(no subject)
It's weird. Today, I felt almost normal. I felt like I think I used to. Not once did I think about that which I will not mention (keeping it vague for my own good, and I'm not referring to Voldemort), I didn't cry, I only got a little down when I went and checked a certain persons Twitter. Yeah, I'm scared I'm turning into some sad little twitter stalker, which is stupid because a) the person is/was (I don't know which one at this point) a friend and NOT the object of obsession and b) it's not like there is any contact so.....
Yeah, I could simply stop going to her twitter. But then there's Facebook, and I don't want to cut all ties in case there is still something to be salvaged. I just need to try and not take her having a life and having fun so personal. It's hard; I take almost everything personal. Republicans trying to block any sort of health care reform? It's cause they don't like me. Sounds stupid, but I am unfortunately that wrapped up in my head lately. Except today. I was able to go to Julie's and work. Admittedly, she was in bed the entire time, but still, I did okay.
I can think of two things that might have to do with why today was basically a good day. First off, I SLEPT LAST NIGHT. I mean, I slept. I was ASLEEP by 2, I'm pretty sure, and I slept straight through until about 11. I was awake for a bit, and then crashed for another hour or so, but still, that's the most I've slept, in one shot, not during the day, in MONTHS. When I've slept that many hours in a row lately, it's been because I was up all night, and sleep only came when I finally had to face the day. Or something. Of course, I did pop 2 Ativan, which I'm not sure is a good thing. So tonight, I'm only popping one. But then I will soon lie down and hope to zone out again to NCIS or whatever. And hopefully, with any luck, I will again fall asleep.
The other reason I think I'm feeling a little better? Therapy. I started back with the therapist I'd seen last year for a couple of months before I moved up to the Lake. Just hearing someone a bit more objective tell me that what I'm feeling is real, and that so much of what's in my head, what I feel guilty for, I shouldn't, helped. I still feel guilty for certain things, and I know, or at least I think, I'm still going to have to do a little to gain back the trust of someone important, but being able to talk to someone else about it helped a lot. At least in the short run. Also having Mom in there at the beginning, to get the so-called ball rolling, was a great big help. It was a lot of stuff that was really hard to hear, but I can't help but wonder how true it all is.
But then, that last part? That's actually the scary part. I won't write here the things my mother mentioned, because I'm pretty sure I will start crying, and I'd love to go 24 hours without doing so, but to hear them really sucked, and I think made me really realize how long I'm going to have to deal with this stuff. I think I'm going to end up one of those people in therapy for a really long time, like years. Hell, Mom, my therapist, AND myself wish I could start with two sessions a week. But, money isn't willing, though time is. I know I would love to be able to do it two times a week; I don't know if I think it would get me ahead faster, or would just get me to a point where I'd feel a little more normal, or that the way I've felt all day would be around more days than not.
Basically, I hit bottom. I got to the point where something big had to occur, and it was going to be either a step in the right direction, or a big giant step in the wrong one. I think it's obvious which direction it went. I'm scared to think how close it was. I know it wasn't as close as it seems it was, as it seems to those who haven't been around me the last year or so. But, in all honesty, I'm not sure how much longer I'd have lasted, and now I'm not so scared.
Don't get me wrong. I know better than anyone it's not over. I fell too far, and now I have to get all the way out if I ever want to do anything in my life. And that means I can't give up. I have to make the effort, and see it through, or I'm never going to figure out what's wrong, why I can't finish things, why I sabotage so many things in my life.
Yay! Felt the burn of almost tears a couple of times writing this, but they never fully formed. Success! I should start making tally marks on a calendar for any days I don't cry. I can't think of the last day I didn't cry. Of course, considering my frame of mind the last few weeks, months really, I won't even waste the energy thinking about it.
I just hope the one thing I really want, the one thing I think I've lost, I can get back. It's too important to me, but I'm scared it may be gone. I think too much has gone down. But now all I can do is sit here and hope. Well, and talk to my therapist about how to handle however it goes.
In other news, my car is a little healthier, so I'm willing to drive it more than the few miles too and from my sister's. Which means I'M WILLING TO DRIVE IT SOUTH OF HERE AND VISIT SOMEONE SOON. If that someone doesn't read this, I'll email soon enough. If that someone does, is you're phone # the same? Let me know, someone, and we'll have to plan something. And HOPEFULLY I'll still be as open to it as I am right now :)
Okay, now off to try and write a bit more on yet another little fic I started. Then I'm going to hopefully sleep sometime soon. Then I get to take my sister to Walmart tomorrow. Weee. (Can you hear the excitement in my voice?)
Yeah, I could simply stop going to her twitter. But then there's Facebook, and I don't want to cut all ties in case there is still something to be salvaged. I just need to try and not take her having a life and having fun so personal. It's hard; I take almost everything personal. Republicans trying to block any sort of health care reform? It's cause they don't like me. Sounds stupid, but I am unfortunately that wrapped up in my head lately. Except today. I was able to go to Julie's and work. Admittedly, she was in bed the entire time, but still, I did okay.
I can think of two things that might have to do with why today was basically a good day. First off, I SLEPT LAST NIGHT. I mean, I slept. I was ASLEEP by 2, I'm pretty sure, and I slept straight through until about 11. I was awake for a bit, and then crashed for another hour or so, but still, that's the most I've slept, in one shot, not during the day, in MONTHS. When I've slept that many hours in a row lately, it's been because I was up all night, and sleep only came when I finally had to face the day. Or something. Of course, I did pop 2 Ativan, which I'm not sure is a good thing. So tonight, I'm only popping one. But then I will soon lie down and hope to zone out again to NCIS or whatever. And hopefully, with any luck, I will again fall asleep.
The other reason I think I'm feeling a little better? Therapy. I started back with the therapist I'd seen last year for a couple of months before I moved up to the Lake. Just hearing someone a bit more objective tell me that what I'm feeling is real, and that so much of what's in my head, what I feel guilty for, I shouldn't, helped. I still feel guilty for certain things, and I know, or at least I think, I'm still going to have to do a little to gain back the trust of someone important, but being able to talk to someone else about it helped a lot. At least in the short run. Also having Mom in there at the beginning, to get the so-called ball rolling, was a great big help. It was a lot of stuff that was really hard to hear, but I can't help but wonder how true it all is.
But then, that last part? That's actually the scary part. I won't write here the things my mother mentioned, because I'm pretty sure I will start crying, and I'd love to go 24 hours without doing so, but to hear them really sucked, and I think made me really realize how long I'm going to have to deal with this stuff. I think I'm going to end up one of those people in therapy for a really long time, like years. Hell, Mom, my therapist, AND myself wish I could start with two sessions a week. But, money isn't willing, though time is. I know I would love to be able to do it two times a week; I don't know if I think it would get me ahead faster, or would just get me to a point where I'd feel a little more normal, or that the way I've felt all day would be around more days than not.
Basically, I hit bottom. I got to the point where something big had to occur, and it was going to be either a step in the right direction, or a big giant step in the wrong one. I think it's obvious which direction it went. I'm scared to think how close it was. I know it wasn't as close as it seems it was, as it seems to those who haven't been around me the last year or so. But, in all honesty, I'm not sure how much longer I'd have lasted, and now I'm not so scared.
Don't get me wrong. I know better than anyone it's not over. I fell too far, and now I have to get all the way out if I ever want to do anything in my life. And that means I can't give up. I have to make the effort, and see it through, or I'm never going to figure out what's wrong, why I can't finish things, why I sabotage so many things in my life.
Yay! Felt the burn of almost tears a couple of times writing this, but they never fully formed. Success! I should start making tally marks on a calendar for any days I don't cry. I can't think of the last day I didn't cry. Of course, considering my frame of mind the last few weeks, months really, I won't even waste the energy thinking about it.
I just hope the one thing I really want, the one thing I think I've lost, I can get back. It's too important to me, but I'm scared it may be gone. I think too much has gone down. But now all I can do is sit here and hope. Well, and talk to my therapist about how to handle however it goes.
In other news, my car is a little healthier, so I'm willing to drive it more than the few miles too and from my sister's. Which means I'M WILLING TO DRIVE IT SOUTH OF HERE AND VISIT SOMEONE SOON. If that someone doesn't read this, I'll email soon enough. If that someone does, is you're phone # the same? Let me know, someone, and we'll have to plan something. And HOPEFULLY I'll still be as open to it as I am right now :)
Okay, now off to try and write a bit more on yet another little fic I started. Then I'm going to hopefully sleep sometime soon. Then I get to take my sister to Walmart tomorrow. Weee. (Can you hear the excitement in my voice?)