Am I not a Hero...
There was no great light, no grand fanfare. I found myself alone and sitting in the darkness. My mind swelled with confusion as I listened to whispered murmurings all around. There seemed no rhyme nor reason to the voices. I tried even harder to discern where they were coming from, but they were all encompassing surrounding me.
Was this hell? Am I being damned for my past transgressions? Did nothing that I have tried to do mean anything? It was I who wanted to change. It was I who wanted to be a better man and love and put past all I had done. I sacrificed my life for Buffy, for the world. Did none of that mean anything? Was my soul lost for good? Am I too lay here and suffer in isolation for eternity?
Grabbing on to my ears I screamed out, "Stop this bloody madness! Stop!"
The murmurings increased and I felt as if my ears would bleed. I felt my head spin and I prayed that it would just explode and end this pain.
A bellowing voice boomed in my head, "It is undecided what to do with you."
"Oh bloody hell...." I stood up with my hands clenched into fists screaming, "Undecided?!?"
"There is debate if you are worthy enough to be free of eternal suffering. You lost your soul and relished in destruction. Those actions cannot be forgotten by some...." The voice carried on in a monotone.
Falling to my knees, I slammed my fists to the ground, "but that is not who I became, who I chose to be. Can you not see that?"
Ignoring my pleas the voice droned on, "...A compromise has been decided upon. You will be given a second chance."
I am sure if my heart could beat it would be racing, as I grew nervous wondering what kind of compromise these beings were coming too. A part of me wanted to tell them, there wil be no compromise, don't play games with my life. My life is not theirs to control and manipulate. Why can't they just set me free?
"You will be sent back without your soul. If you can make the right decisions again, then you will be free and honored as a hero and be our champion." The Powers the be annouced to me.
A scream came from me that even shocked me, for a moment I was watching myself crumble in frustration, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do not do this to me!" a rage deep in my soul stirred, "I CHOSE to be a hero. I CHOSE to have my soul back. This was not a curse shoved upon me to suffer. I wanted to be a better man or vampire or whatever the hell I am. But I CHOSE this and went through the trials. Have I not suffered enough? Do not make me go through that again."
The darkness errupted in loud discussion, all mumbled together. I stood there defiantly unable to make out what the voices were saying to each other.
"We had not counted on your reaction to be so. Why is it do you feel so strongly?"
I couldn't believe they were even asking. Did I not just tell them why? Instead of being rational and not do something to piss them off, I opened my mouth, "Fuck you all! Just fuck you all. I told you why. Don't you ever listen? Have I not proven to you or anyone that I am changed, that I chose this. I wanted my soul. WANTED my soul. If you insist on sending me back let me prove to you that I am changed with my soul intact."
Their voices began again, obviosuly talking amongst themselves before they answered me. I tried not to be nervous waiting. All of this seemed unreal , impossbile really. Buffy had mentioned an afterlife of peace and happiness. Yes Buffy my thoughts went straight to her. She had given me a reason to live. She was an example of a true hero, I wanted to be like her. Her passion and drive, are what I fell in love with.
Breaking my thoughts I heard the voice again, "Your thoughts revert to the slayer. They often are clouded with her. We wanted to see if you could live your life and chose again, without her. Without her being the inflence. We need to know if you could make such a decision without your mind being swayed by this love you have for her."
I felt my eyes widen in shock and disbelief, "Damn you, damn you all!" my thrust fist through in the air wishing to strike them, "Is love not a good enough motivation to change. Is love not what this world needs? Is it wrong to want to be better because you can love and don't want to hurt others? How dare you be all high and mighty to me, hiding yourselves and preaching to me what is a true and proper intent to be better."
"You are bold, vampire. You have stood up to us with your demands. It is clear that you have strong feelings on the matter and are wlling to prove to us that you deserve a second chance. We had no intention of giving you, your soul back."
Their words left me enraged and numb. Was there any hope fo them coming to another compromise? Then a bit of relief filled me as I continued to listen to them, "However we can and have changed our mind. Be our champion, Spike and return to earth. As you have requested your soul will remain intact. You will be sent to Los Angeles. Find Angel and begin your new journey."
With that I was left in silence, standing in the room alone. Find Angel? Why would they send me to him? Where was Buffy? I wondered if she would want to see me again. Were her last words to me sincere or just said to try to make me feel better about what I had chosen to do?
I stood there feeling like I was being pulled away. I closed my eyes and waited wondering where in L.A. I was going to end up.
Was this hell? Am I being damned for my past transgressions? Did nothing that I have tried to do mean anything? It was I who wanted to change. It was I who wanted to be a better man and love and put past all I had done. I sacrificed my life for Buffy, for the world. Did none of that mean anything? Was my soul lost for good? Am I too lay here and suffer in isolation for eternity?
Grabbing on to my ears I screamed out, "Stop this bloody madness! Stop!"
The murmurings increased and I felt as if my ears would bleed. I felt my head spin and I prayed that it would just explode and end this pain.
A bellowing voice boomed in my head, "It is undecided what to do with you."
"Oh bloody hell...." I stood up with my hands clenched into fists screaming, "Undecided?!?"
"There is debate if you are worthy enough to be free of eternal suffering. You lost your soul and relished in destruction. Those actions cannot be forgotten by some...." The voice carried on in a monotone.
Falling to my knees, I slammed my fists to the ground, "but that is not who I became, who I chose to be. Can you not see that?"
Ignoring my pleas the voice droned on, "...A compromise has been decided upon. You will be given a second chance."
I am sure if my heart could beat it would be racing, as I grew nervous wondering what kind of compromise these beings were coming too. A part of me wanted to tell them, there wil be no compromise, don't play games with my life. My life is not theirs to control and manipulate. Why can't they just set me free?
"You will be sent back without your soul. If you can make the right decisions again, then you will be free and honored as a hero and be our champion." The Powers the be annouced to me.
A scream came from me that even shocked me, for a moment I was watching myself crumble in frustration, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do not do this to me!" a rage deep in my soul stirred, "I CHOSE to be a hero. I CHOSE to have my soul back. This was not a curse shoved upon me to suffer. I wanted to be a better man or vampire or whatever the hell I am. But I CHOSE this and went through the trials. Have I not suffered enough? Do not make me go through that again."
The darkness errupted in loud discussion, all mumbled together. I stood there defiantly unable to make out what the voices were saying to each other.
"We had not counted on your reaction to be so. Why is it do you feel so strongly?"
I couldn't believe they were even asking. Did I not just tell them why? Instead of being rational and not do something to piss them off, I opened my mouth, "Fuck you all! Just fuck you all. I told you why. Don't you ever listen? Have I not proven to you or anyone that I am changed, that I chose this. I wanted my soul. WANTED my soul. If you insist on sending me back let me prove to you that I am changed with my soul intact."
Their voices began again, obviosuly talking amongst themselves before they answered me. I tried not to be nervous waiting. All of this seemed unreal , impossbile really. Buffy had mentioned an afterlife of peace and happiness. Yes Buffy my thoughts went straight to her. She had given me a reason to live. She was an example of a true hero, I wanted to be like her. Her passion and drive, are what I fell in love with.
Breaking my thoughts I heard the voice again, "Your thoughts revert to the slayer. They often are clouded with her. We wanted to see if you could live your life and chose again, without her. Without her being the inflence. We need to know if you could make such a decision without your mind being swayed by this love you have for her."
I felt my eyes widen in shock and disbelief, "Damn you, damn you all!" my thrust fist through in the air wishing to strike them, "Is love not a good enough motivation to change. Is love not what this world needs? Is it wrong to want to be better because you can love and don't want to hurt others? How dare you be all high and mighty to me, hiding yourselves and preaching to me what is a true and proper intent to be better."
"You are bold, vampire. You have stood up to us with your demands. It is clear that you have strong feelings on the matter and are wlling to prove to us that you deserve a second chance. We had no intention of giving you, your soul back."
Their words left me enraged and numb. Was there any hope fo them coming to another compromise? Then a bit of relief filled me as I continued to listen to them, "However we can and have changed our mind. Be our champion, Spike and return to earth. As you have requested your soul will remain intact. You will be sent to Los Angeles. Find Angel and begin your new journey."
With that I was left in silence, standing in the room alone. Find Angel? Why would they send me to him? Where was Buffy? I wondered if she would want to see me again. Were her last words to me sincere or just said to try to make me feel better about what I had chosen to do?
I stood there feeling like I was being pulled away. I closed my eyes and waited wondering where in L.A. I was going to end up.