Silent Moments
This is another one of those entries I get to place the blame on
lyarrah for inspiring. It's gonna be long, it's going to be jumping from topic to topic and it may not make a hell of a lot of sense to anyone except for me when I come back and read it later.
During a conversation in the car when we went to H-Mart (ha ha guys, no, it wasn't a hentai store, promise. <3),
lyarrah was listening to me prattle my thoughts in my usually bumbling, messy and space-off manner that usually winds up with me trailing off for anywhere from ten to forty seconds at a time before I try and restate what I was trying to say to begin with and, during a conversation I'd told her about with my mother from the other day, said something that kind of threw me completely off. Now, I'm someone who, online, can pick up sublties like whoa dang, throw me in a room face to face and I'm basically fucked to high Sunday.
"I've been trying to find a way to tell you this in a way you'd understand; you've got a blank slate."
Here's the thing, as I'm sure people are well aware of from the constant emo-bitchery I have about the subject:
I have zero memory of the time before, well, my grandfather's death and funeral actually. The area between 9 years old to about fourteen is basically all but gone as well, with some sketchy bits here and there that will pop up every so often when I get the brass to actually ask if it happened or not.
I have no memories of my childhood, of things I've said, done or whatnot. And for the longest time and even now, it still bothers me in a way I can't really explain. It's a piece of me that's missing even though I've got the ability to distinguish between the "child" and the "adult" in my mind and apparently have for a while now. It's upsetting because I want to remember, part of it is probably to see just how much of the guilt I'm not talking about is from things my subconscious knows I've done and how much is just there because of the anxiety of not knowing.
But
lyarrah's comment about the blank slate just really got to me today. In her way, I think it was a "Quit beating yourself up about it and start focusing on what you can do in the now" kind of talk.
Things... just don't feel right without that section of my life though. It's like there's some part of me missing that I'm not going to get back, something that makes a crucial part of me, well, me. What am I going to do if I have children someday and they want to know what I was like as a child? What if the person I'm with's parents want to know what I was like as a child? If someone wants a childhood story from me so they can hear about it?
It's little insecurities like these that tend to drive me the craziest and that really eat up at me. Sometimes when I talk to people I've known for a long time, like Fallon, Keegan, Joseph, my sister, Mom or Dad or one of my other relatives, it'll depress the hell out of me because there's that one part of me who's perched eagerly on the edge of her seat wanting someone to start talking about the stories of the past, of me as a young child and of the times I can't remember so I can examine them in my own mind and place them carefully.
One of the things that's got me frustrated is just how long it took for my Mom to actually believe me when I said "I don't remember my childhood." It took a knockdown drag out fight over email with her and a response that
lyarrah had to help me write in order for her to actually realize that I wasn't saying "I don't remember" to avoid talking about it or to change the subject/end the conversation. Mom actually brought it up in the conversation I had with her on the phone the other day and, after mentioning it with a tone that actually sounded like she was a little concerned about it and believed me now, told me about a serious medical incident I had when I was four or so years old that related to something similiar that my sister is going through.
There are some memories I wish I could absolutely remove from existing.
But then I have to look back at those memories and remember what I gained from them, rather than what I might have lost in the grand scheme of things.
I've experienced a lot in the last five-six years. Not all of it was bad and not all of it was good, I'm here and breathing still, I can walk, run, laugh, hear, see, speak when I choose to, and I can feel.
Some of it's been frustrating.
Some of it's been nerve wracking.
Some of it's made me laugh.
Some of it's been painful.it
Some of it's made me cry.
But I'm still happy to have felt it all somehow, that all of what I do have for memories on that slate of mine, all of it is still mine and something that happened, that I know happened and that people can agree with and confirm it.
I'm alive and I have people I care about, people I want to see and have fun with.
People I'll make new memories with and celebrate them with.
I'm not very good about expressing it, hell, I'm not good at expressing a lot of things. XD But that's... another section to get into here in a minute. But I really am grateful for the memories, the reason I usually bring them up is so that I retell it myself at the same time, because there is that part of me who is afraid of losing them again, of being left with the blank slate and not knowing again.
That's why I stick with people I like; I want to make memories with them because I like them and because I believe we'd have fun.
So... long story short, I need to stop focusing on what memories I don't have, start being kinder to the ones I do and look forward to making more in the future.
I have a lot of opportunities coming up in the next six months; I'm going to Animazement with
lyarrah,
serinance, and
thelastdaughter and
lyarrah, Kiwi and I are going to be going ROADTRIPBITCHES all the way to the con. XD It'll be entertaining for sure. We're planning to stop by Pennsylvania,
fictiontrent, that means we're going to spread the evil of the jibaro and Shihai drop in for a visit/rest in your city for lunch or something. Better run, Kira'll be headin' your way with an arsenal, maybe those sixth degree blackbelts would serve you better than Sekai XD
Then basically right after that is my trip to California for
raquar's graduation with
umbraltear and
takua, maybe even a Centrus if we can get him.
And then it's back to Denver for a while.
I'd like to go to the Grand Tsubaki Shrine of America when I turn 20 this year, in July. Goddamn I feel old. DX It's a little past Seattle, WA so... I'll get to see the Space Needle again *dork* and,
lyarrah suggested that a second roadtrip be that for the hell of it this summer if she can get off work. "Let's see how many miles we can put on this baby" is what she said to me in the car. XD
Regardless; I'll be doing lots of traveling this year and then there's NDK. X3 Hell yeah!
Anyways, enough of my psycho-babble, next entry will be another Very Serious Subject (TM) to me so, I'll be back. and I'll be Beethoven
lyarrah for inspiring. It's gonna be long, it's going to be jumping from topic to topic and it may not make a hell of a lot of sense to anyone except for me when I come back and read it later.
During a conversation in the car when we went to H-Mart (ha ha guys, no, it wasn't a hentai store, promise. <3),
lyarrah was listening to me prattle my thoughts in my usually bumbling, messy and space-off manner that usually winds up with me trailing off for anywhere from ten to forty seconds at a time before I try and restate what I was trying to say to begin with and, during a conversation I'd told her about with my mother from the other day, said something that kind of threw me completely off. Now, I'm someone who, online, can pick up sublties like whoa dang, throw me in a room face to face and I'm basically fucked to high Sunday.
"I've been trying to find a way to tell you this in a way you'd understand; you've got a blank slate."
Here's the thing, as I'm sure people are well aware of from the constant emo-bitchery I have about the subject:
I have zero memory of the time before, well, my grandfather's death and funeral actually. The area between 9 years old to about fourteen is basically all but gone as well, with some sketchy bits here and there that will pop up every so often when I get the brass to actually ask if it happened or not.
I have no memories of my childhood, of things I've said, done or whatnot. And for the longest time and even now, it still bothers me in a way I can't really explain. It's a piece of me that's missing even though I've got the ability to distinguish between the "child" and the "adult" in my mind and apparently have for a while now. It's upsetting because I want to remember, part of it is probably to see just how much of the guilt I'm not talking about is from things my subconscious knows I've done and how much is just there because of the anxiety of not knowing.
But
lyarrah's comment about the blank slate just really got to me today. In her way, I think it was a "Quit beating yourself up about it and start focusing on what you can do in the now" kind of talk.
Things... just don't feel right without that section of my life though. It's like there's some part of me missing that I'm not going to get back, something that makes a crucial part of me, well, me. What am I going to do if I have children someday and they want to know what I was like as a child? What if the person I'm with's parents want to know what I was like as a child? If someone wants a childhood story from me so they can hear about it?
It's little insecurities like these that tend to drive me the craziest and that really eat up at me. Sometimes when I talk to people I've known for a long time, like Fallon, Keegan, Joseph, my sister, Mom or Dad or one of my other relatives, it'll depress the hell out of me because there's that one part of me who's perched eagerly on the edge of her seat wanting someone to start talking about the stories of the past, of me as a young child and of the times I can't remember so I can examine them in my own mind and place them carefully.
One of the things that's got me frustrated is just how long it took for my Mom to actually believe me when I said "I don't remember my childhood." It took a knockdown drag out fight over email with her and a response that
lyarrah had to help me write in order for her to actually realize that I wasn't saying "I don't remember" to avoid talking about it or to change the subject/end the conversation. Mom actually brought it up in the conversation I had with her on the phone the other day and, after mentioning it with a tone that actually sounded like she was a little concerned about it and believed me now, told me about a serious medical incident I had when I was four or so years old that related to something similiar that my sister is going through.
There are some memories I wish I could absolutely remove from existing.
But then I have to look back at those memories and remember what I gained from them, rather than what I might have lost in the grand scheme of things.
I've experienced a lot in the last five-six years. Not all of it was bad and not all of it was good, I'm here and breathing still, I can walk, run, laugh, hear, see, speak when I choose to, and I can feel.
Some of it's been frustrating.
Some of it's been nerve wracking.
Some of it's made me laugh.
Some of it's been painful.it
Some of it's made me cry.
But I'm still happy to have felt it all somehow, that all of what I do have for memories on that slate of mine, all of it is still mine and something that happened, that I know happened and that people can agree with and confirm it.
I'm alive and I have people I care about, people I want to see and have fun with.
People I'll make new memories with and celebrate them with.
I'm not very good about expressing it, hell, I'm not good at expressing a lot of things. XD But that's... another section to get into here in a minute. But I really am grateful for the memories, the reason I usually bring them up is so that I retell it myself at the same time, because there is that part of me who is afraid of losing them again, of being left with the blank slate and not knowing again.
That's why I stick with people I like; I want to make memories with them because I like them and because I believe we'd have fun.
So... long story short, I need to stop focusing on what memories I don't have, start being kinder to the ones I do and look forward to making more in the future.
I have a lot of opportunities coming up in the next six months; I'm going to Animazement with
lyarrah,
serinance, and
thelastdaughter and
lyarrah, Kiwi and I are going to be going ROADTRIPBITCHES all the way to the con. XD It'll be entertaining for sure. We're planning to stop by Pennsylvania,
fictiontrent, that means we're going to spread the evil of the jibaro and Shihai drop in for a visit/rest in your city for lunch or something. Better run, Kira'll be headin' your way with an arsenal, maybe those sixth degree blackbelts would serve you better than Sekai XD
Then basically right after that is my trip to California for
raquar's graduation with
umbraltear and
takua, maybe even a Centrus if we can get him.
And then it's back to Denver for a while.
I'd like to go to the Grand Tsubaki Shrine of America when I turn 20 this year, in July. Goddamn I feel old. DX It's a little past Seattle, WA so... I'll get to see the Space Needle again *dork* and,
lyarrah suggested that a second roadtrip be that for the hell of it this summer if she can get off work. "Let's see how many miles we can put on this baby" is what she said to me in the car. XD
Regardless; I'll be doing lots of traveling this year and then there's NDK. X3 Hell yeah!
Anyways, enough of my psycho-babble, next entry will be another Very Serious Subject (TM) to me so, I'll be back. and I'll be Beethoven