fic: what she knows [glee, pg]
what she knows
glee
pg | rachel berry | 2k
disclaimer: not mine.
spoilers/warning: asian f
summary: rachel berry is aware of the people around her. she has been since she was little, but they never seem to really take note of her.
n: this was going to be a very different fic but then 'asian f' aired and it just pissed me off. i love rachel and i'm supportive of mercedes but the episode was horrible to both so yeah. this is more of a cathartic fic than anything else.
What She Knows
She's four years old when she first realises she's different, that her family is different. It's after ballet class and her daddies are picking her up. Normally, only one of them does, this day is special. It's her birthday and they're going out to a movie and ice cream later. She's practically bouncing on her toes telling Brittany, the only other girl better than her in class, about it and Brittany's perky ponytail is bobbing as she asks Rachel questions -- what kind of ice cream you gonna get? did you know ice cream is made out snowflakes? strawberry is my favourite, because it has to be made out of pink snowflakes, what's your favourite? -- and Rachel's only half listening because she's looking out of the studio's windows for her daddies' car.
When they pull up she jumps up and rushes out even as her teacher, Madame Bellasario, tells her to wait. Her daddy catches her in his strong arms and her dad presses a kiss to her cheek, grabbing the handles of her pink bag. Over her daddy's shoulders she grins and waves at Brittany, telling her she'll get pink ice cream. Brittany waves and her ponytail seems even perkier.
As Rachel's eyes move from the tiny blonde she catches the look of one of the adult's that is there picking up their kid. It's a woman. She's looking at Rachel's daddies like she sucked on a Sour Patch Kid.
Her eyes make Rachel want to bury her face in her daddy's warm neck. But she doesn't. She meets the woman's gaze and her tiny lips curl downward.
The woman looks away, pulling at her daughter's hand gently, turning to Madame Bellasario. Their faces shift as they talk.
Rachel pokes her daddy's cheek. "Daddy?"
He turns his face to her and noses along her cheek, making her grin. "Yes, sunshine?"
"Who's that woman?" She points carefully over her daddies's shoulder and doesn't think of anything as her dad's hand cover her finger saying something about 'being rude, baby'. She's not being rude! The woman looked at them first, but Rachel can't figure out how to explain it with pouting.
Her daddy shifts her on his hip and looks at between her and the dance studio's window before she can say anything. "Well, Rachel, it looks like that's Rebecca's mom."
Oh. Wait.
"What's a mom, daddy?"
Her daddy and dad share a glance and then her dad's hand reaches up and smoothes over her hair. "Well, sunshine, a mom is parent. If me or your daddy was a woman we would be your mom."
"Oh!" That makes sense.
But there's something still itching at Rachel about how the woman -- Rebacca's mom -- looked at them.
"Daddy, why did she look at us like that?"
Her daddy's shoulder get hard under her cheek. Her dad's eyes get all dark. He looks over back to the studio.
"What do you mean, baby?"
Rachel shrugs, settling as her daddy puts her in her seat. "She looked angry, but not really."
Her dads share another look and her daddy looks back over his shoulder as her dad buckles her in. The seatbelt itches at her neck. She scratches at it. Her dad presses a kiss to her forehead.
"She was jealous, baby, that you dance better than Rebecca," her dad says.
"Hiriam," her daddy scolds.
Rachel laughs.
They get in the car and they take her for to the movies and for ice-cream but at the next dance class Rebecca pulls Brittany away from Rachel when picking partners, whispering in the blonde's ears, and Rachel never gets invited to parties after that. The first time she cries, and the second time too when all the girls pile up in Suzie's mom SUV leaving Rachel alone waiting for her dad, but the third time she just turns up her nose and tells everybody that she doesn't care because she's going to go see a real ballet with her daddies and pretends not to listen to the snickers.
It hurts her dads, how alone she seems. When she was little she knows they blamed themselves a little and she remembers listening to them argue when she told them she didn't want at Bat Miztvah party. Her dad hounded her for weeks about it. Asking and asking and asking, "Sunshine, are you sure?"
She was.
She knew that Noah Puckerman's Bar Miztvah had been a big deal in the eighth grade gossip circle for a whole week because he had stolen a bottle of booze, Finn Hudson threw up, and Santana and Brittany had made out. Rachel had only gone to the bit at the temple because Noah's mother was one of the few parents in Lima that actually invited Rachel and her dads to things.
Not a lot of the school kids had gone to the temple and when it was over those kids began heading over to the JCC where Mrs. Puckerman had rented out the rec room.
She remembers how the woman had walked up to Rachel and asked her if she was coming along. Rachel looked around the woman's side to where Noah was scowling -- so mad ever since his dad had left -- standing next to his too tall best friend and a couple of giggling girls. They looked over to where Rachel was and she felt as if their giggling got louder. Rachel's back went up and she had said, "No thank you, Mrs. Puckerman."
When it came times for her she had already known then: nobody woud go. But for that second that she heard her dad arguing with her daddy about how it wasn't healthy for her to be so alone and that he would have a talk with the school Rachel had wanted to rush downstairs and tell him that yes, she'd have the stupid party, but then her daddy cut in and calmed her dad down and for her Bat Miztvah Rachel's grandmother -- her daddy's grandmother -- came into town, along with her dad's sister and brother. They were, as far as Rachel knew, the only members of her dads' families they were still in touch with.
The party is small and in her house and she watches Funny Girl while opening presents.
It's not her dads faults, she knows. And she never blames them for how some people in school or in town treat her, because she knows it's not just because of her dads. Sometimes it's because of her. She doesn't really get why because she doesn't know what she's does that makes everyone treat her so bad.
She has dreams, she has great parents and she doesn't understand why that makes so many people mad.
Kurt doesn't really come out because he's never been in. It's not like he's hiding so when Mercedes calls him her boyfriend in sophomore year Rachel shares a look with Tina and swallows. When Mercedes off-handedly mentions that Kurt might have said something about the boyfriend situation Rachel nods.
Rachel isn't surprised. Her gaydar is honed, but she's glad for Kurt.
He continues on and he's amazing. When they become friends, real friends and not just the glee teammates they pretend to be, she lets him know just how much.
Santana isn't coming out. It isn't an ease of understanding like it was with Kurt. It happens in a flash when she's picking up a book she drops taking it out of her locker. When she looks up she sees Santana's fingers curve over Brittany's wrist. It should be nothing. She's seen the two girls hold hands, pinkies, and has heard the rumours. It's not as if it's a big secret the two girls get together. But Brittany is dating Artie and she knows about Santana and Puck, not to mention Santana and Finn, but that makes Rachel's chest hurt so she rather not dwell there.
Both girls hook up with each other, but they've hooked up and dated guys before. Everyone in the school wonders a little, but they're both Cheerios and that outfit is like an armour against all the rest of the school.
Rachel's wondered too, but it's usually just a vague thought when Puck mentions something about threesomes and wine coolers.
Santana touching Brittany isn't anything that should make Rachel wonder, because both girls touch each other all the time. Sometimes Rachel is jealous for that closeness.
Yet this time that little move makes her pause. It's just that it's oh so subtle and not like Santana's usually brazen gestures. Rachel follows the line of Santana's arm up to her face and she breathes in at the look there.
She knows that look, her daddy looks at her dad like that all the time and vice versa. That soft look that just means everything.
Rachel's never had anyone look at her like that. Finn hasn't -- never will something inside tells her that she has to, has to, ignore, and she thinks Puck did once, but it wasn't quite there. She can't let herself think about that either; not yet. Maybe one day.
Santana is giving that look to Brittany and everything kinda clicks in Rachel's' mind.
There's this urge to go up to the girl and say something, she's not sure what, but something. Kurt gets unconditional support from everybody in his life, but Rachel thinks about Mr. Schue's current banishment of Santana and how at Regionals Santana once said she loves Glee. How the other girl seems in a constant battle with the world and Rachel's reminded of the conversations her dads had she was never supposed to listen in to when she was little.
But it's Santana. That thought stops Rachel from moving, because she knows her words aren't the ones Santana wants.
Mercedes would have been an amazing Anita and the reason Artie, Coach Bestie, and Ms. Pillsbury don't pick her is because they are too scared to choose.
Double booking them is the coward's way out but she's not going to say no to Maria.
She wants to tell Mercedes she shouldn't say no either, but she can't because she's feeling the same anger Mercedes is. It's not fair the others can't choose and expect the two of them to. She just--she can't say no to Maria. She just can't.
When Mercedes walks away Rachel doesn't fault her but she feels the hit of each word the girl says in her chest. And when she sees her name on that sheet she wants to rip the paper down and throw up.
In the club everyone smiles at each other, and says that she's perfect for the rolem but they all talk about Mercedes should be there to and look at Rachel like it's somehow her fault. She didn't leave this time. She didn't make them choose. Mercedes chose for herself and they're blaming Rachel for the other girl's choice.
There are so many words she wants to say but she knows they don't really listen to her when she talks. They never really have. Unless she's saying what they want to hear.
Rachel knows that all the obstacles in the world won't stop her from reaching her dream. She can stand the Glee club because in the end they're a stepping stone. A place to hone her talent. She has idle fantasies of the club one day changing and becoming the friends she wishes she wanted all her life, but she's not naive anymore. Maybe once she could have believed it, that they could all look past everything, but it isn't the case.
The club needs each other but that need is born out of necessity and not want or trust.
She's learned that now she just has to survive the club. Not fix it or better it; just survive it.
She dreams of New York and decides she'll find a way there, alone if it need be. Plan A: Kurt and NYATA, is still what she hopes will happen, but she has a folder with backups. She has to. Everything she's achieved she's done it by being prepared and if nobody is going to be on her side she's going to make her side the strongest.
Everybody always tells her she's singleminded. Only they say it in meaner words and somedays she believes those words.
But mostly, she understands why they say what they do.
They're right. She is singleminded. She's going to go for her dreams and they all can tell her what they think in all their mean words, but she knows:
She's Rachel Berry and she's going to make it.
And one day when they ask her how she got to where she is -- Broadway, bright lights, New York City -- she's going to say:
because I knew I'd never give up no matter what.
glee
pg | rachel berry | 2k
disclaimer: not mine.
spoilers/warning: asian f
summary: rachel berry is aware of the people around her. she has been since she was little, but they never seem to really take note of her.
n: this was going to be a very different fic but then 'asian f' aired and it just pissed me off. i love rachel and i'm supportive of mercedes but the episode was horrible to both so yeah. this is more of a cathartic fic than anything else.
What She Knows
She's four years old when she first realises she's different, that her family is different. It's after ballet class and her daddies are picking her up. Normally, only one of them does, this day is special. It's her birthday and they're going out to a movie and ice cream later. She's practically bouncing on her toes telling Brittany, the only other girl better than her in class, about it and Brittany's perky ponytail is bobbing as she asks Rachel questions -- what kind of ice cream you gonna get? did you know ice cream is made out snowflakes? strawberry is my favourite, because it has to be made out of pink snowflakes, what's your favourite? -- and Rachel's only half listening because she's looking out of the studio's windows for her daddies' car.
When they pull up she jumps up and rushes out even as her teacher, Madame Bellasario, tells her to wait. Her daddy catches her in his strong arms and her dad presses a kiss to her cheek, grabbing the handles of her pink bag. Over her daddy's shoulders she grins and waves at Brittany, telling her she'll get pink ice cream. Brittany waves and her ponytail seems even perkier.
As Rachel's eyes move from the tiny blonde she catches the look of one of the adult's that is there picking up their kid. It's a woman. She's looking at Rachel's daddies like she sucked on a Sour Patch Kid.
Her eyes make Rachel want to bury her face in her daddy's warm neck. But she doesn't. She meets the woman's gaze and her tiny lips curl downward.
The woman looks away, pulling at her daughter's hand gently, turning to Madame Bellasario. Their faces shift as they talk.
Rachel pokes her daddy's cheek. "Daddy?"
He turns his face to her and noses along her cheek, making her grin. "Yes, sunshine?"
"Who's that woman?" She points carefully over her daddies's shoulder and doesn't think of anything as her dad's hand cover her finger saying something about 'being rude, baby'. She's not being rude! The woman looked at them first, but Rachel can't figure out how to explain it with pouting.
Her daddy shifts her on his hip and looks at between her and the dance studio's window before she can say anything. "Well, Rachel, it looks like that's Rebecca's mom."
Oh. Wait.
"What's a mom, daddy?"
Her daddy and dad share a glance and then her dad's hand reaches up and smoothes over her hair. "Well, sunshine, a mom is parent. If me or your daddy was a woman we would be your mom."
"Oh!" That makes sense.
But there's something still itching at Rachel about how the woman -- Rebacca's mom -- looked at them.
"Daddy, why did she look at us like that?"
Her daddy's shoulder get hard under her cheek. Her dad's eyes get all dark. He looks over back to the studio.
"What do you mean, baby?"
Rachel shrugs, settling as her daddy puts her in her seat. "She looked angry, but not really."
Her dads share another look and her daddy looks back over his shoulder as her dad buckles her in. The seatbelt itches at her neck. She scratches at it. Her dad presses a kiss to her forehead.
"She was jealous, baby, that you dance better than Rebecca," her dad says.
"Hiriam," her daddy scolds.
Rachel laughs.
They get in the car and they take her for to the movies and for ice-cream but at the next dance class Rebecca pulls Brittany away from Rachel when picking partners, whispering in the blonde's ears, and Rachel never gets invited to parties after that. The first time she cries, and the second time too when all the girls pile up in Suzie's mom SUV leaving Rachel alone waiting for her dad, but the third time she just turns up her nose and tells everybody that she doesn't care because she's going to go see a real ballet with her daddies and pretends not to listen to the snickers.
It hurts her dads, how alone she seems. When she was little she knows they blamed themselves a little and she remembers listening to them argue when she told them she didn't want at Bat Miztvah party. Her dad hounded her for weeks about it. Asking and asking and asking, "Sunshine, are you sure?"
She was.
She knew that Noah Puckerman's Bar Miztvah had been a big deal in the eighth grade gossip circle for a whole week because he had stolen a bottle of booze, Finn Hudson threw up, and Santana and Brittany had made out. Rachel had only gone to the bit at the temple because Noah's mother was one of the few parents in Lima that actually invited Rachel and her dads to things.
Not a lot of the school kids had gone to the temple and when it was over those kids began heading over to the JCC where Mrs. Puckerman had rented out the rec room.
She remembers how the woman had walked up to Rachel and asked her if she was coming along. Rachel looked around the woman's side to where Noah was scowling -- so mad ever since his dad had left -- standing next to his too tall best friend and a couple of giggling girls. They looked over to where Rachel was and she felt as if their giggling got louder. Rachel's back went up and she had said, "No thank you, Mrs. Puckerman."
When it came times for her she had already known then: nobody woud go. But for that second that she heard her dad arguing with her daddy about how it wasn't healthy for her to be so alone and that he would have a talk with the school Rachel had wanted to rush downstairs and tell him that yes, she'd have the stupid party, but then her daddy cut in and calmed her dad down and for her Bat Miztvah Rachel's grandmother -- her daddy's grandmother -- came into town, along with her dad's sister and brother. They were, as far as Rachel knew, the only members of her dads' families they were still in touch with.
The party is small and in her house and she watches Funny Girl while opening presents.
It's not her dads faults, she knows. And she never blames them for how some people in school or in town treat her, because she knows it's not just because of her dads. Sometimes it's because of her. She doesn't really get why because she doesn't know what she's does that makes everyone treat her so bad.
She has dreams, she has great parents and she doesn't understand why that makes so many people mad.
Kurt doesn't really come out because he's never been in. It's not like he's hiding so when Mercedes calls him her boyfriend in sophomore year Rachel shares a look with Tina and swallows. When Mercedes off-handedly mentions that Kurt might have said something about the boyfriend situation Rachel nods.
Rachel isn't surprised. Her gaydar is honed, but she's glad for Kurt.
He continues on and he's amazing. When they become friends, real friends and not just the glee teammates they pretend to be, she lets him know just how much.
Santana isn't coming out. It isn't an ease of understanding like it was with Kurt. It happens in a flash when she's picking up a book she drops taking it out of her locker. When she looks up she sees Santana's fingers curve over Brittany's wrist. It should be nothing. She's seen the two girls hold hands, pinkies, and has heard the rumours. It's not as if it's a big secret the two girls get together. But Brittany is dating Artie and she knows about Santana and Puck, not to mention Santana and Finn, but that makes Rachel's chest hurt so she rather not dwell there.
Both girls hook up with each other, but they've hooked up and dated guys before. Everyone in the school wonders a little, but they're both Cheerios and that outfit is like an armour against all the rest of the school.
Rachel's wondered too, but it's usually just a vague thought when Puck mentions something about threesomes and wine coolers.
Santana touching Brittany isn't anything that should make Rachel wonder, because both girls touch each other all the time. Sometimes Rachel is jealous for that closeness.
Yet this time that little move makes her pause. It's just that it's oh so subtle and not like Santana's usually brazen gestures. Rachel follows the line of Santana's arm up to her face and she breathes in at the look there.
She knows that look, her daddy looks at her dad like that all the time and vice versa. That soft look that just means everything.
Rachel's never had anyone look at her like that. Finn hasn't -- never will something inside tells her that she has to, has to, ignore, and she thinks Puck did once, but it wasn't quite there. She can't let herself think about that either; not yet. Maybe one day.
Santana is giving that look to Brittany and everything kinda clicks in Rachel's' mind.
There's this urge to go up to the girl and say something, she's not sure what, but something. Kurt gets unconditional support from everybody in his life, but Rachel thinks about Mr. Schue's current banishment of Santana and how at Regionals Santana once said she loves Glee. How the other girl seems in a constant battle with the world and Rachel's reminded of the conversations her dads had she was never supposed to listen in to when she was little.
But it's Santana. That thought stops Rachel from moving, because she knows her words aren't the ones Santana wants.
Mercedes would have been an amazing Anita and the reason Artie, Coach Bestie, and Ms. Pillsbury don't pick her is because they are too scared to choose.
Double booking them is the coward's way out but she's not going to say no to Maria.
She wants to tell Mercedes she shouldn't say no either, but she can't because she's feeling the same anger Mercedes is. It's not fair the others can't choose and expect the two of them to. She just--she can't say no to Maria. She just can't.
When Mercedes walks away Rachel doesn't fault her but she feels the hit of each word the girl says in her chest. And when she sees her name on that sheet she wants to rip the paper down and throw up.
In the club everyone smiles at each other, and says that she's perfect for the rolem but they all talk about Mercedes should be there to and look at Rachel like it's somehow her fault. She didn't leave this time. She didn't make them choose. Mercedes chose for herself and they're blaming Rachel for the other girl's choice.
There are so many words she wants to say but she knows they don't really listen to her when she talks. They never really have. Unless she's saying what they want to hear.
Rachel knows that all the obstacles in the world won't stop her from reaching her dream. She can stand the Glee club because in the end they're a stepping stone. A place to hone her talent. She has idle fantasies of the club one day changing and becoming the friends she wishes she wanted all her life, but she's not naive anymore. Maybe once she could have believed it, that they could all look past everything, but it isn't the case.
The club needs each other but that need is born out of necessity and not want or trust.
She's learned that now she just has to survive the club. Not fix it or better it; just survive it.
She dreams of New York and decides she'll find a way there, alone if it need be. Plan A: Kurt and NYATA, is still what she hopes will happen, but she has a folder with backups. She has to. Everything she's achieved she's done it by being prepared and if nobody is going to be on her side she's going to make her side the strongest.
Everybody always tells her she's singleminded. Only they say it in meaner words and somedays she believes those words.
But mostly, she understands why they say what they do.
They're right. She is singleminded. She's going to go for her dreams and they all can tell her what they think in all their mean words, but she knows:
She's Rachel Berry and she's going to make it.
And one day when they ask her how she got to where she is -- Broadway, bright lights, New York City -- she's going to say:
because I knew I'd never give up no matter what.