An entry on writing utensils and memories lost
It's odd and a bit hypocritical to criticize online journaling in an online journal, but there is something a little disarming about it, isn't there? You can write the world on an online journal, hey, you could write War and Peace on a blog, and yet at the click of a button or two, you can just...erase it all. Including anything of significance to another person. Not only your memories, but other peoples. I learned today that my two ex boyfriends have both deleted their xangas, including all traces of any online declaration of the fact that they ever cared about me. And it's silly but...it makes me a little sad. In a small way...it makes me feel erasable. Like I'm the No. 2 pencil on people's lives, rather than the quill pen I'd very much like to be. I mean, it doesn't matter so much in the case of Matt, because I know he hasn't erased me from his life, or I him--it's only really upsetting in the second case. I already feel like he's decided I'm worthless, I already feel like he thinks I'm forgettable. I don't like having more proofs...I don't like those memories of mine that I valued being, in certain ways, erased. Those memories of how he felt are worthwhile to me, because I certainly have enough proof of how I felt. Yet now a part of those proofs are gone...and with it I feel like everything is just that much more over. And I never got any of the explanations I've been hoping for for two months, and now I'm scared I never will. Youth Group's tomorrow, but who knows if he'll be there? And if he's not...well, I'll get there when I do.
oh, and by the way, happy new year. As the old Irish blessing goes "May the worst days of your future be better than the best days of your past"...I like that thought.
oh, and by the way, happy new year. As the old Irish blessing goes "May the worst days of your future be better than the best days of your past"...I like that thought.