Late Night Contemplating
Seems like everyone, myself and the 7 included, are in a state of somewhere crossed between melancholy and contemplation with a good deal of tiredness and even a little stress.
The scent of the rain is still heavy in the air, I'm not hungry, I've got water right here to drink and for some reason, my mind is still contemplative while my body is stating the need to rest for a little while is an interesting feeling. More so since my body is completely relaxed and I'm not cold anymore. I wonder if it's something about the oncoming of fall and the rains that I think will show up (then again, Denver =/= Portland) during said season that brings out peoples' contemplative sides.
In some ways, I feel really... detached, almost confused yet intrigued because I have no immediate understanding of why humans do the things they do and why i walk alongside them and do the very same things day after day as they do; kind of like I'm not really one of them, just someone who's parading around as human. Though, I know that just probably set some warning bells off and have you all going, "...the fuck you say?" or "off the anime for a while" but, hey. It's how I feel at this time of the morning and such. Part of me really wants to go outside and watch the sunrise before going to sleep.
In other ways, I find myself thinking too much. That's a bad habit of mine because it generally doesn't lead to anything good and can bring on an anxiety attack that'll have me sweating bullets and my heart racing. The future is a very unstable and uncertain thing as far as I'm concerned; it's like walking a tightrope that builds itself inch by inch in front of you with every step you take and vanishes into the mists behind you. I worry; I've told "my boys" and several other people online and off of it that it's just what I do; I worry. It isn't always about them, (though I do have a habit of looking in every direction every so often a few times a day and before bed and taking a moment to send a small prayer and wish of good health, safety and happiness to go to them) and it isn't always about things that make a lot of sense for the most part. Silly little things like wondering about the weather or if that particular cloud in the distance is going to bring a thunderstorm, how global warming is doing and how the population of the endangered animals is fairing.
Of course I have my own worries, my boys have gone through a lot in this past year or so, and I'm really proud of how far along and how much progress and growing up they've all done. There are times I feel as if I'm kind of standing there and watching them move forward when I'm somehow frozen in place but, then again, I remind myself that they probably feel that way too sometimes and turn my focus somewhere else. It's a bit odd to think about really; how many relationships and bonds I've made in the nearly three years I've been on Divergence and just how many of those I realize have such a powerful effect and influence over the person I am today and will become in the future. I probably piss them off from time to time, especially when I'm not forthcoming with my own worries and problems when I've told them to come to me with theirs and ask that they let me help them but, that's just the kind of person I am I guess; I'm the one in the background who kind of keeps an open mind and open heart out for those who need someone to listen, to give advice or to just be there for them.
In some ways, I feel a little like a human embodiment of Yuuko's shop; only those who have actual need or some kind of requirement of me are actually able to "see" me. Kind of strange, ne?
I don't have all the wisdom in the world and despite the fact that my card in the tarot deck is usually the High Priestess (look up the definition and meaning behind the card; very interesting); I am just a 19 year old human female who has not the slightest clue on what she wants to do with her life, works as a car hop at Sonic's, likes to write and has the support of a family who never gave up on her and that of the friends that could never, ever be replaced and never will me. Every time I look back at my accomplishments, I realize something I don't think a lot of other people really do take the time to think about.
Every accomplishment I've made, I have someone or several someones who have been there to help me achieve it; it isn't just "my" victory and accomplishment alone. Everything I've succeeded in doing is also someone else's victory as well.
In April, it'll be 11 years since puberty and all the psychological issues and the real struggle to survive came; the physical aspect of it still lingers right now in my fight to grow my hair out and keep myself from pulling it. 11 years is a little too longer for my stubborn and headstrong self to be okay with having Trichotillomania and I made it my biggest goal this year to go home for Christmas and surprise my family with 4 months of growth and progress. Because with as fast as my hair grows when I'm able to leave it alone (I'm about a week and a half past the one month mark right now and it's about half to 3/4 to maybe one inch in length); four months should make it anywhere from just below my ears to maybe the back of my neck. I don't really like to talk about how much of a struggle it is because, as the excuses tend to go, I don't feel like it's something I'm really able to talk about and have people understand just how big of a deal and struggle it is for me day to day to fight this. It's a bit selfish of me and definitely hypocritical when I'm so bull-headed and demanding of people to tell me their issues even if they think it's stupid or unimportant but, you know, you really aren't able to help how you feel in the end.
On some days, it feels like I'm the oldest and the biggest "adult" in the house; the most mature and the one who's the most stable in everything but financially (no mom or anyone else; this doesn't mean go "OMG; NEED TO HELP!"; I'm not beat down yet and I have my work) while on others I suddenly feel like I'm about as lost and chaotic as the middle east is right now. (Bad reference? *wince*) I do tend to project my mood without thinking or realizing it, kind of stupid but, when you're subconsciously projecting, you don't tend to realize it.
By April 18th, 2008 I want to have defeated Trichotillomania completely and I want to visit my grandfather's gravesite and tell him that I'm okay now; that I've won my biggest and hardest battle; and that he doesn't need to worry about me anymore if he still does. I also will apologize for not being able to remember our times together, what he looked like and what he sounded like but will also tell him that, even if I don't remember, the stories of how happy I was as a child going out on those fun times are more than enough for me.
Some day; I want to be able to look my biological father in the eye and tell him that, while he hasn't apologized or made any effort to really get to know his oldest daughter; that I forgive him and that I hope his life is a happy one from there on out. I know that right now, I'm not a big enough, or mature enough of a person (or you know, we can put it religiously and say that I'm not a pure enough of a soul) to be able to let that particular chapter in my life end and be over with. But one day in that unstable future ahead of me; I know that I will eventually be able to let that pain and let that anger go completely.
The lump in my throat and the tears I know are trying to fall and am fighting against tells me that this is something that, while it's not easy for me to just prattle on like this, it's something that I needed to do pretty badly. Fergie, despite how much of a poor influence I believe she is for girls everywhere and my dislike for most of her songs is approaching semi-ridiculous, really hit it home for me with a few lines from her song "Big Girls Don't Cry".
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal; myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you
Like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
The chorus of that song, every time I hear it, just stirs something inside that I don't know if I can explain at the moment. The third an fourth lines are very personal to me; mostly because I know I'm going through so much at once and that everyday seems to bring some startling new surprise and revelation about myself. But also because it is personal and it is mostly between myself now and the I that I'm supposed to become. The seventh line is very hard hitting; I have so much that I could and sometimes do let burden me that I won't let myself move on; but this song just reminds me every time I catch myself in those thoughts, that I have to straighten myself up and I have to get a move on with my life because when you get right down to it; there is no other way and there is no turning back. The eighth and ninth lines are probably obvious but; before you all tell me that "big girls can and do too cry!"? Take a minute to really think about how those two lines fit in with the rest of the song. To me? It says that big girls don't cry over what is done, over with and will not be able to be changed; they move on with their lives.
I have a lot of straightening out to do and definitely a lot of growing up to do but, you know, I will make it eventually and I will become that I that I'm supposed to become in the future. It will take a while, of this I'm certain, because good human beings weren't born good; we're all born neutral and it's up to the series of factors of how we grow up, how we make our choices and how we were instructed and impressed upon that results in us growing up into the people we were meant to be and will become.
Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, the Dali Lama....
If there were three people who I had to chose who were infamous and famous as my role models; those three would be it. They had more than their fair share of hardships, of expectations that were impossible and of fights that they knew could not be one in a day, a week, a month or even a year or ten years... even in their lifetime. But they still persevered and they made themselves into good people because of their morals and their strong beliefs.
I don't believe I will reach the place my role models have in the history of the world but; you know, if I even make a small change and difference in someone's life for the better? That's good enough for me.
My other role models? The ones who aren't famous but whom I believe should be?
They know, or should know, who they are. If they don't? Well, they should realize it and hopefully do so soon.
We're all in this world together and if we don't take care of each other, the world will become a place where no one is able to smile and we'll lose the ability to use and have what makes being human so worth all the mistakes and terrible deeds our ancestors and even ourselves have done.
Human beings have one of the strongest attractions to the emotions of love and friendship; we need to use that more and we'd probably see just how far in the world that would take all of us and how much things would change for the better/
Oops, that brain dump was a bit more than I'd planned on it being. Um, if you read through it, kudos? >>; Didn't really mean for it to be that long.
Anyways, I'm going to sleep, hopefully Yue won't be a pissy uke again and shut off on me like he has the past three nights. -.-
The scent of the rain is still heavy in the air, I'm not hungry, I've got water right here to drink and for some reason, my mind is still contemplative while my body is stating the need to rest for a little while is an interesting feeling. More so since my body is completely relaxed and I'm not cold anymore. I wonder if it's something about the oncoming of fall and the rains that I think will show up (then again, Denver =/= Portland) during said season that brings out peoples' contemplative sides.
In some ways, I feel really... detached, almost confused yet intrigued because I have no immediate understanding of why humans do the things they do and why i walk alongside them and do the very same things day after day as they do; kind of like I'm not really one of them, just someone who's parading around as human. Though, I know that just probably set some warning bells off and have you all going, "...the fuck you say?" or "off the anime for a while" but, hey. It's how I feel at this time of the morning and such. Part of me really wants to go outside and watch the sunrise before going to sleep.
In other ways, I find myself thinking too much. That's a bad habit of mine because it generally doesn't lead to anything good and can bring on an anxiety attack that'll have me sweating bullets and my heart racing. The future is a very unstable and uncertain thing as far as I'm concerned; it's like walking a tightrope that builds itself inch by inch in front of you with every step you take and vanishes into the mists behind you. I worry; I've told "my boys" and several other people online and off of it that it's just what I do; I worry. It isn't always about them, (though I do have a habit of looking in every direction every so often a few times a day and before bed and taking a moment to send a small prayer and wish of good health, safety and happiness to go to them) and it isn't always about things that make a lot of sense for the most part. Silly little things like wondering about the weather or if that particular cloud in the distance is going to bring a thunderstorm, how global warming is doing and how the population of the endangered animals is fairing.
Of course I have my own worries, my boys have gone through a lot in this past year or so, and I'm really proud of how far along and how much progress and growing up they've all done. There are times I feel as if I'm kind of standing there and watching them move forward when I'm somehow frozen in place but, then again, I remind myself that they probably feel that way too sometimes and turn my focus somewhere else. It's a bit odd to think about really; how many relationships and bonds I've made in the nearly three years I've been on Divergence and just how many of those I realize have such a powerful effect and influence over the person I am today and will become in the future. I probably piss them off from time to time, especially when I'm not forthcoming with my own worries and problems when I've told them to come to me with theirs and ask that they let me help them but, that's just the kind of person I am I guess; I'm the one in the background who kind of keeps an open mind and open heart out for those who need someone to listen, to give advice or to just be there for them.
In some ways, I feel a little like a human embodiment of Yuuko's shop; only those who have actual need or some kind of requirement of me are actually able to "see" me. Kind of strange, ne?
I don't have all the wisdom in the world and despite the fact that my card in the tarot deck is usually the High Priestess (look up the definition and meaning behind the card; very interesting); I am just a 19 year old human female who has not the slightest clue on what she wants to do with her life, works as a car hop at Sonic's, likes to write and has the support of a family who never gave up on her and that of the friends that could never, ever be replaced and never will me. Every time I look back at my accomplishments, I realize something I don't think a lot of other people really do take the time to think about.
Every accomplishment I've made, I have someone or several someones who have been there to help me achieve it; it isn't just "my" victory and accomplishment alone. Everything I've succeeded in doing is also someone else's victory as well.
In April, it'll be 11 years since puberty and all the psychological issues and the real struggle to survive came; the physical aspect of it still lingers right now in my fight to grow my hair out and keep myself from pulling it. 11 years is a little too longer for my stubborn and headstrong self to be okay with having Trichotillomania and I made it my biggest goal this year to go home for Christmas and surprise my family with 4 months of growth and progress. Because with as fast as my hair grows when I'm able to leave it alone (I'm about a week and a half past the one month mark right now and it's about half to 3/4 to maybe one inch in length); four months should make it anywhere from just below my ears to maybe the back of my neck. I don't really like to talk about how much of a struggle it is because, as the excuses tend to go, I don't feel like it's something I'm really able to talk about and have people understand just how big of a deal and struggle it is for me day to day to fight this. It's a bit selfish of me and definitely hypocritical when I'm so bull-headed and demanding of people to tell me their issues even if they think it's stupid or unimportant but, you know, you really aren't able to help how you feel in the end.
On some days, it feels like I'm the oldest and the biggest "adult" in the house; the most mature and the one who's the most stable in everything but financially (no mom or anyone else; this doesn't mean go "OMG; NEED TO HELP!"; I'm not beat down yet and I have my work) while on others I suddenly feel like I'm about as lost and chaotic as the middle east is right now. (Bad reference? *wince*) I do tend to project my mood without thinking or realizing it, kind of stupid but, when you're subconsciously projecting, you don't tend to realize it.
By April 18th, 2008 I want to have defeated Trichotillomania completely and I want to visit my grandfather's gravesite and tell him that I'm okay now; that I've won my biggest and hardest battle; and that he doesn't need to worry about me anymore if he still does. I also will apologize for not being able to remember our times together, what he looked like and what he sounded like but will also tell him that, even if I don't remember, the stories of how happy I was as a child going out on those fun times are more than enough for me.
Some day; I want to be able to look my biological father in the eye and tell him that, while he hasn't apologized or made any effort to really get to know his oldest daughter; that I forgive him and that I hope his life is a happy one from there on out. I know that right now, I'm not a big enough, or mature enough of a person (or you know, we can put it religiously and say that I'm not a pure enough of a soul) to be able to let that particular chapter in my life end and be over with. But one day in that unstable future ahead of me; I know that I will eventually be able to let that pain and let that anger go completely.
The lump in my throat and the tears I know are trying to fall and am fighting against tells me that this is something that, while it's not easy for me to just prattle on like this, it's something that I needed to do pretty badly. Fergie, despite how much of a poor influence I believe she is for girls everywhere and my dislike for most of her songs is approaching semi-ridiculous, really hit it home for me with a few lines from her song "Big Girls Don't Cry".
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal; myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you
Like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
The chorus of that song, every time I hear it, just stirs something inside that I don't know if I can explain at the moment. The third an fourth lines are very personal to me; mostly because I know I'm going through so much at once and that everyday seems to bring some startling new surprise and revelation about myself. But also because it is personal and it is mostly between myself now and the I that I'm supposed to become. The seventh line is very hard hitting; I have so much that I could and sometimes do let burden me that I won't let myself move on; but this song just reminds me every time I catch myself in those thoughts, that I have to straighten myself up and I have to get a move on with my life because when you get right down to it; there is no other way and there is no turning back. The eighth and ninth lines are probably obvious but; before you all tell me that "big girls can and do too cry!"? Take a minute to really think about how those two lines fit in with the rest of the song. To me? It says that big girls don't cry over what is done, over with and will not be able to be changed; they move on with their lives.
I have a lot of straightening out to do and definitely a lot of growing up to do but, you know, I will make it eventually and I will become that I that I'm supposed to become in the future. It will take a while, of this I'm certain, because good human beings weren't born good; we're all born neutral and it's up to the series of factors of how we grow up, how we make our choices and how we were instructed and impressed upon that results in us growing up into the people we were meant to be and will become.
Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, the Dali Lama....
If there were three people who I had to chose who were infamous and famous as my role models; those three would be it. They had more than their fair share of hardships, of expectations that were impossible and of fights that they knew could not be one in a day, a week, a month or even a year or ten years... even in their lifetime. But they still persevered and they made themselves into good people because of their morals and their strong beliefs.
I don't believe I will reach the place my role models have in the history of the world but; you know, if I even make a small change and difference in someone's life for the better? That's good enough for me.
My other role models? The ones who aren't famous but whom I believe should be?
They know, or should know, who they are. If they don't? Well, they should realize it and hopefully do so soon.
We're all in this world together and if we don't take care of each other, the world will become a place where no one is able to smile and we'll lose the ability to use and have what makes being human so worth all the mistakes and terrible deeds our ancestors and even ourselves have done.
Human beings have one of the strongest attractions to the emotions of love and friendship; we need to use that more and we'd probably see just how far in the world that would take all of us and how much things would change for the better/
Oops, that brain dump was a bit more than I'd planned on it being. Um, if you read through it, kudos? >>; Didn't really mean for it to be that long.
Anyways, I'm going to sleep, hopefully Yue won't be a pissy uke again and shut off on me like he has the past three nights. -.-