sleep.. who needs it
So.. Im just going to get this out in the open.. I just..dunno how to say it.
I've fucked up. I've fucked up big fucking time.
I have not talked about this too terribly much in here..but I really regret all this shit I've done to Steve. I've thought and thought and thought long and hard over why I did it all. In my mind it makes no sense. But Im starting to wrap my mind around it.
Jen and I have been talking about it quite a bit the last week or so. And I know there isnt an easy solution. And honestly I didnt expect there would be one mostly because i fucked up so much that its most likely beyond repair. I realize i cant re-write whats already history but i just feel like maybe somehow someway i could do something..anything to make it a little better.
I have no doubts that Steve wants nothing to do with me, and heck I don't blame him. I really don't. I just want to be able to talk to him and not feel awkward being around places he is..and i thought by taking the first step when he was in Florida by saying when you're ready i wanna talk would be a step in the right direction but he hasnt said a word back to me so obviously its stupid of me to have even tried. I mean why would he want to talk to me? I have fucked his life up emotionally. And I still dont even have a honest concrete reason to why I did.
I seriously sit and stare at my computer for hours just wondering what he is up to.. hoping he'd message me. Hoping he was thinking about me..hoping for the phone to ring. But it never happens. And I know no amount of wishing and hoping is going to change the fact that he hates me.
I honestly havent felt this shitty since Joseph broke up with me years ago. I dont sleep, I cry all the time (i actually am right now too) i barely eat, and i just go out and jog to try to clear my mind for at least an hour. But that hour is usually spent thinking about what id do or say if i actually talked to steve again...so to say its broken me down is putting it lightly. I am a broken human being.
karma is never something thats on my side..if anything karma always is against me which is prolly why im suffering now. I honestly try to be a good person, give 110% to people. Listen to peoples issues and help them out because I like helping those i care about and if i can make them smile or be happy when im feeling miserable then im doing my job as a friend. Maybe Im just too protective of my friends and thats why im quick to lash out when one of them is hurt(IE Chrissy..there was an incident the other day about phobias and Chrissy felt Steve wasnt being very sensitive to her phobias and I lashed out on myspace.. I know I shouldnt have.. but im her mom.. its my job.)
I sometimes think im worse than Jem because I knew how bad she fucked him over and i promised him i never ever would do that and look..i have. I said the same shit she did to him. Im not better than her. And that realization...that one is one that fucking makes me sick.
I've fucked up. I've fucked up big fucking time.
I have not talked about this too terribly much in here..but I really regret all this shit I've done to Steve. I've thought and thought and thought long and hard over why I did it all. In my mind it makes no sense. But Im starting to wrap my mind around it.
Jen and I have been talking about it quite a bit the last week or so. And I know there isnt an easy solution. And honestly I didnt expect there would be one mostly because i fucked up so much that its most likely beyond repair. I realize i cant re-write whats already history but i just feel like maybe somehow someway i could do something..anything to make it a little better.
I have no doubts that Steve wants nothing to do with me, and heck I don't blame him. I really don't. I just want to be able to talk to him and not feel awkward being around places he is..and i thought by taking the first step when he was in Florida by saying when you're ready i wanna talk would be a step in the right direction but he hasnt said a word back to me so obviously its stupid of me to have even tried. I mean why would he want to talk to me? I have fucked his life up emotionally. And I still dont even have a honest concrete reason to why I did.
I seriously sit and stare at my computer for hours just wondering what he is up to.. hoping he'd message me. Hoping he was thinking about me..hoping for the phone to ring. But it never happens. And I know no amount of wishing and hoping is going to change the fact that he hates me.
I honestly havent felt this shitty since Joseph broke up with me years ago. I dont sleep, I cry all the time (i actually am right now too) i barely eat, and i just go out and jog to try to clear my mind for at least an hour. But that hour is usually spent thinking about what id do or say if i actually talked to steve again...so to say its broken me down is putting it lightly. I am a broken human being.
karma is never something thats on my side..if anything karma always is against me which is prolly why im suffering now. I honestly try to be a good person, give 110% to people. Listen to peoples issues and help them out because I like helping those i care about and if i can make them smile or be happy when im feeling miserable then im doing my job as a friend. Maybe Im just too protective of my friends and thats why im quick to lash out when one of them is hurt(IE Chrissy..there was an incident the other day about phobias and Chrissy felt Steve wasnt being very sensitive to her phobias and I lashed out on myspace.. I know I shouldnt have.. but im her mom.. its my job.)
I sometimes think im worse than Jem because I knew how bad she fucked him over and i promised him i never ever would do that and look..i have. I said the same shit she did to him. Im not better than her. And that realization...that one is one that fucking makes me sick.