs to, needs this, something to hold onto.
Kazu doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but Satoshi lets him push and fumble, until they are both sweating and trembling and close to the edge.
“Stay with me,” Kazu begs, without meaning to speak.
“Always,” Satoshi promises. He pulls Kazu even closer. “Always.”
They reach the precipice and fall together.
Flash.
For almost a week, the agents have been keeping Masaki at the clinic. To monitor his condition, they said. Kazu and Satoshi don’t find out that the Host transfer was successful, that it even happened, until they come in to visit Masaki and find Sho waiting for them in the lobby.
At first, Kazu just stares, gripping Satoshi’s arm hard enough to leave bruises. His heart is in his throat, and he knows this can’t be real.
“I see him, too,” Satoshi reassures him, though Kazu hasn’t spoken. That is all the encouragement Kazu needs, and he crosses the rest of the lobby at a dash.
But before Kazu can throw his arms around the other boy, Sho has his hands up, steps back warily, and Kazu halts in confusion.
“Sho-chan, what-you’re here, how…?”
Sho hesitates, his brows furrow. “The Host,” he begins, but can’t seem to find the words. Instead, he holds out a hand for Kazu to take. Kazu does so, gripping it with both his own.
He stares down, sees Sho’s hand in his, the longer, knobby fingers under his own blunt digits. He can see it, but…
“I can’t touch you,” Kazu whispers. Satoshi is beside him now, and glances at him, confused. He reaches out to pick up Sho’s other hand, then gives a little gasp. Like holding air, like holding nothing at all.
“Masaki doesn’t know,” Sho says, with a deep pain in his voice. “He’s still asleep, the transfer was too much, and he-I don’t know what to do.”
Flash.
“It-it must have been the shock,” Kimura says faintly. “He should have started recovering, once the…transfer…” He trails off, just staring down at the hospital bed, at the still form lying in it.
Kazu can’t look away from Masaki’s face. He could be sleeping, really. He looks so much more peaceful now, the pain gone from his face, he almost looks like he did before. Kazu knows there are deep, racking sobs waiting in the pit of his stomach, he can feel them like a weight there, but he holds them in. Not here. Satoshi is crying freely, silent tears that roll endlessly down his cheeks.
Sho is standing across the room, by the window. He keeps pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, hard, then pulling them away to stare at them. In a flash of insight, Kazu understands something-the Host body cannot cry.
Instead, Sho screams.
Flash.
None of them are there when Masaki’s parents come to collect his body. They have already said their goodbyes.
Later, after the funeral, after everything is taken care of, Kazu comes home and sees a policeman on the stoop talking to his mother.
He turns and walks away before anyone can see him approaching.
Flash.
“Run,” Sho says, pleading. “Just get out, before-”
“We won’t leave you here!” Kazu hisses. They shouldn’t even be here, but Sho can’t leave the clinic and risk someone seeing him. “I can Carry you this time, I bet I could figure out how that machine-”
“NO,” Sho almost yells. The anger that is wound up tight with his grief springs to the surface. “No more fucking transfers-no one else is going to die because I was too afraid to!”
Before Kazu can say anything else, there are sounds from upstairs-a door opening, footsteps moving along the hall towards the stairwell.
“Just get out of here,” Sho says again, herding them towards the door. “Get out of town, stay away until everything blows over. The agents, they’ll try and make you stay here, and I just don’t know-”
“We’ll come back for you,” Satoshi promises.
“Don’t,” Sho counters. “Just-I’m going to stay here, as long as it takes, until I can figure out what they do, how they do it. Until I can make sure we’re all together again. All five of us.”
Kazu’s brow knits in confusion. “But how-”
“Go!” Sho says, pushing them through the door. The footsteps are on the stairs now.
They run.
Flash.
Years pass, and they live like shadows, learning to get what they need without leaving any traces. They work odd-jobs for cash, live out of an old car for a while, until it gets towed, then in a tent near a homeless village. Sometimes they send postcards to their families, just to let them know they’re okay, but they always have to move on quickly afterwards, just in case.
Belatedly, Kazu realizes that running just made them look more guilty, but he doesn’t really regret it. Even if he could have managed to keep his head through all the interrogations, to not give anything away, he knows everyone in town would go on thinking he and Satoshi had something to do with the strange deaths of their friends.
Even so, Kazu wants to go back. He knows Satoshi would go with him as soon as he said the word, but he’s afraid, too. Afraid of police waiting for him in his living room, of the agents finding them, of anything that will take away the last piece of his old life that he has to hold onto.
“Right here,” Satoshi whispers to him at night. “I’m right here with you.”
Eventually, enough time goes by that they feel safe returning-quietly, carefully. They visit the local graveyard, only long enough to leave small bundles of flowers by three of the grave-markers.
But when they go to find Sho, there is a flower shop where the clinic used to be.
“Kitagawa Clinic?” says the young shop-keeper. “Never heard of it. You boys not from around here?”
Flash.
Chapter 8
Author's Note: .............um. i just. i don't even. this chapter XD; i don't even know what i think about it anymore, but yeah. the past, revealed! sort of! now i just need to figure out how to transition from this to the ending i have :D;;; anyway, yeah. enjoy?