(no subject)
I feel strange. Pensive, yet longing. Insightful- or atleast I'm noticing my insight more that I usually do. Today, I was reminded of a particular Dr. Bantly visit that I once had. Something he said that day stuck with me. I had always thought it, but to hear someone else say it... It... drove the point home. "Because you have such a strong family history of severe bipolar your case will need more careful monitoring. You'll have to be on watch for the rest of your life, even when you seem balanced on medications." It was like a "Be Paranoid About One Thing" coupon. The fact that for the first time in probably three years I have gone through Winter without one single drop of depression is hitting me now. It's... like a part of me has gone missing. An unwanted part to be sure, but it seems like something is missing. I've felt this before, during the summer months when I wasn't depressed, though never this strong. I always worried that I was like, getting addicted to highs and lows of Bipolar. It's a bizarre feeling, and not many out there will get what I mean when I say that when you come out of a depression is the most amazing thing you can feel. The feeling of pure ecstacy. It's like you were drowning for so long and it's that first breath you get when you finally surface. Then when you're manic, nothing in the world can touch you. You are above everything. But, for me atleast, I also hate myself and I am violent, angry, and paranoid. Everybody hates me, I'm abusing my sister the same as my father did me, I'll be stuck like this forever. I worry constantly of these things. And at the worst, I'm homocidal. People say they want to kill someone, but to know how it actually feels to want to is a chilling and scarring feeling. But the danger of all these things, I look back on them and they tempt me. Why? I can't figure out. Perhaps its the same type of danger that tempts us all. And then all together, the feelings are so intense it is unbelievable. I remember when I was finally getting stable on my medicines I would be like "Is this it? This is... How everybody else feels and functions? How... dull." And I still feel guilty for it. Sometimes my thoughts still drift to it. And now I fear for the future. Spring entitles manic stages for so many Bipolars. I myself have been known to spike at random periods during Spring.
Is this almost longing to feel those feelings again a cry for attention? Perhaps. I do not know myself. Drew once said something about that I might not want to display entries such as this to the public/friends. While his opinion is logical, I get a different kind of relief out of publishing these sorts of entries to my friends. If they are private for only me to read it's like I never let the feelings out, that they are still trapped within me. *shrugs*
*hums* Shine~ Shine down on me~ Shine on this life that's burnin' out...
EDIT:
God, now I feel melodramatic. Whatever. I'll leave it up.
Is this almost longing to feel those feelings again a cry for attention? Perhaps. I do not know myself. Drew once said something about that I might not want to display entries such as this to the public/friends. While his opinion is logical, I get a different kind of relief out of publishing these sorts of entries to my friends. If they are private for only me to read it's like I never let the feelings out, that they are still trapped within me. *shrugs*
*hums* Shine~ Shine down on me~ Shine on this life that's burnin' out...
EDIT:
God, now I feel melodramatic. Whatever. I'll leave it up.