If wishes were pies...
This is going to turn into a rant. I'm not cutting it, because I'm tired of worrying about offending people. If you don't want to read it, then don't. I also use the word 'fuck' a lot. Deal.
I wish I were braver. I wish there wasn't a fucking need to sit everyone I know down and explain everything before people start using the right fucking pronouns. I'm tired of coming out, and I haven't even done a lot of it. I just feel like I shouldn't have to. Why do I have to explain myself? Why do I have to limit myself to words, labels? Why do people have to assume? I'm just so fucking frustrated at everything right now. I wish there was a way that everyone could just know in a great pile of group-knowingness. I wish I knew the words to say. I wish it wasn't so fucking complicated.
I hate being in the middle. I hate being afraid of what people think, and sure, what should I care? But we can say all we like about how we're not afraid of what people think; at the end of the day we still are. And I can know without a shadow of a doubt that I have nothing to be afraid of and everyone's going to be fine about it and probably give me hugs or whatever. Offer more people I can talk to who've gone through the same thing. (What am I supposed to say to them? How would that not be ten sorts of awkward? ['so...what about that trans-ness...es...?']) But I'll still be afraid to bring it up, to correct them or whatever. It doesn't matter.
I'm still not used to even saying anything anyway. I only found out in freaking January. It took me over a year to admit I like girls. Granted I wasn't in the most accepting environment at the time, but still. I think I've done pretty well in the whole 'not going completely stark raving mad' department.
ugh. I can't think straight anymore.
I want to do something. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being afraid.
I wish I were braver. I wish there wasn't a fucking need to sit everyone I know down and explain everything before people start using the right fucking pronouns. I'm tired of coming out, and I haven't even done a lot of it. I just feel like I shouldn't have to. Why do I have to explain myself? Why do I have to limit myself to words, labels? Why do people have to assume? I'm just so fucking frustrated at everything right now. I wish there was a way that everyone could just know in a great pile of group-knowingness. I wish I knew the words to say. I wish it wasn't so fucking complicated.
I hate being in the middle. I hate being afraid of what people think, and sure, what should I care? But we can say all we like about how we're not afraid of what people think; at the end of the day we still are. And I can know without a shadow of a doubt that I have nothing to be afraid of and everyone's going to be fine about it and probably give me hugs or whatever. Offer more people I can talk to who've gone through the same thing. (What am I supposed to say to them? How would that not be ten sorts of awkward? ['so...what about that trans-ness...es...?']) But I'll still be afraid to bring it up, to correct them or whatever. It doesn't matter.
I'm still not used to even saying anything anyway. I only found out in freaking January. It took me over a year to admit I like girls. Granted I wasn't in the most accepting environment at the time, but still. I think I've done pretty well in the whole 'not going completely stark raving mad' department.
ugh. I can't think straight anymore.
I want to do something. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being afraid.