Some people eat their feelings, I write mine.
I just need to get this out. Because I would want to read about this in the future. I do have a tendency to forget. To forget the little details and just remember the big outline without all the interesting tidbits. I may be being melodramatic or I may be not. But I'd much rather get this chapter of my life over with.
Because, because, what I feared from the start has finally come true. In the end, I will just feel sad. Better that it ended now, and that I am sad now. Better that it ended with not much investment and not much emotions (but honestly I really don't give much emotions) than later on when I've broken down my walls.
I keep telling myself that I don't know how to feel. And perhaps, the more I say, the more it becomes real. Then, I get the guts to actually say it out loud. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL. Or rather, I don't know how to feel positive emotions. I don't know how to be extremely happy. I don't know how it feels to appreciate something. I don't know how it feels to actually love something or someone. As one friend said, I am a plant that has been demoted to a stone.
This past week I have been feeling what I feel best, sadness. I didn't realize that a person I've known for just over a month can make me feel sad because he wasn't texting as often, or because he wasn't greeting me good morning or good night like he used to, or because he didn't call the several times that he said he would call me back instead. I may have let him in, in a crack. May have allowed him to get through me even just a little. In an amount ample enough for me to feel sad now that he has vanished.
What makes me giddy? It would be walking to his car and seeing him on the driver side. Yes, that used to make me feel giddy.
Because, because, what I feared from the start has finally come true. In the end, I will just feel sad. Better that it ended now, and that I am sad now. Better that it ended with not much investment and not much emotions (but honestly I really don't give much emotions) than later on when I've broken down my walls.
I keep telling myself that I don't know how to feel. And perhaps, the more I say, the more it becomes real. Then, I get the guts to actually say it out loud. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL. Or rather, I don't know how to feel positive emotions. I don't know how to be extremely happy. I don't know how it feels to appreciate something. I don't know how it feels to actually love something or someone. As one friend said, I am a plant that has been demoted to a stone.
This past week I have been feeling what I feel best, sadness. I didn't realize that a person I've known for just over a month can make me feel sad because he wasn't texting as often, or because he wasn't greeting me good morning or good night like he used to, or because he didn't call the several times that he said he would call me back instead. I may have let him in, in a crack. May have allowed him to get through me even just a little. In an amount ample enough for me to feel sad now that he has vanished.
What makes me giddy? It would be walking to his car and seeing him on the driver side. Yes, that used to make me feel giddy.