days 08-11
day 08 - a moment in great detail
day 8 was last sunday and the most vivid thing i remember about that day (aside from the engagement photos, the dim sum, the boba, the awful bbq, the scary windstorm, the anger, the old folks and the qsoc) was the realization at how uncomfortable i am when i introduce my friends from different parts of my life to each other. this has been ongoing every since i was a kid and i don't know when or how or if i'll ever get to a place where i'm not like that anymore. every time i try to inspect this part of myself i can feel the heat radiating from it, like an infection, but i can't bear to just suck it up and figure out what's wrong. i'm too afraid of what i'll find out. it's such a strange thing to admit since i feel like i'm pretty honest with myself regarding most other things. it scares me.
day 09 - your beliefs, in great detail
once upon a time i went to counseling and was asked by my counselor, the conversations with whom always made me cry (and not in a good way) to think about and make a list of my foundational values and beliefs as an exercise to understand who i am. i left in tears (as usual) and dumbfounded as to how to answer the question. the more i thought about it the more depressed i became and i never went back to see her.
about six months later i went to another counselor and shared my feelings of inadequacy in being unable to answer this question and how that led me to believe that i was a valueless and belief-less person, devoid of meaning, purpose or human soul. this other counselor helped me realize that it wasn't that i lacked "values" and "beliefs" but that the way i had been taught to define them (specifically through political, moral and social values/beliefs) was too narrow for me to define myself in the same ways. it was a powerful realization in how i don't/fit. so here's a broad list of things i believe in:
-i believe in thinking critically so i can understand what's actually happening to and around me
-i believe in taking care of a community that nurtures you, cares for you and sees you as an integral piece of that space
-i believe in speaking out even when you're afraid of or don't know what the consequences will be
-i believe in buying cards for people/events you may not have met or experienced yet just because you know one day there will be a perfect time/place for them
-i believe in being selfless
-i believe in taking care of yourself
-i believe in laughing so hard you make ugly faces/drool/snort/wheeze
-i believe in calling people out on their shit and expecting people to do the same for me
these are a portion of my beliefs.
day 10 - what you wore today in great detail
on tuesday i wore a ruffled black skirt and tank top with a white and brown striped cardigan with tan platform espadrille styled sandals to work.
later that evening i wore denim jean capris with a grey tanktop and a weird yellow green cardigan and the same sandals because i love them.
day 11 - your siblings in great detail
i have one younger brother who i'm pretty sure hates me. or at least views me with great disdain.
i was pretty mean to him when we were growing up. i think it was because he was obviously the favorite on both sides of the family because he was the youngest boy on my dad's side and the only boy (for a while) on my mom's side. i can admit, i was very jealous of him. he always got great gifts and attention and general doting that i longed for. it wasn't his fault he was a boy, but i didn't care.
i never really understood how much resentment he had towards me until we were adults. ironically, because he is a boy he was expected to do things that i didn't have to, like work at my dad's store and help my parents. i saw this as favoritism and isolated myself from my family because of it. when my brother was about 19 or 20 he got into a huge fight with my dad and was kicked out of the house for a few weeks. i was out of town and no one bothered to tell me. talk about dysfunctional.
my brother is one of the people who thinks i'm too critical which is ironic coming from someone who majored in philosophy. he broke his arm falling off of a wall in either junior high or high school which, upon healing, left his right arm unable to rotate fully so when he and his friends started a band at the end of high school/beginning of college he played the bass left handed.
my brother is a typical guy in the sense that he likes video games, hanging out with friends, drinking and all that. the majority of his fb photos show him dressed up in some fashion or with a stuffed pig. he hates reading but liked the harry potter series. he likes to travel and wants to leave utah, at least for a little while. his dream destination is boston. he also really likes clint eastwood films and the type of masculinity eastwood embodies, as problematic as it is. *eye roll*
my brother also has a beautiful singing voice which i've only heard twice in my life. the first time i heard him sing i cried like a baby, i was so proud of him. a few christmases ago i told him i wanted to hear him sing but he ignored my request.
my friends will tell me they've seen him at the chase bank downtown (he works there as a teller/banker in training... or something) and always tell me, much to my disappointment, how much we look alike. we really don't. you guys just think we do because we're both asian. racist. if you see him at the chase bank though, tell him you know me! it'll embarrass him!
these days i am the scatterbrained inept older sister that he begrudgingly comes to the rescue to every three months or so. the last time i called him i needed his help reattaching my muffler and exhaust pipe back onto my dad's corolla that i'd knocked off thanks to a super deep dip in the road and the car being way to low to the ground. he's kind of a grouch and i think he thinks i'm crazy, but he's my brother and he's a good kid.
day 8 was last sunday and the most vivid thing i remember about that day (aside from the engagement photos, the dim sum, the boba, the awful bbq, the scary windstorm, the anger, the old folks and the qsoc) was the realization at how uncomfortable i am when i introduce my friends from different parts of my life to each other. this has been ongoing every since i was a kid and i don't know when or how or if i'll ever get to a place where i'm not like that anymore. every time i try to inspect this part of myself i can feel the heat radiating from it, like an infection, but i can't bear to just suck it up and figure out what's wrong. i'm too afraid of what i'll find out. it's such a strange thing to admit since i feel like i'm pretty honest with myself regarding most other things. it scares me.
day 09 - your beliefs, in great detail
once upon a time i went to counseling and was asked by my counselor, the conversations with whom always made me cry (and not in a good way) to think about and make a list of my foundational values and beliefs as an exercise to understand who i am. i left in tears (as usual) and dumbfounded as to how to answer the question. the more i thought about it the more depressed i became and i never went back to see her.
about six months later i went to another counselor and shared my feelings of inadequacy in being unable to answer this question and how that led me to believe that i was a valueless and belief-less person, devoid of meaning, purpose or human soul. this other counselor helped me realize that it wasn't that i lacked "values" and "beliefs" but that the way i had been taught to define them (specifically through political, moral and social values/beliefs) was too narrow for me to define myself in the same ways. it was a powerful realization in how i don't/fit. so here's a broad list of things i believe in:
-i believe in thinking critically so i can understand what's actually happening to and around me
-i believe in taking care of a community that nurtures you, cares for you and sees you as an integral piece of that space
-i believe in speaking out even when you're afraid of or don't know what the consequences will be
-i believe in buying cards for people/events you may not have met or experienced yet just because you know one day there will be a perfect time/place for them
-i believe in being selfless
-i believe in taking care of yourself
-i believe in laughing so hard you make ugly faces/drool/snort/wheeze
-i believe in calling people out on their shit and expecting people to do the same for me
these are a portion of my beliefs.
day 10 - what you wore today in great detail
on tuesday i wore a ruffled black skirt and tank top with a white and brown striped cardigan with tan platform espadrille styled sandals to work.
later that evening i wore denim jean capris with a grey tanktop and a weird yellow green cardigan and the same sandals because i love them.
day 11 - your siblings in great detail
i have one younger brother who i'm pretty sure hates me. or at least views me with great disdain.
i was pretty mean to him when we were growing up. i think it was because he was obviously the favorite on both sides of the family because he was the youngest boy on my dad's side and the only boy (for a while) on my mom's side. i can admit, i was very jealous of him. he always got great gifts and attention and general doting that i longed for. it wasn't his fault he was a boy, but i didn't care.
i never really understood how much resentment he had towards me until we were adults. ironically, because he is a boy he was expected to do things that i didn't have to, like work at my dad's store and help my parents. i saw this as favoritism and isolated myself from my family because of it. when my brother was about 19 or 20 he got into a huge fight with my dad and was kicked out of the house for a few weeks. i was out of town and no one bothered to tell me. talk about dysfunctional.
my brother is one of the people who thinks i'm too critical which is ironic coming from someone who majored in philosophy. he broke his arm falling off of a wall in either junior high or high school which, upon healing, left his right arm unable to rotate fully so when he and his friends started a band at the end of high school/beginning of college he played the bass left handed.
my brother is a typical guy in the sense that he likes video games, hanging out with friends, drinking and all that. the majority of his fb photos show him dressed up in some fashion or with a stuffed pig. he hates reading but liked the harry potter series. he likes to travel and wants to leave utah, at least for a little while. his dream destination is boston. he also really likes clint eastwood films and the type of masculinity eastwood embodies, as problematic as it is. *eye roll*
my brother also has a beautiful singing voice which i've only heard twice in my life. the first time i heard him sing i cried like a baby, i was so proud of him. a few christmases ago i told him i wanted to hear him sing but he ignored my request.
my friends will tell me they've seen him at the chase bank downtown (he works there as a teller/banker in training... or something) and always tell me, much to my disappointment, how much we look alike. we really don't. you guys just think we do because we're both asian. racist. if you see him at the chase bank though, tell him you know me! it'll embarrass him!
these days i am the scatterbrained inept older sister that he begrudgingly comes to the rescue to every three months or so. the last time i called him i needed his help reattaching my muffler and exhaust pipe back onto my dad's corolla that i'd knocked off thanks to a super deep dip in the road and the car being way to low to the ground. he's kind of a grouch and i think he thinks i'm crazy, but he's my brother and he's a good kid.