(no subject)
Sometimes I look at my current relationship and wonder I’m in it at all. I can’t stand the things he does. I can’t stand the things he says. He angers me more than anyone else. He makes me wanna crash cars and take pills. But no matter how angry I get, somehow I still love him. I want to leave him though. Why? If I love him, anger shouldn’t matter right? Everyone fights. Well, the reason is because I love him too much. This might not make sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me. I love him too much to see him be who he has become. I know he’s not what he is trying to be. I’ve gotten too close to him and now I expect more from him than I know he could ever give me. I know he doesn’t want something so serious, so committed, but I do. I love him too much to watch him crush my expectations and not know why. I want him to be what he can’t be. What he will never will be. I want to change him too much. I just cant be with someone who can’t be what I want, what I need in someone I spend all my time with. I love him entirely, and unconditionally, but I also have come to the realization that he isn’t what I want. That I wont be content in this relationship. Sure, if you love someone, you love everything about them. But I guess that’s not my case. I love him, but I don’t love how he handles this relationship. I’ve wasted all my energy trying to help him understand how this relationship should work, how to treat your girlfriend, hoe to respect her feelings. But all my effort has done us no good. The shitty part about all this is I’m going to miss a lot of things. I’m going to miss all the times we will sit on the couch with no TV and talk for hours. The times I’d get to see him get so excited about pismo or Halloween. I’ll miss seeing give up on a friend for good, only to watch him call that same friend a week later. I’ll miss when he will try to keep talking when he is so tired he can’t even keep his eyes open. I’ll miss him getting all worked up when we finally move out. I’ll miss his cute pouty voice on the phone from San Diego and he’s home missing me. Sure I’ll miss the laughs, kisses and hugs, but those things don’t matter to me. What matters is that I can’t bare to be mad at him anymore. Not because I hate being upset or I hate fighting, its because I cant bare to sit here and yell and scream at the one I Love the most. I can’t bare to hurt his feeling with words of anger anymore. I’m walking away, because I know I’m going to end up hurting him worse than this will. I don’t want him to see me like he sees the other girls in this life. I’d rather hurt him a little now because he won’t understand why I’m just walking away. But I’d rather he have that image, than one of me being horrible to him. My biggest reason is because, one time when we fought, I saw what I was doing to him. I was yelling, getting mad, and I saw a look in his eyes like, “jes, what are you saying, how can she say that to me. Doesn’t she understand I love her?” I know when I try to leave him, he’s gonna try and make me stay. And I have a feeling I’ll just get frustrated and mad. I hope I don’t say anything I don’t mean in anger that he just wont let me save him from myself.