I had a good weekend. Please read and comment. Remember back in the day when people actually did!?
I'm not rereading or editing this post. So it's me in my rawest form, typing-wise.
I wanna start by mentioning that I had a mostly smooth weekend. So that rules.
That out of the way, I also want to say that I've been dually feeling an immense feeling of sadness. I more or less know why I'm feeling that way. Let's start by saying that my girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. Her reasoning being that we never hang out anymore, and because it seems as though I've lost interest in her.
And even though I hate admitting this, she's right. Period. She's an awesome girl--she's pretty, smart, focused and chill--most of the times; but I felt as though I could never really garner feelings of love towards her and I felt as though when our "true colors" started to show, I didn't really want to deal with hers. And usually I'm willing to compromise, but I just stopped liking her. It's safe to say that we somewhat clicked, yeah... but we didn't click, haha. There's a difference! I just didn't really see the relationship going anywhere, and I felt that my eyes were way too easily distracted by other women. This being really bad because most of the times, when I'm with a significant other, she usually has my full attention.
I doubt there's much that she could've done to captivate me to the point where I would be head over heels. And the reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because I feel like a jerk for even dating her. For I already knew how I felt about her. And I just feel like an asshole because I really broke this girls heart. She was craazy into me; and I in a small sense led her on.
Now, I've been put in a position like this in the past, so I speak from experience. And it sucks to know that you can never fit every part of your significant other's heart. And for a span of a few months (or until you meet someone else), you feel stupid, ugly, unattractive and as though you have some handicap. Your ego is totally crushed. And I know that she's on the receiving end of all of this. So I just feel like a total jerk. I think I'm going to apologize to her tomorrow. I feel really bad. She was crying when she said that we were over.
I think the reason why I dated her was because I knew that I could make her fall in love with me. My reasoning behind that being that I long to deeply fall in love with someone and have her reciprocate the same feelings. And I felt that with her I would have been able to have her emulate the feelings I wanted. Even if I didn't really feel everything I was saying or doing. I was going to these great lengths because I remember a time when I truly felt that way towards someone, and it was absolute bliss.
Speaking of her, she's engaged, engaged, yes; engaged. And I guess I'm happy for her, if she's truly happy. But I can't help to stop thinking about those "what if's?" I really wish she wouldn't be getting married, to be truthful. At least not soooo early and without thinking it through. Fully. Not even for selfish reasons. Shit, if a day ever comes where the memory of me escapes from her mind, and she's happy with someone, then fair ball. But I still have love for the girl, and I wish I could just talk to the "old" her that exists in my memories and hug her. In a totally platonic fashion.
I just feel as though she's been through a lot, and I'm missing something big that happened to her. And I wish she could just look me in the eyes and say that she's happy so that I can go on my merry little way.
I just really long to have those intense feelings again. Not with her, obviously, but I want to be in love again.
Hm.
Music. This topic also has me out of whack. The problem is, I want to make music really bad. Everyone says they do, too. Until it's time to schedule weekly jam/practice sessions.
I feel like I'm changing a lot. Well, maybe change is a bad word. I think the word transition or transitioning would be a better way to describe it. And when I say transitioning I mean from the last remnants I had of an adolescent, to a man. It's weird. My tastes in foods is changing, my choice of hobbies and activities, I see things bit differently now. I feel more responsible and I spend time doing things that I don't like to do, but that are nonetheless necessary. Like, I don't mind cleaning my room till it's spotless. It may not sound like much, but for me that's a milestone. Speaking of which, I feel 100% ready to live on my own. Not that new age yuppy-hipster-bullshit of moving to either the Williamsburg or Graham Ave. section of Brooklyn only to have your parents pay for 75% of your rent while you work at a your closest Starbucks or Barne's & Noble.
Yeah.
Another reason and probably my last because I'm tired of typing, is that I feel that I hang out with way too many people that use me. I feel as though most people are fake and they talk behind my back. This isn't cool. And because of this, I'm going to be a hermit for a while.
But not to have this be a totally sappy entry, I'm doing pretty good at work, I closed on my house last thursday. Here's one part of my life isn't stinking.
And that's all the whining I'll do for this post. If you made it this far, I thank you for your precious time and interest in my thoughts. Believe it or not, we connected.
I wanna start by mentioning that I had a mostly smooth weekend. So that rules.
That out of the way, I also want to say that I've been dually feeling an immense feeling of sadness. I more or less know why I'm feeling that way. Let's start by saying that my girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. Her reasoning being that we never hang out anymore, and because it seems as though I've lost interest in her.
And even though I hate admitting this, she's right. Period. She's an awesome girl--she's pretty, smart, focused and chill--most of the times; but I felt as though I could never really garner feelings of love towards her and I felt as though when our "true colors" started to show, I didn't really want to deal with hers. And usually I'm willing to compromise, but I just stopped liking her. It's safe to say that we somewhat clicked, yeah... but we didn't click, haha. There's a difference! I just didn't really see the relationship going anywhere, and I felt that my eyes were way too easily distracted by other women. This being really bad because most of the times, when I'm with a significant other, she usually has my full attention.
I doubt there's much that she could've done to captivate me to the point where I would be head over heels. And the reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because I feel like a jerk for even dating her. For I already knew how I felt about her. And I just feel like an asshole because I really broke this girls heart. She was craazy into me; and I in a small sense led her on.
Now, I've been put in a position like this in the past, so I speak from experience. And it sucks to know that you can never fit every part of your significant other's heart. And for a span of a few months (or until you meet someone else), you feel stupid, ugly, unattractive and as though you have some handicap. Your ego is totally crushed. And I know that she's on the receiving end of all of this. So I just feel like a total jerk. I think I'm going to apologize to her tomorrow. I feel really bad. She was crying when she said that we were over.
I think the reason why I dated her was because I knew that I could make her fall in love with me. My reasoning behind that being that I long to deeply fall in love with someone and have her reciprocate the same feelings. And I felt that with her I would have been able to have her emulate the feelings I wanted. Even if I didn't really feel everything I was saying or doing. I was going to these great lengths because I remember a time when I truly felt that way towards someone, and it was absolute bliss.
Speaking of her, she's engaged, engaged, yes; engaged. And I guess I'm happy for her, if she's truly happy. But I can't help to stop thinking about those "what if's?" I really wish she wouldn't be getting married, to be truthful. At least not soooo early and without thinking it through. Fully. Not even for selfish reasons. Shit, if a day ever comes where the memory of me escapes from her mind, and she's happy with someone, then fair ball. But I still have love for the girl, and I wish I could just talk to the "old" her that exists in my memories and hug her. In a totally platonic fashion.
I just feel as though she's been through a lot, and I'm missing something big that happened to her. And I wish she could just look me in the eyes and say that she's happy so that I can go on my merry little way.
I just really long to have those intense feelings again. Not with her, obviously, but I want to be in love again.
Hm.
Music. This topic also has me out of whack. The problem is, I want to make music really bad. Everyone says they do, too. Until it's time to schedule weekly jam/practice sessions.
I feel like I'm changing a lot. Well, maybe change is a bad word. I think the word transition or transitioning would be a better way to describe it. And when I say transitioning I mean from the last remnants I had of an adolescent, to a man. It's weird. My tastes in foods is changing, my choice of hobbies and activities, I see things bit differently now. I feel more responsible and I spend time doing things that I don't like to do, but that are nonetheless necessary. Like, I don't mind cleaning my room till it's spotless. It may not sound like much, but for me that's a milestone. Speaking of which, I feel 100% ready to live on my own. Not that new age yuppy-hipster-bullshit of moving to either the Williamsburg or Graham Ave. section of Brooklyn only to have your parents pay for 75% of your rent while you work at a your closest Starbucks or Barne's & Noble.
Yeah.
Another reason and probably my last because I'm tired of typing, is that I feel that I hang out with way too many people that use me. I feel as though most people are fake and they talk behind my back. This isn't cool. And because of this, I'm going to be a hermit for a while.
But not to have this be a totally sappy entry, I'm doing pretty good at work, I closed on my house last thursday. Here's one part of my life isn't stinking.
And that's all the whining I'll do for this post. If you made it this far, I thank you for your precious time and interest in my thoughts. Believe it or not, we connected.