fuck sleeping
once again, here i am, up wehn no one else is. i have no one to talk to, and im just drinking alone so maybe i can fall asleep. can you say alcoholic? i haven't done any drugs here, except htat one line that kid on the street gave us. it was good. but it jsut made me want more..yeh like always. all the kids got arrested last week so teres no "beans". i havent taken those since new years. in a way im kinda happy ive stopped so much. it was gettin bad. i really wish people could see that im not all about drgus. yeh therye fun n waht not, but im such a hopeless romantic, i love jsut sitting on my dock and listening to the water lap against everything around me. me and megan used to lay out there and smoke cigareetes and jsut talk. i miss her alot. i like to jsut sit in a bed and curl up wiht someone i love and be intoxicated by it. i really hope one day im good enough for someone to love. my mom said i will one day. i can only hope. im one of those people who hates to be alone, jsut like my dad. its a curse it really is. i used to love being alone, but now that i discovered how unbelivebely great it is to have a someone, it kills me. i see maggie n red and want what they have. well maybe not enymore, since therye havin problems, but i started callin my boyfirned baby and completely loved it. ive never had anyone like that, who i could talk to about anything and knew loved me that much too. but sometimes things you rteally want to work out dont. i remember telling my cousin patty "i want to marry this kid" im just a nieve little girl. i need to move on and go to college and make frineds. ill never forget this year though. something i never ever expected to happen did. i fell in love again. you always beleve your firstr love is your last ans your last love was ur first. it sucks.
i really like samantha, i wish i could stgay longer n hang out. she is in the same suitation i was in, but tongiht she fixed it n made it better. i beleve shes a beautiful girl and deserves a lot better, but who am i to say waht people deserve. i honestly believe i deserve a great love. i cant go looking for love "your never going to find it if your looking for it" ugh im guna get sick again tomorrow from drinking this steel reserve shit. i was so fucking drunk last ngiht..then threw up all day and fell asleep for an hour at like 6.
once you give your heart to someone, you never get it back. you get pieces of it because of denial, but it never fully heals. i;ve left pieces of my heart with so many people, but this last time was the biggest. i truly beleived it was going to be a long beautiful thing, and it was, but only for a while. i never got over the fact that i can't act stupid when im really not. i just thoguht it was fun..but i never knew it would ruin me. from now on im not going to put on an act. its going to be less fun, and im going to be pretty boaring, but atleast it wont be fake. i think i got taht from megan, everyone loved it. i hate hopw people rub badshit off on to you. yoiu cant se how much its really damaging you, and how much it annoys people. i made alot of people hate me, and it makes me so upset. i was so happy when jeff who likes no one loved me. he called me his little sister and cuddled with me (granted we were usually rolling) but it made me feel loved. then all of a sudden i was an idiot and a bitch and unwelcomed. i c an never fix that. he will always think of me as that stupid girlfried his brother had who was a pain in the ass and a baby.
my birhtday is coming up, oh yay, great.awesome. ill probobly end up doing nothing. what the fuck does it matter anyway.
i feel skin stgarved. when you are always alone and no one is there to hug you or kiss you and hold your hand. god im pathetic. i dont NEED someone. i jsut really really really want it. i hate when i get my hopes up about somethign and then it all comes crashing down. i found something out yesterday that made me cry in front of samantha nad cara. it hurts wehn you find something out like that..idk jsut breaks ur heart.
josh keeps telling me to go and jsut sleep wioht some cute boy. i can;t do t aht. id jsut cry n wish it was him. it happend once before, after me and benb were over, he was walking me home and said "youll find siomeone else" and tehn i cried all the way home and slept outside. i started to "like" pete..but i realized that everytime i kissed him, or when he put his arms around me, i rpetended it was ben, thats just wrong ya kno. i dont need a rebound. i feel like hes only saying that because he wants it to be justified so that he can do it. i dont want to beleve it, but u never know.
suddenly everyone wnat to ahve a 3some wiht me. yo fuck that. i like relationships and exclusive sex. i cant sleep with someone unless i have ACTUAL feeling for them, it makes it a million times better. i want someone to say to me "make love to me" , but no, its always just fucking. not like i ahve a problem with that, in the past 7 months ive loved having sex, but i guess im guna have to give it up.
ugh im saying so much shit, there is so much i want tosay, i forgot my diary this week. i was realy happy today, dancing around, laughing, and jsut having fun. it fdelt really good. i hanvet thoguth about anything from home in about 2 days..till now. its really nice to be able to go outside in shorts n flip flops. cigarretes save me, but its so bad,i smoke so much. i really needa stop.
its so cute..mittens sleeps with me every night, ive always wanted a kitty. i miss my freddie, and steph , and eveyone at home. i reallyh wish i had something to go home to, not jsut lonlieness, and the feeling like im this huge fucking waste of life.
water dripped slowly from her tiny tan toes, a splash of crystal water flew through the blue sky that matched her intoxicating eyes. a deep breath she let out slow and exaggerated. lately she had to remind herself to breathe in and out, to keep moving, and get through another pointless endless sorrorful day of tourture. knowing it will fade, but waht to do now? the pain espanded into her heart and drew the blood from inside. inside she was dying, and no one knew, the mask was so prefected and refined. the truth was everywhere there was exasperation, despair, and a popostrious ammount of excruatiating pain. a heart broken is spilled into a shape taht does not resemle a heart at all, it is a jigsaw puzzle until someone comes along to repair it. like a machine she is in need of repair, a new wiring, she just want to be whole again. looking back on when they first met, she cannot excape and she cannot forget, baby you're teh one, you still turn me on, you can make me whole again. time is laying heavy on her heart, it seems there has been so much of it since they've been apart. her frineds make her smile, but only for awhile, he can make her whole again.
no longer will i rely on people to fix me.
i need to fix myself from the inside out.
ill be fucking licky if i et drunk enough to fall asleep.
jsut guna sit and wait for another waste of a day to pass
i really like samantha, i wish i could stgay longer n hang out. she is in the same suitation i was in, but tongiht she fixed it n made it better. i beleve shes a beautiful girl and deserves a lot better, but who am i to say waht people deserve. i honestly believe i deserve a great love. i cant go looking for love "your never going to find it if your looking for it" ugh im guna get sick again tomorrow from drinking this steel reserve shit. i was so fucking drunk last ngiht..then threw up all day and fell asleep for an hour at like 6.
once you give your heart to someone, you never get it back. you get pieces of it because of denial, but it never fully heals. i;ve left pieces of my heart with so many people, but this last time was the biggest. i truly beleived it was going to be a long beautiful thing, and it was, but only for a while. i never got over the fact that i can't act stupid when im really not. i just thoguht it was fun..but i never knew it would ruin me. from now on im not going to put on an act. its going to be less fun, and im going to be pretty boaring, but atleast it wont be fake. i think i got taht from megan, everyone loved it. i hate hopw people rub badshit off on to you. yoiu cant se how much its really damaging you, and how much it annoys people. i made alot of people hate me, and it makes me so upset. i was so happy when jeff who likes no one loved me. he called me his little sister and cuddled with me (granted we were usually rolling) but it made me feel loved. then all of a sudden i was an idiot and a bitch and unwelcomed. i c an never fix that. he will always think of me as that stupid girlfried his brother had who was a pain in the ass and a baby.
my birhtday is coming up, oh yay, great.awesome. ill probobly end up doing nothing. what the fuck does it matter anyway.
i feel skin stgarved. when you are always alone and no one is there to hug you or kiss you and hold your hand. god im pathetic. i dont NEED someone. i jsut really really really want it. i hate when i get my hopes up about somethign and then it all comes crashing down. i found something out yesterday that made me cry in front of samantha nad cara. it hurts wehn you find something out like that..idk jsut breaks ur heart.
josh keeps telling me to go and jsut sleep wioht some cute boy. i can;t do t aht. id jsut cry n wish it was him. it happend once before, after me and benb were over, he was walking me home and said "youll find siomeone else" and tehn i cried all the way home and slept outside. i started to "like" pete..but i realized that everytime i kissed him, or when he put his arms around me, i rpetended it was ben, thats just wrong ya kno. i dont need a rebound. i feel like hes only saying that because he wants it to be justified so that he can do it. i dont want to beleve it, but u never know.
suddenly everyone wnat to ahve a 3some wiht me. yo fuck that. i like relationships and exclusive sex. i cant sleep with someone unless i have ACTUAL feeling for them, it makes it a million times better. i want someone to say to me "make love to me" , but no, its always just fucking. not like i ahve a problem with that, in the past 7 months ive loved having sex, but i guess im guna have to give it up.
ugh im saying so much shit, there is so much i want tosay, i forgot my diary this week. i was realy happy today, dancing around, laughing, and jsut having fun. it fdelt really good. i hanvet thoguth about anything from home in about 2 days..till now. its really nice to be able to go outside in shorts n flip flops. cigarretes save me, but its so bad,i smoke so much. i really needa stop.
its so cute..mittens sleeps with me every night, ive always wanted a kitty. i miss my freddie, and steph , and eveyone at home. i reallyh wish i had something to go home to, not jsut lonlieness, and the feeling like im this huge fucking waste of life.
water dripped slowly from her tiny tan toes, a splash of crystal water flew through the blue sky that matched her intoxicating eyes. a deep breath she let out slow and exaggerated. lately she had to remind herself to breathe in and out, to keep moving, and get through another pointless endless sorrorful day of tourture. knowing it will fade, but waht to do now? the pain espanded into her heart and drew the blood from inside. inside she was dying, and no one knew, the mask was so prefected and refined. the truth was everywhere there was exasperation, despair, and a popostrious ammount of excruatiating pain. a heart broken is spilled into a shape taht does not resemle a heart at all, it is a jigsaw puzzle until someone comes along to repair it. like a machine she is in need of repair, a new wiring, she just want to be whole again. looking back on when they first met, she cannot excape and she cannot forget, baby you're teh one, you still turn me on, you can make me whole again. time is laying heavy on her heart, it seems there has been so much of it since they've been apart. her frineds make her smile, but only for awhile, he can make her whole again.
no longer will i rely on people to fix me.
i need to fix myself from the inside out.
ill be fucking licky if i et drunk enough to fall asleep.
jsut guna sit and wait for another waste of a day to pass