Pure Emotional Breakdown
Today was truly the hardest and most emotionally shitty, and crappy day of my life. It was even harder tahn the day i found out Ryan was leaving, or when i found out he fucked Chris Rice. Today on a day when i first thought about hanging out with ryan, just him and i, seeing goldmember, me being able to spend time alone with him, but with everytime i have planned that, he has come up with other things which included other people. But although i feel hurt everytime that happens, because i always feel used, since as soon as teh others leave he wants to leave as well, but today was far worse.
Today we went to Dahne to see this boy ryan wanted to see, ryan ended up liking him, when we went to the movies, which was the movie he wanted to see, so once again screw aaron over, they ended up holding hands and wispering to each other the whole time, everytime i looked over i got sicker and sicker until i had to go into the bathroom and litterally throw up, then i just sat in the bathroom for like thirty minutes crying. Then when we went back to ryan's it hurt even more when i saw them holding hands. And then he was draged off and made out with this boy, the boy he jsut met. It hurts so so much that he does more with this boy he just met, than he ever did, ever would do with me, I love him so much. Is asking for one more chance, one opportunity to do with ryan what that boy did today, too much? Ryan told me he knows how i feel and what it is like to be in my position. That brings me some comfort that he can sympathize with me. I just was hoping that one time one day, one chance i would get so that i can feel what others have, feel what that boy did, feel like he wants me for once. I need him, it sounds bad to say, and he will probably get mad at me for saying this, but it is true i really do need him in my life, no matter how much i try no matter what i do, i can't stop loving him, he is the brian to my Micheal, I will never stop loveing him, i will always be cursed to love him and none other, i just hope that we might end as teh UK Queer as Folk ends with Michael finally getting Brian, all i ask of my life is that, i would do anything for him, i will change in anyway. I just want to know what i can do, what i can change just to be able to be that person for ryan, just so he will give me that chance, just so he would fall in love with me, i just wish i knew what i did wrong, he says i did nothing, but i am sure he knows how it feels, and that it always feels as if you did somthing wrong, or if there was something more you could do. Is it because i am ugly? fat? what is it tht i can change about my body that will get you to give me the same chance he gave that boy, not just lets see what happens chance, but also a let's do romantic stuff chance.
"die for yourself" is something ryan once said, and i am seeing teh litteral meaning of that, i am beginning to see why that originally seemed so attractive to me. I have been thinking about it alot latley, i don't know if it is the right decision, but it seems like my choices and opportunities in life have been getting smaller and smaller, it truly seems as if it is all that i have left, the only problem is, that i am scared everyday i feel more worthless like to the one person i care about more than anybody in the world in my life ever, that i am worthless i will never be good enough, never be his, with him never mine, so this truly feels like it is all i can really do, but i don't know if i can do it to myself, ut if i do it will be soon, but if i can;t do it to myself, i ask ryan this one thing, will you do it for me? I truly have nothing in this world, nothing, no one to live for, and if i can't do this to myself please in one last act of compassion please do it for me.
Today we went to Dahne to see this boy ryan wanted to see, ryan ended up liking him, when we went to the movies, which was the movie he wanted to see, so once again screw aaron over, they ended up holding hands and wispering to each other the whole time, everytime i looked over i got sicker and sicker until i had to go into the bathroom and litterally throw up, then i just sat in the bathroom for like thirty minutes crying. Then when we went back to ryan's it hurt even more when i saw them holding hands. And then he was draged off and made out with this boy, the boy he jsut met. It hurts so so much that he does more with this boy he just met, than he ever did, ever would do with me, I love him so much. Is asking for one more chance, one opportunity to do with ryan what that boy did today, too much? Ryan told me he knows how i feel and what it is like to be in my position. That brings me some comfort that he can sympathize with me. I just was hoping that one time one day, one chance i would get so that i can feel what others have, feel what that boy did, feel like he wants me for once. I need him, it sounds bad to say, and he will probably get mad at me for saying this, but it is true i really do need him in my life, no matter how much i try no matter what i do, i can't stop loving him, he is the brian to my Micheal, I will never stop loveing him, i will always be cursed to love him and none other, i just hope that we might end as teh UK Queer as Folk ends with Michael finally getting Brian, all i ask of my life is that, i would do anything for him, i will change in anyway. I just want to know what i can do, what i can change just to be able to be that person for ryan, just so he will give me that chance, just so he would fall in love with me, i just wish i knew what i did wrong, he says i did nothing, but i am sure he knows how it feels, and that it always feels as if you did somthing wrong, or if there was something more you could do. Is it because i am ugly? fat? what is it tht i can change about my body that will get you to give me the same chance he gave that boy, not just lets see what happens chance, but also a let's do romantic stuff chance.
"die for yourself" is something ryan once said, and i am seeing teh litteral meaning of that, i am beginning to see why that originally seemed so attractive to me. I have been thinking about it alot latley, i don't know if it is the right decision, but it seems like my choices and opportunities in life have been getting smaller and smaller, it truly seems as if it is all that i have left, the only problem is, that i am scared everyday i feel more worthless like to the one person i care about more than anybody in the world in my life ever, that i am worthless i will never be good enough, never be his, with him never mine, so this truly feels like it is all i can really do, but i don't know if i can do it to myself, ut if i do it will be soon, but if i can;t do it to myself, i ask ryan this one thing, will you do it for me? I truly have nothing in this world, nothing, no one to live for, and if i can't do this to myself please in one last act of compassion please do it for me.