the past is the past. the present is here. the future is for later on.
I had a unsual dream, some woman came to me and said that she was my birth mother. I of course rejected that idea and woke up to head to the bathroom and do my stuff.
But what if that happens? Will I reject that idea or concept from a person just as quickly as I did in my dream? Or will it be more complex than that? I mean I want to find out why, and everything that entails. But than again, I think I'd rather not know. Its been 20 years, and not once has my "mother(the woman who bore me)" tried to look me up. Maybe she can't, maybe she doesn't have the resources, you may say.
True, but there are still ways in finding out. Why in the world does this still bug me? Some people would ask if I told them what was constantly going on in my head. Maybe because every where I look majority of people have their parents, or know of their parents and can easily accept the fact that they weren't able to be cared for. They can find out who they are and possibly any siblings that they may have had or still do have. Why you ask? Why do I feel like this? Especially when I have parents who love me. Even when one of them can't mind their own business and reads my journal. Why?
Simple. Everyone wants to know who they are, what they're past is, their family history, and how all of that will mold them to be in the future. If you can tell me that a person doesn't want any of that, than I think you need your brain examined.
I mean I'd like to honestly find out rather or not I'm a full-blooded Korean, do I have any sisters or brothers, or nieces, or nephews. If my biological family were too poor, or too snobby and didn't care about kids. I want to find out about my family history. How did my birth mother receive Hepatitis B? Is she still alive? Does anyone else in the family have it. That sort of thing.
I want to know so much, but there's nothing to know about my past. If a woman came to me and said that you're my daughter/sister/cousin than I might not reject that idea as quickly as I did in my dream. Than again, I might be a bit wary of such happenings because its kinda rare that happens.
Though I do have a dual citizenship here in America and in S. Korea, I think I'd prefer to go where ever my future husband will go. No matter where. And if I did have a child now, and for some reason couldn't keep the child, I would adopt, but ask if there was a way to visit the child. Be their "aunt" or something. Just so I would know that they would be okay with the family. Of course that depends on the family too.
But back to the original question: Would I reject such an offer as quickly as possible. I don't know. Maybe. But than again maybe not. I honestly don't know. And right now its probably best that I don't find out.
I guess this has been on my mind more often than I'd like to admit. Its the main thing that's been making me all mellow and blah like for the past couple of months. Its nothing to do with my mom reading my journal(which she shouldn't do anyway, considering journals are supposed to be private), or my dad (whose concerned that Mike might not be as much of a gentleman that he seems to be. Or that he'll hurt me in some way), or even Mike himself(whose concern and love for me astounds me more and more each day. I never realized how nice it feels to freely love somebody and have that somebody love me back as much as he does).
I've just been having confusing things going on. I'm confused. I don't know if I want to find out my history, or if I'm content with what I've already got. Which actually I'm beyond content. I have a family, and that's all that really matters. The past is the past. Why I can't get over that is beyond me, but I"m just having minor issues with that. That's all.
But what if that happens? Will I reject that idea or concept from a person just as quickly as I did in my dream? Or will it be more complex than that? I mean I want to find out why, and everything that entails. But than again, I think I'd rather not know. Its been 20 years, and not once has my "mother(the woman who bore me)" tried to look me up. Maybe she can't, maybe she doesn't have the resources, you may say.
True, but there are still ways in finding out. Why in the world does this still bug me? Some people would ask if I told them what was constantly going on in my head. Maybe because every where I look majority of people have their parents, or know of their parents and can easily accept the fact that they weren't able to be cared for. They can find out who they are and possibly any siblings that they may have had or still do have. Why you ask? Why do I feel like this? Especially when I have parents who love me. Even when one of them can't mind their own business and reads my journal. Why?
Simple. Everyone wants to know who they are, what they're past is, their family history, and how all of that will mold them to be in the future. If you can tell me that a person doesn't want any of that, than I think you need your brain examined.
I mean I'd like to honestly find out rather or not I'm a full-blooded Korean, do I have any sisters or brothers, or nieces, or nephews. If my biological family were too poor, or too snobby and didn't care about kids. I want to find out about my family history. How did my birth mother receive Hepatitis B? Is she still alive? Does anyone else in the family have it. That sort of thing.
I want to know so much, but there's nothing to know about my past. If a woman came to me and said that you're my daughter/sister/cousin than I might not reject that idea as quickly as I did in my dream. Than again, I might be a bit wary of such happenings because its kinda rare that happens.
Though I do have a dual citizenship here in America and in S. Korea, I think I'd prefer to go where ever my future husband will go. No matter where. And if I did have a child now, and for some reason couldn't keep the child, I would adopt, but ask if there was a way to visit the child. Be their "aunt" or something. Just so I would know that they would be okay with the family. Of course that depends on the family too.
But back to the original question: Would I reject such an offer as quickly as possible. I don't know. Maybe. But than again maybe not. I honestly don't know. And right now its probably best that I don't find out.
I guess this has been on my mind more often than I'd like to admit. Its the main thing that's been making me all mellow and blah like for the past couple of months. Its nothing to do with my mom reading my journal(which she shouldn't do anyway, considering journals are supposed to be private), or my dad (whose concerned that Mike might not be as much of a gentleman that he seems to be. Or that he'll hurt me in some way), or even Mike himself(whose concern and love for me astounds me more and more each day. I never realized how nice it feels to freely love somebody and have that somebody love me back as much as he does).
I've just been having confusing things going on. I'm confused. I don't know if I want to find out my history, or if I'm content with what I've already got. Which actually I'm beyond content. I have a family, and that's all that really matters. The past is the past. Why I can't get over that is beyond me, but I"m just having minor issues with that. That's all.