Review of Today's events
First of all, the usual:
Pain level: Ugh, nasty. I'm nausous as all hell, partial because of the movie.
Warning you all now, alot of serious emotional crap behind the cut.
Today was a really... strange day, now that I think of it. Had to write an essay-thing about a video I saw yesterday on Immigration and found it annoying because my thoughts wouldn't come out properly.
Found out that my supervisor at my internship's mother died yesterday morning so, long day there, very melancholy feeling.
And now..... for the big one.
United 93: the movie.
First of all, to all you on my f-list, even if you think you'll hate the movie; GO SEE IT. It's hard, I know, to see something Hollywood produced about such a touchy subject but... you all need to see it.
It's been a little over 4 hours and I'm still shaking.
I knew what I was in for, I knew it'd make me cry and perhaps piss me off but... I never expected the complete and total full throttle this movie threw my emotional state into... not to mention my Empathy Gift.
Every moment watching the people, completely oblivious to their fate... it hurt, I wanted to turn back time, to warn them. I wanted to scream at the screen to get off the plane and cancel that flight, to watch the skies and look out for the World Trade Center.
I wanted to save them.
Talking to people these days, they always villianize the hijackers, make them the "bad guys" and the enemy. They stereotype the Arabian/Middle-Eastern people as if it weren't a big deal.
...they breed hatred.
And yet, even when everything went to hell, when they took over the plane, stabbed and slit peoples' throats and killed them... even when the plane crashed....
I felt no hatred towards any of them. There was one thing that I wanted to scream out, to ask them during the whole time.
"Why?"
That was the only thing I could think of when I saw them. Not "you cruel, heartless sons of bitches, how dare you!" and whatever else people throw at them. I couldn't find it anywhere within my body to hate them. I even found myself crying for their ringleader, the guy in the white shirt who kept looking like he'd been having second thoughts, who started crying when the passengers broke into the cockpit.
So much in that movie makes me hurt.
I was never pissed off or furious with the hijackers. What I was furious about (and Lyra knows it too, she was right there with me) was the government's reaction and how when someone kept telling them "this isn't right, this isn't right, do something!" they ignored him for the most part.. until it was too late.
The most intense and emotional killers for me in this movie are below, don't read if you don't want.
The 2nd Plane Flying into the Trade Center:
Watching it on that screen, brought me back to the time when I'd seen it when it had happened. I was 13, just coming out of the Void I'd locked my soul in for 4 years and had woken up about a half hour prior to when I got out of bed. Something had woken me up and I didn't have a good feeling about something. Something just felt completely wrong about that day. I remember vaguely walking out, wrapped in my blanket and staring at the TV just as the second plane hit the tower.
No emotion but shock then.
But now... when I'd seen it again... my heart just plain froze as I watched it move swiftly towards the tower, felt my eyes fill up with tears and start to overflow when it disappeared behind the angle of the tower.
And when the explosion of flames, glass, what looked like charred people (might have been... I wasn't sure) came out the opposite side. I literally flinched, wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my head on them and just wept. It just hurt, and I felt every bit of fear, panic, confusion, disbelief and even pain for that one instant. Everyone in there, I felt it, like I was thrown back in time to when it happened, I felt everything that the people there were feeling.
I was so extremely keyed up and tensed emotionally and physically that I'm frankly surprised I never jumped half way out of my skin during a few scenes.
The Telephoned Goodbyes: The part I knew from what I'd heard from other people talking about it, that would kill me emotionally.
and it did.
Watching as people made their calls to the people they loved, knew they'd never see again and forced themselves to try and stay strong despite the knowledge of their fate.
All their pain, grief and emotion just hurt me so much.
One girl was about 18-21 years old, still so young, and she was forced to call her mother and talk to her on the phone and tell her that she loved her so very much. How that was, having to tell your mother that you'd never see her again because you weren't going to make it... because the plane was going to crash and you were going to die.
Listening to people praying to God, begging for help, for peace, for... everything. The helplessness and trapped feelings, all of it.
It's like the feelings of the dead were transferred into me.... crazy I know but, I felt it. Old couples holding each other close, tightly for comfort, so that they'd be connected when they died before their time was supposed to come.
So that they wouldn't die alone, even if they were terrified.
Hearing husbands, fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, all of them saying goodbye, crying and trying not to to their families and friends as they were forced to say goodbye.
How much heartache could one movie produce from such an event......
And then there was the scene that's refusing to leave my mind, I close my eyes or drift off into space and it's right there before my eyes again.
The Spiral:
The scene that ends the movie. The plane out of control, spiralling helplessly despite everyone's efforts to get it righted, to try and save everything and everyone from their eventual fate.
What hurt the most besides the panicked, choking feeling that seized me watching it, and my thoughts screaming "Please, God, NO, don't! Please let there be a happy ending, please don't do this." despite I knew it wasn't going to end well...
What hurt most; was feeling like I was in that plane, like a ghost, beside them all as they stared in horror at the rapidly approaching ground that spun like insanity beneath the windows of the plane.
And the place where I couldn't take it anymore and burst out into sobs, loud ones that had me embarrassed and not caring about the volume at the same time just as the plane "hit" the ground and the screaming, the yelling and the crying hysterically came to an abrupt stop at the same time the screaming of the plane did as it completed the crash into land at maximum speed.
...and the screen went completely black.
I just sat there, holding myself as I cried, Lyra hugged and held me while I forced myself to watch the last bit, the white letters detailing the aftermath making me cry all the more.
I don't know what you guys think of this entry, or if you bothered to read all of it but... I'm being pretty brutally honest here.
...although, I'm irritated because my mom's so fucking busy fretting over the drama with my sister that she doesn't even notice that I wanted to talk about the movie with her.. and about how I felt/etc.
...and so the emo!part comes in:
...Mom seems to be more focused on my sister than anything else right now, she's completely ignoring the fact that I'd like to talk with her about things OTHER THAN THAT FUCKING STUPID RELATIONSHIP MY SISTER AND HER BOYFRIEND HAD BEFORE THEY BROKE THE FUCK UP.
I don't care if I'm being unfair or immature goddammit, I'd like to see my mom act like she is MY mother too for once in the past year.
Anyways, I'm going to bed after my shower, night.
...I don't even WANT to think about the dreams tonight... or if I'll be reliving it.
Pain level: Ugh, nasty. I'm nausous as all hell, partial because of the movie.
Warning you all now, alot of serious emotional crap behind the cut.
Today was a really... strange day, now that I think of it. Had to write an essay-thing about a video I saw yesterday on Immigration and found it annoying because my thoughts wouldn't come out properly.
Found out that my supervisor at my internship's mother died yesterday morning so, long day there, very melancholy feeling.
And now..... for the big one.
United 93: the movie.
First of all, to all you on my f-list, even if you think you'll hate the movie; GO SEE IT. It's hard, I know, to see something Hollywood produced about such a touchy subject but... you all need to see it.
It's been a little over 4 hours and I'm still shaking.
I knew what I was in for, I knew it'd make me cry and perhaps piss me off but... I never expected the complete and total full throttle this movie threw my emotional state into... not to mention my Empathy Gift.
Every moment watching the people, completely oblivious to their fate... it hurt, I wanted to turn back time, to warn them. I wanted to scream at the screen to get off the plane and cancel that flight, to watch the skies and look out for the World Trade Center.
I wanted to save them.
Talking to people these days, they always villianize the hijackers, make them the "bad guys" and the enemy. They stereotype the Arabian/Middle-Eastern people as if it weren't a big deal.
...they breed hatred.
And yet, even when everything went to hell, when they took over the plane, stabbed and slit peoples' throats and killed them... even when the plane crashed....
I felt no hatred towards any of them. There was one thing that I wanted to scream out, to ask them during the whole time.
"Why?"
That was the only thing I could think of when I saw them. Not "you cruel, heartless sons of bitches, how dare you!" and whatever else people throw at them. I couldn't find it anywhere within my body to hate them. I even found myself crying for their ringleader, the guy in the white shirt who kept looking like he'd been having second thoughts, who started crying when the passengers broke into the cockpit.
So much in that movie makes me hurt.
I was never pissed off or furious with the hijackers. What I was furious about (and Lyra knows it too, she was right there with me) was the government's reaction and how when someone kept telling them "this isn't right, this isn't right, do something!" they ignored him for the most part.. until it was too late.
The most intense and emotional killers for me in this movie are below, don't read if you don't want.
The 2nd Plane Flying into the Trade Center:
Watching it on that screen, brought me back to the time when I'd seen it when it had happened. I was 13, just coming out of the Void I'd locked my soul in for 4 years and had woken up about a half hour prior to when I got out of bed. Something had woken me up and I didn't have a good feeling about something. Something just felt completely wrong about that day. I remember vaguely walking out, wrapped in my blanket and staring at the TV just as the second plane hit the tower.
No emotion but shock then.
But now... when I'd seen it again... my heart just plain froze as I watched it move swiftly towards the tower, felt my eyes fill up with tears and start to overflow when it disappeared behind the angle of the tower.
And when the explosion of flames, glass, what looked like charred people (might have been... I wasn't sure) came out the opposite side. I literally flinched, wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my head on them and just wept. It just hurt, and I felt every bit of fear, panic, confusion, disbelief and even pain for that one instant. Everyone in there, I felt it, like I was thrown back in time to when it happened, I felt everything that the people there were feeling.
I was so extremely keyed up and tensed emotionally and physically that I'm frankly surprised I never jumped half way out of my skin during a few scenes.
The Telephoned Goodbyes: The part I knew from what I'd heard from other people talking about it, that would kill me emotionally.
and it did.
Watching as people made their calls to the people they loved, knew they'd never see again and forced themselves to try and stay strong despite the knowledge of their fate.
All their pain, grief and emotion just hurt me so much.
One girl was about 18-21 years old, still so young, and she was forced to call her mother and talk to her on the phone and tell her that she loved her so very much. How that was, having to tell your mother that you'd never see her again because you weren't going to make it... because the plane was going to crash and you were going to die.
Listening to people praying to God, begging for help, for peace, for... everything. The helplessness and trapped feelings, all of it.
It's like the feelings of the dead were transferred into me.... crazy I know but, I felt it. Old couples holding each other close, tightly for comfort, so that they'd be connected when they died before their time was supposed to come.
So that they wouldn't die alone, even if they were terrified.
Hearing husbands, fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, all of them saying goodbye, crying and trying not to to their families and friends as they were forced to say goodbye.
How much heartache could one movie produce from such an event......
And then there was the scene that's refusing to leave my mind, I close my eyes or drift off into space and it's right there before my eyes again.
The Spiral:
The scene that ends the movie. The plane out of control, spiralling helplessly despite everyone's efforts to get it righted, to try and save everything and everyone from their eventual fate.
What hurt the most besides the panicked, choking feeling that seized me watching it, and my thoughts screaming "Please, God, NO, don't! Please let there be a happy ending, please don't do this." despite I knew it wasn't going to end well...
What hurt most; was feeling like I was in that plane, like a ghost, beside them all as they stared in horror at the rapidly approaching ground that spun like insanity beneath the windows of the plane.
And the place where I couldn't take it anymore and burst out into sobs, loud ones that had me embarrassed and not caring about the volume at the same time just as the plane "hit" the ground and the screaming, the yelling and the crying hysterically came to an abrupt stop at the same time the screaming of the plane did as it completed the crash into land at maximum speed.
...and the screen went completely black.
I just sat there, holding myself as I cried, Lyra hugged and held me while I forced myself to watch the last bit, the white letters detailing the aftermath making me cry all the more.
I don't know what you guys think of this entry, or if you bothered to read all of it but... I'm being pretty brutally honest here.
...although, I'm irritated because my mom's so fucking busy fretting over the drama with my sister that she doesn't even notice that I wanted to talk about the movie with her.. and about how I felt/etc.
...and so the emo!part comes in:
...Mom seems to be more focused on my sister than anything else right now, she's completely ignoring the fact that I'd like to talk with her about things OTHER THAN THAT FUCKING STUPID RELATIONSHIP MY SISTER AND HER BOYFRIEND HAD BEFORE THEY BROKE THE FUCK UP.
I don't care if I'm being unfair or immature goddammit, I'd like to see my mom act like she is MY mother too for once in the past year.
Anyways, I'm going to bed after my shower, night.
...I don't even WANT to think about the dreams tonight... or if I'll be reliving it.