I Am Too Old For This Shit. . .
Not even sure why I am posting here, it's been so long since I've written anything, fiction/fanfic, personal stuff, anything. I lurk here every day, multiple times, read my Friends' posts, the SPN fanfiction and other select fanfic that my Friends so amazingly write, comment not nearly enough but silently cheer on/love/and feel blessed by the people here on LJ.
I miss writing. That's a given, and there are many reasons for it and I know I should be doing it.
But that's for a different post.
This post is about me. Not that I enjoy talking about any of this, but I need to be accountable. I need to follow through on something going on in my life and I need to put this resolution in print somewhere so I stick to it. I could keep it private, no one really needs to see it, no one is even really going to understand it, but maybe if I put it someplace public, I'll have a better chance of keeping to it than if I stick it on my hard drive and never open it again once I put it down.
Enough of the drama. Long story short:
I've fallen in love, been seeing someone intimately for almost a year. Started as co-workers, then friends, then lovers. For many reasons that don't need to be gotten into, we never "dated" though we did hang out. One reason I will mention is our age difference. Let's just say he is a lot younger than I am and leave it at that. Whatever, the sex was fun, we established boundaries and were very discreet, he was always completely honest with me about how he felt, how far we could take the relationship and I was under no illusions -- I understood that we could only take this so far, and I've been excellent at not pushing him or making him feel like this is any more than it really is.
Sounds like a perfectly adult relationship, when I put it like that.
And it has been. But I'm losing my shit over it because, while I know it can't be any more than what it is, I can't seem to get past yearning for it to be different. The whole head versus heart thing. So, I broke it off -- which wasn't that hard because while the physical stuff is awesome, the emotional stuff -- while as good as it can be in such a situation -- isn't awesome (no fault of his), and I am old enough in this life to realize that, for me, I need the emotional as much -- if not more -- than the physical. He's having a somewhat difficult time with the breaking off of the physical stuff (ha-ha, it was just that great) but he's been good about it because we both, above all else, don't want to lose the friendship we've established. And it was -- still is -- a great friendship, built on so many different things we've shared the past four years.
But I'm finding I can't seem to -- maintain the friendship and still work with him and know he'd still fuck me in a heartbeat if I gave him the green light and deal with my crazy emotional state over -- what? Not being to date him/marry him/spend my life with him? Waiting for the other shoe to drop when he finally does find that someone who can give him a marriage/children/family life? Yes, all of it, and while I want to remain friends with him -- let me reiterate, he hasn't done anything wrong, never pretended he felt any different than what he said -- I don't think I can. Not in the current state of affairs. Breaking off the physical stuff hasn't really helped, may have made it even worse because now I don't feel like I -- I don't know, I'm not even that special anymore to him? Gah, I know, this crazy shit is crazy and it's fucking with every part of my life right now, and not in a good way.
So, I said all that to get to my point:
I am interviewing for a new job on Friday (a week from today). It's the same job I do now, but in the city where I live. Same hours, same job. It's a job I've been contacted about twice before, but turned down twice before, mainly because the hours were a little difficult to deal with, and also because of Him, if I'm honest about it. I know they're going to offer it to me, and if they will give me the pay I am making now, I'm going to take it.
I have to.
I can't go on like this.
I don't necessarily want to leave my present position (even though it ain't the greatest and I have an hour of commute time every day and the stress is much higher in my current job than it would be in the new job), but I can't stay friends with Him and stay working with Him. He can do it but I can't. I know myself, and I know I'm going to end up hurting him if I stay, end up doing and saying regrettable things because he can't make it happen the way I want it to happen and I don't have the emotional fortitude to let things just be the way they are and move on.
So, no matter what, no matter how cold my feet get, no matter how hard and scary it will be for me to leave this job for something I don't necessarily know, no matter how much I will miss my awesome co-workers, no matter WHAT, I have to make sure -- if the money is there, and I'm pretty sure it will be -- I take this new job.
It will be better for him.
It will be better for me.
Life lesson learned: This is why you don't fall for/date people you work with.
I miss writing. That's a given, and there are many reasons for it and I know I should be doing it.
But that's for a different post.
This post is about me. Not that I enjoy talking about any of this, but I need to be accountable. I need to follow through on something going on in my life and I need to put this resolution in print somewhere so I stick to it. I could keep it private, no one really needs to see it, no one is even really going to understand it, but maybe if I put it someplace public, I'll have a better chance of keeping to it than if I stick it on my hard drive and never open it again once I put it down.
Enough of the drama. Long story short:
I've fallen in love, been seeing someone intimately for almost a year. Started as co-workers, then friends, then lovers. For many reasons that don't need to be gotten into, we never "dated" though we did hang out. One reason I will mention is our age difference. Let's just say he is a lot younger than I am and leave it at that. Whatever, the sex was fun, we established boundaries and were very discreet, he was always completely honest with me about how he felt, how far we could take the relationship and I was under no illusions -- I understood that we could only take this so far, and I've been excellent at not pushing him or making him feel like this is any more than it really is.
Sounds like a perfectly adult relationship, when I put it like that.
And it has been. But I'm losing my shit over it because, while I know it can't be any more than what it is, I can't seem to get past yearning for it to be different. The whole head versus heart thing. So, I broke it off -- which wasn't that hard because while the physical stuff is awesome, the emotional stuff -- while as good as it can be in such a situation -- isn't awesome (no fault of his), and I am old enough in this life to realize that, for me, I need the emotional as much -- if not more -- than the physical. He's having a somewhat difficult time with the breaking off of the physical stuff (ha-ha, it was just that great) but he's been good about it because we both, above all else, don't want to lose the friendship we've established. And it was -- still is -- a great friendship, built on so many different things we've shared the past four years.
But I'm finding I can't seem to -- maintain the friendship and still work with him and know he'd still fuck me in a heartbeat if I gave him the green light and deal with my crazy emotional state over -- what? Not being to date him/marry him/spend my life with him? Waiting for the other shoe to drop when he finally does find that someone who can give him a marriage/children/family life? Yes, all of it, and while I want to remain friends with him -- let me reiterate, he hasn't done anything wrong, never pretended he felt any different than what he said -- I don't think I can. Not in the current state of affairs. Breaking off the physical stuff hasn't really helped, may have made it even worse because now I don't feel like I -- I don't know, I'm not even that special anymore to him? Gah, I know, this crazy shit is crazy and it's fucking with every part of my life right now, and not in a good way.
So, I said all that to get to my point:
I am interviewing for a new job on Friday (a week from today). It's the same job I do now, but in the city where I live. Same hours, same job. It's a job I've been contacted about twice before, but turned down twice before, mainly because the hours were a little difficult to deal with, and also because of Him, if I'm honest about it. I know they're going to offer it to me, and if they will give me the pay I am making now, I'm going to take it.
I have to.
I can't go on like this.
I don't necessarily want to leave my present position (even though it ain't the greatest and I have an hour of commute time every day and the stress is much higher in my current job than it would be in the new job), but I can't stay friends with Him and stay working with Him. He can do it but I can't. I know myself, and I know I'm going to end up hurting him if I stay, end up doing and saying regrettable things because he can't make it happen the way I want it to happen and I don't have the emotional fortitude to let things just be the way they are and move on.
So, no matter what, no matter how cold my feet get, no matter how hard and scary it will be for me to leave this job for something I don't necessarily know, no matter how much I will miss my awesome co-workers, no matter WHAT, I have to make sure -- if the money is there, and I'm pretty sure it will be -- I take this new job.
It will be better for him.
It will be better for me.
Life lesson learned: This is why you don't fall for/date people you work with.