[Beatty was resting against the railing, smoking his last cigarette from what was left in his room. He knew O'Brien was there, but didn't turn around until he had taken a few moments to compose himself. This was very difficult to say.]
Good day. [A pause.] I think....I owe you an apology.
[He leaned back against the railing more, as that had taken more of an emotional toll than he thought. He was...shamed by it, certainly, as he felt he had already given up as much control as possible. But, as it turned out, he was wrong. That apology gave up more than he thought. It was strange, he thought, to not be considered an equal anymore. Or to not feel himself as an equal.]
For taking it. [A hesitation. His next words came out slowly, as if he was searching for each word before he spoke it.] For hurting you with it. It wasn't my intention.
To give you back what I had taken. [He shrugged, thinking that part was obvious, though he wasn't talking entirely about the letter.] I took it from you, so I made certain you would take it back.
[He smiled bitterly, shaking his head.] No, it hadn't occurred to me. [There was a brief hesitation where he flicked the rest of his cigarette off the railing.]
And wasn't there a time, not too long ago, when you tried to convince people that we were not the same? It seems a bit difficult to do when you don't seem to believe it yourself.
[Beatty kept his eyes on the abyss because he was right. O'Brien was right and Beatty hated it. It took all of his previous anger away, at least. He wanted to spin this in his favor, though. His first inclination was to make up something to talk his way out of it, to save himself, but he couldn't. The words were there. He could practically taste them on his tongue. But he didn't say them.]
No. You're right. It doesn't change that. It doesn't change any of that. But...like I said...it was before. When I wanted to know because I had to. It wasn't simply for curiosity. That was a main reason, but it wasn't the only reason. You're fucking right. It was for power, for a while. But the longer it sat there, the longer I didn't want it.
That's what I was giving back. Or trying to. [He wanted so much to walk off. This was hard. He hadn't anticipated that at all. Everything about this was hard.
So hard...that he wanted to give up. He didn't want to deal with it. But he knew that was a bad, bad idea.]
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Now.
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Good day. [A pause.] I think....I owe you an apology.
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For taking it. [A hesitation. His next words came out slowly, as if he was searching for each word before he spoke it.] For hurting you with it. It wasn't my intention.
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And wasn't there a time, not too long ago, when you tried to convince people that we were not the same? It seems a bit difficult to do when you don't seem to believe it yourself.
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You assumed you knew what it meant, I assumed the same. We were both wrong.
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Curiosity, I suppose.
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No. You're right. It doesn't change that. It doesn't change any of that. But...like I said...it was before. When I wanted to know because I had to. It wasn't simply for curiosity. That was a main reason, but it wasn't the only reason. You're fucking right. It was for power, for a while. But the longer it sat there, the longer I didn't want it.
That's what I was giving back. Or trying to. [He wanted so much to walk off. This was hard. He hadn't anticipated that at all. Everything about this was hard.
So hard...that he wanted to give up. He didn't want to deal with it. But he knew that was a bad, bad idea.]
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