(no subject)
As many may know, I haven't even attempted to update my journal in ages. Since the last time I have updated, I have accomplished many of dream goals, experienced many life changing happenings. I have met some of the most important people in the world to me, including the ones that I already knew. Life, as we know it, is flying by. Faster than I can keep up with. It seems like yesterday when I was in high school and I had started my period and I just knew that I would bleed through my pants [that never happened]. When Chad Philips came in to kiss me but mistaken his knowledge of kissing with CPR. Just the other day my best friend from my childhood, met a boy, fell for a boy, got beautifully pregnant by boy, birthed a gorgeous daughter, boy left girl. Just the other day. Her daughter doesn't need boy anyway. When I could go across the hall to just see if my sister was in her bed. Sometimes she wouldn't be. Our rooms don't even exist now. Now she doesn't even have a bed. The point is, time is going by too fast and I feel like I am not capturing the moments that are most important. Or, I am not fixing the things that need to be fixed before time runs out. I am a college graduate. Where did my college experience go? I was seriously just there.
Then there came Jerry. Not only the best man I have ever met in my life, he is my backbone. He keeps me up and going. He motivates me and keep me strong and healthy. When he walks into the room the butterflies freak out, still. His smile is breath taking and his eyes look like a pond covered in green lily pads with spects of gold. His smile is what made me fall so hard for him. .. .. the first time a saw him. We fight. Oh we fight. and I never win..I can't make eye contact or his face will make me smile...then it is done. We were made for each other. "We fit like puzzle pieces from the clay."
Guess what..?
I am getting married in 13 weeks. The countdown to the wedding. the wedding. the wedding. I could go on and on about this but this was just to be a peak into what has happened to me. This whole deal is crazy. I don't want a church, I don't want a reception, I don't want the chaplain or DJ. I want it to be quiet. and simple. enchantingly magical that only Jerry and I can experience. But I want to make my family and friends more than happy. My best friends need to be happy and my day will make them feel happy, and warm, and blessed to know they people they know. It can give them an excellent excuse to play dress up and blow bubbles at Jerry and I.[Everyone loves bubbles.] I want nothing but smiles on everyones face. Smiles of judgement are not allowed. In my mind, it is more of a happy day than a wedding day. It isn't MY day, I want it to be everyones day as much as it is mine. I'm nervous to type more to this.
I need everyone there to be supportive for me. I'm not positive if my own sister, the one who wouldn't be in her bed, won't be at my wedding. It will be almost a full year since I have spoken to her last. When I think about her not being there, my older, more wiser, blood sister not being at the wedding, I get this gut feeling [A feeling in my gut that mimics a feeling of a cold shot gun barrel shoving deeper and deeper inside of me ready to pull the trigger.] My sister is one to come and go into my life. When she comes she stays and is pleasant and great and fun. The best big sister that any girl would want. Unlimited supply of cigarettes, not to mention the clothes and the make up and awesome nic nacks and things that she owns. I don't know their stories because she never stays around long enough to tell them to me..
She isn't in a good place and I wish I could just save her. Trust me, I have plotted my way to break her away from her personal prison. She is trapped in a castle covered in snow. The castle is filthy and the snow makes her anxious. She is trapped and cold. She has a cat to keep her warm and needles to keep her sane... I'd save her but she is under a spell by an ugly witch. To get her away I would have to kill the witch. I am not strong enough for that yet. There WILL be a day.
I have an art show that will contain some of the pieces I've created. I have already been censored for my painting because they are too, too sexy for UNCP. The nude that I have painted express how I feel about body image. I have struggled with body image my entire life. Constant contests with friends to see who could weigh the least. [We would do outrageous things to succeed in this contest.] Laxitives, Mineral Oil, Anorexia, Bulimia, Gum treatment, detoxing. Whatever it took, really. So, I started painting these to release the feelings about the female figure. I do not continue to practice this, but it still haunts me...so I paint about it instead. PS I've painted em' all. Fat. Slim. Tall/Fat. Sexy. Hungry. Starving. Obese. I'm proud of my work unlike the closed minded fellows of the south. They evidently hate "naked ladies." They won't even hang a small one in an office. Blasphemy.
Doing this right here made me feel better. I have needed some serious venting that I need to do, but just to vent it is exhausting and I don't want to bog people down with my problems. They've got problems of their own. But as a matter of fact, this scrapped the pain train and I feel better for now.
Only a few more months...
Then there came Jerry. Not only the best man I have ever met in my life, he is my backbone. He keeps me up and going. He motivates me and keep me strong and healthy. When he walks into the room the butterflies freak out, still. His smile is breath taking and his eyes look like a pond covered in green lily pads with spects of gold. His smile is what made me fall so hard for him. .. .. the first time a saw him. We fight. Oh we fight. and I never win..I can't make eye contact or his face will make me smile...then it is done. We were made for each other. "We fit like puzzle pieces from the clay."
Guess what..?
I am getting married in 13 weeks. The countdown to the wedding. the wedding. the wedding. I could go on and on about this but this was just to be a peak into what has happened to me. This whole deal is crazy. I don't want a church, I don't want a reception, I don't want the chaplain or DJ. I want it to be quiet. and simple. enchantingly magical that only Jerry and I can experience. But I want to make my family and friends more than happy. My best friends need to be happy and my day will make them feel happy, and warm, and blessed to know they people they know. It can give them an excellent excuse to play dress up and blow bubbles at Jerry and I.[Everyone loves bubbles.] I want nothing but smiles on everyones face. Smiles of judgement are not allowed. In my mind, it is more of a happy day than a wedding day. It isn't MY day, I want it to be everyones day as much as it is mine. I'm nervous to type more to this.
I need everyone there to be supportive for me. I'm not positive if my own sister, the one who wouldn't be in her bed, won't be at my wedding. It will be almost a full year since I have spoken to her last. When I think about her not being there, my older, more wiser, blood sister not being at the wedding, I get this gut feeling [A feeling in my gut that mimics a feeling of a cold shot gun barrel shoving deeper and deeper inside of me ready to pull the trigger.] My sister is one to come and go into my life. When she comes she stays and is pleasant and great and fun. The best big sister that any girl would want. Unlimited supply of cigarettes, not to mention the clothes and the make up and awesome nic nacks and things that she owns. I don't know their stories because she never stays around long enough to tell them to me..
She isn't in a good place and I wish I could just save her. Trust me, I have plotted my way to break her away from her personal prison. She is trapped in a castle covered in snow. The castle is filthy and the snow makes her anxious. She is trapped and cold. She has a cat to keep her warm and needles to keep her sane... I'd save her but she is under a spell by an ugly witch. To get her away I would have to kill the witch. I am not strong enough for that yet. There WILL be a day.
I have an art show that will contain some of the pieces I've created. I have already been censored for my painting because they are too, too sexy for UNCP. The nude that I have painted express how I feel about body image. I have struggled with body image my entire life. Constant contests with friends to see who could weigh the least. [We would do outrageous things to succeed in this contest.] Laxitives, Mineral Oil, Anorexia, Bulimia, Gum treatment, detoxing. Whatever it took, really. So, I started painting these to release the feelings about the female figure. I do not continue to practice this, but it still haunts me...so I paint about it instead. PS I've painted em' all. Fat. Slim. Tall/Fat. Sexy. Hungry. Starving. Obese. I'm proud of my work unlike the closed minded fellows of the south. They evidently hate "naked ladies." They won't even hang a small one in an office. Blasphemy.
Doing this right here made me feel better. I have needed some serious venting that I need to do, but just to vent it is exhausting and I don't want to bog people down with my problems. They've got problems of their own. But as a matter of fact, this scrapped the pain train and I feel better for now.
Only a few more months...