Ammendment to previous post
Except for Josh, Rosie, Ang, Jake, David, Brian, JJ & Sarah(except I am still mad at them for showing Josh the pictures), Wease, TK, Laura, Mom, Dad, Brian, Morganne, Nick, Ben, Kathleen, Erik, Adam, Ok, so I guess the only people I really HATE right now are Stephanie, John and Jarrod. Man they fucking piss me off. Jarrod because he never shuts the fuck up, and John because he thinks he can have me, and fucking Stephanie because she is such a goddamned phsyco, and I just want to fucking take her by the hair and scream in her face that no one ruins her life except for her and that if she would grow the fuck up then she would be able to do things for herself. I told her the fucking parameters and she couldn't fucking live by them and I will be goddamned if I even let her into my house ever a fucking gain. I swear to god I just want to kick her in the nuts right now. How dare she fucking act like that. Gaddamn, Over a fucking phone call. Fucking Christ I am just so fucking disappointed right now. And the best part is it wasn't even Brian on the phone with Ang it was mom. You know she could have had a place to stay and food, and a ride to work, but she had to fucking blow it not to mention put a gaddamned hole in the fucking wall. I swear to God it took all I had not to pick her dumb fucking ass up and throw her out the fucking door.
On the other side of life, the sane side. Wease and I are going out this saturday and I am going to try to help him become more comfortable around women. Josh is going to help to. I was worried about it, because I was talking to Wease online and Josh on the phone and I had voiced some concerns to Josh about Wease, and Josh so totally was like hey let me help to, and I just kinda feel happy that Josh is kind like that to talk to a total stranger and give him the good advice. Because I am not a guy, contrary to popular belief and know nothing about the whole guy to guy aspect of advice of that nature. Plus by nature I am shy too, so sometimes it is hard to be blunt. Especially with Wease, but I am finally done crushing on him, I got it over with, thank God. But I know that if I am shy then he is a million times worse than I am, because he is just so damned....Oh I just got an idea, When we go out this saturday night-even though I should be packing for the move - I will first of all prepare him by making him pretend he doesn't know me, and then get a rough idea for how he would approach a girl he didn't know, and then be able to give him pointers. And definitely he should stay away from practical jokes...>:) And Josh said next time he comes into town we are all going to go up to Fort Wayne so we can all go club together, and Josh can teach him how to approach a girl. I think on this saturday night we will just work on him talking to girls. He has agreed to do anything Josh and I say towards how he needs to go about it. And Josh was right, Wease needs to stop phsyc-ing himself out. Actually both of us(he more than I)need to stop listening so much to our brains when they start on that self doubt mode. I can't speak for Wease, but you know most of the time no, I could care less about looking a way for other people, because I like the way I am, at least clothed. So for my own reasons and not for anyone else, I will change that when I want to, and yeah so I am no Cindy Crawford, but I don't even look that bad naked. And you know what I have a damned good mind and spirit as well, and anyone who can't look past physical aspects is not worth me. It feels wrong, but I think for the rest of the week or at the very least for the next couple of days I am really going to try out this self confidence thing. Not like major ego trip or anything, but just assertive in my sexiness, and intelligence, and passion. Because I don't care how weird certain people...mainly John...think I am when talking about things that really get me going. Fuck them, I will be as excited as I want, and I will continue to bear my soul though the things that I love. He said I was weird for the way I describe music. How could anyone just hear something so totally amazing that it sends shivers down their spine, brings them near tears, or gets them so energetic that they just have to get up and move to it, and the only description they can muster is "eh it's alright" Where is the passion? Where is the life and joy? Music is made out of love for the art, and that is what it is. It is the true mastery of science and expression. It is the culmination of mathematics, emotion, and in some cases language. And yet it is a language of its own. And some people just never even take the chance to truly learn it. hmmmmmm.
And to make music is even more freeing than listening. Even if is just bringing a new harmony to a song that is already done. God I think if I had one wish that I could have it would be to be skilled enough to play any instrument with ease and to be able to write more than just single line melodies. Damn if I were ever to write a tune, orchestrate it and play it I would die. Why do people seems to rush by all the beauty that life offers. There is so much more that people could see if they took the time and opened their eyes to the real world that is out there, and more than just pictures and parks. The beauty of seeing a grandmother walking hand in hand with her young granddaughter, a kitten worn out from playing pounce with its brothers and sister, Flowers that grow in the middle of a cement median. There is a lot of tragedy and hardship, but even through that people still love and care for each other. Although it seems to be less important in today's society, people still do it everyday. I really would love to be able to help people and give to them so that maybe they would in turn give to others, and maybe just maybe the world really could become a better place for our children. Wishful thinking I imagine as it seems our society and way of life is in its decline. I fear for the future and how life will be for future generations as people focus more only on themselves rather the good of the community or family for that matter. Will people ever see they are letting fear rule their lives? And because of the fears they have and the mores they hold dear they are stripping themselves ever so slowly of the rights and freedoms that people fought and died for for over 200 years? I don't like guns, and in the wrong hands are certainly dangerous, but I would never vote for a ban on guns. And what about the job state. How can people think it is alright for American companies to send their jobs to Mexico and India just so they can get cheaper labor and make more profit. Maybe instead of our motto being "In God we trust" One would think it should be, "In the almighty buck we trust, screw all you all, as long as we get more money than everyone else"
And so far Josh is still really amazingly great.
And I started this mess of a rant at like 4:30, but just had to be away for about fifteen minutes or so...
On the other side of life, the sane side. Wease and I are going out this saturday and I am going to try to help him become more comfortable around women. Josh is going to help to. I was worried about it, because I was talking to Wease online and Josh on the phone and I had voiced some concerns to Josh about Wease, and Josh so totally was like hey let me help to, and I just kinda feel happy that Josh is kind like that to talk to a total stranger and give him the good advice. Because I am not a guy, contrary to popular belief and know nothing about the whole guy to guy aspect of advice of that nature. Plus by nature I am shy too, so sometimes it is hard to be blunt. Especially with Wease, but I am finally done crushing on him, I got it over with, thank God. But I know that if I am shy then he is a million times worse than I am, because he is just so damned....Oh I just got an idea, When we go out this saturday night-even though I should be packing for the move - I will first of all prepare him by making him pretend he doesn't know me, and then get a rough idea for how he would approach a girl he didn't know, and then be able to give him pointers. And definitely he should stay away from practical jokes...>:) And Josh said next time he comes into town we are all going to go up to Fort Wayne so we can all go club together, and Josh can teach him how to approach a girl. I think on this saturday night we will just work on him talking to girls. He has agreed to do anything Josh and I say towards how he needs to go about it. And Josh was right, Wease needs to stop phsyc-ing himself out. Actually both of us(he more than I)need to stop listening so much to our brains when they start on that self doubt mode. I can't speak for Wease, but you know most of the time no, I could care less about looking a way for other people, because I like the way I am, at least clothed. So for my own reasons and not for anyone else, I will change that when I want to, and yeah so I am no Cindy Crawford, but I don't even look that bad naked. And you know what I have a damned good mind and spirit as well, and anyone who can't look past physical aspects is not worth me. It feels wrong, but I think for the rest of the week or at the very least for the next couple of days I am really going to try out this self confidence thing. Not like major ego trip or anything, but just assertive in my sexiness, and intelligence, and passion. Because I don't care how weird certain people...mainly John...think I am when talking about things that really get me going. Fuck them, I will be as excited as I want, and I will continue to bear my soul though the things that I love. He said I was weird for the way I describe music. How could anyone just hear something so totally amazing that it sends shivers down their spine, brings them near tears, or gets them so energetic that they just have to get up and move to it, and the only description they can muster is "eh it's alright" Where is the passion? Where is the life and joy? Music is made out of love for the art, and that is what it is. It is the true mastery of science and expression. It is the culmination of mathematics, emotion, and in some cases language. And yet it is a language of its own. And some people just never even take the chance to truly learn it. hmmmmmm.
And to make music is even more freeing than listening. Even if is just bringing a new harmony to a song that is already done. God I think if I had one wish that I could have it would be to be skilled enough to play any instrument with ease and to be able to write more than just single line melodies. Damn if I were ever to write a tune, orchestrate it and play it I would die. Why do people seems to rush by all the beauty that life offers. There is so much more that people could see if they took the time and opened their eyes to the real world that is out there, and more than just pictures and parks. The beauty of seeing a grandmother walking hand in hand with her young granddaughter, a kitten worn out from playing pounce with its brothers and sister, Flowers that grow in the middle of a cement median. There is a lot of tragedy and hardship, but even through that people still love and care for each other. Although it seems to be less important in today's society, people still do it everyday. I really would love to be able to help people and give to them so that maybe they would in turn give to others, and maybe just maybe the world really could become a better place for our children. Wishful thinking I imagine as it seems our society and way of life is in its decline. I fear for the future and how life will be for future generations as people focus more only on themselves rather the good of the community or family for that matter. Will people ever see they are letting fear rule their lives? And because of the fears they have and the mores they hold dear they are stripping themselves ever so slowly of the rights and freedoms that people fought and died for for over 200 years? I don't like guns, and in the wrong hands are certainly dangerous, but I would never vote for a ban on guns. And what about the job state. How can people think it is alright for American companies to send their jobs to Mexico and India just so they can get cheaper labor and make more profit. Maybe instead of our motto being "In God we trust" One would think it should be, "In the almighty buck we trust, screw all you all, as long as we get more money than everyone else"
And so far Josh is still really amazingly great.
And I started this mess of a rant at like 4:30, but just had to be away for about fifteen minutes or so...