Spork-A-Thon: Midnight Sun Part III: Chester Puts 'Snark' In Deadpan Snarker. Hopefully
Alright. Some of you, and all of you I don't know at all, have been messaging me questions concerning this Spork-A-Thon of mine. I'll answer them but I have to ask: If you read my stuff, why do you never comment and give me tips on how to improve? Seriously you guys, throw me a freaking bone.
I disgress. I'll answer the most frequent ones you've asked and message the others later. Really though, tell me how to improve please.
Are ChesterRac, DropDeadPoet and CartwheelAuthorTricks real?
Yes, they are real. I meet up with them via YM in order to this stuff. However, due to different time zones/lives/etc, it takes a while to do this type of stuff.
Why is ross a dick to Cartwheel?
Cartwheel agreed to be the buttmonkey and actually suggested that. So yeah...
Why are they certain colors? Why not other colors?
They chose the colors that matched their eyes. Well, at least Cartwheel and DropDead did. I have no clue for Chester.
So, that's the questions answered! Thanks for reading this and let's get down to business.
*Scene opens, revealed ChesterRac and CartwheelAuthorTricks discussing something. The girl looks horrified on what ChesterRac is telling her. Complete with extremely graphic pictures*
-and that’s how the Blanket Octopus copulates. *Nods*
0_____o
What?
*Passes out*
Well shit.
*Enters the The Room now* Hey guys, I’m back! Sorry for taking…forev…er…*Looks at the twitching form of his relative* RAC! What the FUCK did you do?!
Don’t blame me man! SHE wanted to know how the Blanket Octopus mates and I just told her. Don’t shoot the messenger!
*Sighs and drags C.A.T to the couch* Come on let’s get this started…R.O.S.S! Can you wake…no, wa-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
AHHH!
Well…it got you awake.
That hurt!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
Ow!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
Let’s just finish this thing…
BEGINNING STORY
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Jessica Stanley is giving the new Swan girl
*Snorts* Like I’ll believe that she ISN’T the only person in that town that has a name that translate into ‘Beautiful Swan’.
I think she meant ‘new girl, Swan, etcetera’.
all the dirty laundry on the Cullen clan,” I murmured to Emmett as a distraction.
What the fuck do you mean as a 'distraction'? Aren't you talking to him?
And why can't they talk normally in the first place?
Mind-reading is much cooler.
He chuckled under his breath.
OHAI ‘chuckled’! You’re back!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 120: Do not break the fourth wall
We’re already breaking the fourth wall!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 1: Do NOT undermine my authority!
I hope she’s making it good, he thought. “Rather unimaginative, actually. Just the barest hint of scandal. Not an ounce of horror. I’m a little disappointed.”
*As Jessica* We have a feeling they're all junkies, prostitutes or serial killers.
And the new girl? Is she disappointed in the gossip as well?
I'm confused. Why would the new girl be dissapointed with the gossip? She doesn't know them yet to have an idea what they cold really be.
Because the Cullens said so, damn it!
I listened to hear what this new girl, Bella, thought of Jessica’s story. What did she see when she looked at the strange, chalky-skinned family that was universally avoided?
I did what YOU pussies wouldn't do. You're welcome.
It was sort of my responsibility to know her reaction. I acted as a lookout, for lack of a better word, for my family. To protect us. If anyone ever grew suspicious, I could give us early warning and an easy retreat.
This would actually make you likeable if it weren’t for the fact you whined about reading minds and knowing said reactions.
He’s the sex toy hero! Of course he can make all the contradicting sayings he wants. No one complained about that in Eragon, did they?
I-
No one asked you!
It happened occasionally-some human with an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie.
I think this is supposed to be a clever wink.
It feels more like there was a bug stuck in between her eyelashes and she was trying to crush it.
Usually they got it wrong,
*As Edward* Because no one understands me, damn it! Why did this HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEE?!?!
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* NO.
but it was better to move on somewhere new than to risk scrutiny.
Because breaking the road rules, never socializing with others, acting odd and distant and buying the most expensive items in town is totally not risking scrutiny.
I was a predator. She was my prey.
Here comes the creepy…
There was nothing else in the whole world but that truth. There was no room full of witnesses-they were already collateral damage in my head.
Ladies and gentlemen: The hero.
The mystery of her thoughts was forgotten. Her thoughts meant nothing,
For once, I agree with you.
for she would not go on thinking them much longer.
Not she -thinks- in the first place or anything.
I was a vampire, and she had the sweetest blood I’d smelled in eighty years.
Really? In eighty years you never smelled sweet blood before? Why is that Edward? Isn’t it possible that you simply think it smells sweet because you never smelled her before due to her just coming into the town?
*As Edward* Don’t question the plot hole, damn it!
I hadn’t imagined such a scent could exist. If I’d known it did, I would have gone searching for it long ago.
If this sounds like true love to and of you guys, let me know.
*Crickets* Chirp chirp chirp
I thought so.
I would have combed the planet for her.
He obviously never heard of Facebook.
I could imagine the taste… .
Like heroine-filled chocolate! Yum yum!
Thirst burned through my throat like fire.
I didn't know burning also meant fire!
Who would have thought?
My mouth was baked and desiccated.
You can tell Mrs. Meyer went through her thesaurus at this point of the draft.
The fresh flow of venom did nothing to dispel that sensation.
He’s drooling again, if you haven’t noticed.
My stomach twisted with the hunger that was an echo of the thirst.
We get it; it’s the best thing you’ve ever smelled. Shut up about it.
I don’t think she’ll be able to fill the draft if she didn’t keep hitting our heads over it, Honey Bunny.
My muscles coiled to spring.
And came back when it was summer.
Not a full second had passed. She was still taking the same step that had put her downwind from me.
Sloooooooooooooooowpoooo-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 543: Do not use Pokemon references if you are under the age of 18
As her foot touched the ground, her eyes slid toward me,
*As Bella’s eyes* Freedooooom!
*As Bella* Shit, eyes! Come back here!
a movement she clearly meant to be stealthy. Her glance met mine, and I saw myself reflected in the wide mirror of her eyes.
Hey eyes are mirrors? I thought they were chocolate brown.
No way in hell could they be that huge.
Yay for purple prose!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule-
Don’t state the obvious, I know I kn-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 8: Do not interrupt me!
The shock of the face I saw there saved her life for a few thorny moments. She didn’t make it easier.
Oh Bella, you cocktease!
When she processed the expression on my face, blood flooded her cheeks again, turning her skin the most delicious color I’d ever seen.
*Turns to Poet* A colour can be yummy?
I guess…
The scent was a thick haze in my brain.
Drugs are bad!
I could barely think through it. My thoughts raged, resisting control, incoherent.
You're pretty coherent right now, Edward.
She walked more quickly now, as if she understood the need to escape.
Be free Will-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 541: Do NOT use Free Willy
Her haste made her clumsy-
No she was born that way. You’ll get used to it.
she tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated in front of me. Vulnerable, weak. Even more than usual for a human.
And he’s considering ‘nice’ again how…?
I tried to focus on the face I’d seen in her eyes, a face I recognized with revulsion. The face of the monster in me-the face I’d beaten back with decades of effort and uncompromising discipline. How easily it sprang to the surface now!
*As The Monster’s Face* Here’s Johnny!
*As Edward* Get back down damn it! *Beats the ever loving shit out of Chester*
Wait! This was only supposed to be pretend! Red, red, red!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 100: No violence among the Sporkers
Why did I get shocked?!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 101: Do not enable others Sporkers to commit violence
You’re only shocking me now! Why?!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
Heeeelp!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
*Looks at his watch* Will you look at the time? We should get going now! Hoped you enjoyed this session of Spork-A-Thon.
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
I’m DropDeadPoet!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
ChesterRac!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* R.O.S.S. Robot Observing Silly Sporkers.
This is child abuse!
I disgress. I'll answer the most frequent ones you've asked and message the others later. Really though, tell me how to improve please.
Are ChesterRac, DropDeadPoet and CartwheelAuthorTricks real?
Yes, they are real. I meet up with them via YM in order to this stuff. However, due to different time zones/lives/etc, it takes a while to do this type of stuff.
Why is ross a dick to Cartwheel?
Cartwheel agreed to be the buttmonkey and actually suggested that. So yeah...
Why are they certain colors? Why not other colors?
They chose the colors that matched their eyes. Well, at least Cartwheel and DropDead did. I have no clue for Chester.
So, that's the questions answered! Thanks for reading this and let's get down to business.
*Scene opens, revealed ChesterRac and CartwheelAuthorTricks discussing something. The girl looks horrified on what ChesterRac is telling her. Complete with extremely graphic pictures*
-and that’s how the Blanket Octopus copulates. *Nods*
0_____o
What?
*Passes out*
Well shit.
*Enters the The Room now* Hey guys, I’m back! Sorry for taking…forev…er…*Looks at the twitching form of his relative* RAC! What the FUCK did you do?!
Don’t blame me man! SHE wanted to know how the Blanket Octopus mates and I just told her. Don’t shoot the messenger!
*Sighs and drags C.A.T to the couch* Come on let’s get this started…R.O.S.S! Can you wake…no, wa-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
AHHH!
Well…it got you awake.
That hurt!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
Ow!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
Let’s just finish this thing…
BEGINNING STORY
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Jessica Stanley is giving the new Swan girl
*Snorts* Like I’ll believe that she ISN’T the only person in that town that has a name that translate into ‘Beautiful Swan’.
I think she meant ‘new girl, Swan, etcetera’.
all the dirty laundry on the Cullen clan,” I murmured to Emmett as a distraction.
What the fuck do you mean as a 'distraction'? Aren't you talking to him?
And why can't they talk normally in the first place?
Mind-reading is much cooler.
He chuckled under his breath.
OHAI ‘chuckled’! You’re back!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 120: Do not break the fourth wall
We’re already breaking the fourth wall!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 1: Do NOT undermine my authority!
I hope she’s making it good, he thought. “Rather unimaginative, actually. Just the barest hint of scandal. Not an ounce of horror. I’m a little disappointed.”
*As Jessica* We have a feeling they're all junkies, prostitutes or serial killers.
And the new girl? Is she disappointed in the gossip as well?
I'm confused. Why would the new girl be dissapointed with the gossip? She doesn't know them yet to have an idea what they cold really be.
Because the Cullens said so, damn it!
I listened to hear what this new girl, Bella, thought of Jessica’s story. What did she see when she looked at the strange, chalky-skinned family that was universally avoided?
I did what YOU pussies wouldn't do. You're welcome.
It was sort of my responsibility to know her reaction. I acted as a lookout, for lack of a better word, for my family. To protect us. If anyone ever grew suspicious, I could give us early warning and an easy retreat.
This would actually make you likeable if it weren’t for the fact you whined about reading minds and knowing said reactions.
He’s the sex toy hero! Of course he can make all the contradicting sayings he wants. No one complained about that in Eragon, did they?
I-
No one asked you!
It happened occasionally-some human with an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie.
I think this is supposed to be a clever wink.
It feels more like there was a bug stuck in between her eyelashes and she was trying to crush it.
Usually they got it wrong,
*As Edward* Because no one understands me, damn it! Why did this HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEE?!?!
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* NO.
but it was better to move on somewhere new than to risk scrutiny.
Because breaking the road rules, never socializing with others, acting odd and distant and buying the most expensive items in town is totally not risking scrutiny.
I was a predator. She was my prey.
Here comes the creepy…
There was nothing else in the whole world but that truth. There was no room full of witnesses-they were already collateral damage in my head.
Ladies and gentlemen: The hero.
The mystery of her thoughts was forgotten. Her thoughts meant nothing,
For once, I agree with you.
for she would not go on thinking them much longer.
Not she -thinks- in the first place or anything.
I was a vampire, and she had the sweetest blood I’d smelled in eighty years.
Really? In eighty years you never smelled sweet blood before? Why is that Edward? Isn’t it possible that you simply think it smells sweet because you never smelled her before due to her just coming into the town?
*As Edward* Don’t question the plot hole, damn it!
I hadn’t imagined such a scent could exist. If I’d known it did, I would have gone searching for it long ago.
If this sounds like true love to and of you guys, let me know.
*Crickets* Chirp chirp chirp
I thought so.
I would have combed the planet for her.
He obviously never heard of Facebook.
I could imagine the taste… .
Like heroine-filled chocolate! Yum yum!
Thirst burned through my throat like fire.
I didn't know burning also meant fire!
Who would have thought?
My mouth was baked and desiccated.
You can tell Mrs. Meyer went through her thesaurus at this point of the draft.
The fresh flow of venom did nothing to dispel that sensation.
He’s drooling again, if you haven’t noticed.
My stomach twisted with the hunger that was an echo of the thirst.
We get it; it’s the best thing you’ve ever smelled. Shut up about it.
I don’t think she’ll be able to fill the draft if she didn’t keep hitting our heads over it, Honey Bunny.
My muscles coiled to spring.
And came back when it was summer.
Not a full second had passed. She was still taking the same step that had put her downwind from me.
Sloooooooooooooooowpoooo-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 543: Do not use Pokemon references if you are under the age of 18
As her foot touched the ground, her eyes slid toward me,
*As Bella’s eyes* Freedooooom!
*As Bella* Shit, eyes! Come back here!
a movement she clearly meant to be stealthy. Her glance met mine, and I saw myself reflected in the wide mirror of her eyes.
Hey eyes are mirrors? I thought they were chocolate brown.
No way in hell could they be that huge.
Yay for purple prose!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule-
Don’t state the obvious, I know I kn-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 8: Do not interrupt me!
The shock of the face I saw there saved her life for a few thorny moments. She didn’t make it easier.
Oh Bella, you cocktease!
When she processed the expression on my face, blood flooded her cheeks again, turning her skin the most delicious color I’d ever seen.
*Turns to Poet* A colour can be yummy?
I guess…
The scent was a thick haze in my brain.
Drugs are bad!
I could barely think through it. My thoughts raged, resisting control, incoherent.
You're pretty coherent right now, Edward.
She walked more quickly now, as if she understood the need to escape.
Be free Will-
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 541: Do NOT use Free Willy
Her haste made her clumsy-
No she was born that way. You’ll get used to it.
she tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated in front of me. Vulnerable, weak. Even more than usual for a human.
And he’s considering ‘nice’ again how…?
I tried to focus on the face I’d seen in her eyes, a face I recognized with revulsion. The face of the monster in me-the face I’d beaten back with decades of effort and uncompromising discipline. How easily it sprang to the surface now!
*As The Monster’s Face* Here’s Johnny!
*As Edward* Get back down damn it! *Beats the ever loving shit out of Chester*
Wait! This was only supposed to be pretend! Red, red, red!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 100: No violence among the Sporkers
Why did I get shocked?!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* Rule 101: Do not enable others Sporkers to commit violence
You’re only shocking me now! Why?!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
Heeeelp!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
*Looks at his watch* Will you look at the time? We should get going now! Hoped you enjoyed this session of Spork-A-Thon.
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
I’m DropDeadPoet!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*
ChesterRac!
*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!* R.O.S.S. Robot Observing Silly Sporkers.
This is child abuse!