(no subject)
I should be sleeping
but I just can't seem to shake the realities of the evening. Thoughts racing through my mind. And I don't cry very often. But tonight, I cried. Tangling with thoughts that make me feel physically ill. The realities of time and life and death. It's the thought of my parents growing older, or noticing a new wrinkle on my realtives' faces with each passing holiday, or my peers passing away. And it's not really about her...and I don't pretend that she was ever nice to me, as I was never nice to her. We were rivals throughout middle school and high school- insulting one another when we had the chance. But people loved her. I can't stop thinking about the look of ultimate terror on her mother's face when she found out - or her little sister's scream when she found out. And it makes me feel sick. I feel sick. And it's more than just feeling sympathetic...it's the sick feeling of reality setting in. That life really is precious. And we can lose anyone at anytime. Life is growth and death.
Karen said she felt guilty. I don't feel guilty. I feel sad about the tradgedy. I feel sickened when I think of her family's loss. I feel fearful for my own life and the lives of the ones I love. But mostly, I feel this tremendous sense of awareness.
but I just can't seem to shake the realities of the evening. Thoughts racing through my mind. And I don't cry very often. But tonight, I cried. Tangling with thoughts that make me feel physically ill. The realities of time and life and death. It's the thought of my parents growing older, or noticing a new wrinkle on my realtives' faces with each passing holiday, or my peers passing away. And it's not really about her...and I don't pretend that she was ever nice to me, as I was never nice to her. We were rivals throughout middle school and high school- insulting one another when we had the chance. But people loved her. I can't stop thinking about the look of ultimate terror on her mother's face when she found out - or her little sister's scream when she found out. And it makes me feel sick. I feel sick. And it's more than just feeling sympathetic...it's the sick feeling of reality setting in. That life really is precious. And we can lose anyone at anytime. Life is growth and death.
Karen said she felt guilty. I don't feel guilty. I feel sad about the tradgedy. I feel sickened when I think of her family's loss. I feel fearful for my own life and the lives of the ones I love. But mostly, I feel this tremendous sense of awareness.