A Sure Thing is Etched in Stone
As I'm forced farther and farther into my own, quiet, lonely corner, I look out toward the hopeful light that fades as each moment drags by. I slowly beging to shut down. My feelings, my expressions, my thoughts, my motives, my desires, my personality, and my soul retreat to somewhere deep inside of me. I try my best to put the cork on the top to keep it all inside, to keep those parts of me from escaping and creating more havok and disruption.
I'm not always successful at keeping the bottle corked though. Every now and then little murmurs escape.
I send text messages, cries for help.
"I wish i didn't feel so lost and unwanted and ostracized."
"I wish you didn't either. What brought that on?" came the reply.
I reply with, "Tired. I've been thinking it all day. Just kept it inside."
Then, another answer. "Im so sorry Michael. I wish I could take your pain away. It hurts me that you heart hurts."
And lastly, just to drive the message home, I send one last message. "There just doesn't seem to be anything that anyone can do. It's hopeless."
Then, sleep comes, and I toss and turn and sigh and cry and mourn my solitude. Then, morning comes as marked by my alarm, and for some reason I decide it would be a good idea to send another text message, this time, to the source of my pain.
"No one should ever feel as lost, unwanted, and neglected as you have made me feel recently since your less than welcome greeting to miami. I am beyond confused and hurt and I feel totally helpless. I use to be so hopeful but now i realize how stupid it is to believe that one day you'll have some great revelation and come rushing home to me. Why are you so good at hiding and denying everything? Why is it so easy for you to destroy me?"
I wonder how someone would even begin to respond to such a text message.
As a side note, I'd like to point out just how impersonal technology is pushing us to become. Each day, as more and more advances are made, the space between human beings is growing smaller and yet larger, all at the same time.
My lies are becoming more frequent.
"I should probably stop. Am I just confusing you even more, Michael?" someone asks.
"No," I reply, wondering whether or not the other person will pick up on the insincerity and half-heartedness of my answer, but at least for those few moments, I was smiling. The truth had reappeared if only for a fraction of a second, its glow and warmth shaking up the bottle I had kept corked. The carbonated bubbles of hope began to reappear as well, furthering the chaos, confusion, and crumbling state of my composure.
I've found that the feeling of wanting to see him and wanting to be with him, but at the same time not wanting to see him or be around him, doesn't just apply to him anymore. It applies to anyone in my close group of friends. The reasoning behind that, is because whenever I'm around them, I'm reminded of him. I don't want to be alone, but it hurts whenever they try to fill my lonely void. It feels like a constant struggle, a never ending battle.
I'll go ahead and thank the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith for my next analogy.
It feel as though the space between us is getting bigger and bigger while filling up with all the things we don't say.
Some of what we don't way escaped this morning in the form of a text message, but I can't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I can't decide if I should continue letting things slip, continue pouring out my soul.
I suppose it would be polite to explain the Miami/Soho incident, but I don't want to turn it into some great, theatrical event. Our talks either go to one extreme or the other. Either we sort things out and end on a happy, hopeful note, usually leaving with a heartfelt hug/kiss, or we end in a huff and storm off to our own corners of the ring, just waiting for the next bout. I end up crying, and he probably just goes up to his room to listen to music really loudly while rationalizing all his emotions away.
Bah...what's the use?
One thing that I can't stop thinking about is something he said to me a while ago.
"Michael, I'm not going to try anything with you again until I'm sure. Until things are etched in stone."
Etched in stone, huh?
Well, not only did that statement prove to be false, but as each day goes by I realize just how ridiculous of a statment it really is. I've tried on several occassions to remember a time when any one thing in my life was ever etched in stone. I still have yet to come up with anything.
And that's just it. Nothing is ever etched in stone.
"It's about one moment
that moment you think you know where you stand
and in that one moment
the things that you're sure of slip from your hand
and you got one second
to try to be clear
to try to stand stall
but nothings the same
and the wind starts to blow
"and oh, you're suddenly a stranger
in some completely different land
and you thought you knew
but you didn't have a clue
that the surface sometimes cracks
to reveal the tracks
to a new world"
Songs for a New World puts it best I think. Amazing collection of songs.
And here's where it all comes full circle. I'll go ahead and restate the fact that I don't believe in coincidences...ya know, just to be safe.
Monica and Danny went to see Songs for a New World last night, to their surprise, and I wonder if Danny got it. I wonder if he understood what the collection as a whole was saying. I wonder if he cried when he heard the truth in "I'm Not Afraid of Anything." I wonder if he felt sorrow when he heard the heartache of "Stars and the Moon." I wonder if ANY of it hit home, or did it all just go in one ear and out the other like half the things I've preached to him on a dozen or so ocassions. Did he listen? Probably. Did he fight it? Oh of course he did.
"Who would give up what they want without a trial, another mile? I'm not afraid."
And I'm not, but that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to it either...
signed = haplesstext
I'm not always successful at keeping the bottle corked though. Every now and then little murmurs escape.
I send text messages, cries for help.
"I wish i didn't feel so lost and unwanted and ostracized."
"I wish you didn't either. What brought that on?" came the reply.
I reply with, "Tired. I've been thinking it all day. Just kept it inside."
Then, another answer. "Im so sorry Michael. I wish I could take your pain away. It hurts me that you heart hurts."
And lastly, just to drive the message home, I send one last message. "There just doesn't seem to be anything that anyone can do. It's hopeless."
Then, sleep comes, and I toss and turn and sigh and cry and mourn my solitude. Then, morning comes as marked by my alarm, and for some reason I decide it would be a good idea to send another text message, this time, to the source of my pain.
"No one should ever feel as lost, unwanted, and neglected as you have made me feel recently since your less than welcome greeting to miami. I am beyond confused and hurt and I feel totally helpless. I use to be so hopeful but now i realize how stupid it is to believe that one day you'll have some great revelation and come rushing home to me. Why are you so good at hiding and denying everything? Why is it so easy for you to destroy me?"
I wonder how someone would even begin to respond to such a text message.
As a side note, I'd like to point out just how impersonal technology is pushing us to become. Each day, as more and more advances are made, the space between human beings is growing smaller and yet larger, all at the same time.
My lies are becoming more frequent.
"I should probably stop. Am I just confusing you even more, Michael?" someone asks.
"No," I reply, wondering whether or not the other person will pick up on the insincerity and half-heartedness of my answer, but at least for those few moments, I was smiling. The truth had reappeared if only for a fraction of a second, its glow and warmth shaking up the bottle I had kept corked. The carbonated bubbles of hope began to reappear as well, furthering the chaos, confusion, and crumbling state of my composure.
I've found that the feeling of wanting to see him and wanting to be with him, but at the same time not wanting to see him or be around him, doesn't just apply to him anymore. It applies to anyone in my close group of friends. The reasoning behind that, is because whenever I'm around them, I'm reminded of him. I don't want to be alone, but it hurts whenever they try to fill my lonely void. It feels like a constant struggle, a never ending battle.
I'll go ahead and thank the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith for my next analogy.
It feel as though the space between us is getting bigger and bigger while filling up with all the things we don't say.
Some of what we don't way escaped this morning in the form of a text message, but I can't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I can't decide if I should continue letting things slip, continue pouring out my soul.
I suppose it would be polite to explain the Miami/Soho incident, but I don't want to turn it into some great, theatrical event. Our talks either go to one extreme or the other. Either we sort things out and end on a happy, hopeful note, usually leaving with a heartfelt hug/kiss, or we end in a huff and storm off to our own corners of the ring, just waiting for the next bout. I end up crying, and he probably just goes up to his room to listen to music really loudly while rationalizing all his emotions away.
Bah...what's the use?
One thing that I can't stop thinking about is something he said to me a while ago.
"Michael, I'm not going to try anything with you again until I'm sure. Until things are etched in stone."
Etched in stone, huh?
Well, not only did that statement prove to be false, but as each day goes by I realize just how ridiculous of a statment it really is. I've tried on several occassions to remember a time when any one thing in my life was ever etched in stone. I still have yet to come up with anything.
And that's just it. Nothing is ever etched in stone.
"It's about one moment
that moment you think you know where you stand
and in that one moment
the things that you're sure of slip from your hand
and you got one second
to try to be clear
to try to stand stall
but nothings the same
and the wind starts to blow
"and oh, you're suddenly a stranger
in some completely different land
and you thought you knew
but you didn't have a clue
that the surface sometimes cracks
to reveal the tracks
to a new world"
Songs for a New World puts it best I think. Amazing collection of songs.
And here's where it all comes full circle. I'll go ahead and restate the fact that I don't believe in coincidences...ya know, just to be safe.
Monica and Danny went to see Songs for a New World last night, to their surprise, and I wonder if Danny got it. I wonder if he understood what the collection as a whole was saying. I wonder if he cried when he heard the truth in "I'm Not Afraid of Anything." I wonder if he felt sorrow when he heard the heartache of "Stars and the Moon." I wonder if ANY of it hit home, or did it all just go in one ear and out the other like half the things I've preached to him on a dozen or so ocassions. Did he listen? Probably. Did he fight it? Oh of course he did.
"Who would give up what they want without a trial, another mile? I'm not afraid."
And I'm not, but that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to it either...
signed = haplesstext