angst
yeah, so my countdown widget is going...thus i should be packing for va...i'm making life more complicated by spending 5? days in long island...
at this point i still need to:
sweetest response ever: jeremy (12:06:30 PM): OMG YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD TO ASK AND YES
not that i doubt sarah would come with me, more like i want someone there who i can trust to pay attention to me, hold my hand, etc.
in terms of my last post, i couldn't do it. did not deal well with my inability to speak up last night. i was really crushed and mad at myself. still not really eating (and i know that's mostly psychological). it's most frustrating cause i just can't figure out how to start. i'm so scared of what will be said next. i'm starting to wonder if i just need to say it and know the other person won't say/do/expect anything. but maybe no reaction would be worse? i talked with wag some about why he's so damned determined about me speaking up. and he wants something for me i don't want right now, but he's right just speaking up will be so healing. it's really the secrets that kill me.
on the other hand, i did let them draw 3 vials of blood (and then drove home quite lightheaded...apparently the lightheaded hits me 5 minutes after i stand up, good to know!). i think i'm finally getting over my terror of needles. knowing it's connected to all the shit with alex helps. makes it a lot easier to remain calm. also having good, fast phlebotomists helps a lot.
at this point i still need to:
- pack everything
- get my brakes checked out/fixed (i think the abs is acting up)
- negotiate with my mom about my accounts
- get approved to do research at the william floyd estate and complete research (so much for planning...)
- see the gastroentrologist and probably have at least one or two tests done (oh yay!)
sweetest response ever: jeremy (12:06:30 PM): OMG YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD TO ASK AND YES
not that i doubt sarah would come with me, more like i want someone there who i can trust to pay attention to me, hold my hand, etc.
in terms of my last post, i couldn't do it. did not deal well with my inability to speak up last night. i was really crushed and mad at myself. still not really eating (and i know that's mostly psychological). it's most frustrating cause i just can't figure out how to start. i'm so scared of what will be said next. i'm starting to wonder if i just need to say it and know the other person won't say/do/expect anything. but maybe no reaction would be worse? i talked with wag some about why he's so damned determined about me speaking up. and he wants something for me i don't want right now, but he's right just speaking up will be so healing. it's really the secrets that kill me.
on the other hand, i did let them draw 3 vials of blood (and then drove home quite lightheaded...apparently the lightheaded hits me 5 minutes after i stand up, good to know!). i think i'm finally getting over my terror of needles. knowing it's connected to all the shit with alex helps. makes it a lot easier to remain calm. also having good, fast phlebotomists helps a lot.