(no subject)
as much as i would love to inseminate the excess of thought that i am about to display here into a tiny seedling that will grow and nurture itself in your mind, i'm afraid i'll have to do things the old fashioned way.
a series of creepy deja vu events on thursday started a long, cynical thinking spree in the airplane. Checking in, then walking through the concourse and waiting at the gate was depressing being alone. everyone is at the airport, and yet not everyone is. you have soldiers, businesspeople, college kids, families, and anyone else, but they are always missing those other people that are important to them or saying good bye making it incomplete. the lunch was awkward enough, it seemed as if we were finally being stamped off and shipped like some letter or package. sitting in the chairs at the gate, i imagined that this is what we would all be doing in a few months, starting everything over again. as i got on the airplane, i thought about a talk with mr henessey i had. i told him that the only thing about st. louis is the arch, and he said it would be pretty cool if you could go up in it. well i told him that you could, and he was pretty surprised and somewhat excited. you can't blame them, how are you supposed to know those kinds of things from looking at postcards. what looks like just some architectural feat actually has scores of people going through and looking out the little windows. its like looking at an airplane from the ground, like the one i am sitting in. you don't think of the people sitting in the airplane looking out the window, you just see airplane, like it was some person. i think we as people do that with each other alot, we look at people and see the outer shell and skin and dont think about whats inside like we've been there before. yeah its obvious, but my serious failure in approaching people continues to support the fact that i still don't have faith in this concept. we also do it to people we know, and associate their normal behaviour with what they must be feeling now. some recent events have caused me to look at people i know and don't know in a different way, where i don't hold things accountable about them anymore, who knows what the hell they're going through. it was about this time that i noticed the patches of farmland on the ground below, conveniently arranged into little squares to remind me of a scene in a movie i saw. there were two kinds of squares, the open squares and the squares littered with buildings. as time goes on, the open squares get smaller and smaller while the others grow larger, until there is nothing more of the former. i imagined these squares as the days that i had left with my friends. not having open fields to drive by will be a shame in the future. the world will be like one big computer chip. as the buildings close in and colllide, i imagine the squares acting as tectonic plates in the formation of the world, where one will go under the other, making mountains. the buildings will rise taller, while some will go under leaving people behind. this makes the process seem only natural, and i guess it is. maybe its only natural that we must say goodbye to many people we care about during our lives. it would seem natural that we should all just resign to the inevitable and give up to the pointlessness of human existence. except maybe natural is what we shouldn't fucking care about. we will never understand each other, and it would seem then that we shouldn't try. from all of our different experiences and situations that we encounter, we are totally and completely different people inside our heads, the shell, despite the "we all have 2 eyes" bullcrap. it is like one huge probability problem where the choices are endless and the fractions multiplied to the product are huge and stretch forever. looking at everything of someone being in common with another person, the few exceptions would yield a number too small to even care about. when two lovers say they don't have anything in common, that is not an excuse because that applies to everyone of course if love were a thing where more commonalities equals a better relationship. our having nothing in common is the one thing that puts everyone in regards to everyone else. perhaps from this, it is the decimal numbers that follow that determine these things. love is so accidental, who cares. its like getting in a wreck, maybe you could have been looking better but more likely it is just your karma or whatever responding to the environment or aura of others, nothing you can do. its futile. speaking of which, doesn't professions like mapmaking seem pointless at this point? everything is figured out, or figured out to the point where it doesnt matter any more. i feel that this is what society has come to in general. we've evolved and refined to the point where nothing matters anymore, we just live and die and there isn't any miracles anywhere. i think the only thing that really matters and makes a difference is influence. influence of the mind. it is the much superior form of persusasion to things like money or force, which i believe has taken over completely. i sometimes wish i would have gotten things a lot sooner or someone would have told me in the first place. however, then society merely funnels into the wills of a select few people. not everyone has the same things to "get", and therefore it must be aquired in relation to time, coincidence, and preparation. so when people say "we are doing this because we know whats best for you," they are lying. they don't know whats best for you and they aren't doing it for you because of that. the best thing for anyone to do is to both figure out what is best for yourself and then do it, dont have someone else do it. damn shit. i dont know anymore. everything's just like a bad dream that i can't wake up from. though, i met this girl named kya at wash u and am comforted in the fact that people can seek safety in another person for their entire lives. oh, and i want to fly. crap, forgive me, i just started to type because i needed to figure some stuff out, but i dont want to erase it because it took awhile and is the trail to some thinking. so in the promotion of total honesty among everyone, i hereby click submit.
a series of creepy deja vu events on thursday started a long, cynical thinking spree in the airplane. Checking in, then walking through the concourse and waiting at the gate was depressing being alone. everyone is at the airport, and yet not everyone is. you have soldiers, businesspeople, college kids, families, and anyone else, but they are always missing those other people that are important to them or saying good bye making it incomplete. the lunch was awkward enough, it seemed as if we were finally being stamped off and shipped like some letter or package. sitting in the chairs at the gate, i imagined that this is what we would all be doing in a few months, starting everything over again. as i got on the airplane, i thought about a talk with mr henessey i had. i told him that the only thing about st. louis is the arch, and he said it would be pretty cool if you could go up in it. well i told him that you could, and he was pretty surprised and somewhat excited. you can't blame them, how are you supposed to know those kinds of things from looking at postcards. what looks like just some architectural feat actually has scores of people going through and looking out the little windows. its like looking at an airplane from the ground, like the one i am sitting in. you don't think of the people sitting in the airplane looking out the window, you just see airplane, like it was some person. i think we as people do that with each other alot, we look at people and see the outer shell and skin and dont think about whats inside like we've been there before. yeah its obvious, but my serious failure in approaching people continues to support the fact that i still don't have faith in this concept. we also do it to people we know, and associate their normal behaviour with what they must be feeling now. some recent events have caused me to look at people i know and don't know in a different way, where i don't hold things accountable about them anymore, who knows what the hell they're going through. it was about this time that i noticed the patches of farmland on the ground below, conveniently arranged into little squares to remind me of a scene in a movie i saw. there were two kinds of squares, the open squares and the squares littered with buildings. as time goes on, the open squares get smaller and smaller while the others grow larger, until there is nothing more of the former. i imagined these squares as the days that i had left with my friends. not having open fields to drive by will be a shame in the future. the world will be like one big computer chip. as the buildings close in and colllide, i imagine the squares acting as tectonic plates in the formation of the world, where one will go under the other, making mountains. the buildings will rise taller, while some will go under leaving people behind. this makes the process seem only natural, and i guess it is. maybe its only natural that we must say goodbye to many people we care about during our lives. it would seem natural that we should all just resign to the inevitable and give up to the pointlessness of human existence. except maybe natural is what we shouldn't fucking care about. we will never understand each other, and it would seem then that we shouldn't try. from all of our different experiences and situations that we encounter, we are totally and completely different people inside our heads, the shell, despite the "we all have 2 eyes" bullcrap. it is like one huge probability problem where the choices are endless and the fractions multiplied to the product are huge and stretch forever. looking at everything of someone being in common with another person, the few exceptions would yield a number too small to even care about. when two lovers say they don't have anything in common, that is not an excuse because that applies to everyone of course if love were a thing where more commonalities equals a better relationship. our having nothing in common is the one thing that puts everyone in regards to everyone else. perhaps from this, it is the decimal numbers that follow that determine these things. love is so accidental, who cares. its like getting in a wreck, maybe you could have been looking better but more likely it is just your karma or whatever responding to the environment or aura of others, nothing you can do. its futile. speaking of which, doesn't professions like mapmaking seem pointless at this point? everything is figured out, or figured out to the point where it doesnt matter any more. i feel that this is what society has come to in general. we've evolved and refined to the point where nothing matters anymore, we just live and die and there isn't any miracles anywhere. i think the only thing that really matters and makes a difference is influence. influence of the mind. it is the much superior form of persusasion to things like money or force, which i believe has taken over completely. i sometimes wish i would have gotten things a lot sooner or someone would have told me in the first place. however, then society merely funnels into the wills of a select few people. not everyone has the same things to "get", and therefore it must be aquired in relation to time, coincidence, and preparation. so when people say "we are doing this because we know whats best for you," they are lying. they don't know whats best for you and they aren't doing it for you because of that. the best thing for anyone to do is to both figure out what is best for yourself and then do it, dont have someone else do it. damn shit. i dont know anymore. everything's just like a bad dream that i can't wake up from. though, i met this girl named kya at wash u and am comforted in the fact that people can seek safety in another person for their entire lives. oh, and i want to fly. crap, forgive me, i just started to type because i needed to figure some stuff out, but i dont want to erase it because it took awhile and is the trail to some thinking. so in the promotion of total honesty among everyone, i hereby click submit.