The first hurdle in what is likely to be a very long marathon
Like, a life long marathon.
I'm going to refer to this as the first hurdle because, well, it's the first time I've felt like maybe I'm not quite as all right as I wish I were. Not quite as all right as I thought I was. I'm having to remind myself that this isn't going to go away, that it's going to be a struggle I deal with for the rest of my life whether I want to or not.
I'm experiencing an overwhelming apathy about pretty much everything the last few days. School, my future, my writing, music, doing laundry and all of the other little things I should be doing. Like finding a job or sleeping regularly or even thinking at times. I've hit a wall that I knew was coming, and I really hate it.
Up until yesterday, I'd been house sitting and dog sitting for my aunt (who was out of town doing the same thing for a friend, funnily enough). I had internet, thank goodness, and television. I was on my own. And I was enjoying myself for the most part. I had my own space, if only temporarily, and I could pretend that I was back on my own to a small degree. Problem is, in the last week, I'd come to realize I'm not ready for that yet.
I'm not ready to be on my own, living by myself. My motivation almost completely disappeared about a week ago. I've had to force myself to write, to read, to go to bed before four in the morning. I never even cracked my bio text or notes in a week. I sat at the table in the living room half watching television and net surfing pointless sites. I wasn't depressed, and I'm not even that depressed right now. There was good stuff that happened even: Fuzzy's second birthday, a bridge possibly being rebuilt to some degree with someone I went crazy with, and I'm sure there were other little things in there.
But right now? Right now all I want to do is hide out and pretend that I can ignore everything going on. I want to hide out from the fact that I need to get a job in this itty-bitty town/county, from the fact that I've already applied to a bunch of places and haven't heard back from them, from the fact that I'm still living off my parents when I shouldn't be anymore and they could be using that money for better things than paying their fucked up daughter's bills. I want to hide from the fact that I'm going to have to go back into retail to make money, hide from the fact that I really just don't want to work. I don't WANT to work. I want to sit at home doing nothing but watching television and reading and writing and piddling around doing absolutely fucking nothing.
Even though I know I don't really want to do that. I want to be productive in some way, I want to have a life of my own. But right now, I'm back to not really being sure how to go about that. I'm butting my head against that wall, expecting the right answer to all my questions instead of focusing on ANY answer. I'm expecting everything to be easy like it's usually been in my life, and that I'm learning might have been more luck than just things being easy for me. I've never had to apply for more than a couple jobs before getting one. I've never had to work hard to feel happy and productive.
Then again, I've also learned that maybe, just maybe, I was lying to myself about feeling happy and productive in the past. That I was lying to so many people, including myself, about what I really want and who I really am. And right now, that's what I need to be focusing on I think. Or at least reminding myself of. All of this struggle is to be who I am, about being true to whatever I'm supposed to be, and making sure that who I'm supposed to be is what I want to be.
I don't want to turn 36 and still be living off my parents. I don't want to become an aunt for the second time without having made some real strides towards independence. I want to be able to afford to buy my own gas, or at least pay my own bills. I want to make sure I'm not pretending to be something just because I think that's what people will find interesting or worthy.
And right now, I think I'm having a hard time with remembering that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Sitting on my ass eating and watching television all day isn't going to help me with that. Getting out and earning my own income will. Going out and having some fun will.
This Thursday I'm going to a concert. And I'm relying on having fun. Maybe not the fun I used to, and I'm nervous about it for reasons that go beyond just being in a tight crowd and fighting with my slight case of agoraphobia I've developed over the last couple of years. (There will be a couple of drinks had, the cheaper the better.) And I will be doing some homework tonight and tomorrow. Getting into bed before 3 in the morning. Figure out what I'm wearing, how I'm doing my hair, and how I'm doing my make-up, feed that girly-girl part of me.
And then I'm going to keep working on whatever it is that's messing with my head and life. And try and finish one of my fics, and so on and so forth. Maybe even go do some more applications, suck it up and try for a piddly job at Kmart, no matter how much I think that might screw up my sense of self worth. I need to focus on how paying my own way to some degree will help my sense of self worth even more.
Now, I must away. It's dinner time (I think), and NCIS starts in about a half hour. If you've read this far, thank you very much :)
I'm going to refer to this as the first hurdle because, well, it's the first time I've felt like maybe I'm not quite as all right as I wish I were. Not quite as all right as I thought I was. I'm having to remind myself that this isn't going to go away, that it's going to be a struggle I deal with for the rest of my life whether I want to or not.
I'm experiencing an overwhelming apathy about pretty much everything the last few days. School, my future, my writing, music, doing laundry and all of the other little things I should be doing. Like finding a job or sleeping regularly or even thinking at times. I've hit a wall that I knew was coming, and I really hate it.
Up until yesterday, I'd been house sitting and dog sitting for my aunt (who was out of town doing the same thing for a friend, funnily enough). I had internet, thank goodness, and television. I was on my own. And I was enjoying myself for the most part. I had my own space, if only temporarily, and I could pretend that I was back on my own to a small degree. Problem is, in the last week, I'd come to realize I'm not ready for that yet.
I'm not ready to be on my own, living by myself. My motivation almost completely disappeared about a week ago. I've had to force myself to write, to read, to go to bed before four in the morning. I never even cracked my bio text or notes in a week. I sat at the table in the living room half watching television and net surfing pointless sites. I wasn't depressed, and I'm not even that depressed right now. There was good stuff that happened even: Fuzzy's second birthday, a bridge possibly being rebuilt to some degree with someone I went crazy with, and I'm sure there were other little things in there.
But right now? Right now all I want to do is hide out and pretend that I can ignore everything going on. I want to hide out from the fact that I need to get a job in this itty-bitty town/county, from the fact that I've already applied to a bunch of places and haven't heard back from them, from the fact that I'm still living off my parents when I shouldn't be anymore and they could be using that money for better things than paying their fucked up daughter's bills. I want to hide from the fact that I'm going to have to go back into retail to make money, hide from the fact that I really just don't want to work. I don't WANT to work. I want to sit at home doing nothing but watching television and reading and writing and piddling around doing absolutely fucking nothing.
Even though I know I don't really want to do that. I want to be productive in some way, I want to have a life of my own. But right now, I'm back to not really being sure how to go about that. I'm butting my head against that wall, expecting the right answer to all my questions instead of focusing on ANY answer. I'm expecting everything to be easy like it's usually been in my life, and that I'm learning might have been more luck than just things being easy for me. I've never had to apply for more than a couple jobs before getting one. I've never had to work hard to feel happy and productive.
Then again, I've also learned that maybe, just maybe, I was lying to myself about feeling happy and productive in the past. That I was lying to so many people, including myself, about what I really want and who I really am. And right now, that's what I need to be focusing on I think. Or at least reminding myself of. All of this struggle is to be who I am, about being true to whatever I'm supposed to be, and making sure that who I'm supposed to be is what I want to be.
I don't want to turn 36 and still be living off my parents. I don't want to become an aunt for the second time without having made some real strides towards independence. I want to be able to afford to buy my own gas, or at least pay my own bills. I want to make sure I'm not pretending to be something just because I think that's what people will find interesting or worthy.
And right now, I think I'm having a hard time with remembering that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Sitting on my ass eating and watching television all day isn't going to help me with that. Getting out and earning my own income will. Going out and having some fun will.
This Thursday I'm going to a concert. And I'm relying on having fun. Maybe not the fun I used to, and I'm nervous about it for reasons that go beyond just being in a tight crowd and fighting with my slight case of agoraphobia I've developed over the last couple of years. (There will be a couple of drinks had, the cheaper the better.) And I will be doing some homework tonight and tomorrow. Getting into bed before 3 in the morning. Figure out what I'm wearing, how I'm doing my hair, and how I'm doing my make-up, feed that girly-girl part of me.
And then I'm going to keep working on whatever it is that's messing with my head and life. And try and finish one of my fics, and so on and so forth. Maybe even go do some more applications, suck it up and try for a piddly job at Kmart, no matter how much I think that might screw up my sense of self worth. I need to focus on how paying my own way to some degree will help my sense of self worth even more.
Now, I must away. It's dinner time (I think), and NCIS starts in about a half hour. If you've read this far, thank you very much :)