this is where i am today:
(11:30:20 PM) the quixotic lei: i don't even want to find anyone anymore, seems like i'd just be setting myself up to be let down
(11:30:25 PM) the quixotic lei: but i can't stop looking for some reason either
(11:34:03 PM) smthnclever: setting yourself up for disappointment is (imo) a bad reason to do/not do anything. I would say to just be single for a while to figure out what you can do on your own, but then there's nothing in The Rules that says you have to be single do to that, and if it's not what you want, then there's not a whole lot that can be done about that
(11:34:09 PM) smthnclever: in summary, *shrugs*
(11:36:24 PM) the quixotic lei: it's more about me than all that i think, which is part of the problem
(11:37:34 PM) the quixotic lei: in all likelihood, i'll never have the body i want or look as pretty as i want to no matter how often i go to the rec or how many times i opt for the wheat bread or whatever, and i have a really hard time accepting that
(11:39:26 PM) the quixotic lei: i still work out and i still go for salads, but it's pretty tough to deal with sometimes. i've looked like this for as long as i can remember. and people say it's just society's perception and that everyone is pretty or whatever, and i can repeat those mantras all i want to, but it doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day, when i'm walking down the street, someone who might otherwise be interested in me or whom i might be interested in is still passing me up because i don't look like the calvin klein model on the other side of the street
(11:39:30 PM) the quixotic lei: but at least i can make really long run-ons!
(11:40:30 PM) the quixotic lei: and if i can't love myself for who i am, then how could i ever be comfortable in a stable relationship? how could i ever respect someone who says he loves me?
(11:41:07 PM) the quixotic lei: so that's the real struggle going on here. i'm impatient, i don't feel like waiting another fucking year to feel like i've finally hit some abstract standard of attractiveness - especially when all my hair's just going to fall out the next month anyway
(11:41:41 PM) the quixotic lei: and i recognize that i need to come to terms with my own issues before i settle down with someone, but coming to terms with them just doesn't seem like a realistic goal
(11:41:53 PM) the quixotic lei: and i am not going to plague some innocent soul with my issues like lindsey did me or like my mother did my father
(11:42:33 PM) smthnclever: *nods*
(11:42:45 PM) smthnclever: there should be a website for singles with issues
(11:43:31 PM) smthnclever: so that we can all moan about our inadequacies
(11:43:44 PM) smthnclever: dr. neil clark warren! I'm talking to you!
(11:44:29 PM) the quixotic lei: lol
(11:45:32 PM) smthnclever: all seriousness, though, if someone is shallow enough to reject you flat because of a societal standard for prettiness, could he really have been the kind of guy you want to begin with?
(11:46:24 PM) the quixotic lei: people say that too
(11:46:25 PM) the quixotic lei: but yes!
(11:46:37 PM) smthnclever: not saying you should give up on the rec, btw. you look great, methinks. I didn't want to say anything before because I was paranoid I'd be wrong, but yeah. you look great
(11:46:44 PM) the quixotic lei: because i am shallow. that's why i'm so self-concious
(11:46:58 PM) the quixotic lei: you only think i look great because you knew me when i looked really fucking terrible
(11:47:34 PM) smthnclever: shut up and take the damned compliment
(11:47:39 PM) smthnclever: :)
(11:48:00 PM) the quixotic lei: no!
(11:48:53 PM) smthnclever: you realize that societal standards for prettiness are set specifically to be unattainable, right?
(11:49:28 PM) the quixotic lei: yes
(11:49:43 PM) smthnclever: just making sure
(11:53:15 PM) smthnclever: <3, kiddo
(11:53:22 PM) the quixotic lei: :P
(11:53:58 PM) the quixotic lei: i just don't know what to do anymore
(11:54:39 PM) the quixotic lei: it seems like the best plan is to just ride it out, but i don't want to look back on college and think about how i just hid from everything
(11:55:00 PM) the quixotic lei: which is what i did during middle school and junior high and high school
(11:57:27 PM) the quixotic lei: and hell, then i'll just get desperate and end up with another lindsey anyway
....
(12:07:51 AM) the quixotic lei: oh, and just to ice the cake, i'm wasting my time in a major that i love but that will never bring me fame or fortune financial stability
(12:07:55 AM) the quixotic lei: +or
(12:08:14 AM) smthnclever: at least you've got a major you love ><
(12:08:15 AM) the quixotic lei: AT A FUCKING PARTY SCHOOL
(12:08:20 AM) the quixotic lei: gaaah!
(12:08:39 AM) the quixotic lei: yeah. but all it means is that i get to start out as assistant manager at starbucks
(12:08:45 AM) the quixotic lei: and even then only because i already know how to make a latte
(11:30:25 PM) the quixotic lei: but i can't stop looking for some reason either
(11:34:03 PM) smthnclever: setting yourself up for disappointment is (imo) a bad reason to do/not do anything. I would say to just be single for a while to figure out what you can do on your own, but then there's nothing in The Rules that says you have to be single do to that, and if it's not what you want, then there's not a whole lot that can be done about that
(11:34:09 PM) smthnclever: in summary, *shrugs*
(11:36:24 PM) the quixotic lei: it's more about me than all that i think, which is part of the problem
(11:37:34 PM) the quixotic lei: in all likelihood, i'll never have the body i want or look as pretty as i want to no matter how often i go to the rec or how many times i opt for the wheat bread or whatever, and i have a really hard time accepting that
(11:39:26 PM) the quixotic lei: i still work out and i still go for salads, but it's pretty tough to deal with sometimes. i've looked like this for as long as i can remember. and people say it's just society's perception and that everyone is pretty or whatever, and i can repeat those mantras all i want to, but it doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day, when i'm walking down the street, someone who might otherwise be interested in me or whom i might be interested in is still passing me up because i don't look like the calvin klein model on the other side of the street
(11:39:30 PM) the quixotic lei: but at least i can make really long run-ons!
(11:40:30 PM) the quixotic lei: and if i can't love myself for who i am, then how could i ever be comfortable in a stable relationship? how could i ever respect someone who says he loves me?
(11:41:07 PM) the quixotic lei: so that's the real struggle going on here. i'm impatient, i don't feel like waiting another fucking year to feel like i've finally hit some abstract standard of attractiveness - especially when all my hair's just going to fall out the next month anyway
(11:41:41 PM) the quixotic lei: and i recognize that i need to come to terms with my own issues before i settle down with someone, but coming to terms with them just doesn't seem like a realistic goal
(11:41:53 PM) the quixotic lei: and i am not going to plague some innocent soul with my issues like lindsey did me or like my mother did my father
(11:42:33 PM) smthnclever: *nods*
(11:42:45 PM) smthnclever: there should be a website for singles with issues
(11:43:31 PM) smthnclever: so that we can all moan about our inadequacies
(11:43:44 PM) smthnclever: dr. neil clark warren! I'm talking to you!
(11:44:29 PM) the quixotic lei: lol
(11:45:32 PM) smthnclever: all seriousness, though, if someone is shallow enough to reject you flat because of a societal standard for prettiness, could he really have been the kind of guy you want to begin with?
(11:46:24 PM) the quixotic lei: people say that too
(11:46:25 PM) the quixotic lei: but yes!
(11:46:37 PM) smthnclever: not saying you should give up on the rec, btw. you look great, methinks. I didn't want to say anything before because I was paranoid I'd be wrong, but yeah. you look great
(11:46:44 PM) the quixotic lei: because i am shallow. that's why i'm so self-concious
(11:46:58 PM) the quixotic lei: you only think i look great because you knew me when i looked really fucking terrible
(11:47:34 PM) smthnclever: shut up and take the damned compliment
(11:47:39 PM) smthnclever: :)
(11:48:00 PM) the quixotic lei: no!
(11:48:53 PM) smthnclever: you realize that societal standards for prettiness are set specifically to be unattainable, right?
(11:49:28 PM) the quixotic lei: yes
(11:49:43 PM) smthnclever: just making sure
(11:53:15 PM) smthnclever: <3, kiddo
(11:53:22 PM) the quixotic lei: :P
(11:53:58 PM) the quixotic lei: i just don't know what to do anymore
(11:54:39 PM) the quixotic lei: it seems like the best plan is to just ride it out, but i don't want to look back on college and think about how i just hid from everything
(11:55:00 PM) the quixotic lei: which is what i did during middle school and junior high and high school
(11:57:27 PM) the quixotic lei: and hell, then i'll just get desperate and end up with another lindsey anyway
....
(12:07:51 AM) the quixotic lei: oh, and just to ice the cake, i'm wasting my time in a major that i love but that will never bring me fame or fortune financial stability
(12:07:55 AM) the quixotic lei: +or
(12:08:14 AM) smthnclever: at least you've got a major you love ><
(12:08:15 AM) the quixotic lei: AT A FUCKING PARTY SCHOOL
(12:08:20 AM) the quixotic lei: gaaah!
(12:08:39 AM) the quixotic lei: yeah. but all it means is that i get to start out as assistant manager at starbucks
(12:08:45 AM) the quixotic lei: and even then only because i already know how to make a latte