Okay, so...
I can't decide if I've bitten off more than I should have. Or is healthy.
My friend, D, a drug addict and alcoholic and all-around messed up girl, who of course because of my own problems I can relate to probably TOO much, has hit a head. And since I'm house sitting for the next couple of weeks at my aunt's house, I offered for her to come up for a couple of weeks to get her the hell out of a dangerous and unhealthy situation, at least for the time being. Come up, relax, we can do some talking, I can attempt to help her figure out what to do afterwards, etc. Except now, I can't help but wonder if maybe I shouldn't have done that. Am I just delaying the losing her completely to her dysfunction? Because I can't do more than the above, and I'm worried what will happen at the end of my aunt's trip.
And I know my parents aren't to sure about what I'm doing, not to mention my therapist. But I want to help her. I want her to enjoy life like I am for the first time in my life. Her parents aren't going to help her, and she's burned enough bridges herself that she doesn't have much in the way of alternatives. Yet, I can't really do much. I have my own shit to deal with (which right now mostly consists of looking for a job, staying on top of my biology class, and looking for a job!). But I can't just say, "Oh well, you made your bed..." She stuck by me, and while I was messed up in very different ways, she waited it out. Not a lot of people did, though I really don't blame them.
I don't want it to be me trying to "save" her. Because I can't. I can help her do it herself, but I just don't know if I can trust her to do the work. I know how hard it was for me, and I didn't have addiction problems and a completely unsupportive family.
As of right now, D is (hopefully) on a 72-hour hold, working with therapists and psychiatrists, telling them where she's supposed to be the next few weeks so they can help her find places to go up here, and hopefully helping her figure out where she can go after I have to go back home. And I plan on trying to help with that. But I don't know what will happen at that point. Is she going to end up living in her car, which will do absolutely nothing for her but make her worse.
I'm not sure if I'm trying to help her for her, or for me. Because she's one of the few friends I still have after the last couple of friends. And I want her to remain in my life because when she's good, she's great. But seriously, when she's bad, she's so ridiculously bad it's sad. And I do not want to be one of those people who focus too much on helping others simply because it makes them look like good people or because they get to be the "hero". I want to help her because she needs help and I want her to get to where I am now, even if it will probably take her longer.
D is aware that after this weekend, though, if she does anything but come up and chill with me, I'm done. And I HATE saying that. But I have to focus on my life, and I can't let her bring me down, which is probably still easier than I really want to admit. So she knows there is an ultimatum at this point, because I know I have to make it, for both of us, if not mostly for me and my mental health.
But what happens when I can't actually help her? What if I'm taking advantage of what I've been given by helping her? I'm over-thinking this, big surprise, but I can't help it. What to do, what to do.
Right now, though, I guess I should go get ready to go to my brother's. And just hope D makes a good choice this weekend. And that I can get a job soon. And finish a story and maybe write some more. Re-watch NCIS. And just in general chill out.
This entry was originally posted at http://harempriestess.dreamwidth.org/22114.html. Comment on either site.
My friend, D, a drug addict and alcoholic and all-around messed up girl, who of course because of my own problems I can relate to probably TOO much, has hit a head. And since I'm house sitting for the next couple of weeks at my aunt's house, I offered for her to come up for a couple of weeks to get her the hell out of a dangerous and unhealthy situation, at least for the time being. Come up, relax, we can do some talking, I can attempt to help her figure out what to do afterwards, etc. Except now, I can't help but wonder if maybe I shouldn't have done that. Am I just delaying the losing her completely to her dysfunction? Because I can't do more than the above, and I'm worried what will happen at the end of my aunt's trip.
And I know my parents aren't to sure about what I'm doing, not to mention my therapist. But I want to help her. I want her to enjoy life like I am for the first time in my life. Her parents aren't going to help her, and she's burned enough bridges herself that she doesn't have much in the way of alternatives. Yet, I can't really do much. I have my own shit to deal with (which right now mostly consists of looking for a job, staying on top of my biology class, and looking for a job!). But I can't just say, "Oh well, you made your bed..." She stuck by me, and while I was messed up in very different ways, she waited it out. Not a lot of people did, though I really don't blame them.
I don't want it to be me trying to "save" her. Because I can't. I can help her do it herself, but I just don't know if I can trust her to do the work. I know how hard it was for me, and I didn't have addiction problems and a completely unsupportive family.
As of right now, D is (hopefully) on a 72-hour hold, working with therapists and psychiatrists, telling them where she's supposed to be the next few weeks so they can help her find places to go up here, and hopefully helping her figure out where she can go after I have to go back home. And I plan on trying to help with that. But I don't know what will happen at that point. Is she going to end up living in her car, which will do absolutely nothing for her but make her worse.
I'm not sure if I'm trying to help her for her, or for me. Because she's one of the few friends I still have after the last couple of friends. And I want her to remain in my life because when she's good, she's great. But seriously, when she's bad, she's so ridiculously bad it's sad. And I do not want to be one of those people who focus too much on helping others simply because it makes them look like good people or because they get to be the "hero". I want to help her because she needs help and I want her to get to where I am now, even if it will probably take her longer.
D is aware that after this weekend, though, if she does anything but come up and chill with me, I'm done. And I HATE saying that. But I have to focus on my life, and I can't let her bring me down, which is probably still easier than I really want to admit. So she knows there is an ultimatum at this point, because I know I have to make it, for both of us, if not mostly for me and my mental health.
But what happens when I can't actually help her? What if I'm taking advantage of what I've been given by helping her? I'm over-thinking this, big surprise, but I can't help it. What to do, what to do.
Right now, though, I guess I should go get ready to go to my brother's. And just hope D makes a good choice this weekend. And that I can get a job soon. And finish a story and maybe write some more. Re-watch NCIS. And just in general chill out.
This entry was originally posted at http://harempriestess.dreamwidth.org/22114.html. Comment on either site.