Hapax Legoman Is... Five Years Of Facebook Statuses.
Following on from the previous blog entry: my life as summarised through the lens of five years of Facebook status updates...
2007
Hapax Legoman "is, therefore he thinks."
Hapax Legoman "is writing in the third person. And looking for a housemate. If you hear of anyone who might be interested, please let Jordan know."
Hapax Legoman "is now in the top hundred people in the world on the Facebook iLike Music Challenge. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Hapax Legoman "is now past the halfway-point of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And it just got so much better. :-)"
Hapax Legoman. "Now over two-thirds of the way through Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And is now putting it down to take advantage of this beautiful day."
Hapax Legoman. "... Meh. The day's not that great. Less than a quarter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to go."
Hapax Legoman. "... Bloody heck. Fifty odd pages of The Deathly Hallows to go and I've got to head off for dinner. Probably ought to plan lessons for Year 7 and 10 too..."
Hapax Legoman "is finished with The Deathly Hallows. Unlike many of the characters therein, unfortunately Professor Morris has to return to school tomorrow."
Hapax Legoman "is taller in real life."
Hapax Legoman "is not going to change his Facebook status to the inappropriate phrase suggested by Phoebe. :P"
Hapax Legoman "is wishing more people would play Scrabulous with him."
Hapax Legoman "is now up to more than 100 answered questions on 10 Second Interview. Which took a lot longer than 10 seconds."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering why Julius Caesar is giving him the finger. Actually, it's probably because Julius is sick of idiots coming up and posing for photographs with him."
Hapax Legoman "is running out of interesting profile pictures."
Hapax Legoman "is on school holidays."
Hapax Legoman "is incapable of being summarised in two hundred and fifty-five characters."
Hapax Legoman "is very happy to hear that Billy Bragg and Björk will be in Australia next year. As always, Jordan wishes it was still the nineties, but this is at least a start."
Hapax Legoman "is feeling solipsistic. You are probably a figment of his imagination."
Hapax Legoman "is truly happy."
Hapax Legoman "is exhausted (but still happy.)"
Hapax Legoman "is supposed to be at school at 5:30 in the morning. He had forgotten that there even *was* a 5:30 in the morning."
Hapax Legoman "is ... wow... there really *is* a 5:30 in the morning!"
Hapax Legoman "is apologetic because Facebook apparently just sent everyone a notification that he'd updated his blog. He didn't mean to do that."
Hapax Legoman "is he as you are he as you are me and we are all together."
Hapax Legoman "is The Carpenter."
Hapax Legoman "is marking."
Hapax Legoman "is wanted, dead or alive. Actually, alive would be preferable if you can manage it. Thanks!"
Hapax Legoman "is in need of new day-to-day shoes after destroying his in the 6-inch deep muddy water and constant rain of an Elton John mosh pit. (Yes, you read that right.)"
Hapax Legoman "is in-between internet providers."
Hapax Legoman "is ten years late in his thinking, but it's sadly ironic that Katie Bender was killed by an exploding hospital and that her memorial's a bit of rock by the lake."
Hapax Legoman "is bored with the internet. There doesn't seem to be anything good on it."
Hapax Legoman "hopes everyone has had a great Saturnalia and is wishing you all a happy Dies Natalis Solis Invicti."
2008
Hapax Legoman "is wishing you all a happy International Year of the Potato."
Hapax Legoman. "Jordan Bo Bordan Bonana Fanna Fo Fordan Mee My Mo Mordan. Jordan!"
Hapax Legoman "isn't in the ACT or New South Wales. (He's nowhere particularly exotic, it's just not often that he gets to say that, that's all)."
Hapax Legoman "is back in the AC(C)T. You don't know how lucky you be."
Hapax Legoman "is thinking, "if someone who'd married and had a daughter to one of the Dawson's Creek girls had to die then why couldn't it have been Tom Cruise?""
Hapax Legoman. "... "You're an enigma, Jordy. I don't know where you came from. And I don't know where you're going. But I love you." (Gran, 2008.)"
Hapax Legoman "is a hound dog in the sun."
Hapax Legoman "is reading the Facebook 'privacy' policy: "Facebook may also collect information about you from other sources, such as newspapers". Um... okaaay."
Hapax Legoman "is the rerun that you'll always force yourself to sit through."
Hapax Legoman "is autumn cleaning."
Hapax Legoman "is as constant as the northern star."
Hapax Legoman. "Constant in the darkness, where's that at? if you want me I'll be in the bar..."
Hapax Legoman "is genetically modifying & experimenting on humans, polluting the environment, causing social injustice & poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy & taking drugs."
Hapax Legoman "is drinking absinthe. It makes the heart grow fonder."
Hapax Legoman "is worshipping Anglo-Saxon equinoctial goddesses."
Hapax Legoman "is attempting to come up with a witty status update."
Hapax Legoman "is shaken, not stirred."
Hapax Legoman "is attempting to come up with a witty status update.
Hapax Legoman "is like a book, elegantly bound but in a language that you can't read just yet."
Hapax Legoman "is like a puppy dog on its knees. Is that even possible? Are there knees on dogs' legs?"
Hapax Legoman "is thinking, "hmmm... if this is autumn, I wonder what they've got planned for winter. I hope they haven't played all their cards too soon"."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering if the constant inquisition about what I'm "doing right now" is some sort of CIA conspiracy to keep tabs on us all."
Hapax Legoman "has come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And he's all out of bubblegum."
Hapax Legoman "is passed out in your engine. Also, your mechanic is a pony."
Hapax Legoman "is not the Messiah."
Hapax Legoman "played dice with God. And He won."
Hapax Legoman "can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend."
Hapax Legoman "won't lace your Coke with anthrax or anything."
Hapax Legoman "is the son and heir of nothing in particular."
Hapax Legoman. "...Armageddon is bedding this picture all right. My Marilyn, come to my slum for an hour!"
Hapax Legoman "is one week away from retirement. And half-expecting Mel Gibson to show up."
Hapax Legoman "is a silkworm moth."
Hapax Legoman "is annoying."
Hapax Legoman "doesn't know what he is doing right now."
Hapax Legoman "will not try it in his house. He will not click it with his mouse. He'd rather die by grappling hook. He does not like this "new Facebook"."
Hapax Legoman. "...ice cracks on a seamless line."
Hapax Legoman "hates the new Facebook. Such an ingenious way to stop people from using their product."
Hapax Legoman "is doing his tax. And his brain hurts."
Hapax Legoman "is watching fuel prices at the petrol station across the road and wondering what decade it is. "
Hapax Legoman "has *not* answered any questions about anyone's personal life. He has not even added that application. He clicked a link and it spammed everyone he knows."
2009
Hapax Legoman "was just surprised to find his article on parenting at the newsagent (Wondertime, page 122). Jordan does not actually have any children."
Hapax Legoman "is AlanLamontJoanPhyllisMorjoPurpleRabbitLamontSydneyTheGreenOrangeJuiceJomoLemonGingerNutCheetahBarcooMorizzleOrlaanrisBlackAudreyEauD’IsseyGreenFrog."
Hapax Legoman "is astonished that the new ending actually makes sense. Thirty-five minutes ago."
Hapax Legoman "doesn't know what Twitter is, yet his intuition is telling him that it must be whatever the hell Facebook is trying to imitate right now."
Hapax Legoman "just read that the world's foremost expert on the neurobiology of transsexuals is named Dick Swaab. For some reason, I find that amusing."
Hapax Legoman "is staring blankly at the keyboard, hands poised over the keys. He realises he has run out of things to do on the Internet and is not sure what to do next."
Hapax Legoman "read the SMH article about Twitter and is ironically posting about it here. Evan Williams seems down-to-Earth, but Biz Stone is a pompous, self-important twat"
Hapax Legoman "just noticed some invisible text when he mouse-highlighted his 'All Friends' page: "What doesn't kill a quail only makes it stronger". Facebook, you are an odd fellow."
Hapax Legoman "loved those two weeks without school traffic; wonders how Turkish Australians feel about ANZAC Day; believes that 'Electric Feel' is the weakest track on "Oracular Spectacular" and is concerned that he's started to think in Facebook statuses."
Hapax Legoman "has blocked his annual payment to The Autumn Fan Club."
Hapax Legoman "has - thus far today - exchanged salutations with last year's Booker Prize winner and chatted with the winner of three Drama Pulitzer Prizes. And it's only 9:45am."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering if wolves can whistle."
Hapax Legoman "can never hear 'When Doves Cry' without thinking Prince's father's name is 'Tubold'. It's not, it's John."
Hapax Legoman "just passed a group of kids in the street, arguing: "It's a simile!" "No it's not, it's alliteration." "A simile!" "Alliteration!" Best argument ever."
Hapax Legoman. ""I think if you haven't read the script and you go and you see it and you understand it, I think you might be a genius." (Megan Fox, Re: 'Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen'.)"
Hapax Legoman "is so vain, he probably thinks this status update is about him."
Hapax Legoman "wishes he could read his own handwriting. "Hyircs polf to th 8terdrr of th wknovh"? Hmm... somehow I don't think that's right..."
Hapax Legoman. "Apparently Noel Gallagher's spent over a million quid on drugs. On top of that, I wonder how many he got for free..."
Hapax Legoman. "Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat/low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like."
Hapax Legoman. "The Sydney music papers are giving away free life-sized Matt Bellamys this week. (You know, if you're into that sort of thing.)"
Hapax Legoman "likes going for sunlit walks down familar streets on Google Street View."
Hapax Legoman "has just returned from the Sydney airport, where the sign on the front door of the McDonalds states that "Your conversations will be audio and video recorded for quality assurance purposes." WTH?"
Hapax Legoman "is thinking that if they had any solid evidence against Bill Posters, surely they would have prosecuted him by now."
Hapax Legoman "is facepalming at The Sydney Morning Herald's mathematics. Pink played 58 shows in Australia. She sold 660,000 tickets. It doesn't follow, however, that Pink's tour was seen by "one in every 32 Australians". I could use the exact same statistics as the SMH in order to 'prove' that the same 11,000 people went to all her shows and thus it was seen by one in every 2000 Australians. (The truth lies somewhere in between.)"
Hapax Legoman "is worried that Facebook will judge this status update to be un-News-Feed-worthy."
Hapax Legoman. "Out Of Office AutoReply: Jordan will be away from Facebook from the 14th to the 21st. If it's your move on Wordscraper, please forward all enquiries to http://apps.facebook.com/wordscraper/ If you want to comment on how handsome Jordan looks in his photos, you should follow this link: http://www.opsm.com.au/ If you want to offer Jordan a stray farm animal to look after, please don't. He'd probably just eat it."
Hapax Legoman "is amused that The Dandy Warhols lived up to their promise and covered Blackbird once Michael Jackson died. Now I only wish that a more Dandyesque Beatles song had rhymed with 'absurd'."
Hapax Legoman "It's been nearly three days, but Jordan still can't help but chuckle every time he remembers that Bella Swan flies Virgin America."
Hapax Legoman "has a message for everyone who's ever told him he should back up everything important on an external hard drive. That message is: "well it's not much good if I then decide to move my laptop while it's still *plugged into* the external hard drive, sending the hard drive crashing onto the tiled floor." Sigh. At least all my important stuff is still on the laptop (since I never actually got around to 'backing it up'.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Summer's got to be over soon, right? Right?"
Hapax Legoman "is worried that he still doesn't know if 'The Noughties' is the actual name for this decade and yet we're already about to start another one."
2010
Hapax Legoman "- somewhere in his heart - is always dancing with you in the Summer rain."
Hapax Legoman "misses the thunder. He misses the rain. And the fact that you don't understand casts a shadow over this land. But the sun still shines from behind it."
Hapax Legoman "has just returned from a week of living in a girls' boarding school. Facebook was blocked."
Hapax Legoman "thinks he would update his Facebook status more often if he had that 'Facebook for iPhone' application. Oh, and an iPhone."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering whether child internet filters block web pages that 'disprove' the existence of The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy."
Hapax Legoman. "... Is it implicit that people who like middle-of-the-road music are bad drivers?"
Hapax Legoman "loves 'bat season' in Sydney. Right now, thousands of them are rising as a typhoon from the botanic gardens like something out of a sci-fi apocalypse. Only cuter."
Hapax Legoman. "Overheard in Rose Bay: "damn it - I brought my home phone instead of my mobile.""
Hapax Legoman "just got naked with five thousand other people."
Hapax Legoman. "Since I haven't slagged off Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen on here in several months, it's now time to point out that it won three Razzies - one for Worst Film, one for Worst Screenplay and the third for Worst Director. And it was the second highest-grossing film in 2009. I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere."
Hapax Legoman "There are no longer two Coreys!"
Hapax Legoman. "In an attempt to further comprehend the Beyonce lyrics from last Wednesday's XKCD strip, I just forced myself to sit through the three minutes of nothing that is the video clip for 'Single Ladies'. And then I realised the significance of that video. How the heck was that "one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!"?"
Hapax Legoman "would like to acknowledge Mungo Man, the diprotodon, muttaburrasaurus, amoeba and primordial soup, the traditional owners of this land."
Hapax Legoman "hasn't actually bought any pairs of high heels or leather shoes from any online shops, but apologies to anyone who was spammed by my Hotmail account's misguided attempt to sell footwear last night. My new password should *hopefully* be more spambot-secure. (It has... like... numbers in it and stuff.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Holy moley - Operator Please tickets are *$25*. I feel like it's 1997. (Well, except for the fact that I won't be seeing a bandful of seven year-olds.)"
Hapax Legoman "just realised that Easter Sunday is twenty-five hours long this year. Nicely done, Jesus."
Hapax Legoman. "How did someone who's not even the most beautiful person in her own family get to be on the cover of Who magazine's Most Beautiful People? Oh - right - apparently someone knocked her up. Is that all it took to come out of her sister's shadow? If Dannii had known that, she probably would have gotten pregnant decades ago. Like... on Young Talent Time."
Hapax Legoman "went to see a film today and there was only one other person in the entire cinema. And she was sitting next to me."
Hapax Legoman "Just helped a guy who's working on the animation for a new 3D Mad Max film. Now... maybe I'm a bit slow, but I've interpreted that as meaning that there's going to be a new Mad Max film. In 3D. And that it's going to be animated."
Hapax Legoman "is probably a bit slow, but he just realised that Danielle Spencer is related to someone *really* famous! Her dad is Don Spencer from Play School! "Feathers, fur or fins,/Shell or skin or scales,/If it runs on legs or flies on wings,/If it walks or crawls or slithers or swims/It's got its place in the scheme of things./Feathers, fur or fins.""
Hapax Legoman "wishes he wasn't working tonight so he could go to roller derby, where his wife is the half-time entertainment performer. (Plus, since 95% of everything I know about roller derby I learned from Whip It, that means there's a 95% chance that Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore will be there!)"
Hapax Legoman "Sometimes it's not the stapler that's the problem, it's the staples."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering how big Kevin Rudd's carbon footprint would be if Rudd postponed breathing until after the 2013 election."
Hapax Legoman "hopes everyone had a great Star Wars day. May The Fourth be with you."
Hapax Legoman. "Thanks muchly to to the commenters on my blog both here and on the blog itself. There's a new one if you're interested (see the link below. Comments are beloved. Well, kind ones, anyway.)"
Hapax Legoman "was excited that he got the chance to shake Noah Taylor's hand.
(There was no felafel in it at the time.)"
Hapax Legoman. "The NSW Department Of Education has ruled that while full-time teachers are "on duty", they are not allowed to teach ethics to students. For some reason, I find that hilarious."
Hapax Legoman "mentioned to his wife the other day that something was up with Gillard, since she finally had a good hairdo and colour after forty-nine years. For a woman who lives with a hairdresser, it was suss that she hadn't seen the value in having good hair until this month. Congratulations to Julia on securing the top job, too. (But mainly on the hair.)"
Hapax Legoman "is disappointed that the Liberal Party can no longer run their Kevin 0Lemon smear campaign. As a replacement, I suggest "0 Ranga Ten"."
Hapax Legoman "is thinking that if he wants the grass to be greener on *this* side of the fence, then he has to remember to water it."
Hapax Legoman "changed his mind and now has third-row seats to hear Silent Bob talk for three hours."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering if anyone who has moved on to greener or iPhonier pastures has an old unloved Nokia BP-5M phone battery that he or she no longer needs. If so, could I please be its new owner?"
Hapax Legoman "belatedly thanks everyone who wished his birthday was happy. (Thanks!)"
Hapax Legoman "talked to Joss Whedon and shook his hand today. (I'd say I'm never going to wash my hand again. But then I remembered I've already washed it.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Facebook's MasterCard sponsorship box keeps asking me "What's Good Charlotte's best song?" That's either an oxymoron or the kind of inverse omnipotence paradox that's so insoluble that it makes my head want to explode."
Hapax Legoman. "No, you're not asking a question, you're making a statement. "Who", "Are", "How", "Is", "Where", "May", "Who", "Can", "Why", "Am" and "What" are all fine words with which to start a sentence if one wants to ask a question. "There's nowhere more secure to leave the luggage" is not a question, and it's *particularly* not a question if you don't intone your voice upwards at the end of the sentence."
Hapax Legoman "just heard his dad on the radio. Apparently he's the "Federal Director of Barton Deakin". That was a weird way to find out..."
2011
Hapax Legoman "thought up a new Facebook status, then Googled it to make sure it was original. Apparently Mark Twain beat him by over a century. That guy came up with all the best stuff - if I could, I'd follow him on Twitter."
Hapax Legoman. "Not having Internet is not "like being in a Third World country". It does, however, necessitate actually living in the First World for a while."
Hapax Legoman. "Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away. And always remember to wash your hands afterwards."
Hapax Legoman. "An open letter to English-speaking people on this planet: if you ever find yourself tempted to say or write the phrase "going forward", please don't. Your sentence will be happier without it."
Hapax Legoman. "Piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape, the taste of champagne and the feel of the ocean."
Hapax Legoman. "It's not hard to turn living into an art form. The hard bit is making sure you don't turn it into one of the crap ones, like finger painting or country music."
Hapax Legoman. "If you're an atheist, can you argue that you *are* insured against floods because acts of God aren't real?"
Hapax Legoman "was just told by a French woman that I was the rudest man she has ever met. I queried this, since as far as I could tell I hadn't actually done anything except organise a plumber to fix her shower and then knock on her door. But apparently "it is my attitude that's rude". Also, her shower wasn't even broken - she just couldn't work out how to use a shower-over-bath."
Hapax Legoman. "So, to reiterate, a person *from France* said I am the rudest man she's ever met. I think that's truly an achievement."
Hapax Legoman. "Since I get all my news from the radio, I demand a whole series of homophonically confusing levies. Let's have a road toll, orange dues, thumb tax and an it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."
Hapax Legoman "is mad that 12:41 AM on Thursday the 27th of January happened 24 hours before he thought it did."
Hapax Legoman. "Bring on the year of the metal rabbit! \--/"
Hapax Legoman. "Microsoft Word's green squiggly line is suggesting I replace "you've" with "you has". Everything suddenly makes sense. Its grammar check was created by LOLcats."
Hapax Legoman. "'Impactful' is not a word. The word you are looking for is 'effective'. Using 'impactful' once in an article was bad enough, but twice made my fist want to impact your face."
Hapax Legoman. "Holding hands is either brilliant design on the part of the gods or an awesome evolutionary adaptation."
Hapax Legoman. ""I was under the impression that these doors are locked at night." That's nice. I'm under the impression that you're an idiot. So do you have a question?"
Hapax Legoman "has a spare ticket for Belle and Sebastian tonight at the Opera House, 8pm. Anyone?"
Hapax Legoman. "The highlight of Mark Ronson last night - the one-two-three punch of Radiohead's 'Just' and the theme from The OC sung by Alex Greenwald, followed by 'Oh My God' sung by Rosay from the Pipettes. ♥"
Hapax Legoman. "What the hell is this song even about? None of the lines are semantically intelligible. And... she's "feeling fly like a G6"? What does that mean? Fly like the European Union? Like the G7 before Canada joined? Like a square on a chessboard? I think I can actually feel my brain cells eroding as this song plays out."
Hapax Legoman "just found out what the lyrics to 'Alouette' mean. "Skylark, nice skylark./Skylark, I shall pluck you./I shall pluck your head/And your beak/And your neck/And your back/And your wings/And your feet/And your tail/And your head,/Skylark./I shall pluck you." That is seriously #@(%ed up. Why did no one tell me as a child that I was singing a song about mutilating a bird?"
Hapax Legoman. "They should turn Bridget Riley paintings into long-sleeved shirts."
Hapax Legoman "has hope."
Hapax Legoman. "Smart one, Gillard. Oblige the US President to listen to nineteen Powderfinger and Bernard Fanning songs. They nuked Hiroshima for less than that."
Hapax Legoman. "This page intentionally left blank."
Hapax Legoman. "Facebook's new messaging system is one of the worst interfaces I've ever had the misfortune of using. Want to write a message that's taller than twenty-one lines? Sorry, we won't let you see what you're writing. Do you habitually press enter to start a new paragraph? Ha, you just started a new message! Blergh."
Hapax Legoman. "Tomorrow is my favourite day. Twenty-five hours to waste instead of the usual twenty-four!"
Hapax Legoman "is the least productive person Sarina Del Fuego knows."
Hapax Legoman "thinks he needs a prescription for Ritalin."
Hapax Legoman. "We're getting the hotel fumigated, and the pest control guy came in with a BED BUG SNIFFING DOG!"
Hapax Legoman. "Last night one of the people in my vivid dream said she'd been having vivid dreams. Is that a sign of a potential inception?"
Hapax Legoman "thinks it requires a special level of retardation if - even after seeing the stairs (and the lift) - one still needs to ask "how do I get upstairs?""
Hapax Legoman. "I'm sitting in my office, and a girl just walked down the hallway, yelling the following into her phone: "I had sex with Jay last night - he has the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life. Sorry!""
Hapax Legoman "always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but simply couldn't afford it."
Hapax Legoman "is continually refreshing Google until he sees all sixteen Roger Hargreaves logos."
Hapax Legoman. ""Jordan, do you mind if I ask how old you are?" "I'm thirty..." "Wow, you look much younger." (I didn't correct her on the fact that she didn't actually let me finish my original sentence.)"
Hapax Legoman. "If I were only half living life to the fullest, would that mean I was also living life to the half-emptiest?"
Hapax Legoman. "Serbia - un million points; Romania - douze points; Iceland - dix points; Germany - neuf points; Georgia, Spain and Moldova - nul points."
Hapax Legoman. "ST PETER: Hello and welcome to the gates of Heaven. I just have to go through this checklist and... hmm. Oh.... I thought that was only supposed to turn you blind, but it says here that you died by planking. Here we call that the sin of onan, and...
GHOST: No, PLanking. Dude, you lie like a plank and someone takes a photo of you. It's rad - I fell from my seventh-storey balcony.
ST PETER: Ah. Well in that case there's technically nothing here that prevents you from getting into Heaven. Just head through those pearly gates. And congratulations on your inevitable Darwin Award.
GHOST: Thanks, man! [Goes inside.]
ST PETER [muttering]: What a planker.
JESUS: Hi! Welcome to the meeting.
GHOST: Oh my God... you're Jesus!
JESUS: Yes... and yes.
GHOST: And you came here just to help me with my addiction?
JESUS: You misunderstand. Hi, I'm Jesus, and I'm a plankaholic.
GHOST: You're addicted to plankahol?
JESUS: Um... no. To planking. I used to be totally mad for it. Back then we really planked - it wasn't like today with your fancy balconies and signs and train tracks and whatnot. All we had to plank on were planks of wood.
GHOST: Jesus dude! I can't wait to post this on Facebook. So what happened?
JESUS: Long story. Being a carpenter, planks were just... always around. It took me years to realise I had a problem. Until this one bad planking accident involving two planks and three nails. 2000 years later and I still haven't lived that one down."
Hapax Legoman "is amused that Facebook just recommended that he should be friends with Simon Day from RatCat because we have seven mutual friends. Yeah-eh-eh-eh! And that ain't bad."
Hapax Legoman. "Poppy seed bread is the opiate of the masses."
Hapax Legoman "has decided that "entende o" must be Portuguese for "um"."
Hapax Legoman. "Since when has May had thirty-one days? Did it steal yet another one from February?"
Hapax Legoman "is annoyed at the arrogance of people who claim something must be true because a majority of scientists say so. A majority of scientists said that the atom was the smallest particle, the sun revolved around the Earth, and humans and chimps don't share a common ancestor. I don't care if human-produced climate change is real or not, but I do care about the implication that society has to blindly believe what it's told."
Hapax Legoman. "To the expert in his field who used the phrase "antidotal evidence" at least twice on the radio today: someone really needs to correct you on that."
Hapax Legoman. "Received hug and kiss on the cheek from former Neighbours starlet and spent an hour with police and criminal 'mastermind' fraudster who'd claimed to be "Gareth Evans". (N.B. it wasn't really Gareth Evans.) On balance, not a terrible day."
Hapax Legoman. "If I may kill all the bluejays I want, but it's a sin to kill a mockingbird, then where exactly on the killing/sin spectrum does treeful-of-screeching-mynah-birds fall?"
Hapax Legoman. "Did anyone else hear the interview with Rose Byrne this morning where she called Angela Bishop 'Bronwyn'? So good."
Hapax Legoman "just watched a car-window-washer-man pick up a littered apple, smash it on the road and collect the seeds. Is that normal? I can't imagine it's that easy to grow an apple tree. Maybe he's accumulating cyanide to poison someone."
Hapax Legoman "has started watching daytime television for the first time in many years and there appear to be only three types of advertisement. 1. Get life insurance because you're going to die. 2. Get funeral insurance because you're going to die. 3. Get health insurance so you can die in comfort."
Hapax Legoman. "Why are there yellow, orange, red, purple and white things in my green salad?"
Hapax Legoman "is ambisinistrous."
Hapax Legoman. "According to Newspoll research released today, of Australia's capital cities, the residents of Canberra are the happiest. Or least unhappy."
Hapax Legoman "would like to explain the difference between sexism and puns to the Telegraph. "Juliar" is not sexism, it is a pun. It is the same as "Kevin O'Lemon" and "The Mad Monk". Stating that it is sexist implies that only female politicians are liars. This is clearly not true."
Hapax Legoman. ""What's it called? When they put money in for when you're dead?" "Super?" "Yeah.""
Hapax Legoman. "Microsoft... stop trying to make Bing happen! It's not going to happen!"
Hapax Legoman "just watched Captain America. I can suspend disbelief when it comes to Nazis speaking English, but was kind of taken out of the moment when they'd used English to write signs on their bombs and 'autopilot' buttons."
Hapax Legoman "just heard that Kevin Rudd has a heart. Must have missed the press statement when the Blue Fairy made him a real boy."
Hapax Legoman. "Thanks to all for the birthday wishes and a glorious day."
Hapax Legoman. "The expert on office design (on the radio) described my pile-everything-on-the-desk style as a 'caldera desk' but I think it's more like stratification."
Hapax Legoman. "R.E.M. split up today, a shocking announcement for the 6.9 billion people on the planet who thought R.E.M. broke up ten years ago."
Hapax Legoman. "At 1:30pm, my first words to another human being on this school holiday Wednesday were, "It's hard to get up and out of bed when I don't have to." In other news, yesterday I noticed a child whose parents had left him unattended in a car. Well, not entirely unattended - the parents had left the child in the car with a goat."
Hapax Legoman. "My phone is telling me that I missed a call yesterday, but it's like a child with a half-assed phone message for its parent, so it can't actually remember exactly when, or who it was from. If you were that caller, please let me know - I'm not ignoring you, (my phone is.) Even if you weren't that caller and want to pretend to be, that's good too."
Hapax Legoman. "Hold on... Monica is Ross's sister and Chandler was Ross's college roommate. And then Monica and Chandler just coincidentally happened to live in apartments that were opposite each other? How does that make sense? (It's stuff like this that keeps me awake at night.)"
Hapax Legoman. "I have a new, ingenious savings plan! What I'm going to do is, every time I want to spend $50, I don't do it! Then, after going through this process just 200 times, I will have $10,000! If I repeat this simple cycle just 100 times then I shall have *one* *million* *dollars*! I am already getting rich as you read this!"
Hapax Legoman "just drove home behind a kangaroo through four suburban streets."
Hapax Legoman. "If people really died in wars so we could be here today, I'd say it's not such a big deal for us to pay a bit of tax so people at some time in the future can live to say the same thing."
Hapax Legoman. ""We're sticklers for historical accuracy on this programme. We always check whether something existed in the time when dragons spoke, and if it didn't... well then we don’t use it." (Julian Murphy, producer of 'Merlin')."
Hapax Legoman. "What is the point of decaffeinated coffee? Is it meant to be like methadone or cigarette patches?"
Hapax Legoman. "EARNEST STUDENT FROM TOP YEAR TEN ENGLISH CLASS: "You know how you can hear the sun?"
ME: "Um... No."
ESFTYTEC: "Yeah - you know - the noise sunlight makes. You can hear it on a sunny day."
ME: "There's a soundless vacuum between us and the sun. There is no… sun noise."
ESFTYTEC: "Sure there is! Moonlight makes a noise too..."
ME: "Right... Is it the same sound the sun makes only reflected?"
ESFTYTEC: "No, it's different." ESFTYTEC sticks her head out the window. "The sun definitely makes a noise. Can't you hear it."
ME - actually checking to see if I can hear the sun. "That's a helicopter."
ESFTYTEC: "Not the helicopter, the sun."
ME: "You can... hear the sun over the helicopter? What?! You have synaesthesia."
ESFTYTEC (is played the SOHO spacecraft's recording of the sun): "No, that's not it... I seriously thought everyone could hear it... You know... when you step outside and there's just that moon sound?""
Hapax Legoman. "So... Obama just came here with his 500-person entourage, fifty automobiles, helicopters, planes (etc.) while, back home, Americans are protesting economic waste? Couldn’t he just have used Skype?"
Hapax Legoman "likes his own status."
Hapax Legoman. "Hold on... so in Cabbage Patch Kids canon, why the heck did Xavier Roberts go around signing the bottoms of children? (Yes, once again it's past midnight, the randomly-strewn paperwork inside my brain is blowing in the wind and this is what I found.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Happy dies natalis Solis Invicti!"
2012
Hapax Legoman. "It's 2012. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know."
Hapax Legoman. "Beyoncé was pregnant?"
Hapax Legoman "met Brian Eno, Susan from Coupling (Sarah Alexander) and Chris Martin last night. Chris Martin liked my hat. Or... liked that I was wearing a hat."
Hapax Legoman. "It is unsurprising that it was an Italian and not the English who proved that the Earth revolved around the sun. It would be hard for an Englishman to prove that the Earth revolved around something that he had never actually seen."
Hapax Legoman. ""When I became a man I put away childish things because... wow, then I could afford much *better* childish things!" (Terry Pratchett)"
Hapax Legoman. "Seriously, how do plants photosynthesise in this country?"
Hapax Legoman. "If I'd known at the time that the guy on the phone was from Dexys Midnight Runners I would have told him at that moment he meant everything to me."
Hapax Legoman "is in trouble for sitting on a cushion, having been under the mistaken impression that it was what cushions were for. My life is this:" http://youtu.be/Lp0-8Ibkczc
Hapax Legoman "just received fan mail from Morocco. I'm big in Morocco."
Hapax Legoman. ""The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." T. H. White."
Hapax Legoman "I don't know why Richard Dawkins doesn't just say, "If God existed, why would he let me (of all people) sleep with Lalla Ward every night." QED."
Hapax Legoman. "Just ten years before I was born, the world population was half what it is now. That is insane."
Hapax Legoman. "Dear England, if you would like to convince me that you are in a drought, perhaps you could try NOT BEING CONSTANTLY RAINED ON! Yours sincerely, Jordan."
Hapax Legoman. "Why is there a University of Essex?"
Hapax Legoman "is annoyed that people are always told not to post things on Facebook because they will be on the internet eternally, and yet the things I actually want to find (my old 10-Second Interviews, LiveBlog posts and Notes) all appear to be gone forever."
Hapax Legoman "Apparently Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up' still nets Stock Aitken Waterman £1,000,000 a year. I wonder if it's possible that a good percentage of that is royalties from people being Rickrolled. Full article here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ (J/k. But the £1,000,000 statistic is true.)"
Hapax Legoman "just finished working behind the bar at the cricket club and on my way home walked past the block where Anne Brontë used to work as the governess. Life is unexpected."
Hapax Legoman. "I hate most of the contexts in which people use the word 'tolerant' - it always seems to imply that the thing being 'tolerated' is negative and something that must be grudgingly endured."
Hapax Legoman "just realised that there's a stone called sardonyx. I must use that as a character's name at some point."
Hapax Legoman. "It's hard to look right/At you, baby,/Like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it./So call me, maybe."
Hapax Legoman "is not a free man, he is a number."
**********
(If you still want to be Facebook friends with me after reading all that, you can find me here.)
**********
2007
Hapax Legoman "is, therefore he thinks."
Hapax Legoman "is writing in the third person. And looking for a housemate. If you hear of anyone who might be interested, please let Jordan know."
Hapax Legoman "is now in the top hundred people in the world on the Facebook iLike Music Challenge. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Hapax Legoman "is now past the halfway-point of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And it just got so much better. :-)"
Hapax Legoman. "Now over two-thirds of the way through Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And is now putting it down to take advantage of this beautiful day."
Hapax Legoman. "... Meh. The day's not that great. Less than a quarter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to go."
Hapax Legoman. "... Bloody heck. Fifty odd pages of The Deathly Hallows to go and I've got to head off for dinner. Probably ought to plan lessons for Year 7 and 10 too..."
Hapax Legoman "is finished with The Deathly Hallows. Unlike many of the characters therein, unfortunately Professor Morris has to return to school tomorrow."
Hapax Legoman "is taller in real life."
Hapax Legoman "is not going to change his Facebook status to the inappropriate phrase suggested by Phoebe. :P"
Hapax Legoman "is wishing more people would play Scrabulous with him."
Hapax Legoman "is now up to more than 100 answered questions on 10 Second Interview. Which took a lot longer than 10 seconds."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering why Julius Caesar is giving him the finger. Actually, it's probably because Julius is sick of idiots coming up and posing for photographs with him."
Hapax Legoman "is running out of interesting profile pictures."
Hapax Legoman "is on school holidays."
Hapax Legoman "is incapable of being summarised in two hundred and fifty-five characters."
Hapax Legoman "is very happy to hear that Billy Bragg and Björk will be in Australia next year. As always, Jordan wishes it was still the nineties, but this is at least a start."
Hapax Legoman "is feeling solipsistic. You are probably a figment of his imagination."
Hapax Legoman "is truly happy."
Hapax Legoman "is exhausted (but still happy.)"
Hapax Legoman "is supposed to be at school at 5:30 in the morning. He had forgotten that there even *was* a 5:30 in the morning."
Hapax Legoman "is ... wow... there really *is* a 5:30 in the morning!"
Hapax Legoman "is apologetic because Facebook apparently just sent everyone a notification that he'd updated his blog. He didn't mean to do that."
Hapax Legoman "is he as you are he as you are me and we are all together."
Hapax Legoman "is The Carpenter."
Hapax Legoman "is marking."
Hapax Legoman "is wanted, dead or alive. Actually, alive would be preferable if you can manage it. Thanks!"
Hapax Legoman "is in need of new day-to-day shoes after destroying his in the 6-inch deep muddy water and constant rain of an Elton John mosh pit. (Yes, you read that right.)"
Hapax Legoman "is in-between internet providers."
Hapax Legoman "is ten years late in his thinking, but it's sadly ironic that Katie Bender was killed by an exploding hospital and that her memorial's a bit of rock by the lake."
Hapax Legoman "is bored with the internet. There doesn't seem to be anything good on it."
Hapax Legoman "hopes everyone has had a great Saturnalia and is wishing you all a happy Dies Natalis Solis Invicti."
2008
Hapax Legoman "is wishing you all a happy International Year of the Potato."
Hapax Legoman. "Jordan Bo Bordan Bonana Fanna Fo Fordan Mee My Mo Mordan. Jordan!"
Hapax Legoman "isn't in the ACT or New South Wales. (He's nowhere particularly exotic, it's just not often that he gets to say that, that's all)."
Hapax Legoman "is back in the AC(C)T. You don't know how lucky you be."
Hapax Legoman "is thinking, "if someone who'd married and had a daughter to one of the Dawson's Creek girls had to die then why couldn't it have been Tom Cruise?""
Hapax Legoman. "... "You're an enigma, Jordy. I don't know where you came from. And I don't know where you're going. But I love you." (Gran, 2008.)"
Hapax Legoman "is a hound dog in the sun."
Hapax Legoman "is reading the Facebook 'privacy' policy: "Facebook may also collect information about you from other sources, such as newspapers". Um... okaaay."
Hapax Legoman "is the rerun that you'll always force yourself to sit through."
Hapax Legoman "is autumn cleaning."
Hapax Legoman "is as constant as the northern star."
Hapax Legoman. "Constant in the darkness, where's that at? if you want me I'll be in the bar..."
Hapax Legoman "is genetically modifying & experimenting on humans, polluting the environment, causing social injustice & poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy & taking drugs."
Hapax Legoman "is drinking absinthe. It makes the heart grow fonder."
Hapax Legoman "is worshipping Anglo-Saxon equinoctial goddesses."
Hapax Legoman "is attempting to come up with a witty status update."
Hapax Legoman "is shaken, not stirred."
Hapax Legoman "is attempting to come up with a witty status update.
Hapax Legoman "is like a book, elegantly bound but in a language that you can't read just yet."
Hapax Legoman "is like a puppy dog on its knees. Is that even possible? Are there knees on dogs' legs?"
Hapax Legoman "is thinking, "hmmm... if this is autumn, I wonder what they've got planned for winter. I hope they haven't played all their cards too soon"."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering if the constant inquisition about what I'm "doing right now" is some sort of CIA conspiracy to keep tabs on us all."
Hapax Legoman "has come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And he's all out of bubblegum."
Hapax Legoman "is passed out in your engine. Also, your mechanic is a pony."
Hapax Legoman "is not the Messiah."
Hapax Legoman "played dice with God. And He won."
Hapax Legoman "can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend."
Hapax Legoman "won't lace your Coke with anthrax or anything."
Hapax Legoman "is the son and heir of nothing in particular."
Hapax Legoman. "...Armageddon is bedding this picture all right. My Marilyn, come to my slum for an hour!"
Hapax Legoman "is one week away from retirement. And half-expecting Mel Gibson to show up."
Hapax Legoman "is a silkworm moth."
Hapax Legoman "is annoying."
Hapax Legoman "doesn't know what he is doing right now."
Hapax Legoman "will not try it in his house. He will not click it with his mouse. He'd rather die by grappling hook. He does not like this "new Facebook"."
Hapax Legoman. "...ice cracks on a seamless line."
Hapax Legoman "hates the new Facebook. Such an ingenious way to stop people from using their product."
Hapax Legoman "is doing his tax. And his brain hurts."
Hapax Legoman "is watching fuel prices at the petrol station across the road and wondering what decade it is. "
Hapax Legoman "has *not* answered any questions about anyone's personal life. He has not even added that application. He clicked a link and it spammed everyone he knows."
2009
Hapax Legoman "was just surprised to find his article on parenting at the newsagent (Wondertime, page 122). Jordan does not actually have any children."
Hapax Legoman "is AlanLamontJoanPhyllisMorjoPurpleRabbitLamontSydneyTheGreenOrangeJuiceJomoLemonGingerNutCheetahBarcooMorizzleOrlaanrisBlackAudreyEauD’IsseyGreenFrog."
Hapax Legoman "is astonished that the new ending actually makes sense. Thirty-five minutes ago."
Hapax Legoman "doesn't know what Twitter is, yet his intuition is telling him that it must be whatever the hell Facebook is trying to imitate right now."
Hapax Legoman "just read that the world's foremost expert on the neurobiology of transsexuals is named Dick Swaab. For some reason, I find that amusing."
Hapax Legoman "is staring blankly at the keyboard, hands poised over the keys. He realises he has run out of things to do on the Internet and is not sure what to do next."
Hapax Legoman "read the SMH article about Twitter and is ironically posting about it here. Evan Williams seems down-to-Earth, but Biz Stone is a pompous, self-important twat"
Hapax Legoman "just noticed some invisible text when he mouse-highlighted his 'All Friends' page: "What doesn't kill a quail only makes it stronger". Facebook, you are an odd fellow."
Hapax Legoman "loved those two weeks without school traffic; wonders how Turkish Australians feel about ANZAC Day; believes that 'Electric Feel' is the weakest track on "Oracular Spectacular" and is concerned that he's started to think in Facebook statuses."
Hapax Legoman "has blocked his annual payment to The Autumn Fan Club."
Hapax Legoman "has - thus far today - exchanged salutations with last year's Booker Prize winner and chatted with the winner of three Drama Pulitzer Prizes. And it's only 9:45am."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering if wolves can whistle."
Hapax Legoman "can never hear 'When Doves Cry' without thinking Prince's father's name is 'Tubold'. It's not, it's John."
Hapax Legoman "just passed a group of kids in the street, arguing: "It's a simile!" "No it's not, it's alliteration." "A simile!" "Alliteration!" Best argument ever."
Hapax Legoman. ""I think if you haven't read the script and you go and you see it and you understand it, I think you might be a genius." (Megan Fox, Re: 'Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen'.)"
Hapax Legoman "is so vain, he probably thinks this status update is about him."
Hapax Legoman "wishes he could read his own handwriting. "Hyircs polf to th 8terdrr of th wknovh"? Hmm... somehow I don't think that's right..."
Hapax Legoman. "Apparently Noel Gallagher's spent over a million quid on drugs. On top of that, I wonder how many he got for free..."
Hapax Legoman. "Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat/low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like."
Hapax Legoman. "The Sydney music papers are giving away free life-sized Matt Bellamys this week. (You know, if you're into that sort of thing.)"
Hapax Legoman "likes going for sunlit walks down familar streets on Google Street View."
Hapax Legoman "has just returned from the Sydney airport, where the sign on the front door of the McDonalds states that "Your conversations will be audio and video recorded for quality assurance purposes." WTH?"
Hapax Legoman "is thinking that if they had any solid evidence against Bill Posters, surely they would have prosecuted him by now."
Hapax Legoman "is facepalming at The Sydney Morning Herald's mathematics. Pink played 58 shows in Australia. She sold 660,000 tickets. It doesn't follow, however, that Pink's tour was seen by "one in every 32 Australians". I could use the exact same statistics as the SMH in order to 'prove' that the same 11,000 people went to all her shows and thus it was seen by one in every 2000 Australians. (The truth lies somewhere in between.)"
Hapax Legoman "is worried that Facebook will judge this status update to be un-News-Feed-worthy."
Hapax Legoman. "Out Of Office AutoReply: Jordan will be away from Facebook from the 14th to the 21st. If it's your move on Wordscraper, please forward all enquiries to http://apps.facebook.com/wordscraper/ If you want to comment on how handsome Jordan looks in his photos, you should follow this link: http://www.opsm.com.au/ If you want to offer Jordan a stray farm animal to look after, please don't. He'd probably just eat it."
Hapax Legoman "is amused that The Dandy Warhols lived up to their promise and covered Blackbird once Michael Jackson died. Now I only wish that a more Dandyesque Beatles song had rhymed with 'absurd'."
Hapax Legoman "It's been nearly three days, but Jordan still can't help but chuckle every time he remembers that Bella Swan flies Virgin America."
Hapax Legoman "has a message for everyone who's ever told him he should back up everything important on an external hard drive. That message is: "well it's not much good if I then decide to move my laptop while it's still *plugged into* the external hard drive, sending the hard drive crashing onto the tiled floor." Sigh. At least all my important stuff is still on the laptop (since I never actually got around to 'backing it up'.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Summer's got to be over soon, right? Right?"
Hapax Legoman "is worried that he still doesn't know if 'The Noughties' is the actual name for this decade and yet we're already about to start another one."
2010
Hapax Legoman "- somewhere in his heart - is always dancing with you in the Summer rain."
Hapax Legoman "misses the thunder. He misses the rain. And the fact that you don't understand casts a shadow over this land. But the sun still shines from behind it."
Hapax Legoman "has just returned from a week of living in a girls' boarding school. Facebook was blocked."
Hapax Legoman "thinks he would update his Facebook status more often if he had that 'Facebook for iPhone' application. Oh, and an iPhone."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering whether child internet filters block web pages that 'disprove' the existence of The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy."
Hapax Legoman. "... Is it implicit that people who like middle-of-the-road music are bad drivers?"
Hapax Legoman "loves 'bat season' in Sydney. Right now, thousands of them are rising as a typhoon from the botanic gardens like something out of a sci-fi apocalypse. Only cuter."
Hapax Legoman. "Overheard in Rose Bay: "damn it - I brought my home phone instead of my mobile.""
Hapax Legoman "just got naked with five thousand other people."
Hapax Legoman. "Since I haven't slagged off Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen on here in several months, it's now time to point out that it won three Razzies - one for Worst Film, one for Worst Screenplay and the third for Worst Director. And it was the second highest-grossing film in 2009. I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere."
Hapax Legoman "There are no longer two Coreys!"
Hapax Legoman. "In an attempt to further comprehend the Beyonce lyrics from last Wednesday's XKCD strip, I just forced myself to sit through the three minutes of nothing that is the video clip for 'Single Ladies'. And then I realised the significance of that video. How the heck was that "one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!"?"
Hapax Legoman "would like to acknowledge Mungo Man, the diprotodon, muttaburrasaurus, amoeba and primordial soup, the traditional owners of this land."
Hapax Legoman "hasn't actually bought any pairs of high heels or leather shoes from any online shops, but apologies to anyone who was spammed by my Hotmail account's misguided attempt to sell footwear last night. My new password should *hopefully* be more spambot-secure. (It has... like... numbers in it and stuff.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Holy moley - Operator Please tickets are *$25*. I feel like it's 1997. (Well, except for the fact that I won't be seeing a bandful of seven year-olds.)"
Hapax Legoman "just realised that Easter Sunday is twenty-five hours long this year. Nicely done, Jesus."
Hapax Legoman. "How did someone who's not even the most beautiful person in her own family get to be on the cover of Who magazine's Most Beautiful People? Oh - right - apparently someone knocked her up. Is that all it took to come out of her sister's shadow? If Dannii had known that, she probably would have gotten pregnant decades ago. Like... on Young Talent Time."
Hapax Legoman "went to see a film today and there was only one other person in the entire cinema. And she was sitting next to me."
Hapax Legoman "Just helped a guy who's working on the animation for a new 3D Mad Max film. Now... maybe I'm a bit slow, but I've interpreted that as meaning that there's going to be a new Mad Max film. In 3D. And that it's going to be animated."
Hapax Legoman "is probably a bit slow, but he just realised that Danielle Spencer is related to someone *really* famous! Her dad is Don Spencer from Play School! "Feathers, fur or fins,/Shell or skin or scales,/If it runs on legs or flies on wings,/If it walks or crawls or slithers or swims/It's got its place in the scheme of things./Feathers, fur or fins.""
Hapax Legoman "wishes he wasn't working tonight so he could go to roller derby, where his wife is the half-time entertainment performer. (Plus, since 95% of everything I know about roller derby I learned from Whip It, that means there's a 95% chance that Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore will be there!)"
Hapax Legoman "Sometimes it's not the stapler that's the problem, it's the staples."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering how big Kevin Rudd's carbon footprint would be if Rudd postponed breathing until after the 2013 election."
Hapax Legoman "hopes everyone had a great Star Wars day. May The Fourth be with you."
Hapax Legoman. "Thanks muchly to to the commenters on my blog both here and on the blog itself. There's a new one if you're interested (see the link below. Comments are beloved. Well, kind ones, anyway.)"
Hapax Legoman "was excited that he got the chance to shake Noah Taylor's hand.
(There was no felafel in it at the time.)"
Hapax Legoman. "The NSW Department Of Education has ruled that while full-time teachers are "on duty", they are not allowed to teach ethics to students. For some reason, I find that hilarious."
Hapax Legoman "mentioned to his wife the other day that something was up with Gillard, since she finally had a good hairdo and colour after forty-nine years. For a woman who lives with a hairdresser, it was suss that she hadn't seen the value in having good hair until this month. Congratulations to Julia on securing the top job, too. (But mainly on the hair.)"
Hapax Legoman "is disappointed that the Liberal Party can no longer run their Kevin 0Lemon smear campaign. As a replacement, I suggest "0 Ranga Ten"."
Hapax Legoman "is thinking that if he wants the grass to be greener on *this* side of the fence, then he has to remember to water it."
Hapax Legoman "changed his mind and now has third-row seats to hear Silent Bob talk for three hours."
Hapax Legoman "is wondering if anyone who has moved on to greener or iPhonier pastures has an old unloved Nokia BP-5M phone battery that he or she no longer needs. If so, could I please be its new owner?"
Hapax Legoman "belatedly thanks everyone who wished his birthday was happy. (Thanks!)"
Hapax Legoman "talked to Joss Whedon and shook his hand today. (I'd say I'm never going to wash my hand again. But then I remembered I've already washed it.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Facebook's MasterCard sponsorship box keeps asking me "What's Good Charlotte's best song?" That's either an oxymoron or the kind of inverse omnipotence paradox that's so insoluble that it makes my head want to explode."
Hapax Legoman. "No, you're not asking a question, you're making a statement. "Who", "Are", "How", "Is", "Where", "May", "Who", "Can", "Why", "Am" and "What" are all fine words with which to start a sentence if one wants to ask a question. "There's nowhere more secure to leave the luggage" is not a question, and it's *particularly* not a question if you don't intone your voice upwards at the end of the sentence."
Hapax Legoman "just heard his dad on the radio. Apparently he's the "Federal Director of Barton Deakin". That was a weird way to find out..."
2011
Hapax Legoman "thought up a new Facebook status, then Googled it to make sure it was original. Apparently Mark Twain beat him by over a century. That guy came up with all the best stuff - if I could, I'd follow him on Twitter."
Hapax Legoman. "Not having Internet is not "like being in a Third World country". It does, however, necessitate actually living in the First World for a while."
Hapax Legoman. "Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away. And always remember to wash your hands afterwards."
Hapax Legoman. "An open letter to English-speaking people on this planet: if you ever find yourself tempted to say or write the phrase "going forward", please don't. Your sentence will be happier without it."
Hapax Legoman. "Piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape, the taste of champagne and the feel of the ocean."
Hapax Legoman. "It's not hard to turn living into an art form. The hard bit is making sure you don't turn it into one of the crap ones, like finger painting or country music."
Hapax Legoman. "If you're an atheist, can you argue that you *are* insured against floods because acts of God aren't real?"
Hapax Legoman "was just told by a French woman that I was the rudest man she has ever met. I queried this, since as far as I could tell I hadn't actually done anything except organise a plumber to fix her shower and then knock on her door. But apparently "it is my attitude that's rude". Also, her shower wasn't even broken - she just couldn't work out how to use a shower-over-bath."
Hapax Legoman. "So, to reiterate, a person *from France* said I am the rudest man she's ever met. I think that's truly an achievement."
Hapax Legoman. "Since I get all my news from the radio, I demand a whole series of homophonically confusing levies. Let's have a road toll, orange dues, thumb tax and an it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."
Hapax Legoman "is mad that 12:41 AM on Thursday the 27th of January happened 24 hours before he thought it did."
Hapax Legoman. "Bring on the year of the metal rabbit! \--/"
Hapax Legoman. "Microsoft Word's green squiggly line is suggesting I replace "you've" with "you has". Everything suddenly makes sense. Its grammar check was created by LOLcats."
Hapax Legoman. "'Impactful' is not a word. The word you are looking for is 'effective'. Using 'impactful' once in an article was bad enough, but twice made my fist want to impact your face."
Hapax Legoman. "Holding hands is either brilliant design on the part of the gods or an awesome evolutionary adaptation."
Hapax Legoman. ""I was under the impression that these doors are locked at night." That's nice. I'm under the impression that you're an idiot. So do you have a question?"
Hapax Legoman "has a spare ticket for Belle and Sebastian tonight at the Opera House, 8pm. Anyone?"
Hapax Legoman. "The highlight of Mark Ronson last night - the one-two-three punch of Radiohead's 'Just' and the theme from The OC sung by Alex Greenwald, followed by 'Oh My God' sung by Rosay from the Pipettes. ♥"
Hapax Legoman. "What the hell is this song even about? None of the lines are semantically intelligible. And... she's "feeling fly like a G6"? What does that mean? Fly like the European Union? Like the G7 before Canada joined? Like a square on a chessboard? I think I can actually feel my brain cells eroding as this song plays out."
Hapax Legoman "just found out what the lyrics to 'Alouette' mean. "Skylark, nice skylark./Skylark, I shall pluck you./I shall pluck your head/And your beak/And your neck/And your back/And your wings/And your feet/And your tail/And your head,/Skylark./I shall pluck you." That is seriously #@(%ed up. Why did no one tell me as a child that I was singing a song about mutilating a bird?"
Hapax Legoman. "They should turn Bridget Riley paintings into long-sleeved shirts."
Hapax Legoman "has hope."
Hapax Legoman. "Smart one, Gillard. Oblige the US President to listen to nineteen Powderfinger and Bernard Fanning songs. They nuked Hiroshima for less than that."
Hapax Legoman. "This page intentionally left blank."
Hapax Legoman. "Facebook's new messaging system is one of the worst interfaces I've ever had the misfortune of using. Want to write a message that's taller than twenty-one lines? Sorry, we won't let you see what you're writing. Do you habitually press enter to start a new paragraph? Ha, you just started a new message! Blergh."
Hapax Legoman. "Tomorrow is my favourite day. Twenty-five hours to waste instead of the usual twenty-four!"
Hapax Legoman "is the least productive person Sarina Del Fuego knows."
Hapax Legoman "thinks he needs a prescription for Ritalin."
Hapax Legoman. "We're getting the hotel fumigated, and the pest control guy came in with a BED BUG SNIFFING DOG!"
Hapax Legoman. "Last night one of the people in my vivid dream said she'd been having vivid dreams. Is that a sign of a potential inception?"
Hapax Legoman "thinks it requires a special level of retardation if - even after seeing the stairs (and the lift) - one still needs to ask "how do I get upstairs?""
Hapax Legoman. "I'm sitting in my office, and a girl just walked down the hallway, yelling the following into her phone: "I had sex with Jay last night - he has the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life. Sorry!""
Hapax Legoman "always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but simply couldn't afford it."
Hapax Legoman "is continually refreshing Google until he sees all sixteen Roger Hargreaves logos."
Hapax Legoman. ""Jordan, do you mind if I ask how old you are?" "I'm thirty..." "Wow, you look much younger." (I didn't correct her on the fact that she didn't actually let me finish my original sentence.)"
Hapax Legoman. "If I were only half living life to the fullest, would that mean I was also living life to the half-emptiest?"
Hapax Legoman. "Serbia - un million points; Romania - douze points; Iceland - dix points; Germany - neuf points; Georgia, Spain and Moldova - nul points."
Hapax Legoman. "ST PETER: Hello and welcome to the gates of Heaven. I just have to go through this checklist and... hmm. Oh.... I thought that was only supposed to turn you blind, but it says here that you died by planking. Here we call that the sin of onan, and...
GHOST: No, PLanking. Dude, you lie like a plank and someone takes a photo of you. It's rad - I fell from my seventh-storey balcony.
ST PETER: Ah. Well in that case there's technically nothing here that prevents you from getting into Heaven. Just head through those pearly gates. And congratulations on your inevitable Darwin Award.
GHOST: Thanks, man! [Goes inside.]
ST PETER [muttering]: What a planker.
JESUS: Hi! Welcome to the meeting.
GHOST: Oh my God... you're Jesus!
JESUS: Yes... and yes.
GHOST: And you came here just to help me with my addiction?
JESUS: You misunderstand. Hi, I'm Jesus, and I'm a plankaholic.
GHOST: You're addicted to plankahol?
JESUS: Um... no. To planking. I used to be totally mad for it. Back then we really planked - it wasn't like today with your fancy balconies and signs and train tracks and whatnot. All we had to plank on were planks of wood.
GHOST: Jesus dude! I can't wait to post this on Facebook. So what happened?
JESUS: Long story. Being a carpenter, planks were just... always around. It took me years to realise I had a problem. Until this one bad planking accident involving two planks and three nails. 2000 years later and I still haven't lived that one down."
Hapax Legoman "is amused that Facebook just recommended that he should be friends with Simon Day from RatCat because we have seven mutual friends. Yeah-eh-eh-eh! And that ain't bad."
Hapax Legoman. "Poppy seed bread is the opiate of the masses."
Hapax Legoman "has decided that "entende o" must be Portuguese for "um"."
Hapax Legoman. "Since when has May had thirty-one days? Did it steal yet another one from February?"
Hapax Legoman "is annoyed at the arrogance of people who claim something must be true because a majority of scientists say so. A majority of scientists said that the atom was the smallest particle, the sun revolved around the Earth, and humans and chimps don't share a common ancestor. I don't care if human-produced climate change is real or not, but I do care about the implication that society has to blindly believe what it's told."
Hapax Legoman. "To the expert in his field who used the phrase "antidotal evidence" at least twice on the radio today: someone really needs to correct you on that."
Hapax Legoman. "Received hug and kiss on the cheek from former Neighbours starlet and spent an hour with police and criminal 'mastermind' fraudster who'd claimed to be "Gareth Evans". (N.B. it wasn't really Gareth Evans.) On balance, not a terrible day."
Hapax Legoman. "If I may kill all the bluejays I want, but it's a sin to kill a mockingbird, then where exactly on the killing/sin spectrum does treeful-of-screeching-mynah-birds fall?"
Hapax Legoman. "Did anyone else hear the interview with Rose Byrne this morning where she called Angela Bishop 'Bronwyn'? So good."
Hapax Legoman "just watched a car-window-washer-man pick up a littered apple, smash it on the road and collect the seeds. Is that normal? I can't imagine it's that easy to grow an apple tree. Maybe he's accumulating cyanide to poison someone."
Hapax Legoman "has started watching daytime television for the first time in many years and there appear to be only three types of advertisement. 1. Get life insurance because you're going to die. 2. Get funeral insurance because you're going to die. 3. Get health insurance so you can die in comfort."
Hapax Legoman. "Why are there yellow, orange, red, purple and white things in my green salad?"
Hapax Legoman "is ambisinistrous."
Hapax Legoman. "According to Newspoll research released today, of Australia's capital cities, the residents of Canberra are the happiest. Or least unhappy."
Hapax Legoman "would like to explain the difference between sexism and puns to the Telegraph. "Juliar" is not sexism, it is a pun. It is the same as "Kevin O'Lemon" and "The Mad Monk". Stating that it is sexist implies that only female politicians are liars. This is clearly not true."
Hapax Legoman. ""What's it called? When they put money in for when you're dead?" "Super?" "Yeah.""
Hapax Legoman. "Microsoft... stop trying to make Bing happen! It's not going to happen!"
Hapax Legoman "just watched Captain America. I can suspend disbelief when it comes to Nazis speaking English, but was kind of taken out of the moment when they'd used English to write signs on their bombs and 'autopilot' buttons."
Hapax Legoman "just heard that Kevin Rudd has a heart. Must have missed the press statement when the Blue Fairy made him a real boy."
Hapax Legoman. "Thanks to all for the birthday wishes and a glorious day."
Hapax Legoman. "The expert on office design (on the radio) described my pile-everything-on-the-desk style as a 'caldera desk' but I think it's more like stratification."
Hapax Legoman. "R.E.M. split up today, a shocking announcement for the 6.9 billion people on the planet who thought R.E.M. broke up ten years ago."
Hapax Legoman. "At 1:30pm, my first words to another human being on this school holiday Wednesday were, "It's hard to get up and out of bed when I don't have to." In other news, yesterday I noticed a child whose parents had left him unattended in a car. Well, not entirely unattended - the parents had left the child in the car with a goat."
Hapax Legoman. "My phone is telling me that I missed a call yesterday, but it's like a child with a half-assed phone message for its parent, so it can't actually remember exactly when, or who it was from. If you were that caller, please let me know - I'm not ignoring you, (my phone is.) Even if you weren't that caller and want to pretend to be, that's good too."
Hapax Legoman. "Hold on... Monica is Ross's sister and Chandler was Ross's college roommate. And then Monica and Chandler just coincidentally happened to live in apartments that were opposite each other? How does that make sense? (It's stuff like this that keeps me awake at night.)"
Hapax Legoman. "I have a new, ingenious savings plan! What I'm going to do is, every time I want to spend $50, I don't do it! Then, after going through this process just 200 times, I will have $10,000! If I repeat this simple cycle just 100 times then I shall have *one* *million* *dollars*! I am already getting rich as you read this!"
Hapax Legoman "just drove home behind a kangaroo through four suburban streets."
Hapax Legoman. "If people really died in wars so we could be here today, I'd say it's not such a big deal for us to pay a bit of tax so people at some time in the future can live to say the same thing."
Hapax Legoman. ""We're sticklers for historical accuracy on this programme. We always check whether something existed in the time when dragons spoke, and if it didn't... well then we don’t use it." (Julian Murphy, producer of 'Merlin')."
Hapax Legoman. "What is the point of decaffeinated coffee? Is it meant to be like methadone or cigarette patches?"
Hapax Legoman. "EARNEST STUDENT FROM TOP YEAR TEN ENGLISH CLASS: "You know how you can hear the sun?"
ME: "Um... No."
ESFTYTEC: "Yeah - you know - the noise sunlight makes. You can hear it on a sunny day."
ME: "There's a soundless vacuum between us and the sun. There is no… sun noise."
ESFTYTEC: "Sure there is! Moonlight makes a noise too..."
ME: "Right... Is it the same sound the sun makes only reflected?"
ESFTYTEC: "No, it's different." ESFTYTEC sticks her head out the window. "The sun definitely makes a noise. Can't you hear it."
ME - actually checking to see if I can hear the sun. "That's a helicopter."
ESFTYTEC: "Not the helicopter, the sun."
ME: "You can... hear the sun over the helicopter? What?! You have synaesthesia."
ESFTYTEC (is played the SOHO spacecraft's recording of the sun): "No, that's not it... I seriously thought everyone could hear it... You know... when you step outside and there's just that moon sound?""
Hapax Legoman. "So... Obama just came here with his 500-person entourage, fifty automobiles, helicopters, planes (etc.) while, back home, Americans are protesting economic waste? Couldn’t he just have used Skype?"
Hapax Legoman "likes his own status."
Hapax Legoman. "Hold on... so in Cabbage Patch Kids canon, why the heck did Xavier Roberts go around signing the bottoms of children? (Yes, once again it's past midnight, the randomly-strewn paperwork inside my brain is blowing in the wind and this is what I found.)"
Hapax Legoman. "Happy dies natalis Solis Invicti!"
2012
Hapax Legoman. "It's 2012. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know."
Hapax Legoman. "Beyoncé was pregnant?"
Hapax Legoman "met Brian Eno, Susan from Coupling (Sarah Alexander) and Chris Martin last night. Chris Martin liked my hat. Or... liked that I was wearing a hat."
Hapax Legoman. "It is unsurprising that it was an Italian and not the English who proved that the Earth revolved around the sun. It would be hard for an Englishman to prove that the Earth revolved around something that he had never actually seen."
Hapax Legoman. ""When I became a man I put away childish things because... wow, then I could afford much *better* childish things!" (Terry Pratchett)"
Hapax Legoman. "Seriously, how do plants photosynthesise in this country?"
Hapax Legoman. "If I'd known at the time that the guy on the phone was from Dexys Midnight Runners I would have told him at that moment he meant everything to me."
Hapax Legoman "is in trouble for sitting on a cushion, having been under the mistaken impression that it was what cushions were for. My life is this:" http://youtu.be/Lp0-8Ibkczc
Hapax Legoman "just received fan mail from Morocco. I'm big in Morocco."
Hapax Legoman. ""The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." T. H. White."
Hapax Legoman "I don't know why Richard Dawkins doesn't just say, "If God existed, why would he let me (of all people) sleep with Lalla Ward every night." QED."
Hapax Legoman. "Just ten years before I was born, the world population was half what it is now. That is insane."
Hapax Legoman. "Dear England, if you would like to convince me that you are in a drought, perhaps you could try NOT BEING CONSTANTLY RAINED ON! Yours sincerely, Jordan."
Hapax Legoman. "Why is there a University of Essex?"
Hapax Legoman "is annoyed that people are always told not to post things on Facebook because they will be on the internet eternally, and yet the things I actually want to find (my old 10-Second Interviews, LiveBlog posts and Notes) all appear to be gone forever."
Hapax Legoman "Apparently Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up' still nets Stock Aitken Waterman £1,000,000 a year. I wonder if it's possible that a good percentage of that is royalties from people being Rickrolled. Full article here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ (J/k. But the £1,000,000 statistic is true.)"
Hapax Legoman "just finished working behind the bar at the cricket club and on my way home walked past the block where Anne Brontë used to work as the governess. Life is unexpected."
Hapax Legoman. "I hate most of the contexts in which people use the word 'tolerant' - it always seems to imply that the thing being 'tolerated' is negative and something that must be grudgingly endured."
Hapax Legoman "just realised that there's a stone called sardonyx. I must use that as a character's name at some point."
Hapax Legoman. "It's hard to look right/At you, baby,/Like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it./So call me, maybe."
Hapax Legoman "is not a free man, he is a number."
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(If you still want to be Facebook friends with me after reading all that, you can find me here.)
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