Gashiyeon- Chapter 7 [Part 2]
I hated my hands and feet. Not only were they ugly, but they didn’t fit with anything else on my body either-like my smooth, round shoulders, well defined chest, slender waist, or my sensual thighs.
I had always wanted my fingers to have stretched out just a little longer, a little more elegantly, like the rest of me.
Because of this, I tended not to take care of them as well as I did my face or body. But even so, he was currently doing the one thing that I didn’t like him doing. He was sucking away at the toes on my unattractive, bony feet, as if it they were the substitutes for a real meal.
Occasionally, this man succeeded in doing things that were just as odd and unexpected as me- so much so that every time it did happen, it left me shaking nervously in anticipation of what was coming next.
Just as I was about to pull away my foot, he wrapped his fingers around my ankle, refusing to let me go. Because I was hungry, I wanted to avoid any substantial losses in energy if possible.
Come to think of it now, neither of us had eaten anything both before and after we had taken to the bed.
Yunho too must be finally full, now that he had had his fill of me. Geez, that guy…I knew my body was a highly nutritious, protein packed meal. But even so…
How could he go the whole day without eating anything else and continue to play with me like this. I was tempted to award with him a round of applause for that amazing stamina of his.
My big toe had been sucked and abused for so long that it had become noticeably swollen. It tickled so much that my whole body writhed in response….But I said I didn’t like it because it’s ugly….
“Stop that and come here... My lips are getting lonely without you…”
At that, with a look that seemed to comment on the many ways that I had so far managed to get what I wanted, Yunho finally released my toe from between his lips.
Air settled over the saliva coated appendage that had newly become exposed to the open. I wriggled my toes until they became dry.
As Yunho then went to dim the lights to the room, I took the opportunity to hug the blankets to myself.
As I laid diagonally across the bed with my arms outstretched, Yunho took me up on my offer and wormed in underneath the sheets and into my arms as he had done the night before.
His actions seemed as though he was rejecting my confession of love. As if trying to do everything in his power to avoid letting the thought dwell on his mind for too long he seemed now to be avoiding even the direct crossing of our eyes.
Though I did not press any further, I could feel the atmosphere surrounding us grow heavy and desolate with the whole of my body.
That was why the pit of my stomach had started to burn as if in preparation for the backflow of its contents.
He pulled my waist in even further into himself and lifted his head to look up at me.
I could see that having gone without his glasses for the whole day, the escape that it signaled from his everyday life had left him calm and at peace.
I felt pity for the Jung Yunho nestled in the warmth of my arms and I pulled his face even further into my chest.
Marriage had made you like this. Gone was the radiant Jung Yunho that had stood by my side, the strength that had managed to overcome every hardship that existed around us, crushed by the mere oppression of what was ordinary until all that remained was this pathetic sight that was laid out before me…I couldn’t accept it.
Give me my Jung Yunho back.
“I’m upset…Or more like, I hate you…I hate you so much I could die…”
“I know…”
To be honest, I had not given any particular thought to the matter even when I had heard that he had gotten married.
Even when my Mother had told me as I sat on my hard hospital bed, carefully eying my response, that Yunho had gotten married, I was not upset like she might have originally expected.
More than the shock, were the dark shadows that were stretching further and further out from the corners of my hospital room every night-
It was because my longing for him, hovering over me like an evil spirit, had grown to such an extent that I could no longer be bothered by such trivial things.
However, if his marriage was to become a hindrance to our relationship, I had planned on destroying it.
But how could something trivial like a single promise by the name of a marriage, really serve to stop us in any way.
I laughed in the face of the reality in which the clear, predestined victor had already been decided. In the end, there was no stopping us. I had gathered up my confidence.
I put a spell on myself to make myself believe. He’d come back. Even despite my current, pathetic self , trapped in this hospital room, he’d come find me. He’d love me even if I lost my radiance.
He’d draw me in close with his warm heart.
But in the end, he didn’t come- not even once in those 2 long years.
If I should meet him again, I wanted to ask if he really had gotten married after all. I wanted to scream at him and ask him how he could go and get married, having abandoned me and locked me away in this room for 2 years.
But as if to crush my resolve, he had changed.
He cast me away with that stone cold look on his face that told me that he had moved on, that there was not even an ounce of room left in his heart for me.
When we had met for the first time in that café, when he had abandoned me ruthlessly in the parking lot, and even when he had taken out his anger on me after I came to this house, I had been forced to try to preserve my determination with the sole believe that deep inside, he still did love me.
But it wasn’t because I was afraid to wake up from that spell that I kept it up; it was because I dreaded it becoming a reality.
“But I…don’t feel apologetic to you in any way….”
You’re lying...I know you’re going to be waiting with that guilt filled expression. Don’t try to hide your face. Look me in the eyes when you’re talking to me. You can’t fool me….
So stop it with the lies.
“Hnn…hah, why, why…Why aren’t you sorry…”
“You know why…You know the answer to that better than anyone…”
No I don’t know…I’ve forgotten. Trivial things like that are nothing in the face our love. I’ve trained myself to believe it.
Both then and now, I did my best to do what was right. I had felt as though I would lose my mind if I hadn’t done it.
“I can’t find it in me to forgive you…”
You’re one to talk…You’re the one who went and shed your tears even despite the fact that I had only made the best possible decision for us at the time. You were the one who turned me into the bad guy, sobbing as heart wrenchingly as you did.
I…I can’t forgive you either! Why did you push me away, even though you were the one who went ahead and acted like you would understand, no matter what I did!!!!
“Hnnn…sob…hmph…”
“You have no right to cry, Jaejoong…My pretty Jaejoong…You’re a bitch that doesn’t even have the right to shed your own tears…”
“Sob…Hahh, hnn…Go away!! I hate you…fucking bastard…sob, I hate you!!!”
He pulled my body, curled up and shaking with sobs, into his arms. I struggled wildly to free myself.
Even pounding my fists against his chest was proving futile in my attempts to escape. I sobbed and cried as loud as I could with all the strength I had left in me, threatening to make him deaf in the process.
He stroked my back to lay my screaming to rest, and rubbed carefully at my neck to stall my violent movements as he continued to accept the rough attacks of my pent up emotions, calmly and completely. I knew that he would get hurt.
The sorrow hidden in the depths of my heart loved to attack him, and had done so several times already…
But in the end, I was the one who collapsed first, thoroughly exhausted by the fit that had gotten drawn out for far too long. Even now, he continued to hold me in his arms.
It was as my erratic breathing finally evened out, that he finally seemed to be pushing back his tears.
The sound of his teary intake of breath reached my heart. My poor Jung Yunho.
Having to cradle my insanity to your chest while being unable to even freely spill your own tears.
That was my pitiable Jung Yunho.
“You asked me that time, didn’t you…to stick it in you. As I watched you beg, standing outside the parking lot…”
“Uhn…”
“I wanted to lay you down, even if it had to be on the street, and take you in my mouth…and suck you…and push myself up you so bad that I thought that I was going to die…”
“Then…Why did you act like that…sob…Why did you abandon me there…”
The sun was so hot that I had been sure that my skin was ready to be peeled back.
But what were even more unbearable than the heat was the ice cold of your eyes that seemed to cut me down to the bones.
How could you reject me when I had waited so long to see you again? I wanted to smash in the back of your head that I could see past your car windows, back then.
If I couldn’t have it, I wanted to break it open and crush it so that at least that way, you wouldn’t go anywhere else. I was ready to hold your corpse to my chest if that was what it came to. I loved you just that much.
Because even now, I still…
“Because I still loved you…”
His words, as soft and as delectable as cotton candy, suddenly left an insatiable feeling of hunger in me. I gagged at the overwhelming sensation of emptiness in my stomach.
Pushing out my tongue, I positioned myself as though as I was getting ready to vomit. But nothing came out save for the dry heaves that followed.
At this, Yunho gave me a bittersweet smile.
My lips, nose and the whole of my face felt numb. As if the tears were pouring out from every individual pore, my whole face started to tickle and itch.
I scratched at my face violently. But Yunho soon stopped me.
Wrapping one of his hands gently around both of mine, he lifted the other to carefully caress the swollen area around my eyes.
“So you don’t have to cry anymore…”
“Huhh…hnn…I’m hungry. I said I’m hungry…!!”
“Alright…alright…I’ll give it to you. Drink it all up and spazz and bitch and go crazy all you want…”
“Okay.”
With his permission granted, I stopped my crying almost immediately and buried my now vivacious face deep in between Yunho’s spread thighs.
That’s right- because you still love me. That was enough of an answer for me. Because we did not want to repeat those last 2 long, dreadful years.
Our beautiful contradiction.
That was enough. Our love was being reborn anew every moment, as did an immortal life form. It was something powerful and so very special.
That was the reason why words like separation or goodbyes did not apply to us. It was our fate to love for so long as we were unable to kill the other.
We were fragile creatures- content only when in love and able to survive only when being loved…
It was natural that we moved our lips and spread our legs for the other; because our lives depended on it.
She was coming back tomorrow. It was no wonder that I was practically starving…
I had always wanted my fingers to have stretched out just a little longer, a little more elegantly, like the rest of me.
Because of this, I tended not to take care of them as well as I did my face or body. But even so, he was currently doing the one thing that I didn’t like him doing. He was sucking away at the toes on my unattractive, bony feet, as if it they were the substitutes for a real meal.
Occasionally, this man succeeded in doing things that were just as odd and unexpected as me- so much so that every time it did happen, it left me shaking nervously in anticipation of what was coming next.
Just as I was about to pull away my foot, he wrapped his fingers around my ankle, refusing to let me go. Because I was hungry, I wanted to avoid any substantial losses in energy if possible.
Come to think of it now, neither of us had eaten anything both before and after we had taken to the bed.
Yunho too must be finally full, now that he had had his fill of me. Geez, that guy…I knew my body was a highly nutritious, protein packed meal. But even so…
How could he go the whole day without eating anything else and continue to play with me like this. I was tempted to award with him a round of applause for that amazing stamina of his.
My big toe had been sucked and abused for so long that it had become noticeably swollen. It tickled so much that my whole body writhed in response….But I said I didn’t like it because it’s ugly….
“Stop that and come here... My lips are getting lonely without you…”
At that, with a look that seemed to comment on the many ways that I had so far managed to get what I wanted, Yunho finally released my toe from between his lips.
Air settled over the saliva coated appendage that had newly become exposed to the open. I wriggled my toes until they became dry.
As Yunho then went to dim the lights to the room, I took the opportunity to hug the blankets to myself.
As I laid diagonally across the bed with my arms outstretched, Yunho took me up on my offer and wormed in underneath the sheets and into my arms as he had done the night before.
His actions seemed as though he was rejecting my confession of love. As if trying to do everything in his power to avoid letting the thought dwell on his mind for too long he seemed now to be avoiding even the direct crossing of our eyes.
Though I did not press any further, I could feel the atmosphere surrounding us grow heavy and desolate with the whole of my body.
That was why the pit of my stomach had started to burn as if in preparation for the backflow of its contents.
He pulled my waist in even further into himself and lifted his head to look up at me.
I could see that having gone without his glasses for the whole day, the escape that it signaled from his everyday life had left him calm and at peace.
I felt pity for the Jung Yunho nestled in the warmth of my arms and I pulled his face even further into my chest.
Marriage had made you like this. Gone was the radiant Jung Yunho that had stood by my side, the strength that had managed to overcome every hardship that existed around us, crushed by the mere oppression of what was ordinary until all that remained was this pathetic sight that was laid out before me…I couldn’t accept it.
Give me my Jung Yunho back.
“I’m upset…Or more like, I hate you…I hate you so much I could die…”
“I know…”
To be honest, I had not given any particular thought to the matter even when I had heard that he had gotten married.
Even when my Mother had told me as I sat on my hard hospital bed, carefully eying my response, that Yunho had gotten married, I was not upset like she might have originally expected.
More than the shock, were the dark shadows that were stretching further and further out from the corners of my hospital room every night-
It was because my longing for him, hovering over me like an evil spirit, had grown to such an extent that I could no longer be bothered by such trivial things.
However, if his marriage was to become a hindrance to our relationship, I had planned on destroying it.
But how could something trivial like a single promise by the name of a marriage, really serve to stop us in any way.
I laughed in the face of the reality in which the clear, predestined victor had already been decided. In the end, there was no stopping us. I had gathered up my confidence.
I put a spell on myself to make myself believe. He’d come back. Even despite my current, pathetic self , trapped in this hospital room, he’d come find me. He’d love me even if I lost my radiance.
He’d draw me in close with his warm heart.
But in the end, he didn’t come- not even once in those 2 long years.
If I should meet him again, I wanted to ask if he really had gotten married after all. I wanted to scream at him and ask him how he could go and get married, having abandoned me and locked me away in this room for 2 years.
But as if to crush my resolve, he had changed.
He cast me away with that stone cold look on his face that told me that he had moved on, that there was not even an ounce of room left in his heart for me.
When we had met for the first time in that café, when he had abandoned me ruthlessly in the parking lot, and even when he had taken out his anger on me after I came to this house, I had been forced to try to preserve my determination with the sole believe that deep inside, he still did love me.
But it wasn’t because I was afraid to wake up from that spell that I kept it up; it was because I dreaded it becoming a reality.
“But I…don’t feel apologetic to you in any way….”
You’re lying...I know you’re going to be waiting with that guilt filled expression. Don’t try to hide your face. Look me in the eyes when you’re talking to me. You can’t fool me….
So stop it with the lies.
“Hnn…hah, why, why…Why aren’t you sorry…”
“You know why…You know the answer to that better than anyone…”
No I don’t know…I’ve forgotten. Trivial things like that are nothing in the face our love. I’ve trained myself to believe it.
Both then and now, I did my best to do what was right. I had felt as though I would lose my mind if I hadn’t done it.
“I can’t find it in me to forgive you…”
You’re one to talk…You’re the one who went and shed your tears even despite the fact that I had only made the best possible decision for us at the time. You were the one who turned me into the bad guy, sobbing as heart wrenchingly as you did.
I…I can’t forgive you either! Why did you push me away, even though you were the one who went ahead and acted like you would understand, no matter what I did!!!!
“Hnnn…sob…hmph…”
“You have no right to cry, Jaejoong…My pretty Jaejoong…You’re a bitch that doesn’t even have the right to shed your own tears…”
“Sob…Hahh, hnn…Go away!! I hate you…fucking bastard…sob, I hate you!!!”
He pulled my body, curled up and shaking with sobs, into his arms. I struggled wildly to free myself.
Even pounding my fists against his chest was proving futile in my attempts to escape. I sobbed and cried as loud as I could with all the strength I had left in me, threatening to make him deaf in the process.
He stroked my back to lay my screaming to rest, and rubbed carefully at my neck to stall my violent movements as he continued to accept the rough attacks of my pent up emotions, calmly and completely. I knew that he would get hurt.
The sorrow hidden in the depths of my heart loved to attack him, and had done so several times already…
But in the end, I was the one who collapsed first, thoroughly exhausted by the fit that had gotten drawn out for far too long. Even now, he continued to hold me in his arms.
It was as my erratic breathing finally evened out, that he finally seemed to be pushing back his tears.
The sound of his teary intake of breath reached my heart. My poor Jung Yunho.
Having to cradle my insanity to your chest while being unable to even freely spill your own tears.
That was my pitiable Jung Yunho.
“You asked me that time, didn’t you…to stick it in you. As I watched you beg, standing outside the parking lot…”
“Uhn…”
“I wanted to lay you down, even if it had to be on the street, and take you in my mouth…and suck you…and push myself up you so bad that I thought that I was going to die…”
“Then…Why did you act like that…sob…Why did you abandon me there…”
The sun was so hot that I had been sure that my skin was ready to be peeled back.
But what were even more unbearable than the heat was the ice cold of your eyes that seemed to cut me down to the bones.
How could you reject me when I had waited so long to see you again? I wanted to smash in the back of your head that I could see past your car windows, back then.
If I couldn’t have it, I wanted to break it open and crush it so that at least that way, you wouldn’t go anywhere else. I was ready to hold your corpse to my chest if that was what it came to. I loved you just that much.
Because even now, I still…
“Because I still loved you…”
His words, as soft and as delectable as cotton candy, suddenly left an insatiable feeling of hunger in me. I gagged at the overwhelming sensation of emptiness in my stomach.
Pushing out my tongue, I positioned myself as though as I was getting ready to vomit. But nothing came out save for the dry heaves that followed.
At this, Yunho gave me a bittersweet smile.
My lips, nose and the whole of my face felt numb. As if the tears were pouring out from every individual pore, my whole face started to tickle and itch.
I scratched at my face violently. But Yunho soon stopped me.
Wrapping one of his hands gently around both of mine, he lifted the other to carefully caress the swollen area around my eyes.
“So you don’t have to cry anymore…”
“Huhh…hnn…I’m hungry. I said I’m hungry…!!”
“Alright…alright…I’ll give it to you. Drink it all up and spazz and bitch and go crazy all you want…”
“Okay.”
With his permission granted, I stopped my crying almost immediately and buried my now vivacious face deep in between Yunho’s spread thighs.
That’s right- because you still love me. That was enough of an answer for me. Because we did not want to repeat those last 2 long, dreadful years.
Our beautiful contradiction.
That was enough. Our love was being reborn anew every moment, as did an immortal life form. It was something powerful and so very special.
That was the reason why words like separation or goodbyes did not apply to us. It was our fate to love for so long as we were unable to kill the other.
We were fragile creatures- content only when in love and able to survive only when being loved…
It was natural that we moved our lips and spread our legs for the other; because our lives depended on it.
She was coming back tomorrow. It was no wonder that I was practically starving…