Some random thoughts...
Dec. 26th 2011
Here I stand.
I feel like I'm the stick above the exclamation point's period. With my feet just off the ground. I feel almost afraid to touch the ground because it isn't real beneath me. I know that's just feelings of insecurity. Things have been so wrong and hard in my life that I am having a difficult time excepting that things are ok now. I mean really ok.
I left behind everything I had and went on a wild journey through love, drugs, and onto despair. At one point I thought my next great step in life was going to be death, my last step. I have done so many things in the last few years that I am not proud of. Moving forward though, I have also done so many wonderful things in the last 21 months since I made the choice to get clean.
Today I am truly grateful for my life and the people that are in it.
Jan 3rd
Where does a person start when they tell a story? The end or the beginning? Or do they start in the middle and work sideways on a weird plain that is a little off kilter and balance it out with the moral of the story back at the beginning? I think it would probably work out either way. I told my story basically in two paragraphs. I am an insecure former drug addict. That sounds rough but something has to define me right?
Our society is all about labels and my label would be insecure former drug addict. I hate labels but they help to sort out the masses I suppose. So labels we shall have because I must have one. I am quick to label people though… poor, ghetto, snobby, slutty, passive aggressive, etc.… People that are passive aggressive drive me crazy. I believe it’s because I have some passive aggressive traits. Of course i have been told we see in others things we do not like about ourselves. One of these days I will be old and probably even wiser than I am now. Until then I will listen with my ears only half open and take only the things I need/want for my selfish nature and store the rest for a day when I have a “moment” where I realize “oh, that’s what they meant” I have to laugh a little at that.
Jan 10th
Full moons, flowers blooming, music that I can sing with, and putting a smile on the faces of people that I love are all things that make me feel good. Contentment can’t be measured in the number of full moons, bouquets, my favorite sing a long on repeat, or in a hoard of people I love smiling. Contentment can only be measured within. I find myself on a roller coaster of satisfaction with extreme highs and devastating lows. Where do the highs come from and where do the lows manifest? The highs are achieved when personal goals are met. The lows come from lack of effort and commitment on my part. I know that when I decide to do something I get extremely happy about it generally I love making those pivotal decisions that will change the world as I know it. Well at least my world at any rate. I want certain areas of my life to be better. I want to feel more confident and learn to reach out and take what is mine and enjoy taking it. I have to work on personal goals in order to get where I want to be.
I used my quitting of using illegal substance as a “I stopped using drugs what more do you want from me?” for far too long now. Now it’s time to move on the next goal. I have myself back but where to next?
Weight loss and learning to manage money/time more efficiently are my next big goals.
What is awesome is I have lost a large number of pounds before so that is a mind of matter situation. Just use a little self-control and take the initiative to make it happen. Now the money and time thing, those might be a little harder seeing as how I’m a free spender on a day dreamers schedule!
Here I stand.
I feel like I'm the stick above the exclamation point's period. With my feet just off the ground. I feel almost afraid to touch the ground because it isn't real beneath me. I know that's just feelings of insecurity. Things have been so wrong and hard in my life that I am having a difficult time excepting that things are ok now. I mean really ok.
I left behind everything I had and went on a wild journey through love, drugs, and onto despair. At one point I thought my next great step in life was going to be death, my last step. I have done so many things in the last few years that I am not proud of. Moving forward though, I have also done so many wonderful things in the last 21 months since I made the choice to get clean.
Today I am truly grateful for my life and the people that are in it.
Jan 3rd
Where does a person start when they tell a story? The end or the beginning? Or do they start in the middle and work sideways on a weird plain that is a little off kilter and balance it out with the moral of the story back at the beginning? I think it would probably work out either way. I told my story basically in two paragraphs. I am an insecure former drug addict. That sounds rough but something has to define me right?
Our society is all about labels and my label would be insecure former drug addict. I hate labels but they help to sort out the masses I suppose. So labels we shall have because I must have one. I am quick to label people though… poor, ghetto, snobby, slutty, passive aggressive, etc.… People that are passive aggressive drive me crazy. I believe it’s because I have some passive aggressive traits. Of course i have been told we see in others things we do not like about ourselves. One of these days I will be old and probably even wiser than I am now. Until then I will listen with my ears only half open and take only the things I need/want for my selfish nature and store the rest for a day when I have a “moment” where I realize “oh, that’s what they meant” I have to laugh a little at that.
Jan 10th
Full moons, flowers blooming, music that I can sing with, and putting a smile on the faces of people that I love are all things that make me feel good. Contentment can’t be measured in the number of full moons, bouquets, my favorite sing a long on repeat, or in a hoard of people I love smiling. Contentment can only be measured within. I find myself on a roller coaster of satisfaction with extreme highs and devastating lows. Where do the highs come from and where do the lows manifest? The highs are achieved when personal goals are met. The lows come from lack of effort and commitment on my part. I know that when I decide to do something I get extremely happy about it generally I love making those pivotal decisions that will change the world as I know it. Well at least my world at any rate. I want certain areas of my life to be better. I want to feel more confident and learn to reach out and take what is mine and enjoy taking it. I have to work on personal goals in order to get where I want to be.
I used my quitting of using illegal substance as a “I stopped using drugs what more do you want from me?” for far too long now. Now it’s time to move on the next goal. I have myself back but where to next?
Weight loss and learning to manage money/time more efficiently are my next big goals.
What is awesome is I have lost a large number of pounds before so that is a mind of matter situation. Just use a little self-control and take the initiative to make it happen. Now the money and time thing, those might be a little harder seeing as how I’m a free spender on a day dreamers schedule!