(no subject)
life is sad n dysfunctional around these here parts of south side berkeley. ma got home finally yesterday, is now spending all her time in her room with the door closed and the blinds shut. she tells me on an hourly basis "to stop running [her] life" and insists that if i am to continue such behavior, she will lock herself in her room forever. we have a terrible relationship now and i am not optimistic about her healing or her survival; i am not very sure what role i am to play in all of this as she resents me greatly. no summer plans, all of my friends are traveling already and i am so so so jealous. i want to be 23. i want some kind of future. nothing on the horizon but staying in this house for more than 2 hours makes me crazy n' sad; how am i supposed to last any longer here? a converted stoner schoolbus (actually property of a punkhouse several blocks away from MY house in oakland) was parked in front of my mom's house for several hours yesterday--full of traveling punk kids on their way to be cooks at the rainbow gathering and then at burning man. they invited me in the bus, we smoked spliffs together, they called me funny names like "sister" and "mama" and one of my favorite of them told me to savor these last days i have with my mom. if i just bounce and let her be i will be totally fucked up after she passes, resent myself for life. it's hard to think on that wavelength; my mom is trying her hardest to push me out, wants to kick me out of her home and resents anyone for telling her to stop drinking. she isn't drinking hopefully (cleared everything out of the house, someone took the car away) but i am worried. there is a nice guatemalan nurse here until tuesday--she is going to make us pupusas tonight and thinks mom just needs to eat. having her around is acting as damage control i guess for worse fights. ugh. i skipped out yesterday to go to picket the arizona diamonbacks at the sf stadium yesterday (intense, sun dehydration, felt slightly guilty being away from mom for that long) and hang out with friends--when i got back at 11 pm, the converted schoolbus was already gone. i sort of miss it.