...i fill the potholes out on Easy Street so show some RESPECT when you look at me...

[hardcorecowboy]

*sigh* well rachel is in NY right now, so it doesnt help that i can't talk to her. she just knows me deeper than anyone else. emme is really close, but she just isn't as vocal about it i guess. i guess not much happened since the last time i updated. i am continually fighting against zac and continually losing. and its not even fighting. hes playing a mind game with me. and the only reason it gets to me is because i am still healing. i am not at my best right now. i can't defend myself while i'm trying to heal from my pain. i just can't multitask like that. and if i could i wouldnt be able to devote 100% of my energies to my defense. id have to split it 50/50 or 60/40 or 70/30, whichever way you choose. leaving me open and vunerable at some point in time. once i am fully healed and there is no longer pain and heartache when i look at her, then i won't be so vunerable. but until then, my hands are kind of tied. i guess all i can do is stretch my patience even thinner than it already is. i just dont know what they want from me. i had a nice discussion with me ma and she said that someone can't be forgiven twice. i forgave zac once. when we talked the first time, a couple days after i found out about this situation. you could say i actually did forgive him again, the second time we talked a month or so after the first time. i'm not doing it again. because both times i did, he took advantage of it and i ended up getting hurt again. so i'm not going to again. he's going to go out on a limb this time. and i dont even care what she does. because she is the absolute ROOT of my pain. zac was just the 5 tons of salt added to the already open wound. amazing the power women have over us. any girls that read this, you have an uncalculated power over men. and some of you know it, some dont. you have the power to get away with things (aka speeding for one example), bat your eyes and get anything you want, and even to turn friends against each other. best friends. inseperable friends. july of this year, me and zac were absolutely inseperable. and now, 3 months later, we are at each other's throats. o yea. 3 months ago i would have never thought zac and i would ever get to this point. we were too close. and now, i am down to my last straw, attemepted to save what little we had left. and i am at the point where he stabbed me in the heart. and to save face, to defend my manhood, my pride, my entire state of being, i am at the point where just walking away and letting it go is no longer cutting it. i have to take a stand sometime. later is better than sooner, but it's cutting very close to the wire. oh yea, one more thing...mystery reader, whoever you may be, please tell me who you are. telling me you know zac me and jen and that you go to lakeville doesnt help me much. please just tell me who you are. and if you do know me, you also will know that i wont get upset if you do tell me. just tell me your name please.

last thing...zac, GO TO HELL.