a love letter, best left undedicated
a love letter, best left undedicated
3,080w; pg-13 (jb/jr)
but that doesn't matter.
a/n: ok, now i have no excuses, i'm just late. for kirakirashahida - i loved your prompt too much and ended up struggling with it more than i thought i would slkgskjfd please don't hate me even though this is not very good ;; also inspired by this image. ilu ♥♥♥
June 12, 2011
I think I was in love with Im Jaebum.
December 15, 2015
Jaebum first sees him in the crowd. He's home from school for winter break, and his mother sent him to the mall to buy holiday gifts for their neighbors on the grounds that we might not have lights hanging outside the house, but we compete with them in heart. This happened every year and it never made sense to Jaebum, the same way it never occurred to him that he'd see Jinyoung through a sea of unfamiliar faces.
He's on the phone, scarf wrapped snug around his neck, a deep brownish-red, kind of like the color of bricks. Jaebum wonders if he should say hi or something, anything, but he's walking toward Jinyoung before he can really make up his mind.
"I'm telling you, they're sold out - " and then Jaebum taps him on the shoulder.
Jinyoung turns around to face him. His eyes widen in surprise and Jaebum feels time stop right there and then, the crowd bustling around them fading out into silence, fading out so that it's just Jaebum and Jinyoung, standing in a vacuum of space, watching one another.
He doesn't smile. Jaebum doesn't really expect him to. His mouth feels dry. A tiny voice is coming from Jinyoung's phone, and it seems to snap him back to reality.
"Let me call you back."
But that doesn't matter.
They weren't twelve anymore. Jinyoung was taller and surer of himself, and his breath smelled slightly of coffee when he leaned in and repeated let's go sit down somewhere after Jaebum didn't hear him the first time. Twelve year old Jinyoung wore t-shirts with his favorite action characters printed on them over and over because he loved them so much until there were holes in the armpits from too much washing and drying - he'd try to foul Jaebum as much as possible during P.E basketball and laugh so hard that he'd cry at Jaebum's "rebellious act of the week." Twelve year old Jinyoung was someone Jaebum knew and grew up knowing.
He didn't, on the other hand, quite know the twenty-one year old Jinyoung sitting across from him at the food court, fingers tapping a rhythm on the table between them. Did he still like fruit snacks like eight year old Jinyoung did? And did he still read novels in between studies like sixteen year old Jinyoung? Even when they'd started growing apart during high school, Jinyoung's mother insisted that he help Jaebum with his studies on Saturday afternoons, and he would, sitting across from him kind of like they were sitting now, silent unless Jaebum asked a question. Then he'd explain, solving the problem step by step or just referring Jaebum to the page in the textbook with an example, depending on his mood. After a while, and always before Jaebum, Jinyoung would close his textbook, homework caught in between the pages, and grab the novel he was reading from his backpack.
"Which one's your favorite?" Jaebum had asked once, too jittery to focus on algebra, and somewhat apologetic for how little they talked to each other anymore. They used to play basketball and volleyball together after school in junior high, catch bugs together in elementary school and secretly keep them in their houses. Pretty cruel, when Jaebum thought about it now, but they hadn't known better. In high school, they'd just started hanging around different people whose social circles never interlapped, and their friendship went from knowing each other's parents about as well as they knew their own to friendly small talk whenever they bumped into each other before disintegrating to only smiling and saying hi in the hallways. Then, nothing at all. Just these quiet Saturday afternoons with their textbooks open on Jinyoung's dining room table, solving equations.
Jinyoung barely glanced up in response. Jaebum had wondered if Jinyoung was ignoring him - was he annoying because he couldn't understand the regular level problem set? - and the idea was starting to piss him off because it wasn't like being book smart made you superior or anything when Jinyoung lowered his book and closed it, his finger holding his place.
"It's hard to say," he'd said, considering. "All books kind of feel different."
Jaebum raised his eyebrows at that. "Oh yeah?" It didn't make sense to him - how could you feel a book? But it was also Jinyoung that didn't make sense to him anymore, and it was the first time Jaebum had actually realized how much his childhood friend had changed during the time they stopped talking to each other. He pointed to the book Jinyoung was holding his place in. "What about that one?"
His eyes softened. "This one's," Jinyoung started, stopped to think. It looked like he had a lot to say, but then he glanced squarely at Jaebum, as if considering who he was replying to, and clipped his answer short. "Interesting."
Interesting, was exactly the word in Jaebum's head when he saw Jinyoung leaning against the wall at one of the last parties of senior year, a beer in his hand. It wasn't like straight A, honors students didn't party, because Jaebum knew quite a few who did, but not Jinyoung, Jinyoung who started reading his books when the sun cut rectangles of light across their textbooks through the blinds in Jinyoung's house and didn't stop until the sun had already set and his mother walked past them to prepare dinner, nagging turn on a light, Park Jinyoung, reading in the dark will only make your eyesight worse.
"What are you doing here?" he'd asked, leaning against the wall next to him. Jinyoung turned to look at him warily, taking another sip of his beer, before looking away, like he didn't give a shit about Jaebum.
"What?" Jinyoung replied, sounding a mixture of offended and slightly drunk. "Don't think I'm the partying type?"
Jaebum frowned at that. "I'm not judging you," he insisted, doing his best not to roll his eyes because his mother and Jinyoung's mother were always saying don't you dare give me an attitude, young man. Funny how things like that stuck with him. He kept watching Jinyoung, whose eyes were dark and unreadable in the dim lighting. "I'm just surprised, that's all."
Jinyoung laughed at that, and Jaebum wasn't sure if he was bitter or actually amused. "That's rich, coming from you," he said, spiteful, and it made Jaebum flinch.
He heard his heart pounding in his skull. "What the fuck do you mean by that?" Jaebum retaliated, moving so Jinyoung was forced to look him in the eye.
He didn't back down from the challenge. "Don't pretend like you give a shit about me, Jaebum," Jinyoung snapped back. "You don't need to pretend like we're friendly or anything, because we're not fucking friends anymore, okay?"
Jinyoung had started raising his voice, and some of the girls sitting in the living room area had turned their heads toward their direction. Fuck this shit. Jaebum slammed his hand on the wall behind Jinyoung, by Jinyoung's shoulder and spat back, "I don't, you fucker! I just asked you a fucking question! Why do you have to be such a dick?"
Silence. He'd watched as the corners of Jinyoung's mouth melted down for a moment before his whole face hardened. Then, he smiled at Jaebum, like Jaebum had told him something he'd wanted to hear, and let out a humorless laugh.
"Good to know," were the last words Jaebum heard from Jinyoung until graduation. He'd taken two steps then before throwing the beer can as hard as he could on the ground, kicking it, then walking away, down the dark street. Jaebum had stared at that can for a long time, the beer sloshing out into Hyejeong's mother's rose garden, like Jinyoung hadn't even drank most of it.
Jaebum didn't go to Jinyoung's house anymore after that. But by then, there were almost going to graduate, and getting an A in math didn't really matter anymore.
"We made it," someone behind him had said after they'd thrown their caps and received their diplomas, everyone rushing to find their parents. When Jaebum turned around, he saw that it was Jinyoung, stole and honors-student tassel pinned to his robe, while Jaebum's kept flapping in the wind. The pink of dusk made his dark eyes shine - or maybe Jinyoung had teared up during the ceremony, he'd always been the one to cry twenty minutes into a Disney movie, anyway - and it made Jaebum remember all that they'd been through during the past eighteen years. A sudden sadness struck him as he thought about it.
"Yeah," Jaebum smiled back, and he wondered if this was Jinyoung apologizing for the scathing things he'd said at the party. "We did." And then both their families had found them standing there, smiling at each other, and insisted that they take a huge group photo, as well as photos with just Jaebum and Jinyoung, arms around each other's shoulders, smiling stiffly at the lens.
That had been the last time Jaebum saw Jinyoung until today, right now. He cracks his knuckles under the table, nervous habit since seventh grade, and Jinyoung pretends not to notice.
"So - "
"How - "
They both start at the same time. Jinyoung smiles and it reaches his eyes, the crow's feet showing at the corners, and Jaebum laughs a little, awkwardly. "You first," he submits and Jinyoung looks impressed.
"Seems like you've gotten more patient," he comments and Jaebum feels his ears heat up. That was back in elementary school, he wants to defend himself with, but Jinyoung keeps going. "I mean, how have you been though?"
It's an easy enough question to answer. "Pretty good," Jaebum says. "School's killing me, though."
Jinyoung rolls his eyes, and Jaebum remembers what their mothers used to say about it. "Same. I barely survived finals week this semester," he sympathizes.
"Yeah," Jaebum agrees, nodding. "I felt like I was staring at my laptop screen the whole time so I could finish my final project. Thought I was gonna go blind," he chuckles. Jinyoung hums in reply, a neutral smile on his face, and Jaebum realizes Jinyoung might not even know what Jaebum's major is. "I'm a - "
"Film major," Jinyoung finishes for him. "I know."
Jaebum's flattered that Jinyoung remembers. Maybe his mother mentions it a lot. He furrows his eyebrows when he realizes he doesn't know what Jinyoung's majoring in. "And you are - "
Jinyoung doesn't look offended at all. "Literature," he offers, and Jaebum nods.
It makes sense. "You always did like reading books," he says.
Jinyoung laughs at that. "And you always did like watching the movies instead," he retorts. Jaebum just shakes his head with a smile.
"You can't blame me!" Jaebum insists, defending a lost cause. "I have more of an art brain."
"And that's why you used to draw on all your white briefs with Sharpies," Jinyoung fights back, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Jaebum scowls in disbelief - he can't believe Jinyoung would bring that up.
"That was when I was seven, okay," he grumbles in defeat, but there's a grin on his face.
Jinyoung's smile reaches his eyes again for a moment before fading back to neutrality. "Sure, sure," he concedes. A silence lulls between them after that.
Jaebum clears his throat. "So, uh, I didn't expect to see you here," he starts. Jinyoung waits for him to continue. "I mean, I'd heard that your family moved, so..."
"Yeah," Jinyoung affirms, now folding his hands loosely on the table. The Parks used to live two blocks away from Jaebum's house. A couple years ago, he'd been out jogging in the neighborhood and been confused seeing a young couple playing with their child in Jinyoung's front yard. When he'd gotten home, his mother told him that they'd moved while Jaebum was still in school. "But we're still in this city. Our new house is on the hill."
"Oh," Jaebum echoes. "That's nice, I guess."
Jinyoung shrugs. "It's okay. It just sucked having to come back and unpack all my things." His eyes light up as he remembers something. "You know, I actually found the jar we caught Jiminy Cricket in."
"Really?" Jaebum laughs. Jiminy Cricket had been a running joke between them all throughout middle school for some dumb reason, because they'd tried to catch this cricket in the evening when they were in first grade and due to the combination of the darkness and the way the cricket kept running away, it took them two hours to catch it. They got scolded by their parents, who were about to call the police when they'd finally walked in the house, and were grounded for the rest of the month because of it.
"I didn't even know I still had it," Jinyoung says. "I was wondering why it wasn't thrown out during the move, either, you know? It's just this jar."
Jaebum nods absentmindedly. The pizza place in front of them keeps announcing numbers of the pizzas that are ready. "Yeah."
Their conversations simmers down again. Jinyoung's back to tapping his fingers against the table. Jaebum wonders if he's actually playing a song. 122, some brightly-clad worker from the pizza place calls. 122, 123, 125...
"So how's Hyejeong?"
When Jaebum looks back up, Jinyoung smile looks a little more forced than it was before. Not as neutral. He swallows, suddenly nervous, though he doesn't know why.
"I wouldn't really know," Jaebum manages to say. "We broke up a couple years ago."
Jinyoung's expression darkens. A family eyes them as they pass by with their trays of food, bitter that the two of them were taking up a table for four. "I'm sorry," he says, softly. "I mean, I thought...you guys just seemed like that couple that would stay together through college."
That surprises Jaebum. He'd never thought of him and Hyejeong as particularly long-lasting, but when he really thinks about it, they had been together for three years until the break up. And even then, it was a pretty calm understanding that they'd both wanted different things out of life - Jaebum and his film-making, and Hyejeong and her epidemiology - and that there simply wasn't that spark between them anymore, the one that made Jaebum crazy about her back when they'd been high-schoolers, more hormonal and less sure of themselves. "Oh," he says, dumbly. "It wasn't too bad a break up, though."
Jinyoung nods in understanding. "Are you - " He pauses, inhaling sharply. Jaebum just watches him, waiting for him to go on. "Dating right now, then?"
The food court seems to go silent. Blinks. When Jaebum blinks again, Jinyoung looks fuzzy and out of focus, like a figure on the horizon. Squints and then everything returns to normal, and Jinyoung is still sitting across from him, finger that was tapping against the table still now. Kind of a weird question to ask, Jaebum thinks, but maybe it really wasn't, maybe it was just him.
"No," he finally answers. "And you?"
Jinyoung's face looks stiff and his eyes look dark, dark like they were at that one party all those years ago, challenging and hurt and feral, like he wanted to - but at the same time didn't want to - hurt Jaebum. That kind of look, that kind of vulnerability, and there's too many missed birthdays and years they haven't talked to each other between them now for Jaebum to know exactly what the distant look in Jinyoung's eyes actually means, if he wants to know at all.
He chuckles, but he doesn't sound amused. "Just me and my books," Jinyoung says, looking at Jaebum, but not looking at Jaebum all the same.
"I see," Jaebum tries, trying to reconnect with Jinyoung, who still seems distracted by something. You're too late, some part of Jaebum tells him, and he remembers the way they used to laugh at each other, Jinyoung's eyes crinkling and Jaebum's stomach hurting, and suddenly he feels very small, small like he was when he was six years old, playing with Jinyoung for the first time, but not quite as happy.
Jinyoung's hands disappear from the table, retracted back into himself. "Well, I've kept you long enough," he smiles. It's like he's looking through Jaebum now, looking for some other point to focus on. "I should probably head home, too."
He's slipping through Jaebum's grasp now, blindly holding onto the nostalgia of a friendship that didn't sour away or end in a fight but drifted away from them instead, and no matter how many times over the years Jaebum's tried to keep something of it alive, it - it occurs to him now - just didn't exist anymore.
Jinyoung stands up, the chair scraping behind him, and he smiles down at Jaebum. "It was nice catching up with you, Jaebum," he tells him. When Jaebum meets his eyes, he sees that they're shining like they did during graduation, but this time, it's due to the bright overhead lights in the food court.
Maybe it was the sunset that created the same kind of illusion back then, too. Maybe it was just Jaebum, glad that they ended high school on a good, but distant, note, and maybe it was also just him, hanging onto someone he knew had always been there in his life before he knew they wouldn't really be, not like they used to be.
"Yeah," he says, trying to remember to breathe as the thoughts all flood over him. He's still sitting at the table. "It was."
Jinyoung smiles another tight-lipped, neutral smile with those distracted eyes of his before he turns to leave. "See you around, Jaebum."
Twelve year old Jinyoung would've waved before he disappeared from sight. Twelve year old Jinyoung wouldn't leave Jaebum behind in the first place, and when finally forced to go home by his mother, would sneak one last glance over his shoulder at Jaebum, his usual Jinyoung smile on his face.
Twenty-one year old Jinyoung doesn't do any of that.
Twenty-one year old Jinyoung walks away, and doesn't look back.
December 15, 2015
I think I'm still in love with Im Jaebum.
(typing...backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace)
And that doesn't matter, either.
3,080w; pg-13 (jb/jr)
but that doesn't matter.
a/n: ok, now i have no excuses, i'm just late. for kirakirashahida - i loved your prompt too much and ended up struggling with it more than i thought i would slkgskjfd please don't hate me even though this is not very good ;; also inspired by this image. ilu ♥♥♥
June 12, 2011
I think I was in love with Im Jaebum.
December 15, 2015
Jaebum first sees him in the crowd. He's home from school for winter break, and his mother sent him to the mall to buy holiday gifts for their neighbors on the grounds that we might not have lights hanging outside the house, but we compete with them in heart. This happened every year and it never made sense to Jaebum, the same way it never occurred to him that he'd see Jinyoung through a sea of unfamiliar faces.
He's on the phone, scarf wrapped snug around his neck, a deep brownish-red, kind of like the color of bricks. Jaebum wonders if he should say hi or something, anything, but he's walking toward Jinyoung before he can really make up his mind.
"I'm telling you, they're sold out - " and then Jaebum taps him on the shoulder.
Jinyoung turns around to face him. His eyes widen in surprise and Jaebum feels time stop right there and then, the crowd bustling around them fading out into silence, fading out so that it's just Jaebum and Jinyoung, standing in a vacuum of space, watching one another.
He doesn't smile. Jaebum doesn't really expect him to. His mouth feels dry. A tiny voice is coming from Jinyoung's phone, and it seems to snap him back to reality.
"Let me call you back."
But that doesn't matter.
They weren't twelve anymore. Jinyoung was taller and surer of himself, and his breath smelled slightly of coffee when he leaned in and repeated let's go sit down somewhere after Jaebum didn't hear him the first time. Twelve year old Jinyoung wore t-shirts with his favorite action characters printed on them over and over because he loved them so much until there were holes in the armpits from too much washing and drying - he'd try to foul Jaebum as much as possible during P.E basketball and laugh so hard that he'd cry at Jaebum's "rebellious act of the week." Twelve year old Jinyoung was someone Jaebum knew and grew up knowing.
He didn't, on the other hand, quite know the twenty-one year old Jinyoung sitting across from him at the food court, fingers tapping a rhythm on the table between them. Did he still like fruit snacks like eight year old Jinyoung did? And did he still read novels in between studies like sixteen year old Jinyoung? Even when they'd started growing apart during high school, Jinyoung's mother insisted that he help Jaebum with his studies on Saturday afternoons, and he would, sitting across from him kind of like they were sitting now, silent unless Jaebum asked a question. Then he'd explain, solving the problem step by step or just referring Jaebum to the page in the textbook with an example, depending on his mood. After a while, and always before Jaebum, Jinyoung would close his textbook, homework caught in between the pages, and grab the novel he was reading from his backpack.
"Which one's your favorite?" Jaebum had asked once, too jittery to focus on algebra, and somewhat apologetic for how little they talked to each other anymore. They used to play basketball and volleyball together after school in junior high, catch bugs together in elementary school and secretly keep them in their houses. Pretty cruel, when Jaebum thought about it now, but they hadn't known better. In high school, they'd just started hanging around different people whose social circles never interlapped, and their friendship went from knowing each other's parents about as well as they knew their own to friendly small talk whenever they bumped into each other before disintegrating to only smiling and saying hi in the hallways. Then, nothing at all. Just these quiet Saturday afternoons with their textbooks open on Jinyoung's dining room table, solving equations.
Jinyoung barely glanced up in response. Jaebum had wondered if Jinyoung was ignoring him - was he annoying because he couldn't understand the regular level problem set? - and the idea was starting to piss him off because it wasn't like being book smart made you superior or anything when Jinyoung lowered his book and closed it, his finger holding his place.
"It's hard to say," he'd said, considering. "All books kind of feel different."
Jaebum raised his eyebrows at that. "Oh yeah?" It didn't make sense to him - how could you feel a book? But it was also Jinyoung that didn't make sense to him anymore, and it was the first time Jaebum had actually realized how much his childhood friend had changed during the time they stopped talking to each other. He pointed to the book Jinyoung was holding his place in. "What about that one?"
His eyes softened. "This one's," Jinyoung started, stopped to think. It looked like he had a lot to say, but then he glanced squarely at Jaebum, as if considering who he was replying to, and clipped his answer short. "Interesting."
Interesting, was exactly the word in Jaebum's head when he saw Jinyoung leaning against the wall at one of the last parties of senior year, a beer in his hand. It wasn't like straight A, honors students didn't party, because Jaebum knew quite a few who did, but not Jinyoung, Jinyoung who started reading his books when the sun cut rectangles of light across their textbooks through the blinds in Jinyoung's house and didn't stop until the sun had already set and his mother walked past them to prepare dinner, nagging turn on a light, Park Jinyoung, reading in the dark will only make your eyesight worse.
"What are you doing here?" he'd asked, leaning against the wall next to him. Jinyoung turned to look at him warily, taking another sip of his beer, before looking away, like he didn't give a shit about Jaebum.
"What?" Jinyoung replied, sounding a mixture of offended and slightly drunk. "Don't think I'm the partying type?"
Jaebum frowned at that. "I'm not judging you," he insisted, doing his best not to roll his eyes because his mother and Jinyoung's mother were always saying don't you dare give me an attitude, young man. Funny how things like that stuck with him. He kept watching Jinyoung, whose eyes were dark and unreadable in the dim lighting. "I'm just surprised, that's all."
Jinyoung laughed at that, and Jaebum wasn't sure if he was bitter or actually amused. "That's rich, coming from you," he said, spiteful, and it made Jaebum flinch.
He heard his heart pounding in his skull. "What the fuck do you mean by that?" Jaebum retaliated, moving so Jinyoung was forced to look him in the eye.
He didn't back down from the challenge. "Don't pretend like you give a shit about me, Jaebum," Jinyoung snapped back. "You don't need to pretend like we're friendly or anything, because we're not fucking friends anymore, okay?"
Jinyoung had started raising his voice, and some of the girls sitting in the living room area had turned their heads toward their direction. Fuck this shit. Jaebum slammed his hand on the wall behind Jinyoung, by Jinyoung's shoulder and spat back, "I don't, you fucker! I just asked you a fucking question! Why do you have to be such a dick?"
Silence. He'd watched as the corners of Jinyoung's mouth melted down for a moment before his whole face hardened. Then, he smiled at Jaebum, like Jaebum had told him something he'd wanted to hear, and let out a humorless laugh.
"Good to know," were the last words Jaebum heard from Jinyoung until graduation. He'd taken two steps then before throwing the beer can as hard as he could on the ground, kicking it, then walking away, down the dark street. Jaebum had stared at that can for a long time, the beer sloshing out into Hyejeong's mother's rose garden, like Jinyoung hadn't even drank most of it.
Jaebum didn't go to Jinyoung's house anymore after that. But by then, there were almost going to graduate, and getting an A in math didn't really matter anymore.
"We made it," someone behind him had said after they'd thrown their caps and received their diplomas, everyone rushing to find their parents. When Jaebum turned around, he saw that it was Jinyoung, stole and honors-student tassel pinned to his robe, while Jaebum's kept flapping in the wind. The pink of dusk made his dark eyes shine - or maybe Jinyoung had teared up during the ceremony, he'd always been the one to cry twenty minutes into a Disney movie, anyway - and it made Jaebum remember all that they'd been through during the past eighteen years. A sudden sadness struck him as he thought about it.
"Yeah," Jaebum smiled back, and he wondered if this was Jinyoung apologizing for the scathing things he'd said at the party. "We did." And then both their families had found them standing there, smiling at each other, and insisted that they take a huge group photo, as well as photos with just Jaebum and Jinyoung, arms around each other's shoulders, smiling stiffly at the lens.
That had been the last time Jaebum saw Jinyoung until today, right now. He cracks his knuckles under the table, nervous habit since seventh grade, and Jinyoung pretends not to notice.
"So - "
"How - "
They both start at the same time. Jinyoung smiles and it reaches his eyes, the crow's feet showing at the corners, and Jaebum laughs a little, awkwardly. "You first," he submits and Jinyoung looks impressed.
"Seems like you've gotten more patient," he comments and Jaebum feels his ears heat up. That was back in elementary school, he wants to defend himself with, but Jinyoung keeps going. "I mean, how have you been though?"
It's an easy enough question to answer. "Pretty good," Jaebum says. "School's killing me, though."
Jinyoung rolls his eyes, and Jaebum remembers what their mothers used to say about it. "Same. I barely survived finals week this semester," he sympathizes.
"Yeah," Jaebum agrees, nodding. "I felt like I was staring at my laptop screen the whole time so I could finish my final project. Thought I was gonna go blind," he chuckles. Jinyoung hums in reply, a neutral smile on his face, and Jaebum realizes Jinyoung might not even know what Jaebum's major is. "I'm a - "
"Film major," Jinyoung finishes for him. "I know."
Jaebum's flattered that Jinyoung remembers. Maybe his mother mentions it a lot. He furrows his eyebrows when he realizes he doesn't know what Jinyoung's majoring in. "And you are - "
Jinyoung doesn't look offended at all. "Literature," he offers, and Jaebum nods.
It makes sense. "You always did like reading books," he says.
Jinyoung laughs at that. "And you always did like watching the movies instead," he retorts. Jaebum just shakes his head with a smile.
"You can't blame me!" Jaebum insists, defending a lost cause. "I have more of an art brain."
"And that's why you used to draw on all your white briefs with Sharpies," Jinyoung fights back, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Jaebum scowls in disbelief - he can't believe Jinyoung would bring that up.
"That was when I was seven, okay," he grumbles in defeat, but there's a grin on his face.
Jinyoung's smile reaches his eyes again for a moment before fading back to neutrality. "Sure, sure," he concedes. A silence lulls between them after that.
Jaebum clears his throat. "So, uh, I didn't expect to see you here," he starts. Jinyoung waits for him to continue. "I mean, I'd heard that your family moved, so..."
"Yeah," Jinyoung affirms, now folding his hands loosely on the table. The Parks used to live two blocks away from Jaebum's house. A couple years ago, he'd been out jogging in the neighborhood and been confused seeing a young couple playing with their child in Jinyoung's front yard. When he'd gotten home, his mother told him that they'd moved while Jaebum was still in school. "But we're still in this city. Our new house is on the hill."
"Oh," Jaebum echoes. "That's nice, I guess."
Jinyoung shrugs. "It's okay. It just sucked having to come back and unpack all my things." His eyes light up as he remembers something. "You know, I actually found the jar we caught Jiminy Cricket in."
"Really?" Jaebum laughs. Jiminy Cricket had been a running joke between them all throughout middle school for some dumb reason, because they'd tried to catch this cricket in the evening when they were in first grade and due to the combination of the darkness and the way the cricket kept running away, it took them two hours to catch it. They got scolded by their parents, who were about to call the police when they'd finally walked in the house, and were grounded for the rest of the month because of it.
"I didn't even know I still had it," Jinyoung says. "I was wondering why it wasn't thrown out during the move, either, you know? It's just this jar."
Jaebum nods absentmindedly. The pizza place in front of them keeps announcing numbers of the pizzas that are ready. "Yeah."
Their conversations simmers down again. Jinyoung's back to tapping his fingers against the table. Jaebum wonders if he's actually playing a song. 122, some brightly-clad worker from the pizza place calls. 122, 123, 125...
"So how's Hyejeong?"
When Jaebum looks back up, Jinyoung smile looks a little more forced than it was before. Not as neutral. He swallows, suddenly nervous, though he doesn't know why.
"I wouldn't really know," Jaebum manages to say. "We broke up a couple years ago."
Jinyoung's expression darkens. A family eyes them as they pass by with their trays of food, bitter that the two of them were taking up a table for four. "I'm sorry," he says, softly. "I mean, I thought...you guys just seemed like that couple that would stay together through college."
That surprises Jaebum. He'd never thought of him and Hyejeong as particularly long-lasting, but when he really thinks about it, they had been together for three years until the break up. And even then, it was a pretty calm understanding that they'd both wanted different things out of life - Jaebum and his film-making, and Hyejeong and her epidemiology - and that there simply wasn't that spark between them anymore, the one that made Jaebum crazy about her back when they'd been high-schoolers, more hormonal and less sure of themselves. "Oh," he says, dumbly. "It wasn't too bad a break up, though."
Jinyoung nods in understanding. "Are you - " He pauses, inhaling sharply. Jaebum just watches him, waiting for him to go on. "Dating right now, then?"
The food court seems to go silent. Blinks. When Jaebum blinks again, Jinyoung looks fuzzy and out of focus, like a figure on the horizon. Squints and then everything returns to normal, and Jinyoung is still sitting across from him, finger that was tapping against the table still now. Kind of a weird question to ask, Jaebum thinks, but maybe it really wasn't, maybe it was just him.
"No," he finally answers. "And you?"
Jinyoung's face looks stiff and his eyes look dark, dark like they were at that one party all those years ago, challenging and hurt and feral, like he wanted to - but at the same time didn't want to - hurt Jaebum. That kind of look, that kind of vulnerability, and there's too many missed birthdays and years they haven't talked to each other between them now for Jaebum to know exactly what the distant look in Jinyoung's eyes actually means, if he wants to know at all.
He chuckles, but he doesn't sound amused. "Just me and my books," Jinyoung says, looking at Jaebum, but not looking at Jaebum all the same.
"I see," Jaebum tries, trying to reconnect with Jinyoung, who still seems distracted by something. You're too late, some part of Jaebum tells him, and he remembers the way they used to laugh at each other, Jinyoung's eyes crinkling and Jaebum's stomach hurting, and suddenly he feels very small, small like he was when he was six years old, playing with Jinyoung for the first time, but not quite as happy.
Jinyoung's hands disappear from the table, retracted back into himself. "Well, I've kept you long enough," he smiles. It's like he's looking through Jaebum now, looking for some other point to focus on. "I should probably head home, too."
He's slipping through Jaebum's grasp now, blindly holding onto the nostalgia of a friendship that didn't sour away or end in a fight but drifted away from them instead, and no matter how many times over the years Jaebum's tried to keep something of it alive, it - it occurs to him now - just didn't exist anymore.
Jinyoung stands up, the chair scraping behind him, and he smiles down at Jaebum. "It was nice catching up with you, Jaebum," he tells him. When Jaebum meets his eyes, he sees that they're shining like they did during graduation, but this time, it's due to the bright overhead lights in the food court.
Maybe it was the sunset that created the same kind of illusion back then, too. Maybe it was just Jaebum, glad that they ended high school on a good, but distant, note, and maybe it was also just him, hanging onto someone he knew had always been there in his life before he knew they wouldn't really be, not like they used to be.
"Yeah," he says, trying to remember to breathe as the thoughts all flood over him. He's still sitting at the table. "It was."
Jinyoung smiles another tight-lipped, neutral smile with those distracted eyes of his before he turns to leave. "See you around, Jaebum."
Twelve year old Jinyoung would've waved before he disappeared from sight. Twelve year old Jinyoung wouldn't leave Jaebum behind in the first place, and when finally forced to go home by his mother, would sneak one last glance over his shoulder at Jaebum, his usual Jinyoung smile on his face.
Twenty-one year old Jinyoung doesn't do any of that.
Twenty-one year old Jinyoung walks away, and doesn't look back.
December 15, 2015
I think I'm still in love with Im Jaebum.
(typing...backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace)
And that doesn't matter, either.