I've Never Been Someone's Beard Before...
[mood: 
Dreams staving sleep from your eyes]
[music: Tom Petty - Running Down a Dream]
Being that it's officially the end of August already, I figured I better get this early August entry posted. *head desk* I kept getting distracted with my meme posts instead of finishing this one. Aaaaanyway....
In the early morning of August 8th, I had my second vivid Big Time Rush Dream in as many weeks. The scenes were wildly non sequitur and involved aggressive outbursts in sky rise restaurants, epic stage fail, "Surprise! I know you like buttsecks!"-embraces, and "Wait, why are you kissing me?" moments.
So, apparently at least two of the members of Big Time Rush took to stage productions, and I am their co-worker on a new project. In relation to this new partnership, Kendall and I go out to dinner at a nice restaurant with unique architecture. The red pleather booths are lined up along the left white wall of a room that gently curves into a giant "C." The right side of the restaurant is all windows, providing a spectacular, sprawling view, which gives the impression that we are high in the air. These elements lead me to conclude that my mind might have been creating something akin to the Seattle needle tower restaurant. Except for the part where I've never been to Seattle or its high-in-the-air dining establishment. Ha.
Kendall and I are having a good time, laughing, joking, and talking. We got along well immediately, and Kendall was being his usual sparkly, flirty self. Then, my friend Megan shows up in a fit of raaaaaaaaaaage. She is furious with me for going out to dinner with Kendall. In the dream, I think she had a crush on him, but they had ever met or interacted beyond her seeing him on television. She tells me in certain terms that I should be dating the nerd (i.e., she meant Logan). Harsh. XD
I try to explain to her that more than one person in the world is bound to like Kendall, friendship or otherwise, and that she has no reason to be upset that I went out to dinner with someone she'd never met, even if it was a date (which I'm pretty sure it wasn't). She stomped off somewhere, disappearing into the great beyond of the giant C room. I'm left thinking, "She's mad at me over a guy she's never even met? What?" Her interruption forced a change of scene related to her comment about Logan, however, because all of a sudden the scene shifts to what is clearly my kitchen/living room IRL, but which isn't supposed to be functioning as my house in this dream.
Logan's there, for some unknown reason, and it's the first time I've met him since joining the production (hence why I'm nearly positive it wasn't supposed to be my home). When steps through the entryway, on his way to the living room, I stride up behind him and loop my arms around his chest under his arms. My mouth is pressed right by his ear, and I say something to him in a low voice about James. I give this knowing smirk when I feel his heartbeat quicken beneath my fingertips, his body heating under my hands. It's the thump you can feel through bone, that pounding of your heart when you're entire body is composed of fear, desire, or joy. Satisfied by this, I release him and go back to the kitchen thinking that I was correct in my assumption of Logan being attracted to James.
The scene transitions to what is likely the next day, and we're backstage at the theater. The building consists of tall, white stucco walls with windows high up by the rafters letting in shafts of early morning sunshine. Logan shows up backstage in the green shirt he wore in 7 Secrets with Big Time Rush. We begin to talk a little, smiling often in our lighthearted conversation (apparently seizing someone in an inquisitive "you like James? I knew it!" embrace earlier is no cause for awkwardness).
He's being kind and flattering, so I make some offhand, snarky comment about how if he keeps talking like that we might have to date. I get ready to head toward the stage proper. As I turn to leave, my fingers trail from where I'd placed them as a friendly pat on the shoulder down his collarbone and chest. The motion of my hand is normal for when you turn away and drop your hand to the side, but I remember it so clearly because like a camera, the scene panned to my hand trailing down his chest and slowed it down. For lack of a better way of describing it, the POV was like a cameraman's pans/closeup shots.
The camera-style view stays with my hand as it drops down in half time. My fingers disconnect from the green cotton. I'm already turned away, taking a step forward to leave. My hand almost exits the shot when Logan's fingers reach into the frame and wrap around my wrist, simultaneously gentle and firm. The camera pans back out, rising from the waist up as I stop and turn back. It's all on Logan, then, as though shooting through my eyes. As the view pulls back to the two of us, he pulls me forward (somehow not jerking my arm) hard enough that the momentum carries me to his lips. Soft, warm, unmoving. The order of recognizing sensations was in exactly that order. My mind wraps itself around what's happening, and I move to pull away, then pause. I think "This isn't so bad" and instead of breaking it off, I press my lips against his more firmly for a few moments longer.
This kiss was never explained. The scene chopped there, so I never saw myself or Logan pull away. Yes, yes, I'm sure that's all measures of symbolic. These conflicting, juxtaposed scenes lead me to think that I became Logan's "beard" so he could date James in real life. I'm not 100% sure that was his immediate intention. The trigger for the kiss appeared to be the comment I had made in at least half-jest, but it was almost like he was trying to prove me wrong from earlier--that I was wrong about him liking James. I wasn't. Or, I suppose he could have acted impulsively in response to my comment like, "Dating? Try this on for size!" Ok, so maybe I just wanted to imagine Logan saying "Try this on for size!" in his "if you drink cold milk on a hot day, you die" voice. I'm allowed.
My realization of what was happening during that entire moment went in this order:
1) Wait just a minute, are you kissing me right now? What?
2) Warm, soft lips are pleasant.
3) This kiss doesn't suck. It's not even "meh."
4) Well...I guess I could kiss back a little. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.
I did not melt. I did not get excited that Logan was kissing me. It was not open-mouth. The CDC would call it social kissing. XD I did not feel dizzy or fireworks or aroused. It was one of those real first kisses: the awkward ones that take you by surprise. Instead of being brain breaking, it was brain muddling. Apparently, I had all the time in the world to figure out what was going on. I realized it felt kinda nice, and then I went with it. A little pressure to return the kiss. Something I don't think I've allowed myself to do much in real life.
In the next scene, I'm walking out onto the stage thinking to myself that I have no idea what I'm doing because they didn't get the script to me, but hello, we're performing anyway. I'm in my dress from It's a Grand Night for Singing (a musical revue I was in several years ago), and I sit down next to Josh at a table, a person that was also in that play in real life, to glance at a paper--newspaper, playbill, script--I'm not sure. Then, I'm down on the floor next to the stage (as part of some audience interaction) and attempting to hop back up onto it. I put my hands on the stage, but it's too high for me to get good leap up where my momentum will carry me all the way up, so I can't get back up onto the stage where I want to go. I have to wander over to where it dips down and then climb back up (symbolic for climbing the show biz ladder, that the bar is set too high, or just epic lifting myself up fail?). That's all I remember.
The sensation of Logan's beating heart and the softness of his lips were the two most memorable moments for me because as I've said before, I very rarely remember anything outside of audio/visual in a dream. Both the temperature and texture stuck with me.
There's probably all sorts of psychobabble embedded in all of this imagery. In fact, I can point to some of it myself. The "it's not so bad" thought could have referred to, "It wouldn't be so bad pretending to be in a relationship to support my favorite BTR union" or a reference to real life kissing experiences. Or both. In general, I've felt uneasy and slightly embarrassed by kissing--a part of me that couldn't push past the awkwardness. In retrospect, that should probably be attributed to the lack of chemistry with the guys in question. I've only had one kiss I definitely categorize as really enjoying--an impassioned stage kiss with a guy I liked at the time (so technically, the kiss would have happened multiple times in rehearsal and performance.
Over the years, I've only had a handful of boyfriends because 1) I was much more goal-focused on academics and career. 2) I have struggled to find a blend of attraction and personality in someone I want to date, in large part due to the fact that the rural area I'm currently inhabiting has a truly pitiful young guy quotient. I have a fair amount of guy friends, and the guys I've dated were typically good friends of mine first. If I realized it was couldn't transition past a friendship for me, however, I broke it off. I never want to string anyone out. Ever. As a result, the majority of my kisses were a "Yep, being kissed" kind of thing. I'm not sure if I'm just not a big fan of kissing or whether it was the lack of chemistry. My stage kiss scenario and my reaction when I see someone I find attractive leads me to think it's the latter. I know when I'm attracted to a guy; there is a very immediate, visceral reaction. I have definitely had those attractions, and I've had that reaction returned in body language, but either we didn't share enough in common to date or they were too chicken to approach to ask me out. I think I'm approachable (famous last words, right?), but I was told that because I'm someone they like to interact with/consider smart, my opinion mattered if I rejected them in a way it didn't with some other girls. *sighs* All that considered, I was really hoping I could create chemistry with sweet, caring guy friends. Alas, I could not...but as Logan's beard? It didn't matter. XD
Dreams staving sleep from your eyes]
[music: Tom Petty - Running Down a Dream]
Being that it's officially the end of August already, I figured I better get this early August entry posted. *head desk* I kept getting distracted with my meme posts instead of finishing this one. Aaaaanyway....
In the early morning of August 8th, I had my second vivid Big Time Rush Dream in as many weeks. The scenes were wildly non sequitur and involved aggressive outbursts in sky rise restaurants, epic stage fail, "Surprise! I know you like buttsecks!"-embraces, and "Wait, why are you kissing me?" moments.
So, apparently at least two of the members of Big Time Rush took to stage productions, and I am their co-worker on a new project. In relation to this new partnership, Kendall and I go out to dinner at a nice restaurant with unique architecture. The red pleather booths are lined up along the left white wall of a room that gently curves into a giant "C." The right side of the restaurant is all windows, providing a spectacular, sprawling view, which gives the impression that we are high in the air. These elements lead me to conclude that my mind might have been creating something akin to the Seattle needle tower restaurant. Except for the part where I've never been to Seattle or its high-in-the-air dining establishment. Ha.
Kendall and I are having a good time, laughing, joking, and talking. We got along well immediately, and Kendall was being his usual sparkly, flirty self. Then, my friend Megan shows up in a fit of raaaaaaaaaaage. She is furious with me for going out to dinner with Kendall. In the dream, I think she had a crush on him, but they had ever met or interacted beyond her seeing him on television. She tells me in certain terms that I should be dating the nerd (i.e., she meant Logan). Harsh. XD
I try to explain to her that more than one person in the world is bound to like Kendall, friendship or otherwise, and that she has no reason to be upset that I went out to dinner with someone she'd never met, even if it was a date (which I'm pretty sure it wasn't). She stomped off somewhere, disappearing into the great beyond of the giant C room. I'm left thinking, "She's mad at me over a guy she's never even met? What?" Her interruption forced a change of scene related to her comment about Logan, however, because all of a sudden the scene shifts to what is clearly my kitchen/living room IRL, but which isn't supposed to be functioning as my house in this dream.
Logan's there, for some unknown reason, and it's the first time I've met him since joining the production (hence why I'm nearly positive it wasn't supposed to be my home). When steps through the entryway, on his way to the living room, I stride up behind him and loop my arms around his chest under his arms. My mouth is pressed right by his ear, and I say something to him in a low voice about James. I give this knowing smirk when I feel his heartbeat quicken beneath my fingertips, his body heating under my hands. It's the thump you can feel through bone, that pounding of your heart when you're entire body is composed of fear, desire, or joy. Satisfied by this, I release him and go back to the kitchen thinking that I was correct in my assumption of Logan being attracted to James.
The scene transitions to what is likely the next day, and we're backstage at the theater. The building consists of tall, white stucco walls with windows high up by the rafters letting in shafts of early morning sunshine. Logan shows up backstage in the green shirt he wore in 7 Secrets with Big Time Rush. We begin to talk a little, smiling often in our lighthearted conversation (apparently seizing someone in an inquisitive "you like James? I knew it!" embrace earlier is no cause for awkwardness).
He's being kind and flattering, so I make some offhand, snarky comment about how if he keeps talking like that we might have to date. I get ready to head toward the stage proper. As I turn to leave, my fingers trail from where I'd placed them as a friendly pat on the shoulder down his collarbone and chest. The motion of my hand is normal for when you turn away and drop your hand to the side, but I remember it so clearly because like a camera, the scene panned to my hand trailing down his chest and slowed it down. For lack of a better way of describing it, the POV was like a cameraman's pans/closeup shots.
The camera-style view stays with my hand as it drops down in half time. My fingers disconnect from the green cotton. I'm already turned away, taking a step forward to leave. My hand almost exits the shot when Logan's fingers reach into the frame and wrap around my wrist, simultaneously gentle and firm. The camera pans back out, rising from the waist up as I stop and turn back. It's all on Logan, then, as though shooting through my eyes. As the view pulls back to the two of us, he pulls me forward (somehow not jerking my arm) hard enough that the momentum carries me to his lips. Soft, warm, unmoving. The order of recognizing sensations was in exactly that order. My mind wraps itself around what's happening, and I move to pull away, then pause. I think "This isn't so bad" and instead of breaking it off, I press my lips against his more firmly for a few moments longer.
This kiss was never explained. The scene chopped there, so I never saw myself or Logan pull away. Yes, yes, I'm sure that's all measures of symbolic. These conflicting, juxtaposed scenes lead me to think that I became Logan's "beard" so he could date James in real life. I'm not 100% sure that was his immediate intention. The trigger for the kiss appeared to be the comment I had made in at least half-jest, but it was almost like he was trying to prove me wrong from earlier--that I was wrong about him liking James. I wasn't. Or, I suppose he could have acted impulsively in response to my comment like, "Dating? Try this on for size!" Ok, so maybe I just wanted to imagine Logan saying "Try this on for size!" in his "if you drink cold milk on a hot day, you die" voice. I'm allowed.
My realization of what was happening during that entire moment went in this order:
1) Wait just a minute, are you kissing me right now? What?
2) Warm, soft lips are pleasant.
3) This kiss doesn't suck. It's not even "meh."
4) Well...I guess I could kiss back a little. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.
I did not melt. I did not get excited that Logan was kissing me. It was not open-mouth. The CDC would call it social kissing. XD I did not feel dizzy or fireworks or aroused. It was one of those real first kisses: the awkward ones that take you by surprise. Instead of being brain breaking, it was brain muddling. Apparently, I had all the time in the world to figure out what was going on. I realized it felt kinda nice, and then I went with it. A little pressure to return the kiss. Something I don't think I've allowed myself to do much in real life.
In the next scene, I'm walking out onto the stage thinking to myself that I have no idea what I'm doing because they didn't get the script to me, but hello, we're performing anyway. I'm in my dress from It's a Grand Night for Singing (a musical revue I was in several years ago), and I sit down next to Josh at a table, a person that was also in that play in real life, to glance at a paper--newspaper, playbill, script--I'm not sure. Then, I'm down on the floor next to the stage (as part of some audience interaction) and attempting to hop back up onto it. I put my hands on the stage, but it's too high for me to get good leap up where my momentum will carry me all the way up, so I can't get back up onto the stage where I want to go. I have to wander over to where it dips down and then climb back up (symbolic for climbing the show biz ladder, that the bar is set too high, or just epic lifting myself up fail?). That's all I remember.
The sensation of Logan's beating heart and the softness of his lips were the two most memorable moments for me because as I've said before, I very rarely remember anything outside of audio/visual in a dream. Both the temperature and texture stuck with me.
There's probably all sorts of psychobabble embedded in all of this imagery. In fact, I can point to some of it myself. The "it's not so bad" thought could have referred to, "It wouldn't be so bad pretending to be in a relationship to support my favorite BTR union" or a reference to real life kissing experiences. Or both. In general, I've felt uneasy and slightly embarrassed by kissing--a part of me that couldn't push past the awkwardness. In retrospect, that should probably be attributed to the lack of chemistry with the guys in question. I've only had one kiss I definitely categorize as really enjoying--an impassioned stage kiss with a guy I liked at the time (so technically, the kiss would have happened multiple times in rehearsal and performance.
Over the years, I've only had a handful of boyfriends because 1) I was much more goal-focused on academics and career. 2) I have struggled to find a blend of attraction and personality in someone I want to date, in large part due to the fact that the rural area I'm currently inhabiting has a truly pitiful young guy quotient. I have a fair amount of guy friends, and the guys I've dated were typically good friends of mine first. If I realized it was couldn't transition past a friendship for me, however, I broke it off. I never want to string anyone out. Ever. As a result, the majority of my kisses were a "Yep, being kissed" kind of thing. I'm not sure if I'm just not a big fan of kissing or whether it was the lack of chemistry. My stage kiss scenario and my reaction when I see someone I find attractive leads me to think it's the latter. I know when I'm attracted to a guy; there is a very immediate, visceral reaction. I have definitely had those attractions, and I've had that reaction returned in body language, but either we didn't share enough in common to date or they were too chicken to approach to ask me out. I think I'm approachable (famous last words, right?), but I was told that because I'm someone they like to interact with/consider smart, my opinion mattered if I rejected them in a way it didn't with some other girls. *sighs* All that considered, I was really hoping I could create chemistry with sweet, caring guy friends. Alas, I could not...but as Logan's beard? It didn't matter. XD