Giving to Myself
I realized the other day that I hadn’t written a blog since April. In May I ended up in the ER from a minor second degree burn not from playing with Fire but from water, boiling. I was making Tea and dropped the teapot and scalded my hand. Now normally a burn of this sort wouldn’t really land you in the ER but I am a diabetic and I went into what is known as Burn Shock because of the diabetes. Well while I was there they found a whole bunch of health complications. So for the past several months I have been trying to get used to my new medicinal regime which my body hates and has been fighting me on the whole time.
I have been working on my book and my Deadline is looming, like a shadow of a huge monster. Two weeks at this point is what I have left, roughly. I have also been making jewelry and doing tarot readings. My days are pretty quiet compared to what they were with the constant, performing and modeling.
I have been strongly re-connecting to my spirituality and have reached a place of deeper meaning and more evolved spirituality. I see the world clearer now than I ever did and am at a place of peace.
As for performing I know I will return but not as soon as I had originally thought. When I started performing, I would channel my goddess and my performance was a way to worship her. Bast is a fertility deity after all. However in the last year what was sacred became profane. It was a slow process one I didn’t realize was happening at the time, until it was too late. I started to let the business, the mundane side take over the performance. I became too scattered from herding cats, or Kittens as it were, to dedicate the stage to her. I neglected myself terribly and in doing so neglected HER. I have no one else to blame but myself. I have learned that as a Daughter of Bast I MUST take care of myself for I represent her. So I will no longer be putting everyone else’s needs before my own.
When you routinely sacrifice yourself and give of yourself away no one sees the value in it. Why would people “pay” for something they can get for free. If you always give of yourself, your efforts will not be appreciated. You have to put Value on them yourself or no one else will. It is a sad cold truth but there it is. People only appreciate things that they have worked for, if it is freely given then it holds no value to them. They must be made to sacrifice in order to receive, the greater the sacrifice they make the greater the value it is to them.
What does this mean for me? I will be more guarded and less giving. I will only give to those that return the favor. Please understand that this does not necessarily mean money or monetary things. This is not about greed or accruing wealth. For money means little to me. This is about emotional giving, support and love. I will no longer give of myself if the person doesn’t return the favor. I am no longer going to waste my time and energy on people and projects that do not find value in me.
This enlightenment has upset many people. However those most upset were the ones I gave the most to and saw the least return. The “TAKERS.” I am no longer giving to “takers” for they never return the favor, or if they do it is only for their own ends.
I like to be generous, it was how my family showed love when I was growing up. The more that was given the more we loved them. This could be anything food, hugs, presents. My mom is a food pusher. It makes her feel good to feed people and to give them food and to cook for them. To this day when I visit her she gives Rocky and I heaping plates piled high with food as a token of her affection.
Right now, I am just taking the days as they come. Focusing on me and my spirituality getting closer to my Gods. I am not really making any big plans for the future, for the first time in my life. I am living soley in the present.