So, I've been contemplating things lately.
I've been on Paxil going on like 5 years or so. As a few people know, I sometimes completely fuck up and forget to take it in the morning, or run out and have to wait to get my refill. Basically, I'm a flake and screw myself.
Well, usually, within two days, I start feeling some pretty decent withdrawal symptoms. My body starts twitching, I feel (excuse me as I fall into my Star Trek mindframe) out of phase. It's like my body kind of detaches from this reality and then instantly snaps back. It's an AWFUL feeling. And it happens about every ten or so minutes if I let it go too long. I feel mildly nauseous most of the time. I get these dull headaches that just don't go away. Sometimes I feel these stabbing pains in my temples and behind my eyes, again that last only a second or so than disappear.
I took my second to last one today. I have one more left, and I'm just hoping Costco got my refill done or will have it done by tomorrow. The headache is still present, but definitely going away. The nausau was gone a couple of hours after I took the pill, as was the "out of phase" feeling (that can also be described as feeling like my skin comes away from the rest of my body then crashes right back. Have you gotten the idea that this sucks?)
I've dealt with depression since I was a kid. In highschool a psychiatrist put me on what my mom was taking (and still takes) and within about three or four days I flushed what I hadn't taken. It was either that or I would have taken the whole bottle. The first time I can honestly say I felt suicidal. I've only had one other period of my life like that, and it's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced IN MY LIFE.
In any case, I hate being on this drug. I forget it usually a few times a month, and if I miss one day, I almost always forget a second day. One of the reasons I don't want to take birth control (besides not needing it for what it was originally needed) is because I FORGET DAYS, and that kind makes the whole thing worthless. I hate feeling dependent on a little white pill to keep me sane, which it does, and I won't deny that in anyway. If any of you had met me prior to a few years ago, you wouldn't recognize me. Seriously.
I really want to get off of it. But, I'm terrified to. This is actually like the third time I've taken Paxil for any length of time, and by far the longest period. I works wonders for me. I feel human. I don't feel dead inside. I feel like most of the time there is something to live for. Trust me, that's a huge step up from where I used to be. And I know it's real, and I'm scared of losing that feeling if I were to go off of it.
Then there's the withdrawal. Finally having internet access at home, I have done some searches on the topic of paxil withdrawal. I've found a few communities for people who are trying to get off of it. l read what they are going through physically, and the fear multiplies almost exponentially. When I first found this one site, I read the withdrawals can last two to EIGHT weeks. Then tonight I looked around more, and found people still dealing with some of the symptoms months later, some more than a year. Yeah, that sounds fucking great.
I talked to my dad about it. He doesn't want me to. He understands where I'm coming from. But he's also witnessed what it did for me in the first place. Plus we all watched my mother become someone I had never met before she got on the right meds for her own depression. I still get teary eyed when I think what life would have been like had the woman I now know had been around before I was a teenager. I can't even imagine.
I'm not going to quit the Paxil. I really want to. I don't want to have to be on the medication for the rest of my life. It sucks. And recently I've seen some things about how it's been discovered there's a possible link between Paxil and some birth defects of babies whose mothers took it while pregnant. What do I do if and when I ever get pregnant? I can't just quit the shit. I have to wean myself. I take 40mgs of the shit daily. Some of the people I've read about go down about 2.5mgs at a time, stepping down every three to four weeks. That would take more than a year to wean off at that rate. Yeah, no thank you.
My mother is going to be on hers the rest of her life. She knows this, we all know this. It's all good. But, christ, I'm THIRTYONE! I can't fathom "for the rest of my life". And I don't really want to. But I can't stop taking this shit. I don't want to do it to those I love, my family and close friends. I honestly believe that without the Paxil, I wouldn't be the person I'm supposed to be, the one most of you know (and hopefully love :P ) I wouldn't be dead. At least not by my hand. Due to a family member who killed himself (on my fucking birthday!) I know what suicide does to those around you. I could never do that to my parents, no matter how much I thought they would be better off without me.
So, anyway, I've blabbered enough. Another thing that happens when I go off my meds? I get a little emotional, which usually leads to my thinking about shit, which then often leads to writing out a lot of nonsense (which I hope this wasn't). But I needed to put this out. I'm really torn about this stuff. I know it's good for me, but I hate it. And what is it doing to my body? I don't know. I know what the smoking and drinking does, what the driving like a maniac does, what not exercising does, etc etc etc. But what is this stuff doing to me? I what it has done to my head, to my soul, to my being, but to my body I have no idea. But obviously something considering what I've been feeling the last couple of days.
Well, it's nearly midnight, and I have to get up at like 6 in the morning to go to the city with Dad and Aunt Karen. Of course, now that my bro got home (I'm at his house, duh) I'm going to be forced to watch The Shield since I'm sleeping in the living room. But I'll live. Provided he doesn't kill me for making too much noise while he's watching his show. :)
Well, usually, within two days, I start feeling some pretty decent withdrawal symptoms. My body starts twitching, I feel (excuse me as I fall into my Star Trek mindframe) out of phase. It's like my body kind of detaches from this reality and then instantly snaps back. It's an AWFUL feeling. And it happens about every ten or so minutes if I let it go too long. I feel mildly nauseous most of the time. I get these dull headaches that just don't go away. Sometimes I feel these stabbing pains in my temples and behind my eyes, again that last only a second or so than disappear.
I took my second to last one today. I have one more left, and I'm just hoping Costco got my refill done or will have it done by tomorrow. The headache is still present, but definitely going away. The nausau was gone a couple of hours after I took the pill, as was the "out of phase" feeling (that can also be described as feeling like my skin comes away from the rest of my body then crashes right back. Have you gotten the idea that this sucks?)
I've dealt with depression since I was a kid. In highschool a psychiatrist put me on what my mom was taking (and still takes) and within about three or four days I flushed what I hadn't taken. It was either that or I would have taken the whole bottle. The first time I can honestly say I felt suicidal. I've only had one other period of my life like that, and it's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced IN MY LIFE.
In any case, I hate being on this drug. I forget it usually a few times a month, and if I miss one day, I almost always forget a second day. One of the reasons I don't want to take birth control (besides not needing it for what it was originally needed) is because I FORGET DAYS, and that kind makes the whole thing worthless. I hate feeling dependent on a little white pill to keep me sane, which it does, and I won't deny that in anyway. If any of you had met me prior to a few years ago, you wouldn't recognize me. Seriously.
I really want to get off of it. But, I'm terrified to. This is actually like the third time I've taken Paxil for any length of time, and by far the longest period. I works wonders for me. I feel human. I don't feel dead inside. I feel like most of the time there is something to live for. Trust me, that's a huge step up from where I used to be. And I know it's real, and I'm scared of losing that feeling if I were to go off of it.
Then there's the withdrawal. Finally having internet access at home, I have done some searches on the topic of paxil withdrawal. I've found a few communities for people who are trying to get off of it. l read what they are going through physically, and the fear multiplies almost exponentially. When I first found this one site, I read the withdrawals can last two to EIGHT weeks. Then tonight I looked around more, and found people still dealing with some of the symptoms months later, some more than a year. Yeah, that sounds fucking great.
I talked to my dad about it. He doesn't want me to. He understands where I'm coming from. But he's also witnessed what it did for me in the first place. Plus we all watched my mother become someone I had never met before she got on the right meds for her own depression. I still get teary eyed when I think what life would have been like had the woman I now know had been around before I was a teenager. I can't even imagine.
I'm not going to quit the Paxil. I really want to. I don't want to have to be on the medication for the rest of my life. It sucks. And recently I've seen some things about how it's been discovered there's a possible link between Paxil and some birth defects of babies whose mothers took it while pregnant. What do I do if and when I ever get pregnant? I can't just quit the shit. I have to wean myself. I take 40mgs of the shit daily. Some of the people I've read about go down about 2.5mgs at a time, stepping down every three to four weeks. That would take more than a year to wean off at that rate. Yeah, no thank you.
My mother is going to be on hers the rest of her life. She knows this, we all know this. It's all good. But, christ, I'm THIRTYONE! I can't fathom "for the rest of my life". And I don't really want to. But I can't stop taking this shit. I don't want to do it to those I love, my family and close friends. I honestly believe that without the Paxil, I wouldn't be the person I'm supposed to be, the one most of you know (and hopefully love :P ) I wouldn't be dead. At least not by my hand. Due to a family member who killed himself (on my fucking birthday!) I know what suicide does to those around you. I could never do that to my parents, no matter how much I thought they would be better off without me.
So, anyway, I've blabbered enough. Another thing that happens when I go off my meds? I get a little emotional, which usually leads to my thinking about shit, which then often leads to writing out a lot of nonsense (which I hope this wasn't). But I needed to put this out. I'm really torn about this stuff. I know it's good for me, but I hate it. And what is it doing to my body? I don't know. I know what the smoking and drinking does, what the driving like a maniac does, what not exercising does, etc etc etc. But what is this stuff doing to me? I what it has done to my head, to my soul, to my being, but to my body I have no idea. But obviously something considering what I've been feeling the last couple of days.
Well, it's nearly midnight, and I have to get up at like 6 in the morning to go to the city with Dad and Aunt Karen. Of course, now that my bro got home (I'm at his house, duh) I'm going to be forced to watch The Shield since I'm sleeping in the living room. But I'll live. Provided he doesn't kill me for making too much noise while he's watching his show. :)