spent
How did I get here? Suddenly you're on a road you did not choose.Life happens. I feel like I started this life with a shock absorbing fog that filtered whatever came in, making shit easier to deal with. I don't believe in god but I feel like something or someone is always testing me. All of my strength was used up during the molestation. I had a few years to get myself together and happy. I did get myself in a better place and things were great. The first rape happened 7 years later and I was right back where I started. All the hard work I had done and my therapist had done over the course of 7 years was gone in seconds. Despite the setback, I was able to get back on track. Six years after that, I met an older man named Jason. Jason had alot of problems but made me feel like a queen and I loved him for it. A year later Jason committed suicide. After that, it was pretty much over - by "it" I mean my strength and will. One more rape happened a couple years after that and it was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. Not because of the act itself but because it turned off all feeling and what little sense of myself I had left - went away. I was in bad shape before it happened and I literally felt my personality change within a couple of days. The inevitable tears and sadness can delay your journey with immobilizing depression - or they can provide the necessary healing for your emotional wounds and restore your joy. The part that is supposed to involve joy comes in spurts at best. It's like every breath that I take only turns to a fight for survival. Each thought that I feel only turns to tears. Each friend that I make only turns into a distant memory. I have more memories than friends. I have so many questions about how and why my life came to be the way it is. I hope that eventually I find the answers and I won't be on this endless plateau anymore.