Stare into the Night
Having a heart-to-heart with my Mom both helped and didn't at the same time. I heard everything I'd heard and have known before at the same time I learned a few new things as well. What's going on isn't anything new; it's just been something I haven't been aware of or have paid any attention to because there's always been something more pressing at hand that needed my attention.
I told her some things I haven't told anyone yet, save maybe
semlovari (by the way, Sam's still the older one and will be beating the younger one up; she HAS Mage Killer goddammit and she WILL make you fumble your spells! SO THERE XP), about just how far it is. Mostly because I'm trying to be the strong one (as per usual) and wanted to make it on my own strength and do it my own way.
I knew how bad it was, have known how bad and how far I've back-slid in the last four or five months now. I saw the signs and ignored them because I didn't want to deal with their possibility or anything like that.
It took verbalizing it, vocally saying it to really make it hit home. And that upsets me in more ways than one because of what that implicates if I don't get the help I need. And I don't need to fall completely back into where I was 11 years ago; Mom immediately told me to get my ass into gear and go in. She knows the signs as well as the consequences if I keep going as I am.
It won't be good and she knows as well as I do that it'd be the shittiest thing that could happen if I managed to fuck up 11 years of fighting because of my vice being Pride.
Talking to Mom helps; a lot. Mostly because she was there and watched everything as it happened, noticed the signs and all of that. She also blames herself, I didn't know that until the phone conversation, never said it explicitly but, I could tell she blamed herself because of the toxemia and potentially the things she ate during her pregnancy she thought might have been bad.
The next several months, yes, I did just say months as in the proverbial "long ass" measure of time are going to be more up and down than the world's most fucked up roller coaster.
Because like all things that tend to happen with me in either the physical or mental department; it's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it's going to get any better. I know that, I recognize that and I'm going to do my damndest to swallow my Pride and accept the cold hard facts when they're presented in front of me.
Because this is more than likely going to require the "M" word that I hate so much and have such a damn issue with.
By "M" word I mean "medication". Perverted bitches. XP
I'm apologizing (shut up, I don't want to hear anything outta any of you when it comes to this 'no apologizing' bullshit) in advance for everything and anything that will come up in the next several months as I go through a, granted, much milder version of what I have been through 11 years ago.
I will be saying things to drive you away and make you back the fuck off, because I want to be proven right in certain ways and it's easier.
The things I say aren't even directed at you, they may sound like it, I may be screaming it in your face and stabbing you in the back with it; but it's at myself I'm saying it at, not you. I'm not even seeing you when I'm doing that, I'm looking at some piece of myself I see in you somehow and yelling at that.
I will abruptly freak and flip my shit over retarded things, ignore that and just leave me to get the fuck over it. trust me, not worth the fight on that one. Pick and choose the fights because I'll be looking for something to fight with because I'm so busy fighting myself as well.
I'm going to war against my own mind and against everything I am right now; the good, the bad and everything that's extra.
I will be changing, I'll be destroying the self I know now, the self that still lingers from the past and the one that's waiting to be met head on in some fight in the future.
There's nothing anyone can do except sit, wait and watch. It's going to suck and it's going to be hard. But I'll win eventually, it'll take me a long, long time. But I will win.
I'll come back from this one.
I told her some things I haven't told anyone yet, save maybe
semlovari (by the way, Sam's still the older one and will be beating the younger one up; she HAS Mage Killer goddammit and she WILL make you fumble your spells! SO THERE XP), about just how far it is. Mostly because I'm trying to be the strong one (as per usual) and wanted to make it on my own strength and do it my own way.
I knew how bad it was, have known how bad and how far I've back-slid in the last four or five months now. I saw the signs and ignored them because I didn't want to deal with their possibility or anything like that.
It took verbalizing it, vocally saying it to really make it hit home. And that upsets me in more ways than one because of what that implicates if I don't get the help I need. And I don't need to fall completely back into where I was 11 years ago; Mom immediately told me to get my ass into gear and go in. She knows the signs as well as the consequences if I keep going as I am.
It won't be good and she knows as well as I do that it'd be the shittiest thing that could happen if I managed to fuck up 11 years of fighting because of my vice being Pride.
Talking to Mom helps; a lot. Mostly because she was there and watched everything as it happened, noticed the signs and all of that. She also blames herself, I didn't know that until the phone conversation, never said it explicitly but, I could tell she blamed herself because of the toxemia and potentially the things she ate during her pregnancy she thought might have been bad.
The next several months, yes, I did just say months as in the proverbial "long ass" measure of time are going to be more up and down than the world's most fucked up roller coaster.
Because like all things that tend to happen with me in either the physical or mental department; it's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it's going to get any better. I know that, I recognize that and I'm going to do my damndest to swallow my Pride and accept the cold hard facts when they're presented in front of me.
Because this is more than likely going to require the "M" word that I hate so much and have such a damn issue with.
By "M" word I mean "medication". Perverted bitches. XP
I'm apologizing (shut up, I don't want to hear anything outta any of you when it comes to this 'no apologizing' bullshit) in advance for everything and anything that will come up in the next several months as I go through a, granted, much milder version of what I have been through 11 years ago.
I will be saying things to drive you away and make you back the fuck off, because I want to be proven right in certain ways and it's easier.
The things I say aren't even directed at you, they may sound like it, I may be screaming it in your face and stabbing you in the back with it; but it's at myself I'm saying it at, not you. I'm not even seeing you when I'm doing that, I'm looking at some piece of myself I see in you somehow and yelling at that.
I will abruptly freak and flip my shit over retarded things, ignore that and just leave me to get the fuck over it. trust me, not worth the fight on that one. Pick and choose the fights because I'll be looking for something to fight with because I'm so busy fighting myself as well.
I'm going to war against my own mind and against everything I am right now; the good, the bad and everything that's extra.
I will be changing, I'll be destroying the self I know now, the self that still lingers from the past and the one that's waiting to be met head on in some fight in the future.
There's nothing anyone can do except sit, wait and watch. It's going to suck and it's going to be hard. But I'll win eventually, it'll take me a long, long time. But I will win.
I'll come back from this one.