And I Find Myself
snuggling against my toddler's son breast during bedtime tonight so as to make him feel 'bigger'. He stroked my head and held me so tight. Well, truthfully, I was desperately needing a hug. Lately, I've been feeling ground in clockwork despite the fact I'm supposed to be on a sabbatical...:) It's the writing, the adjustment, the difficulties and my tenacity which is exhausting me. However, I try to take it all in good strides. But there is more... always is...
Anyhow, he looked at me and said: "Mommy, are you happy? Are you angry at me?" I looked at him, and wanted to choke on those words. He is only 2 years and 10 months..... only...
And of course it's with no surprise that he said to me earlier this evening "good for you, Mommy" when I successfully managed to lift the puzzle pieces he was working on with his daddy over the weekend.
And it's with no secret I write that he's always been on the percocious side. I'm just so sad I wasn't able to nurture him better or be a decent mommy (more loving) especially during the last eight or nine months.
It is THESE moments I need to train myself to appreciate and treasure more, but sadly, I get distracted especially by the events below.
Edited to add:
The irony of it all: My stepmother and father are now in Maryland visiting My Aunt Lil and Uncle Ed, which I have only learned on Saturday night. (They have been traveling in North America starting a month ago with a cruise to Alaska celebrating my stepmother's retirement from the United Nations and they anniversary)
Anyhow, I spoke with a very voiceless stepmother and I understandingly shared with her my sympathy. She always seems to get very sick every time she flies from Israel to the States due to allergies. Initially, I felt very hurt as she did not communicate this new piece of information to me when I called them a week ago when they were in California visiting my brother and Aunt there too. I kept thinking about myself and how utterly uncared for I felt, and then reached out to write and feel strength on LJ two days later. I know that via words, this is the only way I can heal myself.
I realize this may be too open for some to read and I apologize in advance but I need to vent. I need to write so that my emotions don't get the better of me and I don't land on a wet pillow.
I also realize that there are many years of family history and events that is also part of this feeling. I guess everybody has his/her dirty socks.
They are only a three-four hour drive away. Why not make the effort to see a sweet little gingy who seems to steal every sranger's heart away???? Is that too much to ask??
Surely my stepmother (whom I have known since age 12 and have a very good relationship with) and father know our new evolving circumstances, Ivry's adjustment to the daycare, and Haim's new job. (He can't just take off and leave) I couldn't help but question on and on in my mind: isn't it important for grandparents to see their grandson knowing that it might be some months before they see him again and then who knows?
Anyhow, Final Thoughts Before Heading to Bed...
1) I guess there will be always things in life that I will never grow to understand, but must accept them as is.
2) I may be my parents' daughter, but I am my own person.
3) I may just cross post this in parents survive where the issue is also pertinent, but I haven't got the strength just yet.
4) Sometimes friends care more than one's own family.
5) Sometimes I feel terribly, terribly alone but I know I am NOT alone.