(no subject)

[happymisogynist]

it's not getting any easier.. and really i think it should somehow all hurt a little less now.. but it isn't. everyone has been telling me and noticing that i seem to be confused..to be out of it.. to stare off into space while they sit there with me like i'm in a room by myself..and i can't help but agree. the chest pains suck too i might add. i know what i'm thinking.. but i don't know how to express that to most people. i see where things are within life..and the worries creep in.. the thoughts won't disappear of you and it all seems pointless to ramble about everything bothering me. it's amazing who sees the pain in my eyes though..and who walks by unaware of the entire situation..or who talks to me and thinks that i'm just being crazy for the time being. it's odd to think about who i've really opened up to about this because by far, they are the two least expected people based on the circumstances. one thing is for certain, distractions that people think should "do the trick" are merely a quick fix in their mind that i humor them to think that it may have worked and helped.. in the long run, i sit there with my eyes staring at the wall waiting for them to leave me the hell alone and just deal with this on my own.

another thing for certain is that i could lose a nice 10 pounds..and get more sleep..and work less.