(no subject)
I've always tried to avoid using any names when writing in here. I don't know why I do that, especially since I'd tell anyone who asked and if you knew me very well it is always fairly obvious. I'm going to try to break this stupid habit starting now.
I went to an amazing halloween party at the horsecow on saturday night. Just about everyone I've ever known was there. Dancing, drinking, porn room (actually it was just the waiting room for the bathroom), maze, DJs, large destructive devices for no reason, ... , fabulousness. I had such a great time. But at the same time I had a horrid time. I couldn't stop all these small things from ruining my night. I could not keep myself happy.
A while back I was talking to Jenny and she told me something along the lines that she thinks I don't allow myself to be happy or I sabotage my ability to be happy or something like that. It took me a while but I'm finally starting to see it. I have a fairly amazing life right now. I should be happy. I'm going to school, taking tons of classes, doing fantastic in them, I have two jobs that I enjoy, I have an over abundance of way too super fantastic friends, I have a social calendar that keeps me up to my elbows in awesome parties, and I still have time for all the TV shows that I can handle. None of it seems to matter. I want a relationship. I want to be doing better in school even though I'm (grade wise) the best in a few of my classes. I feel like I could still be doing more even though I'm exhausted as it is. My friends can bring me fantastic smiles to my face, but that almost makes it worse.
I have three female friends that I spend a good deal of time with every single week. Heather is my dance club friend, we attend just about every club event together, and when the clubbing is slow we'll just get as drunk as we can at some fabulous restaurant. Kim is my tuesday friend, our schedule align to make tuesday afternoons the best time to hang out, we'll do anything during that time, but it's never anything but too much fun, we hang out other times, but tuesday is currently set aside (from 2:30-5:30) for us to have a ball. Ashley is my Gilmore Girls friend, she's allot more than that but we currently our watching and loving Gilmore girls together, she also seems to be my house party friend and my coffee getting friend and... well lots of other things as well. The thing is, all three of these girls are so amazing to hang out with, chat with, pal around with, drink with, party with.... and all very beautiful as well, that I can't not have crushes on all of them, even when I really wish I didn't.
Kim has a boyfriend, Ashley just got out of a fairly intense relationship that she doesn't seem to be anywhere close to over, and Heather... Each one knows that I have crushes on the other two, and I'm sure have an idea that I have a crush on them (possibly), except Ashley, I told her that I have crush on her. I see them with other boys, or being hit on, or hitting on and it makes me sad. I think of how great our friendships our and how I am sabotaging them with my want for more and it makes me sad. I think about how it seems entirely possible to be more with any of them and how I'm sure I won't handle things right for it to turn out that way and it makes me sad.
Here's a new (impossible) goal that I'm setting for myself: stop being retarded.
I went to an amazing halloween party at the horsecow on saturday night. Just about everyone I've ever known was there. Dancing, drinking, porn room (actually it was just the waiting room for the bathroom), maze, DJs, large destructive devices for no reason, ... , fabulousness. I had such a great time. But at the same time I had a horrid time. I couldn't stop all these small things from ruining my night. I could not keep myself happy.
A while back I was talking to Jenny and she told me something along the lines that she thinks I don't allow myself to be happy or I sabotage my ability to be happy or something like that. It took me a while but I'm finally starting to see it. I have a fairly amazing life right now. I should be happy. I'm going to school, taking tons of classes, doing fantastic in them, I have two jobs that I enjoy, I have an over abundance of way too super fantastic friends, I have a social calendar that keeps me up to my elbows in awesome parties, and I still have time for all the TV shows that I can handle. None of it seems to matter. I want a relationship. I want to be doing better in school even though I'm (grade wise) the best in a few of my classes. I feel like I could still be doing more even though I'm exhausted as it is. My friends can bring me fantastic smiles to my face, but that almost makes it worse.
I have three female friends that I spend a good deal of time with every single week. Heather is my dance club friend, we attend just about every club event together, and when the clubbing is slow we'll just get as drunk as we can at some fabulous restaurant. Kim is my tuesday friend, our schedule align to make tuesday afternoons the best time to hang out, we'll do anything during that time, but it's never anything but too much fun, we hang out other times, but tuesday is currently set aside (from 2:30-5:30) for us to have a ball. Ashley is my Gilmore Girls friend, she's allot more than that but we currently our watching and loving Gilmore girls together, she also seems to be my house party friend and my coffee getting friend and... well lots of other things as well. The thing is, all three of these girls are so amazing to hang out with, chat with, pal around with, drink with, party with.... and all very beautiful as well, that I can't not have crushes on all of them, even when I really wish I didn't.
Kim has a boyfriend, Ashley just got out of a fairly intense relationship that she doesn't seem to be anywhere close to over, and Heather... Each one knows that I have crushes on the other two, and I'm sure have an idea that I have a crush on them (possibly), except Ashley, I told her that I have crush on her. I see them with other boys, or being hit on, or hitting on and it makes me sad. I think of how great our friendships our and how I am sabotaging them with my want for more and it makes me sad. I think about how it seems entirely possible to be more with any of them and how I'm sure I won't handle things right for it to turn out that way and it makes me sad.
Here's a new (impossible) goal that I'm setting for myself: stop being retarded.