I don't wanst to hurt anymore!

[happy_terror]

I don't cut anymore. Nor will I ever again. But some people that I care about like to bring it up..not in a funny way either. And it hurts sooo fucking bad! Cuz they think they know what their talking about...ohh some emo chick right...yeah she gets sad and cuts herself. But they don't know. And I wont ever let them go no matter how they treat me becuase I'm afraid. I don't attach myself anymore. And everyday it seems I fall further from the ones I'm holding on to. I don't know about you but I don't want to be alone. I don't hate anyone...I just have trouble loving them. This isnt to you ... you did nothing to hurt me. You know who does. I love you..your probably the only one I love other than the ppl I live with. And that scares the hell out of me. I don't and can't drop certain people because I'll never be able to pick anyone else back up. I was forced to drop my family but I wont drop them!...I miss her. Why does it still hurt so bad. It's been almost 6 years. I can't move on. I'm still stuck. I had to drop her just like everyone else and I never got to see her again. I never got to tell her how much I apprieciated her. How much she ment to me. I forget more about her every day. My biggest fear..my true biggest fear..is being forgotten. Whether it be in memory or just simply forgot to take me with you when you went to the store...forgot to call. What if she felt that way when I didnt call. What if she cried because we didn't say goodbye? I will never know. And I don't know how to move on. Becuase I don't know why I'm stuck. I can't let them go becuase they're the only ones I still love. I never told you..theres somthing wrong with me. Something major that I'm missing. WHAT IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was that night. I was drunk..in the bathroom. All I herd was the water. Hoping maybe I can tell her I'm sorry. I'm sorry it ended this way. And thank her for watching out for my mom. She knows what happend. She knows. I just wish I could hug her one more time. I couldn't even give her my present the last time I saw her. I couldn't move. Becuase I could not believe it. I didnt say goodbye..becuase I was numb..I couldn't think. So many have it so much worse then I do..but it hurts so bad. I wish she was here. Just for a while. Just to hang out. Just to laugh...just so I could hug her and hear her voice. And tell her everything. She would know what to do. She always did. I know I should get over it. I should have a long time ago...and I know she's in a better place..with no pain. BUT I NEED HER...MOM NEEDS HER!...it's too hard without her.

I yell becuase I'm frustrated
I cut becuase I'm mad not because I'm sad

I cry when I'm sad..and hurt.