(no subject)
S broke up with me over the weekend out of the blue, and I'm really crushed, really confused, tired and lonely.
seems to happen whenever I start to really, really care about someone...I think it scares them and they just disappear. It's happened so many times {in a row} that sometimes I wonder if I'm just not the type of person anyone can really actually fall for for long.
thing is, I don't need or even really necessarily want some sort of amazing boyfriend who is totally into me all the time. I like having someone I can look up to, which I guess is the factor that leads into me growing incredibly fond of them while the slight inferiority on my part leads the imbalance of feelings to occur. I don't know. he says he still has feelings, etc etc, but I think he mainly feels some sort of guilt toward the fact I rely on him/care deeply for him more than he does for me. I just wish he knew that I'm okay with that, in fact, if I was dating someone who thought I was the most awesome girl in the world and was constantly there for me, I'd feel awkward, undeserving, and for whatever reason, lose interest. perhaps that's exactly how he feels in our situation, which is an idea that sucks even more. I really can't handle him being gone right now. He's the first healthy relationship I've really had, the most open, the only one where I wasn't terrified of doing something wrong all the time, the first time a man wasn't constantly pissed at me for something out of my control, the first time someone made me feel beautiful and comfortable with my own body, the first time I felt some real self-worth, the first time I felt equal, had slight feelings of innocence again, etc...the list goes on forever of how good he's been to me/for me. He's one of the main reasons I can drill through all this stupid homework, to look forward to the reward of coming home on weekends and comfortably being held in his arms. For whatever reason, I trust him more than any of my other friends and feel he is the most honest and accepting. To know how awkward things may be when I come home stabs empty in the pit of my stomach because I don't have much to look forward to.
seems like now I'll come back, spend the day alone because the majority of my friends never come over when they say they're going to while they look for something more exciting to do, and at 2am james might come by and offer support and we'll hang out for a few hours while I'm so tired I'm delirious. My mom will offer some misunderstood support or something, piss me off, and I'll feel even worse. I'll get back on the train and head back to richmond to spend another sleepless week of pointless work that's getting me nowhere. I really hate the position I'm in right now.
I just really wish he would change his mind.
seems to happen whenever I start to really, really care about someone...I think it scares them and they just disappear. It's happened so many times {in a row} that sometimes I wonder if I'm just not the type of person anyone can really actually fall for for long.
thing is, I don't need or even really necessarily want some sort of amazing boyfriend who is totally into me all the time. I like having someone I can look up to, which I guess is the factor that leads into me growing incredibly fond of them while the slight inferiority on my part leads the imbalance of feelings to occur. I don't know. he says he still has feelings, etc etc, but I think he mainly feels some sort of guilt toward the fact I rely on him/care deeply for him more than he does for me. I just wish he knew that I'm okay with that, in fact, if I was dating someone who thought I was the most awesome girl in the world and was constantly there for me, I'd feel awkward, undeserving, and for whatever reason, lose interest. perhaps that's exactly how he feels in our situation, which is an idea that sucks even more. I really can't handle him being gone right now. He's the first healthy relationship I've really had, the most open, the only one where I wasn't terrified of doing something wrong all the time, the first time a man wasn't constantly pissed at me for something out of my control, the first time someone made me feel beautiful and comfortable with my own body, the first time I felt some real self-worth, the first time I felt equal, had slight feelings of innocence again, etc...the list goes on forever of how good he's been to me/for me. He's one of the main reasons I can drill through all this stupid homework, to look forward to the reward of coming home on weekends and comfortably being held in his arms. For whatever reason, I trust him more than any of my other friends and feel he is the most honest and accepting. To know how awkward things may be when I come home stabs empty in the pit of my stomach because I don't have much to look forward to.
seems like now I'll come back, spend the day alone because the majority of my friends never come over when they say they're going to while they look for something more exciting to do, and at 2am james might come by and offer support and we'll hang out for a few hours while I'm so tired I'm delirious. My mom will offer some misunderstood support or something, piss me off, and I'll feel even worse. I'll get back on the train and head back to richmond to spend another sleepless week of pointless work that's getting me nowhere. I really hate the position I'm in right now.
I just really wish he would change his mind.