Ugh...
So I'm doing okay. I decided not to call Mike for a week... and so far it's been two days of not talking to him. It hurts a little... mostly when I wake up... but then it gets better throughout the day. I'm eating more now, but I lost 6 pounds since we broke up.
I feel a little better being on my own and have also realized it can never be the same with us... so I'm not even sure if I can be his friend. That scares me cause I want him in my life... but not the him he has become.
I guess he was smoking pot and cigarettes during the last couple months of us dating... he just lied everytime I asked about it. And because he said, "no I'm not, but you'll never believe me anyway." I believed him... I don't know. I mean I haven't really been able to talk to him about it cause he didn't want to before the show and he left after... I don't know if I'll ever know what I did to make him not want to be with me.
I have a list and I've rambled some things off to him, but he doesn't answer me so I don't know if those things are some of the reasons. I wish he would just call and say hey I've figured out what's wrong and heres how we can fix it... but that's not gonna happen...
I know this sounds bad, but I kinda don't want to ever see him again. Because of the person he is now.... every time I see him I want to kill myself... because I think it's parcially my fault. It was a great idea to take a week off from him... but at the end of this week, if he hasn't called... I'm not going to call him. Because that means he's getting over me and that he doesn't want me in his life... I can deal with that now. I'm slowly getting over him and I think one day my heart will be fully healed and I can love again. But not right now.
Ben broke up with Natasha the day of the Deadseason concert and came over today for like 4 hours. We just laid (sp) on my bed and talked... I was half asleep the whole time. He kept staring at me and it made me uncomfortable; I hope he doesn't start to like me again... cause I don't feel that way about him anymore... My heart has been crushed, and the thought of someone liking me makes me sick... I can't deal with that now, and I don't want to for a while.
I'm really bored and am going to go do something else...wml...
<333
I feel a little better being on my own and have also realized it can never be the same with us... so I'm not even sure if I can be his friend. That scares me cause I want him in my life... but not the him he has become.
I guess he was smoking pot and cigarettes during the last couple months of us dating... he just lied everytime I asked about it. And because he said, "no I'm not, but you'll never believe me anyway." I believed him... I don't know. I mean I haven't really been able to talk to him about it cause he didn't want to before the show and he left after... I don't know if I'll ever know what I did to make him not want to be with me.
I have a list and I've rambled some things off to him, but he doesn't answer me so I don't know if those things are some of the reasons. I wish he would just call and say hey I've figured out what's wrong and heres how we can fix it... but that's not gonna happen...
I know this sounds bad, but I kinda don't want to ever see him again. Because of the person he is now.... every time I see him I want to kill myself... because I think it's parcially my fault. It was a great idea to take a week off from him... but at the end of this week, if he hasn't called... I'm not going to call him. Because that means he's getting over me and that he doesn't want me in his life... I can deal with that now. I'm slowly getting over him and I think one day my heart will be fully healed and I can love again. But not right now.
Ben broke up with Natasha the day of the Deadseason concert and came over today for like 4 hours. We just laid (sp) on my bed and talked... I was half asleep the whole time. He kept staring at me and it made me uncomfortable; I hope he doesn't start to like me again... cause I don't feel that way about him anymore... My heart has been crushed, and the thought of someone liking me makes me sick... I can't deal with that now, and I don't want to for a while.
I'm really bored and am going to go do something else...wml...
<333